Monday May 2008
When I came to write this today I was shocked at how long ago it had been since I last wrote in it. Now I am even more shocked when I realise I have been writing it for nearly a year!
I don’t feel the need to write everything down, word for word anymore. I don’t always feel like writing in this journal. In fact I have been so happy I have almost felt afraid of writing in it, of bringing everything back. But I have come to realise, over the last couple of days that it has not fully gone away. Never will. Time will ease it but it won’t ever go away completely.
I have felt weird over the past week I suppose. Nothing I can put my finger on, other than time is kicking in and things are changing without any effort or control on my part.
I am happy. I have had a fantastic holiday in France, at a time when it should have been awful. I learnt how terribly bullied Danny was when he was younger( thanks to Mandy) and what I have realised, as a result of our conversations was that Danny wasn’t leaving me, he was running away, the only thing he has been taught to do.
I gave Danny a ‘bye’ in France, and promised that if he told me the truth I would not leave as a result of it.
Danny never met ‘her’ in the October before ‘The War’ at ‘her’ brother’s house. He told me that because that is what ‘she’ put on the divorce papers, he was so terrified I would see them so he made up a lie! That was what he had told the counsellor that was what the counsellor told him to not tell me the truth about. I did not need to know. But that just led to Danny telling one lie after another and digging deeper and deeper hole – running away again!
At first I was elated, that it had been proved to me that I could not have got it so wrong, But I have also come to realise how different Danny and I are; always have been. I have just read my first entry in this journal, today a year later: when I said that I did not know Danny at all; and the answer to that is ‘no’ I didn’t!
All these years and I never realised how afraid Danny is of everything. I can look back and see so many instances of it over the past ten years; I am so me again! And so not like Danny, and it makes me wonder what I was doing here in the first place. It makes me wonder if I can ever have any respect for Danny. I can now see what everybody else could see, he was an arsehole and not good enough for me. I am now sad, but in a resigned sort of way, not in an all-consuming way anymore.
I asked myself a question – What is the most important thing that I would like to keep in the near future? And the answer was ‘my job’. I can never ever give up my independence again.
I think I will be writing some more of this – a new phase now – I need to analyse me.
The first thing that really surprised me when I read this entry was that I had not felt the need to write in my journal during the anniversary of when war broke out.
As you know I have written in my four previous posts (links are at the bottom of this post) about what happened and about the things I had learnt; but whilst we were away I did not write in my journal. I know it came with me (God knows it came everywhere with me; it was my little angel that kept that demon at bay!); but I did not write in it.
I think what I said in this entry was true I was afraid to write in it because I felt happy and did now want to bring it all back. I think part of the other reason was that the whole point of going away was to make new memories. Whilst I could not fight off the urge to re-live every second of what had happened the year before, I knew that writing in that journal was a link to the past; and that the time in France was about trying to make a present and a future; so I didn’t write in my journal to try to give the present and future a chance.
I know that many people read this blog, and they want to understand how to just put one foot in front of the other; get through another day; they ask me often how I did it. So I have to say that the biggest lesson that I learnt was acceptance. It was in fact a gift that I took forward in all aspects of my life: when we are afraid of something, when we want something to be different we often fight it tooth and nail, but there is no point: what has happened has happened; where you are is where you are: there is no going back. What you have is what you have; if something is playing on your mind do you know what? It’s playing on your mind! Accept it.
If your heart is broken your heart is broken; if you feel better one day and then shit the next then accept that is a fact of life at that moment: one day you will feel okay, the next you will feel distraught! Only then will those things start to lose their power; only then will you be able to take control of them.
If you read back over the last year I have written about in this blog I learnt: to get in the car and say hello to the demon who was waiting to torment me on my drive home with what had happened. I learnt that (and would continue to learn as you will see) I could feel great and then within seconds I could be in tears. I learnt to say to my head when it became so down ‘Oh there you are! I wondered when you were going to appear!’ I literally used to say that!
I cannot stress enough that acceptance is the key; and if you cannot accept where you are then you are going to struggle to move forward; or even survive. Some people will say ‘why should I accept it? I didn’t do anything!’ No you didn’t! But that doesn’t change where you are. Either accept where you are and become stronger and move forward or don’t; and stay trapped on the ocean of despair.
In this journal entry I say how happy I am; that I had not written in my journal because I was happy; and then by the end of this very entry I say what an arsehole Danny is and how he is not good enough for me! I say that if I had to choose something in life I did not want to lose it would be my job! Clearly I was really happy!
Looking back I can say I was happier; but I was still destroyed; and I know that you all understand that. It does get better but only with acceptance and time.
With regard to Danny telling me ‘the ‘truth’ about what had happened: as I have said before what is the truth? Whatever you want to believe; because you will only believe what you want to anyway.
I don’t believe Danny, even today. I believe that the original story that he told me the night he wanted to come home was probably as near to the truth as I was ever going to get. I believe that Danny told me a year later, whilst in France, that it was all a lie because he was so desperate to keep me; and he could see that I was becoming stronger and stronger; independent of him both financially and personally. That I had got ‘me’ back again (and I was never going to lose ‘me’ again). Danny knew that the possibility of me leaving him actually grew greater every day and he did what he could to keep me: he lied.
Now I know that this is a massive thing for all those who have been betrayed.But here is my take on it many many years later:
Even today Danny is adamant that it is the truth; but for me there are too many things that add together to make the original story more feasible; and I will never lie to myself again. But I can forgive Danny that lie, and probably many others, because I understand that he was terrified of losing me; which in itself showed how much he loved me.
I know it doesn’t matter how long it went on; it happened. It doesn’t matter what he lied to me about; he lied. It doesn’t matter how many times they had sex; they had sex: how many times they spoke on the phone; how many places they visited together; how many times he met her when he was supposed to be at work and on and on and on: He had an affair; he broke my heart, he lied to me, he laughed at me, he said he loved someone else: that’s all I need to know. Only I can make up my mind whether to stay and what to base that decision on: and it wasn’t going to be the past but the here and now, the man who came back and work so hard; the man in France who stood in front of me the and the man who stands in front of me now.
Danny made a massive fucking mistake and his urge was to run away and he did; then he came back and he stayed; he put up with every piece of shit I threw at him (and trust me he was covered) and even today the demon in his head tells him I will leave one day; but he stays anyway because although he is terrified of losing me he loves me and will take every day with me, living in fear or not.
One of the things that I see now is how harsh I was. I never considered, even a year later, that Danny’s heart was as broken as it was, I learnt that over the years; and I know that it is still broken today. The sad thing is that Danny broke his own heart and no matter what I say to him now to make it better I cannot help him fix it. It will be broken forever. But when I wrote this entry I had failed to see all the hard work that Danny had put in to keep us there – At that time, where I was concerned I was a selfish cow and it really was ‘it’s all about me.com!!’
Danny had been bullied throughout his years at secondary school, and, yes his answer had always been to run away; but when I wrote this entry I had failed to see that although Danny had run away from me, because his fear was that I was too good for him and that he would never keep me, this time he had come back! Even though I had said in my journal many times that Danny had stepped up to the line, in fact pulled me up there with him, when I wrote this entry I forgot all of this. I think that it is fair to say that is how selfish you can become when someone has broken your heart; and I understand that in a lot of ways you have to become selfish to survive; but over time you have to be careful that you don’t become a victim, or bitter because the only person who will be damaged from that is you. I was never prepared to let it beat me; not any of it!
As for work defining me, well that is another story, but not a hopeful one like this one is now. The only advice I would give you is don’t let any‘thing’ define you. Define yourself.
I will also say that I chose these memes carefully today………
The Anniversary – Part I The anniversary: Part II- running away
The Anniversary part III The Anniversary part IV: It’s not exclusive we all get damaged!
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
I would love to hear your feedback.
So much truth. I’ll need to come back to this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Repeatedly I read from the men and women that feel betrayed that it is the responsibility of someone else to make them feel better, to make them happy, and repair the damage.
The reality is I cannot rely on someone else to do those things. Too often in my relationship with my xp I confused feeling happy in my life with her and her making me happy. I was happy and joyous and excited when I was with her because that is what I chose to be.
This is what I like about you, and this post, you took responsibility for your feelings and your life. You didn’t wait for him to decide. He could either join you or leave but you lead with the idea that it is your choice. If you are unhappy with your choice you recognize you are free to make another choice.
I also appreciate you do not put yourself in the trap of the absolute truth trap. There will always be things that are true to one person and not true to another…and because of perceptions truths will never be the same. At times I think the best we can hope for is some overlapping. In the overlapping is where the opportunities for living lie. As you said, you fully expect he was lying, and continues to lie, about details but the truth that matters is he wants to be with you and you want to be with him.
Thank you Moisy for sharing your experience.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I lovethe way that you take my words and explain themback to me in a way that I had not seen them. It is all true Sean, the only person that is with you allyour life is you, and therfore the only person who can always make you happy is you.
When I met Rich my mum had died and my dad had six strokes all in the 18 months before I met him. Add to that family issues and I looked to Rich to make it all alright and make me happy. I realised when all this happened that I had set him an impossible task; and I went from there. This particular post caused a lot of twittering! Especially about the lies!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lol. I bet the “lies” comment did…and a bunch of words of entitlement. I greatly appreciate your self-awareness and honesty…a perspective very much in line with the research on trauma recovery and life’s best practices. I understand why people struggle with it because it is hard to change perspectives. As such, I’m digging into this concept, “We don’t hear much about how painful it is to go from being completely stuck to becoming unstuck. The process of becoming unstuck requires tremendous bravery, b/c we are completely changing our way of perceiving reality.”
Also, I didn’t see any of the comments (mostly because I ignored it).
Again, I go back to what I said about you, Dolly, Elle, Helen, and a few others: you’re taking this experience as an opportunity to grow forward and not simply be locked into the Orbit around infidelity and pain. Unfortunately, for some it is easier to justify being a bitch or think of others as chumps then to treat their own wounds.
In reality if someone wants to believe the lies were malicious and intended to hurt that is the way it is carried forward. It is easier to think of oneself as a victim.
Don’t get me wrong, malicious lies happen, probably in 1% of the situations, but those 1% get 99% of the Twitter feed.
I find choosing my perspective and attitude open doors I thought long closed.
Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
But when I pointed out the point most then agreed, & I got thanked. I will stand my ground on it because people can’t say I don’t know. I so do. M ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
For reasons, you can say things I cannot, plus you are WAY more tactful than me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This post should probably be handed out to all of the new members of our unfortunate club. I completely agree that because we weren’t in the room we’ll never know for sure what transpired between our spouses and the APs, and if our gut tells us something is untrue it likely is. (There are certain facets of my husband’s story where I really doubt he can even tell the difference between what’s real and unreal.) So, you can ruminate on it and be miserable or just put your adult pants on and decide whether you can live with and get beyond what you believe to be true. It doesn’t mean that we give up on the truth or the facts we need. It just means that they don’t control us.
And while working and raising a family isn’t in the cards for everyone, I certainly intend to encourage my daughter to be as financially independent as possible. Knowing that I can leave – if I were to chose to do so – is such a blessing to me. Truly, it is. I never have to question whether I’m staying because I “have to.” My husband is also aware that I have made a very deliberate choice to stay with him. I know that has had a positive impact on our healing and I’m guessing it did for you and Rich as well. These men know that we are trying to heal and build a better life with them because we want to, not because we have to.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for this. As you know I am going to get my book printed this year, it includes my blog & other entries I have not included, & it was always my aim that someone could highlight passages & reread them, in the midst of their madness; & when it grips them, as we know it does. Your words mean so much.
Sometimes I read others story, or others who just seem to be going round in circles, and I know that unless they can see the things that I have written about things will never move forward. The Cad has responded to this post & he is right when he says nobody can make it better for those who have been betrayed, only themselves. We both know that to expect others to make us happy will not succeed; we have to make the decisions for ourselves and they (as in the betrayer) will need to keep up.
You are so right where your daughter is concerned, be independent, & then your relationship will be based on you being there because you want to be.
LikeLiked by 2 people
nicely said ❤