April 2007 –
It was Easter Monday and an unusually hot day for the time of year so we decided to have a BBQ and invite’ Some friends over: our good friends Susan and Malcolm, and ‘her’ and ‘her’ partner.
As usual lots of drink was consumed, music was playing, and people were dancing. ‘Her’ partner waited until I was sitting alone in the snug when he came up to me.
“You know that they have been texting each other don’t you? “He said. Just like that, like a bolt out of the blue; “That there is something going on behind our backs.”
I felt my heart do a flip, it couldn’t be true I wouldn’t let it be. I looked at him, “That’s not true” I said, “Danny loves me too much to put our relationship at risk.” And then he told me: how they had been messaging each other for some time, that Danny knew that he knew and had been threatening to tell me; how they had all known and that ‘She’ and Rich had been making a fool of me.
Through the open doorway I could see Danny looking at us, oblivious to what was going on around him. Although everyone dancing and singing his sole focus was on me and what I was being told. The look on his face was ‘That’s it! I’ve lost her! She knows!’ It was a look of pure pain, and I knew from that look that what I was being told was true. I couldn’t believe it, I wanted Danny to come in and tell me I was being told lies; but I knew that even if he had I would not believe him. I knew, at that moment, that I had denied what was happening, I had lied to myself, I felt like a stupid bitch for fooling myself.
After that all hell broke loose; I was so drunk and pushed into the kitchen and screamed at Danny, screamed at ‘Her’ and told ‘Her’ partner to get out.
I stumbled up to the balcony, the beautiful balcony that had made me fall in love with our house, our forever home. I could not believe that my life was crumbling around me; it felt as if everything was in slow motion, as if I was wading through treacle, everything was swirling around me and I prayed to God that this was a dream, and that any moment now I would wake up.
I thought that Danny would come up to me, but ‘She’ came up instead to say that I had to understand that they were just ‘friends’, that they supported each other, that they had just been talking to each other and how I must accept that.
I told her to get off the balcony and leave me alone and that if ‘She’ didn’t I was going to push ‘Her’ off the fucking balcony; and I swear to God, I would have!
Downstairs the music had been turned off and there was a stunned silence. I could hear my friend, Susan ask Danny if it was true and I could hear Danny crying.
I couldn’t bear it, I could hear the blood rushing in my ears and I just felt as if I was in a dream, I had to get out of the house.So I ran down the stairs and out of the door, it was my dear friend Susan who ran after me, not Danny. I was sobbing uncontrollably. We walked to the end of the road with me babbling about how it could not be true.
As we were talking Danny came down the road with Malcolm, Susan’s husband; I could see that Danny was sobbing too and I knew from his reaction that this wasn’t a dream, it was true and my world was crashing down around me. I just screamed at him, said how I couldn’t believe he had done this: ruined everything we had, everything we had worked so hard for; and I ran back to the house. I thought that Danny would come after me, tell me that it would all be alright, and say how sorry he was.
But he didn’t come back…
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
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