Tuesday September 2007 – 7.20pm
I felt better after writing in my journal and I have had a good day at work – normal, which it is every day now.
I gave Sheri a lift home and as we chatted she went to say something but hesitated. I knew what she was going to say, because I had already thought it today: She does not know if Danny is the right person for me. If staying with him is the right thing to-do. I finished what she was saying for her: “When I could leave and be happy with someone else who I know I would meet.” I know what she is saying, pretty much what Mandy tries to say. I understand where they are coming from; it didn’t upset me.
But when I came home, I found myself having one of those chats that people have with themselves in the mirror; and for the first time in a long time I really cried. Because all of my life I have believed in that ‘love affair’, that ‘special love; and although I said earlier in this journal that I no-longer believed in it, that was a lie. It is what I want; I can’t settle for second best, because I will always wonder if I have done the right thing. I want that all time ‘love affair’ and I don’t know if Danny can give me that now. I was totally honest with myself in the mirror, that is what I want
That is why I keep calling Danny my friend; because we have to start with something new and build on that if he is to have any chance. I don’t want the ‘old’ Danny back.
The reasons for this and for going slowly are because when Danny tells me he loves me, has always loved me, it doesn’t mean as much anymore. Because I immediately think “Oh yeah, right! Why did you do what you did then?!”
Now my dilemma is that I know that Danny worships the ground I walk on, loves me so much, adores me; gives me all that I want. So how do I walk away from that? Break my own heart to do it; and search for it with someone else?But at the same time, how do I keep staying if it is forever going to be tarnished, which stops it fulfilling my heeds?
Now I know that only time will tell me the answers; and I also know that I have been wrong to get caught up in the emotion and tell Danny that there are no deadlines and that I am one hundred per cent happy. I need to start being honest with myself; all the time I think of what Danny has done and I am not happy.
I have to give Danny that chance, for the total love he has for me and because I still love him. But I also have to set a time limit – funny this was something my sister Louise said and agreed with me about a long time ago.
Realistically I have to go through every anniversary and milestone to know if the decision I make is the right one. So I will give it a year from today, September 11th 2008.
Reflections Here & Now
This second journal entry for the same day made me cry: Because I know just how much I was struggling, every minute of every hour of every day.
As I type this at my desk I have a mirror in front of me and I looked at myself today and cried because I do have that “love affair” with Danny.
I know that some people will not understand this; how I can say this when he broke my heart?But you see the person who broke my heart is not this Danny- he is not the Danny who left, not the Danny who broke my heart, not the Danny who was cruel to me; he is not that person; and I thank God I gave him that chance.
Even the Danny then, when I wrote this journal entry, was not the person who left; as I have said at the time that Danny ‘worships the ground I walk on, loves me so much, adores me ‘ and I could see that the man in front of me was not the man who left. I would urge you to consider this if you are struggling to stay, is the person in front of you trying, are they remorseful, are they showing you love? If the answer to all of those questions is yes then are they the same person (in spirit) as the one who broke your heart? Understanding this was crucial to our survival and to what got us here today.
I have not settled for second best, I have the best, it is real, it is flawed, it has cracks in it but it is strong. That is ‘real love.”
The definition of ‘Love Affair’ is either a romantic or sexual liaison between two people who are not married to each other (bit of irony there!) or an intense passion or enthusiasm for something. So if we go with the second definition it is clear that nothing intense can last, it must, by its definition burn itself out. Whereas when I look at something that is ‘real’ which is: ‘actually existing and not fiction’, then I would go with real every day.
I love that in this entry I realise that I have to try. That, although I thought I would always wonder if I could have met someone new, who had not “tarnished” what we had, I also knew that there stood a man who loved and adored me and that I could not, and should not just walk away from that.
Louise my sister pointed out to me at the time that I could meet someone new, but they may be someone who refused to change their underwear for a week, and insisted on wearing their socks when we had sex! More importantly who was to say they would love me as much as Danny did at that time (and even more so now)? Who was to say that they would not hurt me in the future just as Danny had done?
So I stayed, I extended my deadline from January to September. In my book I share the entry in my new journal that started to write a year later.
Now I can tell you that I never wonder if I could have met someone new who would have made me happier; I am happy with what I have, something real.