Tag: broken wings

Journal Entry – 3 months of recovery: Own It!

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Sunday 29th July 2007

It’s over. I have to let it go.

I have to let go of what happened and look at what we can create new, better even. I do actually believe that.

I have come to a lot of conclusions this week, and all in all, since about Wednesday it has been a very difficult week.

I could not get out of my head what Rich had done; why Rich had done it; the deceit.

I know how much I have changed over the last three months…… so much.

When Rich first came back I had written in this journal that he wanted back what we had, and that he wanted the same. But now I know that we can never have that back; ever!

It has gone, died; Rich killed it by what he did.

I am different, stronger, me again. I know that I don’t need Rich for materialistic things, because I could sell up and buy a really nice flat on my own. – But, also that is why I stay. I love him, and ironically, despite what happened, I know that Rich loves me.

But I have also realised that I needed to talk to Rich about the ‘Why?’  Why did he do it? All of it? Tell him how it made and makes me feel. For the first time in my life take the monkey off my back and put it onto someone else’s – Rich’s, because he put it there in the first place.

So on Friday I did that; I told him that we can never have back what we had (I don’t actually want that back anymore. But Rich does because he is distraught at what he has lost.)

I know that really hurt him, but tough!! I never asked to be where I am, and I do feel, at times, that I have been pussy footing around Rich and working so hard to make him feel alright that I have forgotten about me.

Now the time has come to sort me out, no matter how hard Rich finds it.

It helped putting the monkey on his back, a lot!

It upset him but there you go I am upset! And there was a time, not so long ago, when no-body worried about me.

I made Rich talk to me about Grays and why he went to meet her there in the October; I asked why he started seeing ‘Her’ again in February; told him when I thought he was lying, asked him when he thought of me! I know it really upset him, and perhaps part of me was happy he was so upset.

Toni came up from Cornwall this weekend and we went to see Mary. I went out to show Mary Rich’s new car and we were talking. Rich’s face when we came back into the garden – he looked so worried, so alone. I don’t want him to look like that, so I went over and kissed him. But later I started to think about the answers he gave about Grays; and there have been three different versions so far! The one thing I need Rich to be now is honest, as he has lied to me too often and too long. And then that fact gets to me!

When he got home we ended up arguing over it. I ended up really upset about it all – it all came out, if you like. I told him how he wanted to run away from this part of our recovery, wanted to pretend and ignore it; but it is my head all the time, and I can’t ignore it, and he put it there!

Rich got defensive, the worst thing he can do. So I told him it was over, that I can’t do it. Rich needs to make amends for what he has done and not keep being afraid. I gave him back my wedding ring.

One of the things that gets to me is when I am upset Rich just stands there. I used what had happened in Mary’s garden today as a comparison. It should not, cannot be me who does all the consoling and reassuring. Rich fucked it up! Rich has to fix it, not me!

So I told him that was his last chance to have the courage of his convictions and face his fears. I walked away from him, and he came after me. He had my wedding ring on his little finger, and asked me to put it back on.

But I have said it all now; got all of my demons out. Rich has been honest, must still deal with his guilt, and I will help him, if he wants me to. But ultimately it is his problem.

This is a new beginning, a new relationship. I need to let go of what happened because it was in the past and I don’t want it to affect my life anymore.

I always pride myself on being able to get a grip, and I need to now. I need to stand up to the line, have the courage of my convictions and look at what I have now.

I need to practice what I preach.


Reflections 2018

I don’t know if you have ever heard of ‘the monkey on your back’: This is where other people give you their problems which then, in their minds become your problem and not theirs; it is a good analogy in fact I still use that analogy in my life now. I know now that in psychology terms this is actually recognised as ‘transference’ when someone else’s problem suddenly becomes your problem and not theirs. Does anybody recognise this? You try to give someone a solution to a problem they have told you about and they keep putting obstacles in the way?

This entry marks a major turning point  in our recovery: I was right I had to think about me, and ensure that I was alright first, and part of that was giving Rich his monkey back – making him own what he had done, and making him accept that it was his responsibility that we were where we were.

In this journal entry I have started to see how much effort I was putting in: facing up to everything, trying to put solutions into place, whilst Rich just cowered in the corner frightened of what he had done.

There I was carrying the responsibility, working to try and heal us, not saying how bereft and distraught I felt; not challenging the lies he was telling me just so we could survive. So I was right: Rich did have to take responsibility for what he had done, and face his fears, one of which was that he did not like himself, because he had let himself down.

By this time I’d had enough driving myself insane and I had started to feel as if I was clinging onto something that was only making me miserable. I had got to the place where I had nothing to lose; so I gave Rich his monkey back and told him to own it by telling him how I felt, what I needed, challenged his lies, and refused to cower to his defensiveness and anger by giving him my ring back and walking away. I took a chance because I could not stay with it the way it was.

Rich and I got to where we are eleven years later by learning from our mistakes and owning them.

At the time I wrote this entry I had still not fully realised that pride was my deadly sin; and that pride was the thing that was making me keep asking Rich about what had happened; I had to know, I must know! I could not bear the thought that he was still lying to me because I had believed his lies before; and this made me feel as if  I was the one who had let myself down because I had turned a blind eye to the things that were screaming at me that something was wrong; and now to think that Rich was still lying to me directly impacted on my pride.

So I kept asking about the episode in Grays that he told me about when we met in the car park before he came back (The Surrender Part 2….. ) because in my mind this is when it had all started; when they had started to play me for the fool. As I have said things were not adding up, I had heard three different versions already and as we all know when that happens it just makes you ask more and more. You will see later in my story that was still not the truth, and I still don’t know the truth now! The only difference is that I know that I never will so I have made up my own mind about the truth (as always it is a recurring theme in this book) and  I’ve moved on.

This entry does show that after this discussion Rich did face up to his fears, of course or I wouldn’t be writing this now! He started that night by coming after me with my ring on his finger and asking me to put it back on. That told me that Rich had listened to what I had said.

I faced up to my fears: Which was namely that Rich may leave again, and I challenged him in the future whenever I thought he was lying to me and whenever he got defensive. I overcame the fear that he may leave because I realised that that worst had happened he already had once and that I had survived once I could do it again! I had started to find myself again so I started to practice what I preached, I stepped up to the plate and looked after me first.

To understand how we now live happily together in France keep reading there are more stories to come, and more entries to share.

If you think this blog will help someone who is currently going through the madness of infidelity then please share; that is why I am sharing our story.


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I don’t think I can do this…n

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Many things happened over the next few days, including: Rich having to go to hospital, the Police calling our house to make sure that I had not hurt him! – All stories that are in my book, all things that I am sure a lot of people will recognise, including realising that a lot of people you thought you knew you never knew at all!

Neither Rich or I had returned to work after Rich had come home,  we were both just shell shocked at where we were and neither of us could think straight, let alone work.

Despite changing Rich’s mobile phone ‘She’ then made contact with us by bombarding our home with phone calls morning, noon and night. We knew when it was ‘Her’ because if I answered there would be silence and then the phone would go dead, Rich was too frightened to answer the phone, he just seemed terrified of ‘her’. So Tom and his friends started to answer the phone and if ‘she’ asked to speak to Rich Tom would hurl abuse at her; because he had been hurt as much as I had and I knew he one of the biggist things that was hurting him was that he had watced me be almost destroyed.

The mess we weave in situations such as this; with so many people that are affected; and none of us realise just how much.

After two days of constant bombardment, culminating in a phone call from her teenage child asking to speak to Rich, we knew that we had to change our home number to an ex-directory number. Just another thing in our lives that we were going to have to change because of what Rich had done!

Because of the constant intrusion from the phone calls and the police, who had also called at our house at the insistence of Rich’s family;  Jess and Matt suggested we get out of the house and away from all the turmoil and drama.

So we found ourselves in a small village just off the coast, a village we had never visited before ‘The War’. It was something new, something that had not been contaminated by the past. The village had a windmill, and we found ourselves in the coffee shop sitting opposite each other in silence. I thought to myself that we must have looked like a couple who had just met and were not comfortable with each other, or a couple on the verge of splitting up; you could tell from the glances we were getting from the staff that they knew that there was something very wrong with us. They were right, we didn’t know each other at all, there was that distance between us, and I felt as if we were strangers.

Rich was different, more confident in how attractive he was; after all why wouldn’t he be he’d had two people who wanted him, and one was making it much clearer than the other that ‘She’ wanted him around.

I was not sure that I even liked this Rich that was with me; I wanted the gentle and loving man who I had married, not the arrogant fucking twat that was standing with me now!

We ended up a pub called the Crown Inn. It was a beautiful thirteenth century inn with wood pannelling and oak beams; it was so pretty and it should have been somewhere where we could enjoy the ambience and relax. Instead we sat at the bar, and  I watched Rich holding court with the barmaids, appearing to be full of himself. I did not recognise this man anymore, I toyed with going out to my car and driving off without him; instead I went to the toilet to get away from this swaggering arsehole that I was with. I had no idea where my husband had gone, but I was pretty sure that this man with me now was not a man I liked.

The toilets had a bank of mirrors across one wall and  I will always remember coming out of the cubicle and catching sight a woman in the mirrors; she looked like me, but was a much thinner version, and she had clearly been crying a lot recently. My eyes brimmed with tears as I looked at her, I was full of sadness for her, that she had come to this, and she seemed to be looking at me as if to say “Are you going to stay with that idiot outside?”

I remember so clearly looking at her and saying   “I don’t think I can do this.” She looked back at me, with tears in her eyes and said “But you have to try to know if you will be doing the right thing if  you leave. You have to give it time.”

I still don’t know to this day how I found the strength to overcome my pride and go back into that bar. It is as if people can pick up when someone is wounded emotionally, in the same way that animals can pick up when an animal is wounded physically, they smell that the person is easy prey.

The barmaids knew that I was desperately holding onto something and by Rich’s behaviour it looked as if he didn’t give a shit about me either way, so the barmaids played up to it. But I knew one day the tables would turn, because Rich did not seem to realise that they were turning every second, and they were turning in my favour.

Don’t feel pity for me, as you read this book you will become to understand why that person I was at that time did not need your pity, because she was stronger than even I knew at the time.

When we got home we took a selfie of us both together, Rich was grey, he looked ill in it. I looked sad, thinner, and younger than him!! Even then I can remember looking at it and thinking ‘this is killing him.’

As usual we turned to music and alcohol ,the two things that would pull us together over time.

Addendum: A little note from eleven years on…

I have writen and edited these passages so often, I do still feel the emotion at times of what I felt during this time; but it as if it is the emotion of someone else, another strong woman who got me to where we are today. 

Always have yourself – if you don’t have yourself you have nothing- remember that as my story goes on. 

This one bought a tear to my eye….

I have had comments from people already to say that this blog is helping them – and I haven’t even got to my journal yet! So please if you think this will help others please share.

Thanks for staying with me.

Whoa it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it’s not enough to make it all okay
You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real
Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before
Broken Strings.James Morrison and Nelly Furtado.

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