Driving in the car was one of the hardest things for me; I remember dreading going to my car at night after work, because, as I had said to my sister, “The Demon is waiting for me every time.”
I Imagined it – sat in the passenger seat, a little green ugly bastard, who was ready to say hello, and then torment me all the way home.
It was when I was alone that The Demon was at it’s strongest; and the car was a little world where no-one else could intrude, so that was his main domain. The Demon would ask me questions, ‘Why are you having him back? Do you remember when he walked you back from their house and told you were being stupid? And you believed him, even though you knew! You were SO fucking stupid!’
He would remind me of all the times ‘ she’ and Rich had made a fool of me: of the times ‘she’ would measure me to show how much taller than me ‘she’ was – and then The Demon would remind me that I fucking let her! He would remind me of how many times ‘She’ and Rich would stand outside smoking and laughing together, and then he would tell me that they had been laughing about me. All the way home that Demon would run a film of what had happened through my head on a never ending loop.
As I pulled up outside my house it would tell me how people thought I was stupid for having Rich back, for believing him in the past, for feeling sad for him now; reminding me of how ‘she’ and Rich had treated me as if I was a fat silly bitch, and, again, how I had let them.
I often felt as if it was literally poking me in the head head and asking me if I was listening. It knew to tap into my deadly sin, pride, and I could often feel my blood literally start to boil and hear the beating of my heart because it was so loud and I was so, so angry.
By now I was buying CD’s like they were going out of fashion, and the songs I chose to play would all relate to what I was going through at that time; and although I would cry to so many it was my main way of stopping The Demon from getting into my head, it was by all accounts my saviour for a very long time.
There was, and still is, one particular song by the Sugar Babes – ‘Stronger’ – that I played all the time; in fact it is a song that will always mean something to me, no matter where I am in my life. It can still bring tears to my eyes because I will always be ‘the one who stands here longer than the rest.’
The song resonated with me because I knew one thing for certain, I was strong; and all of the other players in this comedy of errors had made one big mistake: They had underestimated me! That song was the angel in my head reminding me of what I had gained because of what had happened: I had lost myself along the way and now I had got myself back.
‘I’ll make it through the rainy days
I’ll be the one who stands here longer than the rest
When my landscape changes, rearranges
I’ll be stronger than I’ve ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything’s gonna be alright’
I also knew that although I was with Rich I was all alone, that was a fact! We had to build something new and what we had right now was simply based on what we used to have, and I knew that had to change because it was never going to be enough. I was alone until I could believe and trust Rich again, and I couldn’t do that until I was stronger.
I’m all alone and finally
I’m getting stronger
You’ll come to see
Just what I can be
I’m getting stronger
Of course I know, now, that what we were going to have was going to be new, but is was going to be based on what we had learnt from this life changing, mind blowing, excruciatingly heart breaking and painful experience. To do that, as I always say, Rich had to face his fears (that I might leave), he had to step up to the plate and be brave, be sorry, and show it.
I know that there’s gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that’s the way it’s gotta be
In an earlier journal entry I had written how Rich had sent me a text and called me his ‘beautiful wife’. This was important because he was so afraid to approach me in many ways, even to call me a nickname he had used before ‘The War’.
Rich had always called me his ‘Beautiful Wife’, in all the time we had been together, and he had me saved in his phone under ‘Beautiful Wifey.’ But when they had been together ‘She’ had found my details in his phone and insisted that he save ‘her’ under a special name in his phone book. When I found it, (it was Gorgeous Girlfriend) I went fucking ballistic. I told Rich that I just wanted him to save me as Moira in his phone and nothing else (he was still not allowed to call me Mois – See ‘Day Nine – I started to fall out of love with you’) So Rich having a name for me was also ruined!
For Rich to call me Beautiful Wife in a text was, in a small way, Rich facing one of his fears: He knew that I could have easily told him to fuck off! That it could trigger so much and that he could come home to me waiting for him with my bags packed. But to Rich I was his Beautiful Wife, and he wanted back some of what he had before, so he faced his fears and used the name he had been forbidden to use. Seems like a small thing but it was immense because I knew how brave he had been, and that he had listened; and I listened too.
I also know that ‘Mois’ who wrote this journal did not know any of what I know now, but she still hung on to hope. It is essential, if you don’t have hope then you have nothing and why are you there?
‘Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that’s been captured in a maze
I had my ups and down
Trials and tribulations
I overcome it day by day
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what I’m looking for’
This song always meant so much (still does) because over time I could see that I was a different and stronger person when I was not with Rich; I was ‘my own person’ which I would learn was fundamental to our survival because I could never feel vulnerable again. I still don’t!
I didn’t know what I had to do
I Just knew I was alone
People around me
But they didn’t care
So I searched into my soul
I’m not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
It’s now my style
I’ll get by
See I’m gonna do this for me
‘Stronger Performed by The Sugababes Written by Jony Rockstar, Marius de Vries and Felix Howard
Get a song….. Not an angry one, one that moves you forward and listen to it when your head is telling you stories.