The day after Danny got back I called the counsellor to tell her,and ask if I could book my next appointment so that we could attend the counselling sessions together. But the Counsellor said that she couldn’t see us both together until she had seen Danny on his own first.
I couldn’t believe it! Why? What right did Danny have to anything? Surely this was about me, about what Danny had done to me, and how he could make it right. What a fucking cheek that he was being given any help when he deserved everything that he got!
But the counsellor was insistent so I reluctantly booked Danny in to see her the following week. Neither of us had returned work so I booked an afternoon session.
When Danny went to the session I was on tenterhooks all the time he was gone. What would he say to her about me? Would he slag me off and laugh about me as he had done in the past? Was he going to talk about ‘her’ and how much he still loved ‘her’? After all he wouldn’t say a word against ‘her’, despite the fact that ‘she’ had started to call his work trying to contact him.
When Danny got back I immediately asked him what they had talked about; Danny said that the Counsellor had told him that he was not allowed to tell me what had been discussed, or anything that he had said; that there were things that he didn’t want to tell me or felt uncomfortable telling me. What the Fuck! There I was, I had been lied to for months, I had been made a fool of, Danny had sided with someone else against me, he had talked about me and laughed at me with someone else, and here he was telling me that there were things that he still did not want to tell me. So what the fuck had he come back for? What was the point of it all if there were still going to be secrets between us, more lying, and more covering up? Why, if Danny wanted me back could he tell the counsellor and not tell me?
At that moment in time I realised that I needed to seriously consider my position and whether I really wanted to be there; I started to realise that what we had was gone and it wasn’t coming back. In fact I did not know if Danny was worth swallowing my pride for any more; I already felt as if I was choking!
It pissed me off that instead of being really honest Danny had gone to MY counsellor and talked about me behind my back again. I was starting to really dislike the man that had come back and questioned whether I was making a massive fucking mistake, and wasn’t it just going to be easier to walk away?
I think that Danny could see the thoughts going through my head and knew that I was on the verge of getting out of the hellhole he had dragged me into; so he said that one of the things that they discussed was that he did not want a joint bank account anymore; that he thought that I only wanted him for the money that he brought into the house. I was shocked, because I thought that we would just be what we were, and more and more it was becoming clear that we would never be that again, in fact, it made me question if we were ever what I thought we were in the first place.
What could I say? I had to agree; he had set up his own bank acccount by now and it was clear that he no longer wanted to share one with me. I was so hurt that he had thought that I only wanted him for the money that he was bringing into the house, when I had loved him so much; he seemed to forget all the times I had worked hard and done overtime; he seemed to forget that it was he that wanted me to work part-time. I wondered if he understood me at all.
The following week when we went to the counsellor together I felt alienated because Danny and the counsellor had a secret that I did not know about and that they did not want to share it with me; pretty much like the year that had passed really!! I didn’t feel that I could trust the counsellor because I felt as if she was on Danny’s side; I just started to cry.
The counsellor asked Danny to tell me what he had told her, the things he was frightened to say to me. I could not understand why Danny was frightened of me. Why he got to tell me about what was upsetting him, what about all the pain he had put me through? What about my pain?
So Danny proceeded to tell me how he thought that I was only with him for the money that he brought in every month: the money to pay the mortgage and pay for renovations, that I only wanted the house and not him. He brought up the fact that I only worked twenty hours a week and that I did not want to work more hours than that, and about how this had put so much pressure on him. He said that he felt that I did not listen when it came to the house.
I felt like ‘this Danny’ who had come back had never really liked me in the first place. He was saying all the things that had made him want to leave and I just felt ganged up on and alone. I remembered when Danny had told me that he had been falling out of love with me since the previous year; and now he was sitting here saying all these things. I didn’t understand because Danny was the one who had always told me that he wanted to take care of me; Danny was the one who had moaned if I worked extra hours at work, why had done all of that he if thought that I should have worked more hours, and brought more money into the house?
But it was when Danny told me that he felt guilt towards ‘her’ for leaving ‘her’, abandoning ‘her’ in the rented property; and that he was upset that he had let ‘her’ down, that my world started to reel. Danny had sat there and slagged me off, when he hadn’t given a fucking shit about me or Ethan and there he was telling me that he felt sorry for ‘her’!
Danny tried to explain that he felt as if, because of his actions, he had destroyed two people’s lives now and that it was all his fault. Finally there was something that was his fucking fault, I was surprised that he didn’t try and blame that on me as well! I was literally gob smacked!How could he have feelings for her equal to the ones that he supposedly had for me? How could he not see just what a manipulative cow ‘she’ had been? Checking his phone all the time, deleting texts I had sent, lying to Danny and telling him that I had told ‘her’ I had an affair just to turn him against me? But no! Danny was telling me all of the things that he did not like about me that had made him leave, but could not seeing anything wrong in ‘her’.
I had thought that when he came back Danny would just be so sorry, just want to make things up to me, as he always had done in the past; but it seemed as if this was not the case; that he thought that it had all been my fault!
By the time I left the counsellors office I was crying so much I could not drive, so we just sat in the car in a terrified silence, whilst I just sat and sobbed.
I felt at that moment that I couldn’t do it, I could not have him back! So I turned to Danny and told him I couldn’t do it, and gave him back my wedding and engagement rings. I meant it, I was worth more than that.
For the first time since Danny had come back he started to sob: big, heart wrenching, struggling for breath sobs. He was holding onto my rings so tightly they cut into his hand. As I sat and watched him I knew he was in pain, and yes, I felt glad that he was finally showing the pain that I had been feeling for the seven weeks passed. Cry me a fucking river!
But as I looked at him:a crying a wreck in front of me, I knew that I could not break up with him; although I still felt such anger, I still loved him and I knew I had to try, I knew that if we were going to survive it would be me that took us through.
I drove us up to the Downs where you could see the sea stretching out into infinity; it was quiet, and we just sat in the car in a stunned silence. There is something about looking out to sea: the infinity of sea and sky that enables you to understand that you are just a blot on this world, a tiny little pinprick, and all the things that you think are important don’t mean anything at all compared to that vast expanse in front of you
It made me realise that we should try and overcome our problems; because you only get one life and I had to give it my best shot, so that if I walked away in the future I would know that I did all that I could.
So I asked Danny to just talk to me, that I would listen and would not interupt. Danny asked me not to leave, to wear my rings, he just kept saying how sorry he was. I said how I felt as if I did not know him, that I did not know if I even liked him anymore. But I told him that for what we had in the past I knew that I had to try, and that was all I could do, try.
Over the coming months the ‘Down’s would become somewhere that would become a sanctuary for us both, together and separately. It helped to ground me when I looked out at that expanse of ocean and sky, it helped me to bring my thoughts under control.
The night we met with the counsellor Danny went to work for the first time in weeks, and the next day as he lay in bed my head went into overdrive: I had not realised at this time that it was a ‘demon’ in my head that was whispering to me and that this was just the start of a long, long conversation that would go on for years to come. It was telling me not to stay, telling me I was better than this, telling me I would be so happy if I just let Danny go.
I was in turmoil, going over and over what Danny had said, and felt that he clearly still had some feelings for ‘her’, and I was struggling. I have to admit that at that moment in time the main thing that kept me there was that I was not going to let ‘her’ win.
I called the counsellor to make another appointment to attend a session on my own, and she said that she was just about to call me. She explained that she felt that she needed to see me on my own because she did not think that the previous session had been good for me and that she had not fully understood what a strong personality I had!
So I went to see her that afternoon; I did not leave a note for Danny to tell him where I was. I hadn’t known where he was for three fucking weeks so now he could sweat for an afternooon. If he thought that I was always going to leave him before then that would be nothing to what he would feel now!
It was the start of the turmoil I would find myself in for nearly a year to come: where one minute I was so, so angry with him I would want to punch him the face, and the next I could be calm and rational; understanding that was the key that was going to keep us together. But I was insane so I would do things like let him think I had left him, leave him to worry and wonder where I was. It was revenge, pure and simple.
At the session with the counsellor she advised me to consider if staying with Danny was going to be the right decision for me, because she thought that I was going to move on without him. She explained that I clearly had such a strong personality that she was unsure if I would be able to stay. But this triggered something in me and I came away realising that pride was my deadly sin, and I was fucked if I was going to let it beat me!!
Why did you leave me all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused with some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it’s your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
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