Sunday 7th October 2007
Hormones! I swore that this time I would not let them get the better of me; and I haven’t’ as much, but they have had a helping hand.
On Tuesday it came out that Rich did get a hard on with ‘her’. That he did stick his cock insider ‘her’ and then he lost his erection. So in my mind that is defined as full sex! Something that Rich swore he had not done. Something that I have based everything we have done (since the 9th of July when he told me he could not keep an erection) on. Another lie!! (You can read how I lied to myself here…Journal entry: The things I wanted to believe…)
I just read back over some of my journal; read how many times I believed Rich, how I know when he is lying to me; but I obviously don’t! As he lied to me quite often and I don’t see it.
So now I am back, right back as far as Rich and I am concerned. Me on my own because I am still much stronger as an individual! I wonder whether Rich can aver face the truth; can ever stop lying because he thinks that makes things easier. From Rich’s point of view I understand why the counsellor told him that I don’t need to know everything, because Rich had told her that he was so afraid of losing me, and was afraid that if I knew everything then he would lose me.
But from my point of view it was the worst piece of advice she could have given him! It makes me wonder what it is that he is hiding from me that would make me walk away – when everything that has happened so far hasn’t!
What is it that is going to come and bite me on the arse in the future, like Tuesday’s revelation did? I am so afraid of that, so afraid that I will work hard to build us up again, only to find that that it has all been based on a lie – again! Yes, my pride, my self-esteem come into it. But that is all part of the person that I am.
I know that we cannot have what we had before, and it obviously wasn’t as good as I thought it was, or I would not be where I am now, so I don’t want that.
But I do want to try; but to do that it must ALL be based on honesty and the truth. If Rich wants to keep me, as he says he does, then he must be honest. If one more lie comes up he will harden my heart more than he realises. Because of this these are the things that I imagine he is lying about:
- How many times they had sex. He has already lied about this and said the following:
- Ten times
- Five times (which he actually counted on his fingers one night!)
- Now a handful – he is not sure how many.
Why not he counted them on his fingers remember?!
- How many times he met her in Essex; really, how long the relationship had been going on for.
- Whether they had sex in our bed – Is that why Rich wants to get rid of the mattress?
- Whether he did ring and text her for the whole eight months, because Rich was adamant that they were not texting each other until the March before he left.
Basically what is it that I don’t need to know about?
I do want us to work, I think that for us to break up would be a waste and incredibly sad; a catastrophie for Rich.
But if Rich really loves me, as he says he does, he must be honest with me now. Let this new relationship be built on the truth; lying is no good, hiding things is no good. In Shakespeare’s words “The truth will out.”
The other thing is: when Rich does not comfort me when I am upset. I have written in this journal so many times how I need him to do that, and he doesn’t. I need to know that when it comes to the crunch Rich will not let me down again – and this is a good start.
I think that it would be best for Rich to read this entry and then my emotions not being visible should make it easier.
Billy’s leaving today (don’t know where he’s going).
Holds his head in disgrace (he can’t escape the truth).
He knows the price that he’s paid.
He admits that it’s too late to admit that he’s afraid.
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he’s always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Billy’s leaving today (don’t know where he’s going).
He’s got lines on his face (they tell the story of his pain).
He accepts it’s his fate.
He admits it took too long to admit that he was wrong……
Once he was a lover sleeping with another.
Now he’s just known as a cheat.
And he wish he’d had a mirror; looked a little clearer.
Seen into the eyes of the weak…..
James Blunt, Sacha Skarbek, Amanda Ghost
I have included this song between this entry and my reflection because I can clearly remember on this Sunday watching Strictly come dancing on the TV with Rich in the evening. James blunt was on the show singing this song and Rich had to stop eating his dinner because he had started to cry. I clearly remember him looking at me and saying: “This is my song isn’t it?”
Yes it was.
After reading this entry I had to give myself a couple of days to think about my reflection, because I thought that some people reading this would be thinking “Oh my God it is never going to get better, because she has gone back to square one!” Because it certainly looks that way .But whilst at that moment in time I had gone backwards I did not stay there for long.
For me the most important thing about this entry is that I hope it can help those of you reading this post, who are going through what we went through. People who may be finding themselves taking three steps forward only to find the next day that they have taken twenty steps back; I believe that this entry can help you to understand that this is what happens. It happens to everyone; and I can categorically say to you that you can get through it, don’t give up, you can get there in the end, things will get better, because I am, we are, living proof that it can if you allow it to.
People who have not been through this do not understand the immense pain of a broken heart, a broken life. They say things such as “You should be moving on by now.” Or “You need to start to get over it.” Get over what? Your life is no longer the life as you knew it, You are starting again, wherever you are in this sad soap opera, and not only are you are grieving for what you have lost; but you have to build something new, in whatever format – with them or without them. So what is there to get fucking over? What?
Don’t beat yourself up when you end up back at base camp, it is only a temporary visit and you will go back to where you were, you will have moved on, my mad journal shows you how I did.
The other important thing from this entry is for those who are trying to make it work; because you need to consider what you want your new relationship is going to be based on. Yes it does need to be based on the truth, and I used to say to Rich that if I ever found out that he had lied to me about how long it had been going on for; or how long they had been making a fool of me, then, irrespective of what we had or where we had got to in our relationship, irrespective of how good it may be, I would leave because it would all have been based on a bed of lies. I probably said this for about the first six years after we had got back together.
Now I know that I have to make my mind up about what I believe to have been the truth and go with that, because I will never know the truth; and it doesn’t matter what Rich says I will never fully believe him. If ‘she’ should come back out from under a stone to say that they had flown to the moon and back on a fucking unicorn I won’t know whether it is the truth or not!
If I hadn’t made up my mind to go with what I believe to be the truth (and trust me I went with the worst) then anyone could have raised their ugly heads in the future and tell me something that could rock my world, our world; because I had chosen to believe something and ironically even then I would not know if what they were telling me were the truth or not.
If we’re talking the truth I was angry with myself for believing what was obviously a heap of bullshit. Oh come on, they never had full sex? They rented a house together for fucks sake! But I had to come to the realisation over time; I could not do it at the beginning because I knew that I would leave and I did not want to leave, I loved him and I wanted to stay, so I lied to myself. Just like I lied to myself during the affair, because I was afraid.
As I got stronger and stronger I could then look after myself and be honest with myself; so I picked the worst scenario, faced my fears head on, because I knew if I chose an easier version of events then it was not a safe option, it was flawed and open to someone coming along and destroying it all over again. This entry was the start of that lesson, I had to let go of whatever little candyfloss story I had told myself. So I went with the cold hard crappy worst case scenario after this episode in us getting back together,and by doing that, I was able to get to where I am today.
Can you see where I am going with this? Our future could only be built on what we started to build after we got back together, and whatever happened in the past was irrelevant because anything we had was going to be hinged on our actions in this new relationship we were trying to forge. Yes I was distrustful of Rich for a long long time, not because I thought he would do it again (it nearly killed him I knew he wouldn’t) but because he had lied to me. So I always decided on my own ‘version of events’ and went with them for a long time to come. Even now if I think he is lying to me about anything I just come straight out and say it: “I think your lying!” Whether he likes it or not I say it because I am never lying to myself again. I know that some people read this blog and they are dealing with an immense pack of lies, but if it were me, and I can only speak for me, I would be honest with myself and tell them I thought they were lying when I thought they were. I wouldn’t ask them for the truth, because I wouldn’t believe them anyway, I would simply say “your lying.” and tell them I didn’t need to hear any more shit.
As time went on I learnt that it didn’t matter how much of ‘the past’ I wanted to know about it was not important for our future, what Rich was doing here and now was going to forge the way ahead, so perhaps that is why in the ‘here and now’ I am blunt and honest when I think Rich is lying, here and now.
I now know why the counsellor told Rich I did not need to know everything, because I didn’t. As the old proverb says “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”. But at that time my bruised ego did not agree with her. The counsellor was right: You don’t need to know everything, and if you think you do I would ask you what you are going to do with the information if you had it? And how do you know it is true?
If Rich (who was living in fear all the time) had told me the truth then I would not have stayed. I could not have handled it in the first few months, I would have left, we would not be here today. So the Counsellor told him not to tell me everything because she knew if we had enough time to forge something new, to realise how important what we had was, then as the rest of the crap came crawling out I would be able to deal with in a more rational (albeit still totally fucking insane, but not quite as insane as at the beginning, way). Clever!
Over time as I became stronger and my own person I decided that I was not going to let someone elses mistake define my life. I got to a point where I just didn’t fucking care!
I hope this helps, and if you think it will help someone else then please share.