Tag: broken hearts

Anger and Rage

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Despite it being over eleven years since ‘The War’ in our lives it has only been over the past  years, as I have been pulling my book together, that I have started to think about the role of anger and rage in the lives of those who have been betrayed. 

When considering the person who has been betrayed it is perfectly understandable that they feel rage and anger with regard to what has happened to them. It is also understandable that due to this their actions may be erratic, out of character (perhaps because their world has been turned upside down!) and at times downright mad. I threw Rich’s underpants out in the road when he was not with me, and I never did pick them up! I threw his stuff on our neighbours drive and at the time I didn’t give a shit who stole it. I punched Rich and gave him  black eyes! That would be because I had been driven mad with grief, pain and fear. No I was not acting in my normal rational way, but that may have been because at that time I did not know what normal was anymore. 

For the people who read this blog who are the people that betrayed, those who have caused the heartache and pain, you may want to read it if you want to use it to help your relationship and rebuild.

I need to warn you all  now, in some places I am going to be  blunt! 

My reasons for this particular post are these:

  1. To help those who have been betrayed to understand that what you feel is normal, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I have read other’s stories and in it they say how the person who broke their heart has used their understandably (un)reasonable behaviour as a weapon against them; have said how they have changed, swear more, drink more, over react to small things. This is normal; if you read our story you will see my rage and anger in it from day one, when Rich left. The Rage did subside to anger over time but it still  lasted for at least another two years after our ‘War’ began. In the beginning the rage and anger did get me through what were some of the darkest times of my life; but over time I had to let them go otherwise I knew that  they would eat me up and destroy not just us but me as well. You may want to read:  Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy

2. To help those who have betrayed understand what the other person feels -we all feel it, and if you want your relationship to survive you need to understand that you caused it; so don’t bitch about it, and own it!

When Rich came back he never once criticised me for my anger or rage, he just looked and acted ashamed and sorry; heartbroken that he had turned me into such a raging banshee at times! He never judged me, he took it because he had caused it; no matter what it was that I did (and there were many things).  If you are judging someone whose heart you have broken for the way they behave as a result of your actions, then I am not sure what you will expect from the future. We all have to accept our responsibilities. 

3.That leads me on to the last reason for this post. I have come to realise that a lot of the rage and anger that I felt was actually about myself. I was  so angry with myself for not listening to my gut feelings in the months, or even years (who knows!) leading up to the outbreak of ‘The War’. I was angry with myself for losing myself in our relationship; losing the person that I had always been because I just focused on what we had and nothing else; I was angry with myself for letting myself go; angry with myself for not challenging the behaviours I had been faced with; and more than anything I was angry with myself for being so arrogant: believing that  what we had nobody could take away from me; so I didn’t always treat our relationship with respect or take the time to understand Rich’s insecurities throughout our relationship that lead up to ‘The War’. 

I know for some people this will cause outrage, especially if they are at the start of their journey. It was only as I researched and wrote my book, and read my old journal that I understood that a lot of the anger that I used to feel was actually directed at me. Sure I had deflected it onto Rich, let’s not forget that everything is their fault right?! But in reality the one person who had really let me down was me. 

That is why I always say to people when they ask me how they can survive the pain: Always have yourself first, without yourself you have nothing. I did that, and I still have myself first;  but over time as the pain subsided my journal gave me the abiility to reflect; through this I was able to  see not only the other person’s failings and frailties but my own as well. 

I know some people think it is a cliche: but this is a journey you are on; like it or not, you are adrift on that ocean of despair and at the beginning only you will get yourself across it. So use that rage and anger, accept it’s part of the process, but don’t hang on to it forever and at some point I would suggest that you have a conversation with yourself about who you’re really angry with. 

Controversial I know!

Moisy 

 

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The new beginning – Finding me again

 

Tuesday 31st July 2007

It’s not easy but I think I can do it – in getting the unwanted pictures out of my head.

I am now lying on the downs at Tankerton. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing everything out of my mind.

I have had a difficult day today. Not in having those things on my mind, but the sadness.

There are two issues:

  1. Getting the thoughts in my head under control.
  2. The sadness for what I have lost. The grief for the bereavement, for the waste of that love that I had, that I had never had for anyone else.

Time will heal that, I know it. How and what form that healing will take I don’t know.

But as I am writing this, and although I have cried with sadness today (a short cry, letting it all out like Sherri said. It is true it doesn’t last long anymore; no more heaving sobs – not if I don’t give way to it. There’s just grief.) I also know that despite what I have lost I would not want to go back to it:

  • A big fat lump that had really let myself go.
  • Someone who I am starting to see now was very frustrated, angry almost inside. Because what did she have? Everything centred on Rich; and although I was jolted out of that (kicking and screaming at the time.) I never want to be that person again. I don’t like her.
  • A couple who became so insular, so immersed in just themselves. You see Rich would want to go back that (because of his own insecurities, because of his own fear.) I don’t.

Rich has changed since he has been with me – Beth was right, I dragged him up with me. Although he is quite capable himself he does not believe that without me by his side.

In fact, perhaps sub-consciously he always knew I would come to my senses and that is why he thought he could not keep me.

So why am I with him now? I do find that thought popping into my head. Because I know how much he loves me; and when someone loves you that much and you do love them, then why walk away? There is something to work on.

The life we have created together keeps me here as well. I enjoy his company, and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he also gets on my tits.

I had to get on my bike today and come here on my own. Regain my independence and do things on my own. I do notice that when I am with Rich we do both slot into that ‘doing everything together’ mode. I did, however, only realise today how many arrangements I make to do things with other people. This has been a totally sub-conscious thing.

At the moment part of me still wants Rich to ring me, text me, reassure me. But the more I do things on my own the less that will get; and I need to do that. Rich will totally freak, just look hurt and say “Whatever you want.” But not really mean it. That is no-longer my problem.

I am enjoying myself, being myself, confident, self-sufficient, and not constantly thinking of someone else.

I am going to go to the pub on my own and have a glass of wine before I go home; and I haven’t brought my mobile with me; this is me time.

This has really helped.

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

I remember this day clearly. It was a beautiful sunny day, not hot, the wind had a slight chill in it, but there were bright blue skies with small puffs of cloud moving along quickly in the wind; and the sun was warm.

Tankerton is a pretty place with rolling downs that lead down to the beach and sea, dotted with beach huts on stilts. On this day there were lots of people there and I can remember watching them all and thinking how happy they all were, and here was I with my world in pieces, never knowing if I would really be happy again.

But I have learnt over the years that you see what you want to see, and I believed at that time that everyone was happier than me. Obviously that was not true, but when you are in a place where nothing seems to make sense you believe that everyone else has their shit together. Trust me they don’t; it’s the good old demon in your head spinning you a line!

This was such an important entry for me, because as I said in my previous journal entry I believed that we needed to start again, a new beginning and to do that I had to find me; I was right, I had to find myself again.

I had become ‘lost’ in Rich before ‘the War’, everything revolved around him; I worked part time so that I could support him in his career, whilst I renovated and managed the house and finances. I had lived my life for Rich and I knew that I could no longer do that; Rich could be part of my life but he could no longer be the centre of it – I had to be that.

So the start of that was to go somewhere on my own, and the choice is pertinent because I chose to go to the one place where Rich used to meet up with ‘her’ on his way to work. I chose this place because I knew that I had to face my fears to be able to move forward into my new life and to not let my fears and memories beat me anymore!

For me there are three main things in this entry that resonate with me today:

  • That I recognised that I did not want to be the person that I was before, in fact did not even like the person that I was before. When I read this entry it did stop me in my tracks, because I had recognised that even then.

Today Rich and I have looked back at the people that we were before ‘The War’ and we do not like them. How much we drank, the places that we drank, even today we have been talking about how we accepted people’s bad behaviours without question. We both agree that we really were a pair of arseholes.

  • The fact that I have said that I was an angry and frustrated person; because I can see now that I was. The Moira who wrote this entry was absolutely right I had been angry and frustrated; I had not been using my skills to their full potential and because of that I had would get angry and lose my temper at things; or make small things more important than they really were.

After ‘The War’ when I had begun to find myself again someone had said to me that I had ‘dumbed down’ and I knew that they were right: I did not want promotion at work, did not want to work full time, did not want to use my brain because that was the easy way out, and ‘The War’ made me see sense, as I have said in this entry; albeit ‘kicking and screaming at the time.’

I believe today that everything does happen for a reason, and that at times messages are sent to us and when we don’t listen then a lesson is sent to us; and more often than not that lesson is a hard one.  Even today I believe that my sister was right, I was being sent a message, a kick up the arse if you like, to find myself again.

  • The third and most important thing from this entry is that I can see that I wanted to stay with Rich because he made me laugh, because I enjoyed his company, that we get on well together, and that these were the things that made me love him. Real things, not romantic things; sometimes we forget that relationships are many things not just love and sex.

But I also love that fact that I can also see that he “gets on my tits.” Looking back now I probably get on his “tits” as well! That’s life!

I did go to the pub; I sat in the garden on my own and showed myself that I did not need to fear being on my own. That I needed to embrace being my own person, an individual who did not start and end with Rich; and this was the start of doing this. So I had two glasses of wine whilst I read my book.

Moira had started to find herself again and it was crucial to our survival.

Moisy

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She’s Always a Woman     Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her, as long it’s free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me

Ohhh…she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time
Ohhh…and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind…..

Journal entry: A new beginning

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29th July 2007 

The Future

 

After what I have written on the previous page, I feel that I need to close that chapter. Start a new chapter, for a new beginning.

 

“The future – a New Beginning!

 

Reflections 2018

After my journal entry on the 29th of July 2007  I went back later in the day and decided to mark ‘the end’ of talking about what had happened. I hoped that i would be able to concentrate on the future. So on a new page I wrote the above. Marked it as a new section of my journal.

It was another coping mechanism! I thought that if I did it then it would happen! I was wrong! Three months is no time at all when you are dealing with grief, and you will see from future entries that I still struggled for a long time because I still had so much that I had to accept.

At the three month stage I had accepted that what we had was dead and gone and was not coming back. What I hadn’t realised was that although I knew and understood that I still needed to grieve for it; and I hadn’t realised that there was still going to be so much more to accept. But what I had realised was we were going to have to make something new and so I symbolically made a new section in my journal to show a commitment to it.

As William Blake said “Hindsight is a wonderful thing but foresight is better, especially when it comes to saving life, or some pain!”. So although i can look back and know that I still had a lot of pain to go through at the time my brain did what it had to because it gave me hope to save me some pain!

I lived in hope, and at this stage that is one of the main things that you need to hold onto if you want to survive. Hope.

Moisy

 

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I don’t think I can do this

Journal entry – I was dreading Christmas

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Friday 21st December 2007

I am writing to update my journal, but this time not because I feel the need, I just want to update it. I went to Beth’s on the Friday after my last entry and cried, I said that I thought I need to go back to the counsellor. Beth and her friend Louise gave this advice for both me and Rich:

  • Stop trying to get back what you had. You will never get that back, and if that is what you want you need to find someone else, because you will never get it back with Rich. Instead of trying to recover something make something new, and better.

 

  • Stop thinking that whenever you are fed up it is always because of what happened. It may just be because you’re tired, got the arsehole with work, whatever! But because what happened is always foremost in your mind you always take your feelings back to that. In the same way as Rich always assumes you’re going to leave him. STOP doing it!

 

  • Forget things that were said when you both got back together – as you were both mental!! You both said things you did not mean. Rich said things just because he did not know the answer himself. (Rich and I talked about this and why I started this journal. He is mortified by what he said about being flattered that two women were fighting over him, and does not find it an ego boost in any way now.) My Journal – First Entry

 

  • Rich has to understand that my barriers are up –and may well be up for a couple of years. But whilst I have my barriers up I should still be me – which I had not been when I was writing in my journal in the last three to four entries. I had created distance between us as well, was not being tactile, not being me. By doing this (to punish Rich in a way.) I was making myself miserable.

I took all of this advice on board and my head is sorted. I had a blip of four days, but no-where near as bad as before, and I could control it.

We have been to France again and had the most fantastic time.

Rich breaks up from work today for Christmas and we have eleven days off together. I am so looking forward to it.

We are having a shindig for Tom’s eighteenth birthday tomorrow and Rich is so excited to be part of it.

I think that says it all!

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

The first thing I thought when I read this entry was that I had completely forgotten this conversation which surprised me, because it was a very important one and helped me massively in dealing with things in the future; they were both so right!

Rich was the one that had to let go of what we had, as you know from what I have written in this book I had come to realise that a long time ago. But for me the most important piece of advice they gave me was to stop thinking that everything revolved around what had happened to us! Whenever I had a problem in life I would immediately link it to what had happened, what Rich had done to me, and therfore everything had to be his fault. Quite simply it wasn’t!

I could have felt pissed off because I had a bad day at work, or because someone had upset me, or something had gone wrong as things do in life.  But when anything happened I would get in the car and the ‘demon’ (oh yes! He was still there it would take a long while before he no longer existed. I sold him with my car!!)  would get into my head and turn  my upset around and tell me it was all because of what Rich had done to me. It was all about ‘The War’!

This was a massive thing for me because as soon as I understood what I was doing I was able to tell that fucking demon to shut up! But I also started to realise that ‘The War’ did not define me, it was not the total of my life, and I had to stop letting it be that. Although it influenced my life greatly and made me the person that I am today it is a contibuting factor in the person that I am today, but only one of many.

For Rich: He would think that anything that went wrong was his fault, because of what he did, he would take sole responsibility for every little thing, from the boiler going wrong to someone upsetting me at work. Sometimes he still does that even now, and I just stop and say to him “What are you saying sorry for?” He normally laughs then and says he doesnt’ know.

Oh, the damage that we do to each other and ourselves.

The advice about forgetting what was said when we first got back together was also good advice because  we were mental and not thinking in any way rationally. I know that most people struggle with this, because we crave to be ‘normal’ again, to think straight again, when in actual fact our lives have been turned upside down, and shook about so why do we expect that of ourselves?

I love the quote: ‘‘I thought I was going mad but the unicorn in the kitchen told me I was okay!’ (I think that came from Walking the Journey’s blog you should check it out; if not it would have been the lovely Dolly Allen @’The Queen is in’)

Rich did say things to me that weren’t true, things that contradicted themselves because he just wanted to say whatever I wanted to hear to make me feel better; to not hurt me anymore. After that  he moved on to saying things to try and explain it to himself,  because he was at a loss as to why he had done it; then he progressed to berating himself for what he had done, what he had said and totally lost himself; and as you will see from my book this eventually had  massive impact on his mental health.

A good example of our madness is that when I started this journal it was because Rich had said that he found it a compliment that two women were fighting over him. By the time I had come to write this entry in my journal  he was mortified that he not only said it but that he thought it at the time. He still feels that way today.

With regard to my barriers,  they did stay up for quite a few more years to come; but I can tell you honestly now, I have no barriers where Rich is concerned and have not had any for over eight years (yes I can remember when they came down – keep reading.) So they can come down eventually it just takes a ton of hard work, reflection and listening. At this stage in our story I love the way ‘this Moira’ holds onto the hope that her head is sorted because I know that she still has a long way to go before she gets to that point.

As I said before in my previous post Coping mechanism – make new memories Tom’s birthday was on Christmas Eve so we held a surprise eighteenth birthday party the weekend before and it was a great success. I look at the photos now and see how thrilled Rich was that he was there involved in the celebrations.

On Christmas Eve we all went out, including Darren and took Tom to the pub, an English tradition. I remember how Rich was so chuffed that he was there to be able to give Tom some money and send him to the bar so that he could order his first drink legally. We left the boys in town after that and made our way home to prepare the meal for Christmas day. It was something so normal, and I kept my head under control because I felt a responsibility to the other people around me to make sure that this festivity was not marked with tears.

I can remember that Christmas was wonderful; we had gone overboard to make it special, with a Christmas tree on the balcony as well as in the house. After dinner we all opened a present and my present from Rich was the most beautiful watch, but the most beautiful thing for me were the tears in Rich’s eyes when I opened it. I knew he was so sorry and that in itself meant more than the gift.

It was important to us that we could make it special for many reasons but not least because at one point in the year we had both thought that we would never celebrate Christmas together in our beautiful house again.

Like I said it is the small things that are important.

Things like this  are all steps that you take to make things something new, a ‘new normal’ It is important to note though that they are contributory steps, every step contributes to the future that you will have; but I do know that if Rich had not been working with me, and taking those steps with me, then I would have been taking them on my own.

Moisy

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Journal Entry: Small steps and small things got us here today

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I left this back from the last journal entry because I think that it is an important piece of advice that I can give you – and the Moisy from then can give you:

Monday 9th July 2007 

Positives for the future:

  1. Rich said thank you.
  2. Rich hates ‘Her,’ regrets it so much.
  3. Rich would do anything to keep me.
  4. Rich is so sorry for what he has done.
  5. Wants us to work so badly.
  6. Rich is so happy when I am happy (what more could anyone want?!)
  7. Rich maintains (big time) his erection with me.
  8. Loves me so much.
  9. I love Rich so much.
  10. Would give everything up for me.
  11. I am the most important thing in Rich’s life.
  12. I have found myself. I understand my head for the first time ever.
  13. I have lost weight and got fit.
  14. Realise how many people I have who care about me/us.
  15. We work well together as a team. Isn’t that what life is really about? Isn’t love just part of the equation?
  16. Rich would never do it again.
  17. Back, very closely now, with Beth. Better than we ever were.
  18. Have a better relationship with Tom.
  19. Rich treasures everything about us, every good moment that we have.
  20. Rich never wants to lose me.

I will use this list at times. But I am hoping that any future entries will mostly be positive (apart from the hormones!)

Reflections 2018

This list of positives show how I clung to anything to keep me in the relationship. I realised over time, and especially when I read my journal again years later, how many times i did this; and how many times Rich did it as well. I could see as I read my journal  how crucial all the small things were to get us to where we are today.

I have often said to other people hold on to really small things, don’t dismiss them, because they go on to make the big things, like little pieces of a jigsaw until in the end you can see the whole picture. It is easy when you are hurt to dismiss them, I know I did at times , but it is clear that my sub conscious mind made a little note of them because it is my sub conscious mind that I am sharing in my journal.

So my suggestion would be to write them down, so that when the demon tells you that you are right to tell them to ‘fuck off’ have a look at your list and remind yourself of the small things. (I especially love number 7!!) No seriously I love them all.

When I sit here now and I read what I hoped for:  That future entries would hopefully be positive it makes me smile, because I know that we were still at the very beginning of our journey to where we are now, and as you will see the highs and the lows just kept coming, as the next few entries will show……..

Moisy

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Journal entry – When someone you love has had sex with someone else, it’s unbearable

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Friday 6th July 2007 

I have just cried. I know I am hormonal, so that is a contributing factor but sometimes I still feel like crying. The biggest thing for me  is that in my head there lies the the fact that Rich had sex with ‘Her’.

I think that at the beginning of this journal I said that wasn’t the main thing for me. That it was for Rich but not for me. I did mean it at the time, and perhaps it was because I had so many other things in my head to deal with.

Now I don’t have as many things in my head, which is a good thing; but it has also opened the way for me to deal with what was actually the worst thing of all. And perhaps at the beginning it was just too big for me to deal with so I put it to the back of my mind.

Now it is here and I know, as is my nature that I have to confront it to deal with it. But how do I do that? I am hoping that by writing this in my journal it will help me.

I know that Rich says that he thought he had lost me, and that he was only going through the motions. That he had to shut his eyes and think of me. But although I really want to believe him I can’t.

I know Rich well enough and if he had something on his mind he would not be able to get an erection. – It happened often enough with us. He had sex with ‘Her’ on the night he text me about collecting his things, the night before he came back (supposedly because he thought he had totally lost me, that I had changed my number, because I had not text back.) How did he do that?

Rich says that if I had not text back he would have come to work and waited by my car; when? In a day? A week?  A month? I don’t believe he ever would have.

I am crying now, but I know that I have to write these thoughts down to make some sense in my head. (That’s the control freak in me!)

I know that Rich had a fumbling session with ‘Her’ (crap!) when were together. But if he loved me (loves me, sorry shouldn’t use past tense.) how could he have sex with ‘Her’ after he left? (Which was supposedly something he regretted from the minute he shut the front door.) I want to believe so much, but can’t. I am not that type of person (sometimes I wished I was) and that undermines us.

We went to the counsellor and she said that we had an “inner couple” that not everybody has. That to the trained eye you could see the couples who were likely to surive and those that were not.

I know that Rich loves me, I know that he is so happy we are back together, I know he got caught up in something, I know his weaknesses and guilt made him run away. But how come his grief at our break up, his guilt and his love for me did not prevent him from being able to have sex with ‘Her? ‘

Something does not tie up. I don’t feel that I can talk to Rich about this; but I fear that if I don’t it will destroy us. He thinks we are moving forward, and we are in a lot of things, but for me, right now, I feel this will always hold me back and eventually destroy us.

I have found this really hard. I am hoping I can find some resolution. That I will look back in a couple of months and be able to see it has got better.

We have had lots of good points this week. But I can’t write about them right now because this overshadows them.

5.15pm

I can’t read what I have written because I have been upset all day. Spoke to Nel for an hour after writing it. Agreed that my hormones have a lot to do with how I feel, but I also know,  that this is the final and hardest hurdle.

I am going to provide a makeup party for Helen’s daughter’s birthday, and I am looking forward to it. I promised Helen I would be okay, and funny, like me, how I normally am!

Rich has picked up that something is wrong; but I will stick to my plan that I drew up with Nel – wait until the hormones are gone and keep writing in here. Then see how I feel.

Helen said that Rich says those things to make things better, because he is so desperate not to lose me. But I think that it is more to make Rich feel better because he does not want to lose me, and hates what he has done.

I suppose that in some way that should make me feel better. That is how little he thinks of ‘Her,’ or what they did. In some ways it does.

I know that it may not be all that I am making it out to be in my head. But unless Rich talks to me about it I will never know. What if it was what I think in my head? How would I deal with that? And even if Rich told me it wasn’t would I believe him?

Right now I don’t want to kiss Rich, let alone do anything else. 

This is going to be my hardest test. Because right now I feel that I need space from Rich; and for us to survive I have to overcome that. I have told him to have a sleep for half an hour.

How ironic that bloke from the pub called me today and left a message. I am not interested. But perhaps it now gives Rich a dose of the situation he has put himself in.

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

This is the big one! When you start to try and repair what you have you have and you have to confront the most heart breaking thing of all, because that was how I felt at that time.

This entry shows this, I could not even go back and read it at the time, couldn’t write about the good things, because this one thing took over my brain like an alien. It burst out of the box that I had been trying to keep it in (those boxes don’t work  folks this is way too big!) like an explosion, like an evil clown and I can remember how everytime the thought came in my head I felt as if I was going to throw up; I could feel a physical pain in my heart, as if some sadistic bastard was squeezing it!

Thinking of Rich and’Her’ in ‘the act’, imagining all sorts of things, mainly how wonderful and romantic it must have been; I could picture Rich holding her, on top of her, caressing her, all the things that he should have only been doing with me. The Demon had a field day telling me how they must have laughed about me, compared me, and it literally made me feel sick. My husband was being intimate with someone else, when it should have only ever been something between him and I.

I thought back to all those times that Rich and I had been together whilst he had been seeing ‘her’ behind my back, all those times he must have been running through his head things that he had done with ‘her’. Even though Rich denied that he had ever had full sex with her before he left, I did not believe him, and I still don’t!

What I had written was right  I had to confront it, even though I was terrified of whether  I would be able to move forward in my life with Rich when I had heard the details, I thought I would not be able to live my life at all without hearing them.

Months before, when Rich and I had gone to France for a weekend,  we had argued and I had screamed at him how  the sex we had was just a ‘shag’ – meaningless sex that I could have with anyone. That is what it had done to me, I did not make love with Rich I shagged him!! I know now that it was as we built something new that we would then be able to make love, nothing that we had before counted, and it still doesn’t!

I don’t want to trivialise the awfulness of knowing that the person that you love, or loved, has had sex with someone else; because as I have said in this entry I was so afraid of it. Looking back, with the benefit of years of recovery behind me, and knowing what  we went through, I can tell you these things:

As I said to Rich that a ‘shag was just a shag’ that works both ways. That was how he was able to get an erectionwith ‘her’ because in his head at that time he had to keep the life he was trying to build with ‘her’ because he had fucked up the life he had built with me and had nowhere else to go! -That is why he was able to perform the night before he came back to me! I know that now, I get that, because that is exactly what I did to Rich when we first got back together.

More often than not the person who has committed the adultery is more afraid of this conversation than you are; often because when you ask them why, which you will, over and over again, they cannot tell you, because they do not know. Even now. years later,  if you asked Rich why, he would tell you that he does not know! We know the circumstances that led up to it, we know the where’s and whys;  but for Rich then when he was faced with what he was likely to lose he wondered himself why the fuck he had done it, and said he didn’t know why. Today he will still say it because the enormity of what he could have lost hits him; and I know that he asks himself that question over and over again; I don’t!

When you ask them how often (fuck me do I remember that one!) Where? What position? Did they use a condom (of course they’re going to say yes!). They won’t want to tell you that they fucked like rabbits, because that would hurt you even more. They will tell you that they couldn’t get it up, or it was just a fumble, some of which might or might not be true but you’re never going to believe them. The heart will want to but the demon won’t let you believe them.

They will not want to tell you that they enjoyed it, because they do not want to hurt you anymore than they have already!  And, as in Rich’s case, they do not want to lose you.  Which is ironic because in the early stages they have lost you, they are now trying to win you back (or should be!)

Now coming from the point of view of the person who has been hurt, I needed to know, had to know. But looking back how do I know if what Rich was telling me was the truth? How will I ever know? ‘She’ could crawl back out of the woodwork and say the ‘truth’ and how would I know if that were the truth either? We are back to the Unicorn of Truth! It only exists if you believe it!

You will see from further journal entries in my book that I asked about this over and over, grilled Rich, did everything but shine a light in his eyes; he gave me answers, but I grilled him to such a degree that in the end he was giving me different answers, anything that he thought that I wanted to hear, and of course then I picked him up in the conflicting things he had said and threw things back at him.

Have you been there yet?

I was, quite literally driving myself nuts, as you would see from the next few entries from my journal.

It took me months to realise that I was beating a dead horse, it was never going to talk and I was never going to know the truth, and more importantly even if I did know the truth it was never going to give me any peace. I had to make my own peace.

Now years later I know that it doesn’t matter, and it never did. We were either going to try and make it work or not. Time has helped me understand that what we have here and now is what’s important and should not be compromised because of something that happened in the past.

But I understand that most people who are reading this will be people who are going through what we went through, and they may find this hard to read, you just have to trust me, it can get easier but only if you let it.

I suppose that what I am trying to say  is you will, at some point in the future, have to decide if you can live with this or not; and you will have to decide what is important to you. What you have now? Or what you have lost that can never be recovered? And after that decide how you want to live your life: With them, or without them? Because you could, quite literally, drive yourself insane.

I have put in this entry that when Rich said that they had a fumble together, that I thought that this particular confession was crap. I didn’t believe him, I didn’t think they had a ‘fumble’ I thought they had a ‘shag’ and I still do. I made my decision and I moved forward with that decision in my head.

I have asked some of the bloggers of today ‘ Will it help if you know they had sex doggy style, hanging from the ceiling, twenty times in a day, will this make you feel better? Will you know it’s the truth? I don’t know the answer only you can answer that, because reflection and honesty with yourself is one of the only things that will get you through this.

The only key one is did they use a condom because they at least owe you the chance to make sure that your health has not been compromised, maybe you should point that out to them – because whilst I didn’t catch anything Rich lied about using one!

I can tell you the only thing we know is trueL  Your partner had sex with someone else.

On the balance of probability it maybe wasn’t great sex because they felt guilty; they would have felt a frisson of excitement because it was something new, something ‘naughty’; it was something that made them feel special in a world where they felt vulnerable. But if they were honest when reality hit home after the rush of hormones, having sex with someone else just made them feel more vunerable – forever because what what they did will never go away!

So at some point in the future please remember this chapter and when you need to read it again; I have been blunt, but this time the unicorn of truth exists becuase I have been honest!

In the future only you can make your decisions and build your life on what you have decided to believe, because this time you’re the one in control of your life,  you know where you stand! Finally!

As I said personally I believed the worse, because nothing can bite me on the arse then!

Always in control!

Moisy

 

 

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Coping Mechanisms – The Bath of Despair

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Since I have started to share my book a lot of you have asked me what coping mechanisms I put into place to get me to where I am now, and I realised how important it was to share anything that I used to help others. So here is my first one:

Visualisation was key to my survival at this early stage, I had to put mechanisms into place to get my mind under control. At this point, four or five weeks into our reconciliation, it literally felt as if I was on an ocean, with huge waves coming along when I least expected them, pounding me and pushing me under the water and at times I felt as if  I was literally drowning in pain and heartache.

During these times I would breathe deeply close my eyes and visualise myself standing on a cliff top overlooking the sea with a handful of balloons; those balloons held my pain, some of them even held our relationship, and I would let them go, and I would watch them float away, and imagine them taking the pain with them, all the time whilst I breathing slowly and then I would get myself back under control.

But as the realisation of what had happened, where we were, and the fact that we would never be  the same again hit home I would just feel so down, so sad; as if there was nothing to believe in any more’ because really life was a piece of shit and everything I had now was contaminated and was not going to get any better.

When I felt like this I would visualise myself sitting in a huge roll top bath (we had a roll top bath at that time in our old house in England) and this bath would be full of blackness, it looked like tar; and i was sitting in it and it was sucking me under, and I could feel it sucking any joy I felt about anything out of me.

Like most things at that time I was not going to let it beat me; so I would picture myself holding on to the sides of that bath and pulling myself up. I would close my eyes and I could see the blackness clawing at me trying to pull me back and I fought against it, I pulled one leg up and stepped out of the bath and then the other leg until I was out of the bath. There was residue of the blackness on me but I knew that I would win, I would win.

And I did.

I thought that it was overcoming those powerful emotions that would keep Rich and I together. I was right at that time that I had to use something just to bring them under control but eventually I came to realise that my most powerful ally was acceptance.

Moisy

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