Category: The twenty one days

Diary of the twenty one days we were apart, and boy did I get stronger

March 2007 – The Build up to Hostilites begin

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March 2007 

It was Saturday night and Rich was on a night shift.  I was watching T.V.  in the living room, half asleep, when Tom came down and said  “Mum, there’s a weird message on our phone”

I listened to the message it was a text message and I could hear my blood start to pound in my ears as I listened to the robotic voice say “Been thinking about you all day today, can’t stop. I can’t wait to be with you, I want you so much.”

I sat up, Tom was looking at me. “What does it mean mum?”

I lied and said “Probably the wrong number.” But after he left the room I redialled and listened again. Then I checked the number, it was “Her” number. I called Rich, “Why is ‘She’ sending text messages to our landline that say that she wants you?” I asked.

I could hear the panic in his voice. “What? I don’t know! What does it say?”

“I told you to be careful of her, I told you she could cause us damage.” I said. “Is there something going on between you?”

“No darling, there is nothing going on. I don’t know why she sent a message to our house. I have said before that I think we should stop having anything to do with them.”

Rich had suggested that we stop spending time with them, but then ‘She’ would come over for something and Rich would change his mind.

Ten minutes later my phone rang, it was ‘Her’.

“I’m so sorry, I think I sent a text to your landline number by mistake. It was meant to go to this man that I have been seeing. Please don’t tell my partner as I have been doing it  behind ‘His’ back. Please don’t tell ‘Him’ will you?”

My gut told me not to believe ‘Her’so I was cool to ‘Her’ and told ‘her’ to “just forget it”

Later that night ‘She’ knocked at the door, she was pissed, she kept saying how ‘sorry ‘She’ was. I told ‘Her’ to just go home; but I didn’t sleep that night.

When Rich got home the next morning I was up waiting for him. I said how I had warned him that ‘She’ was unhappy and dangerous to be around. We both agreed that we did not want to spend time with them anymore.

We sat at the breakfast bar in our beautiful kitchen and Rich stroked my hand and looked me in the eyes and said “Seriously darling, do you really think that I am going to risk all that we have for someone like ‘Her’? I would never risk losing you I love you so much.”

I believed him. I wanted to.

The following week ‘She’ invited us to their house for a meal to celebrate my birthday from the previous January; because they had not been available to come out for the celebrattions, and to say how sorry ‘She’ was for the text ‘She’ had sent.  Rich said it would look rude if we did not go.

As per ususal ‘She’  kept topping up my glass with wine, I never managed to finish a glass before ‘She’ poured some more. As the evening wore on ‘She’ and Rich went outside for a cigarette, as they always did, and I saw ‘Her’ reach out and stroke him, it was how she touched him, and I knew! I knew!!

I lost  my temper and accused them of having an affair but  they cried me down, telling me I was imagining it. Although I had  accused them of seeing each other, they both denied it and her partner just stood there watching, he did not seem bothered and I thought that it must be me.

Rich took me home, and told me I was imagining things, that I had acted like an idiot and then returned their house without me.

I was in my pyjamas, wandering around the house like a mad woman, muttering to myself that they were trying to make a fool of me, I clearly remember shouting at the poor dog, “They think I am some sort of stupid cunt, but I know”. . I went back over to their house; I was in my pyjamas and dressing gown and  I must have looked like an insane woman as I crossed the road, I was convinced that I was going to catch them out.

But when I burst through the door all three of them were sitting there having coffee. ‘She’ was holding court, as ‘She’ had all evening, saying how ‘She’ had lost weight, how ‘She’ measured us all  to see who was the shortest, me!

But I looked like even more of a fool, standing there in my nightclothes, as they all sat together drinking coffee and it just reinforced the idea that I was imagining it. But now I know I should have gone with my gut!!

Moisy

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

Out of Reach by Gabrielle Songwriters: Jonathan Shorten / Louisa Bobb

Day 3 – (Thursday) Be careful what you release….

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Day 3 – Thursday 12th April 2007 

My poor friend Toni was up all night with me. I was sitting on the end of her bed, going over it over and over it again and again reliving events, questioning things right back to our holidays the year before, when we had gone to their house for a drink and ‘She’ had come downstairs in new pyjamas; how Rich had commented on them. How did Rich know that they were new?

Nothing made sense and my mind was just trying to find a reason, any reason to answer my biggest question. Why?

My friend suggested that I send a text to Rich because She,along with all of our other friends, could not believe this was happening because to them it was clear that Rich loved me so much. We had to resolve things about the house and  bills, our whole life; and I needed to talk to him about what we would do.

So the next morning I sent a text to Rich and asked him to please answer my texts, and call me as we needed to talk about the house. I was shaking I was so afraid that he would not answer me and ignore me again. Little did I know it would be worse than that!

Rich called me, he was very hard and cold towards me as he asked me what I wanted to talk to him about; it was as if there was nothing to talk about and I was just trying to get him to talk to me. I could hear ‘Her’ in the background and when Rich spoke to her he sounded happy and upbeat. I asked him if he was happy and he said that yes he was, ‘very happy’. I just sat there on the outside step of our house listening to this man who I did not know, felt as if I had not known him at all. How could he be happy when he had caused so much destruction?

Rich asked me what I was going to do about the house because I did not earn enough money to pay the mortgage on it. I said that I was going to keep the house and he laughed and said “How will you keep it? On what you earn you won’t be able to afford to!” I heard ‘Her’  laugh in the background as he said it and Rich started to laugh too.

My heart was well and truly broken; listening to this man who I believed would never let me down laugh at me, with her. I realised then that the plan was to get poor, fat Moisy out of the house, take everything from her because she only worked part time and would not be able to survive.

At that moment in time I hated Rich with all my heart. My eyes filled up with tears, but I would not cry, I would not let them know that I was broken; not this time.  Little did Rich know that his behaviour was like putting a match to a pilot flame, it re-ignited a strength in me that I had not had since my mum had died. I told Rich that “I” was keeping the house; I told him that in a few months’ time when he had “fuck all”, and was “up shit creek without a paddle, in a bedsit with nothing but a small T.V,  he would remember this conversation and how wrong he was.” I hung up.

This time the only thing I could feel burning inside of me was anger, and I needed that to win, because I was fucked if that cunt was going to take everything from me. That was it now: A battle and I was going to fucking beat them.

I felt better; the old Mois was coming back.

My sister called me, we talked about things that had happened leading up to the war, and the fact that Rich had brought the house up in the conversation; my sister said that it was clear that ‘She’ wanted my life: Rich, the house I had worked so hard on, and the money from Rich’s job. My sister then said  “She’s run off with the wrong one, because you are the driving force and she should have run off with you if ‘She’ wanted what you had.”

What a fool, she’s picked on the wrong one now!!

I was afraid, I was petrified
Thinking I could never live without you by my side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
But I grew strong
I learned how to get along ….

Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

Took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high….

And you see me somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person
That’s still in love with you

I will survive

Performed by Chantey Savage Written by Mick Mars, Nikki Sixx

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The Background story – Making a new life and there are clouds on the horizon…

clouds on the horizon

2005 – 2006

Over time we got to know all of the neighbours and we would occasionally go out with the couple who lived near to us.

I had been warned by other women to be careful of ‘Her’, because she always seemed to be after somebody’s husband or partner. I was not worried because I knew that Rich loved me so much, I was safe, we were safe.

From looking at ‘Her’  it came across to me that ‘She’ was the type of woman that flirtedwith every man because ‘She’ had to know that every man fancied ‘Her’ believing that ‘She’ could get one over on any other woman especially the wife!

But I knew that Rich, loved me so much.  I had never had anyone love me as much as Rich, and I knew that he would never stray…. Or I thought I knew…..

We started to go out with them often, and would go to parties at their house where ‘She’ and Rich would go outside together for a cigarette. Despite my confidence in Rich I did warn him to be careful of ‘Her’, because it was clear that she fancied him. Rich just shrugged off the idea that ‘She’ liked him, and said that I had nothing to worry about as nobody could take him away from me; and I believed him.

In the June of 2006 our boiler went wrong, we came home from the beach one evening and there was water everywhere. ‘She’ offered for us to use their shower whilst we were waiting for the part to fix it. We were conscious of not intruding on their hospitality and went over there separately to shower; I can remember now how Rich was gone a lot longer than I was; and even then I had my doubts; I should have listened.

In the July of 2006 we went to their house for a drink. ‘She’ was not there but when ‘Her’ partner told ‘her’ we had come over when he called ‘Her’  ‘She’ rushed home and went upstairs to get changed. When ‘She’ came downstairs ‘she’ was dressed in silky pyjamas. ‘There nice pyjamas, are they new?” Rich said.

I look back now and can see so much.

There were other times when alarm bells rang:

At a party at their house in the July of 2006,  and I was talking in the kitchen and came outside to see ‘Her’ dragging Rich onto the makeshift dancefloor that had been  set up in the garden, I went over and pulled Rich away; I was angry with Rich because  we had talked about  ‘Her’ behaviour towards Rich only that morning, and how it was clear that she fancied him. Rich had just laughed, but it hurt me that he had agreed to dance with her. Alarm bells were ringing, and I wasn’t listening.

I trusted Rich. Didn’t I?

For our wedding anniversary, Rich bought me a red glass heart, the card with it said to take care of it because it held his love for me. Little did I know how fragile that love really was.

We often had parties at our house and planned a big party for Halloween in 2006. But by this time I had started to grow uneasy about Rich and ‘Her’. They seemed to be having more and more smoking time outside, leaving me with ‘Her’ partner. ‘She’ seemed to be more and more competitive towards me, she lost weight and would suggest that our heights were measured because she was at least two inches taller than me. I had let myself go, weighed well over fifteen stone, and had started to feel insecure about my looks.

On the day of our party Rich and I  had a serious talk about ‘Her’ behaviour and how she was making me feel. I asked Rich to be careful of ‘Her’, that I thought she was trying to cause trouble between us. He just laughed and said that I had nothing to worry about. He had bought me a new dress to wear at the party, with a pair of black leather calf length boots so that I could dress up as a glamorous witch.

But on the night of the party she arrived dressed as a black cat, with shorts on and black cat ears.   As the party wore on I could not find Rich anywhere eventually finding him  sitting on the sofa, with her sitting on his lap. I had drunk so much I went mad, and pulled her off. When I look back now I wished I had punched her as well!

I told Rich that if I ever found out that he was cheating on me I would do it back to him tenfold and I would always have my revenge. I stormed out of the party; but Rich did not come after me, which he had always done in the past, in the pit of my stomach I knew that we needed to get out of our relationship with ‘Them.’

By now my gut was screaming at me, and I was ignoring it! What had happened to me?

Moisy

gut feelings

Our first Summer living by the Sea…Follow my blog with Bloglovin

2004 -2006

In the first summer of 2004  we just enjoyed ‘being’. Spending time on the beach, getting to know our new neighbours, Jess and Matt, who had moved in next door just after us; we would spend whole days on the beach, from ten in the morning until the sun set at night, sometimes with our friends and neighbours at their beach hut until after midnight.

We both worked hard, but loved the life we had made for ourselves, a beautiful house, a beautiful place to live, long hot sunny days. We felt blessed.

We were so happy.

How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kinda life would that be
Oh I need you in my arms, need you to hold
You are my world, my heart, my soul

If you ever leave
Baby you would take away
Everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you?
I want to know
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go

Songwriters: Diane Warren

How Do I Live lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Realsongs

Moisy

A background story – Our move to live by the sea – our idyllic life had begun…..

2003

We had decided to sell our house in Essex and move to the coast and due our close proximity to London we gained a large profit from the sale of our home enabling us to buy a beautiful Edwardian house, with a balcony, huge fireplaces, original sash windows, and a tiled path leading up to it, in a road that literally led down to the sea. It was idyllic.

Rich was offered a job with a small firm who supplied the railway with staff, and despite my promotions at work I was able to transfer my role over to Kent.  We thought we had it made, Rich could work with the new company in Kent and would not have to commute back to Essex; and I could work part time with a new role within the local NHS supplier.

On moving day, after the removal men had left, we cracked open a beer and Rich burst into tears. He could not believe his life now, married to me, with a beautiful house, and a good job in the offing, our life seemed perfect.

But the job with the new railway company fell through! Rich was bitterly disappointed but, he said he was happy to commute and wanted me to work part-time and take care of him and Tom, who had settled in to his new life quickly, loved his new school, had made new friends.

I was happy to work part time but not long after our move a full time job came up,  a good job, as an Executive Assistant, within the local NHS hospital Trust, and I wanted to take it.  Rich didn’t want me to go back to work full time; he wanted to look after me. “It’s only for a short term, whilst someone is on maternity leave” I said. We could always do with the money to renovate the house” I said; and I took the job.

We were so happy, living by the sea, able to walk to the beach in three minutes, tom was settled, life was good………

Moisy

Day 2 – (Wednesday) Hostilities begin

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April 11th 2007

After the missed call I had lain awake the rest of the night; I could not sleep, every time I closed my eyes I could see Rich and ‘Her’ kissing, caressing each other, having sex; and it jolted me awake as if someone had slapped me. So at seven in the morning I decided to go home. I woke my sister, who immediately got up to make me tea. My poor sister she was so tired after listening to me the night before, ranting like a mad woman; and here I was early hours of the morning ranting again.  I had no concept of time or consideration for others, I was heartbroken and that was consuming me by the minute.

I had to go home, I had to face it: the garden, the house all left exactly as it had been from two nights ago; with the blackened food on the BBQ, the serviettes and paper plates fluttering away in the spring breeze, scattered all over the garden. But worse than that I was going back to an empty house, a house that Rich was never going to be in with me again, and I was terrified of facing that reality. But face it I must. I left my sister with tears in her eyes, because she did not know what she could do for me to make it better; because there was nothing she could do. As I left she told me I was worth more than Rich, and I knew at that time that I had to believe that to survive.

As I drove home I started to get angry, really angry at how they had made such a  fool of me for so long, at how I had fucking let them; so by the time I arrived at the house I knew that I had to remove all remnants of Rich from it, I couldn’t bear to look at the photos and the memories, everywhere I turned there was something to remind me of him.

As I pulled into the kerb outside the house I just sat in the car with that awful feeling of dread about going into the house, our beautiful, loved house that was now so sad and empty.

I called Rich’s sister to see if she had been able to talk any sense into him, in the hope that she would be able to tell me that she had, and that Rich was coming home. But when his sister answered the phone she was very cool, in fact quite off; saying that she didn’t want to talk to me, because, after all, Rich was her brother, and her loyalties should be with him. And that’s it! just like that she doesn’t want to know me anymore!

I just didn’t understand any of it, how it could all change so quickly, or why his sister seemed to think Rich was doing the right thing. I could not understand why none of Rich’s family had tried to make contact with me, to see if I , or more importantly Tom, was alright. I had been with Rich for nine years and now none of them seemed to give a shit that he had left or about what he had done. It was at that point I started to wonder if I had been living a lie for the last nine years. None of it made any sense and I just didn’t understand what is going on.

My lovely neighbours Jess and Matt come out to me because they can see me crying in the car and they know that I am being watched. Jess put her arms around me and hugged me and I start to cry, saying that I am terrified of going into the house, the empty house that only days before had been full of laughter and happiness. Jess tells me she will come with me and as we go in I explain that I have to get every single item of Rich out of our house. I had been living a lie, it had all been crap, that I cannot bear to look at the memories, cannot bear to look at what were obviously lies.

There is one particular photo of Rich and Tom with Tom with his arms around Rich looking over his shoulders. We were so happy then, on holiday in Menorca, having a wonderful time.  I just cannot understand where that loving, kind, gentle man has gone. I cannot bear to look at that photo ever again.

I never did it got lost in aftermath of War.

So everything went; photos, jewellery, a tiny small silver heart Rich had bought me to hang from my silver bangle. The glass heart that he had bought me,  he had told me when he gave it to me to take care of it because it was fragile because it held his love for me, he asked me not to break it, and as I dropped into the black bin liner I really hoped that it smashed to fucking smithereens! I did not care  because it was all crap; it had to be, because otherwise he would not have done this to me.

Everything went into black bin liners Rich’s pants, all his clothes, in fact every single thing that reminded me of our life together went into the bags and over to our neighbours  house across the road,  just thrown onto her driveway. She had agreed to have it in her garden because she could see how distessed I was. I even took Rich’s bike over and dumped it on the drive unceremoniously. The bike that he had bought with his pay increase to celebrate one of his promotions, one of the many promotions that I had helped him achieve!

Luckily my friend Della’s husband put it in the garage after I had left, before it was stolen. Little did I know that I would need later.

After we had finished Jess commented that when you walked into the house it was as if Rich had never existed. I didn’t care, I didn’t care what would be lost; we were lost.

My friend, my beautiful friend, Toni, arrived after driving the four hundred miles from Cornwall since early morning. She had brought with her a cheque for me to put in my bank to help me ‘until things got sorted out’. It is a gesture that will remain with me for the rest of my life, that sometimes people just do things because they’re kind, and not for any other reason.This gave me leverage, it helped my frenetic mind, it was a life saver at that time; and I felt good knowing that I had left Rich and ‘Her’ without a penny to their name.

Tom decided to go to his girlfriend’s house in Essex. I understood, he could not bear to see his mum, who was always so strong, the person who had always kept it all together, even in the years when she was a single parent, in such a mess. It was frightening for him, and he kept asking me if I was going to be alright, that we were going to be alright.

Looking at me and the way that I was I can understand why he thought that things might all go wrong My friend ~Sherrie  from work arrived that evening and I could see she was shocked to see me as I was:  A mad woman, going from intermittently swearing and calling Rich all the bastards (or worse) under the sun, to sobbing uncontrollably.

I had still not gone into the garden, I could literally not go out there, I was afraid of the memories it held with the remnants of the BBQ all around me, taunting me of that day: the day that I realised what a fucking fool they had made of me. There was stuff that belonged to ‘them’ everywhere, a heater, some chairs, plates, my friends just took it and dumped it into ‘their’ garden. Everything else just got thrown away, including china plates, Rich’s beloved BBQ tools, everything. I just didn’t care. I wanted it gone, along with the memories.

When I told my friends that ‘Her’ partner had been to see me and had told me that he had put a tracker on their phone they told me to distance myself from him, to not listen to what he was saying to me because it would not do me any good.

I weighed myself, I had lost six pounds in two days.

Always a silver lining. …..

(Oops) there goes the dreams we used to say

(Oops) there goes the time we spent away

(Oops) there goes the love I had But you cheated on me and that’s for that now

(Oops) there goes the house we’ve made a home

(Oops) there goes “you’ll never leave me alone”

(Oops) for all the lies you told This is what you’re owed

All of the dreams you sold

Left me out in the cold

What happened to the days when we used to trust each other

And all of the things I sold

Will take you until you get old T

o get em back without me

‘Hit em up style’ Performed by Blue Cantrell Songwriters: Dallas Austin

Moisy

The first shot is fired….

The Story – The build up to The War….

The first shot is fired 

April 2007 – 

It was Easter Monday and an unusually hot day for the time of year so we decided to have a BBQ, invite’ Them’ over, with our other friends Mary and Den.

As usual lots of drink was consumed, music was playing, and ‘Her’ partner waited until I was sitting alone in the snug when he came up to me.

“You know that they have been texting each other don’t you? “He said.  Just like that, like a bolt out of the blue; “That there is something going on behind our backs.”

I looked at him, “That’s not true” I said, “Rich loves me too much to put our relationship at risk.” And then he told me, how they had been messaging each other for some time, that Rich knew that he knew, how they had all known and that ‘She’ and Rich had been making a fool of me.

Through the open doorway I could see Rich looking at us, oblivious to what was going on around him, with everyone dancing and singing, his sole focus was on me and what I was being told. The look on his face was ‘That’s it! I’ve lost her! She knows!’ It was a look of pure pain, and I knew from the look on Rich’s face that what I was being told was true. I couldn’t believe it, I wanted him to come in and tell me I was being told lies; but I knew that even if Rich had I would not believe him. I knew, at that moment, that I had denied what was happening, I had lied to myself, I felt like a stupid bitch for fooling myself.

After that all hell broke loose; I was so drunk and went into the kitchen and screamed at Rich, screamed at ‘Her’ and told ‘Her’ partner to get out.

I stumbled up to the balcony, the beautiful balcony that had made me fall in love with our house, our forever home. I could not believe that my life was crumbling around me; it felt as if everything was in slow motion, as if I was wading through treacle, everything was swirling around me and I prayed to God that this was a dream, and that any moment now I would wake up.

I thought that Rich would come up to me, but ‘She’ came up instead to say that I had to understand that they were just ‘friends’, that they supported each other that they had just been talking to each other and how I must accept that.

I told her to get off the balcony and leave me alone and that if ‘She’ didn’t I was going to push ‘Her’ off the fucking balcony; and I swear to God, I would have!

Downstairs the music had been turned off and there was a stunned silence. I could hear my friend, Mary, ask Rich if it was true and I could hear Rich crying.

I couldn’t bear it, I could hear the blood rushing in my ears and I just felt as if I was in a dream and I had to get out of the house.

So I ran down the stairs and out of the door, it was my dear friend Mary who ran after me, not Rich.  I was sobbing uncontrollably. We walked to the end of the road with me babbling about how it could not be true.

When Rich came down the road with Den, Mary’s husband,  he too was sobbing, and I knew from his reaction that it was true.

I just screamed at him, said how I couldn’t believe he had done this, ruined everything we had, everything we had worked so hard for; and I ran back to the house. I thought that Rich would come after me, tell me that it would all be alright, and say how sorry he was.

But he didn’t come back…

Moisy

Honestly, what will become of me?
Don’t like reality
It’s way too clear to me
But, really, life is dandy
We are what we don’t see
We miss everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

‘All good things come to an end.’ Written by Nelly Furtado, Chris Martin, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley. Performed by Nelly Furtado