Journal Entry: Friday 7th March 2008 / Saturday 8th March 2008
Hormones again! But my God how much better am I than the ramblings of the mad woman back in July?
But although I am sad the only difference now is that I understand that it is normal for me to feel sad. I am grieving for a life I had lost- even though I would not want that actual life back now. But what I would take from that life is the total trust that I had in Rich, that feeling that he loved me so totally; in a way that no-one else would. I am sad because I now know that is not/was not true. In fact he probably loves me in that way more now than ever before……
I had to stop writing this yesterday because Rich came in and have to write this alone, and I also know that it freaks Rich out when I write in my journal.
Since then we had a massive row, a combination of drink and hormones, but something that makes the truth come out sometimes. It was so stupid I said to Rich to get that I know he gets upset every day and he said he didn’t, and I got angry about that.
Why would I want Rich to get upset very day?
I think that it was because the implication from Rich is that he doesn’t get upset when I know that he is upset, and it is as if he is being arrogant again.
But now I look at it it’s not that; it’s that he is still so afraid .I am smiling now because I didn’t know I was going to write that word! But it is the word that Rich continuously used at the beginning of this awful journey – that he is so ‘afraid’. And now I have made it clear to myself that is why he appears as if he is upset all the time.
I went to London last week to the Cruse bereavement training. I learnt so much. That batting between feelings is the normal thing to do when you are grieving; and I know how much better I am now and understand that if you try to move on and change things, and make a new life, time can ease the pain.
After the row last night I still wonder if we would be better calling it a day to enable us to move on completely. I don’t know if being together is like picking at the scabs and never allowing them to heal; but then I think of Rich, of never coming home to him again, or never going shopping with him again, never holding his hand as we walk along the road and I would miss it all too much. I also know it would destroy him, and I would get no satisfaction from that.
When I went on the course I realised how much further down the road I am that Rich. That I need to help him!!
I forgive Rich for what he has done; I truly do; because I know he is so sorry, that it is time to forgive. I want to move on with my life and I cannot if I am consumed by bitterness. I told Rich and he thought it was because I had been drinking that I was saying this, but it wasn’t.
The next day, when I hadn’t had a drink he said that I didn’t mean it because this week I have been distant. I haven’t been as distant as before and I really have tried to help Rich, with all the problems at work and Don getting the sack.
But sometimes I still get down and I am trying to explain to Rich that this is all part of the process. That one day you will be happy and then bounce back to being down, upset, afraid, whatever, only to bounce back to being happy.
I am going to try to help Rich understand for me and for him.
Mois List: Bereavment feelings:
Loss, Shock,bewilderement, anger, fear, vengefulness, depression, sadness, loneliness, isolation, wanting to run away, doubt, numb, sick.
Rich’s list:Bereavment feelings:
Frightened, upset, shocked, embarrassed, depressed, anger, disbelief, bewilderment, dismay, dislike for himself.
Mois List: New Life/Moving on
Changed job, lost weight, more confidence, inner confidence, mellow, new friends, exercise, family contat, France, more money, loved more by Rich, adored by rich, better family life, more team working, happiness (at times) contentment (at times)
Rich List: New/moving on
Got Mois back, France, more money, no overtime, spends more time at home, cooking, having the courage of his convictions, supportive in-laws, more understanding.
Note: Rich did not say happiness or contentment because he felt as if he was on borrowed time.
Want to run away
|Changed Job||Promotion||Lost Weight||Have more confidence||Mellowness
Exercise more and got fit
Back in contact with my family
Better sex life
We have more money
I am loved more by Rich
Have a better family life
Work more together as a team now
|Bereavement – Emotions||New Life – Moving on|
|Got Mois back||Can call her Mois again||France||Have more money||No longer work overtime
Enjoy the house and living by the sea
Have the courage of your convictions
Have more support from friends and Mois’s family
Closer to Tom
Joint Bank accounts
Understanding from Mois about insecurities
Starting to get more confidence in actions
Although I try to follow the philosophy of the Tao and I undersand that everything in life is a lesson, and really we are not in control of what is going to happen; sometimes life never ceases to amaze me: the messages it gives you. This was one of those messages: Less than a year after The War’ broke out my new job meant that I had to be trained in understanding grief; so I was sent to a one day training session with the wonderful Cruse Organisation. What an eye opener that was! Grief encompasses so many things other than death: the loss of a job, retirement, moving home, the children leaving home, ill health and of course infidelity. Grief is about loss, about losing something that we held so dear, or losing our way, or losing ourselves.
I remember that training so well. It was when I finally came to realise that I was grieving, but also that Rich was grieving for what we had lost: grieving because he had killed it (his feelings even now), grieving because he had let himself down, so so many things that were going to be a lot harder for him to deal with over time.
I realised this, my chart that I drew in my journal to help him understand this shows it. At times over the ten months leading to this point Rich had contemplated suicide, because he disliked himself so much. If you look at his list for moving forward it is all about me and keeping me and looking at what he has got. If you look at mine I was moving forward: new job, new friends, new figure, nowhere do I write ‘got Rich back.’ Because as I have always said when it happened to me I found myself and I kept going and Rich had to keep up with me; and he did, he worked his arse off, and that’s why we are here today. (Some people who strayed may want to take note -you fucked up,own it!)
But back to the training and what I learnt that I put into place to save us: the emotions that you feel: shock, bewilderment, anger, loss they are all there; people say it is not the same as when you lose someone in death; but for me I think that loss is loss, and it affects us all in different ways.
But where this type of loss is concerned I do think that it is similar to death: you have lost the person you loved’, you have lost the life that you had and you have to rebuild, but more than that at the outset you have lost yourself: you don’t trust your own instincts, you are angry with yourself for allowing yourself to be deceived. I know that in my journal I call myself the ‘sad fat lump’ so often because I was so angry with the woman I had become before the affair. In fact I continued to refer to myself as that for years to come. Journal entry: A new beginning
You feel immeasurable pain and it drives you insane because of the deception and the disrespect that you have at times for your partner. Even if the person comes back, or stays, even if you make a go of it, what you had is still dead. What makes it different is that the opportunity may be there to rebuild, where, when you have lost someone in death then it is not. Perhaps we would all do well to remember that when we make our choices.
I would ask even now what forgiveness is. Does anyone know? I know that I didn’t when I wrote this entry. At that point I wanted to feel forgiveness for Rich because I thought it would make it all go away. But I believe that forgiveness is not the same for everyone because it is tied in with so many emotions; and we all feel different emotions so what may have been a strong emotion for me, may not be the strong emotion for you.
Having researched the various definitions of forgiveness which tend to quote other words, but not actually define it’ (perhaps because it is indifinable!) they say it is: pardoning someone, granting absolution, exonerating them; perhaps the words for me that defined it were understanding. Perhaps those that choose not to try or at least talk about it and explain what happened, may consider this: because you will never get forgiveness if you don’t help the person to understand why you did what you did.
Some definitions include mercy, and clemency, because they both mean to show compassion. Now I learnt that if you don’t want to lose your soul then this is something that you tend to do as time goes on, if you have managed to shut that demon up in your head of course! Coping Mechanisms -The Demon As I write this now I can see that I often had compassion for Rich, I began to be sympathetic to his suffering and I did not want him to suffer because I loved him.
So as the years went on I came to realise, more and more, that for me forgiveness was acceptance: accepting, to stop feeling anger and to stop blaming Rich for everything; and. especially, to put behind us what had happened: it was in the past it could not be changed, only the future could be moulded; and that had to be from what we had in the here and now. This then enabled me to allow Rich to build something new for me.
But this entry does show one thing that helped me get to that point, and that is that I did not want to be destroyed by bitterness: because it meant that ‘she’ would have won; and I was not prepared to let ‘her’ beat me in any way, and I still won’t! I came to understand that bitterness is too negative an emotion that can help destroy you in the end.Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy
So to help Rich I drew him the table that showed all the things he had in his old life, like fear that I would leave, (although he still has that even now; that is Rich I cannot do any more than I have done!) feeling depressed, didn’t believe that he could keep me, to the things he had in his new life including: how he had won me back, how we visited France so often and had fallen in love with it, how he now had the courage of his convictions; and, bless him, he read it and took it on board. I cannot get the arrows on the diagram to show but like the picture at the beginning I learnt on this course that with grief there are stages; but that you don’t move forward in them and stay there: in fact you move backwards and forwards, sometimes being at stage six (acceptance) only to find that you swing right back to stage one -despair; and that is what drives you fucking mad!!
But by understanding that this was going to happen to me, and to Rich I could accept it; and trust me: when you learn to accept some things they cannot bite you on the arse as badly as they have when you were refusing to accept them.
So when you feel despair again and you think (as I did) ‘Oh for fuck’s sake when will this end!’ Don’t beat yourself up about it: because tomorrow you will bounce somewhere else and you will probably feel better than you did the day before, or the week before, or the month before. Just tell yourself this: ‘Do you know what I feel now today is pain, (acceptance) but if I don’t dwell on it, if I make myself think of something else, make myself do something to occupy my mind to stop me dwelling on it then it will pass, (belief, strength, taking control) and I will feel different. ‘ That is what I used to do and guess what? I always did!
I hope this helps.