As I sit writing this, in the midst of the Covid 19 Pandemic, I am ‘trapped’ on one of the channel islands where I have been working. You can read all about my new adventure over on my other blog, all about our life now, but as it is Danny and I are living apart from each other, and will be until at least the end of April.
The irony is not lost on me that this will all coincide with the time of year that ‘The War’ took place. Up until now that time will have been the longest time that Danny and I were ever apart. After our reconciliation we knew that we never wanted to be apart from each other again, and have strived to keep it that way in the whole thirteen years that we have been back together, but now life and fate have intervened.
So, in a time of despair and fear I thought would offer some hope: Danny and I are strong enough to know that we can survive this, that we have nothing to fear in our isolation from each other, we have been through too much pain and crap to worry now about whether our bond us strong. Quite simply, it is!
Yesterday we chatted about this blog and Danny said that he had not even realised what time of year it was. And that is why I think it’s important to share our experience with all those out there whose lives are still upside down whether Covid 19 is in the mix or not: at a time when being apart at what used to be a significant time of year would have caused us too much pain, we now don’t even consider it in the equation.
Thirteen years ago our lives as we knew them were just about to explode, never to be the same again. Danny would be gone for twenty one days, he would set up home with another woman, he would tell me he didn’t love me, he would laugh at me with her.
I would sit on my kitchen floor and weep for all we had lost. Because ultimately I knew that what we had, had been good, I knew that to throw it all away was a terrible waste, and I knew that I was not the only one in pain, no matter what Danny said.
But I would also get stronger, I would come to understand that no matter how much I loved Danny I had to love myself first; and that is why I will always say to people asking for my help that they have to find themselves because without themselves they have nothing.
But I think the key here is that I knew that I was not the only one in pain, I understood that someone who was causing me so much pain was also in his own personal hell, (and at the time I was actually glad!)
I have so many people who contact me whose pain is drowning them. Trust me I get that, So often I found myself gasping for air (literally). But sometimes in the drowning, and the fight for survival after reconciliation, people often lose sight of the fact that there are two people in the relationship, and they fail to countenance that the betrayer is in any pain. Part of that is their pain, part of that is anger and part of that is bitterness. Sorry but it is, and when that creeps in you are in danger of not only failing in your reconciliation, but you are in danger of having your own life chewed up and spat out by nobody else but you.
Only you can control bitter feelings, only you can say ‘no’. I have written about bitterness, in the same way as I wasn’t going to let ‘her’ beat me, I wasn’t going to let bitterness beat me either. Because if I had ‘she’ would have won, and I was not going to let that happen.
But back to here and now. Here we are: miles apart from each other, with no knowledge of when we will be able to see each other again, I don’t go back and dwell on what was, I don’t think back to the last time we were apart from this time of year. But I do think about how far we have come, of how I wept all those years ago, but feel no despair now, of how we have truly moved on.
I hope, at this difficult time it helps people know that they can too.
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
When I wept all those years ago it was to this song. If you are struggling then listen to this song, weep, allow yourself to weep and despair. And when the tears are spent, like I did, get back up, wipe your tears away, and keep walking into the future, don’t be afraid, whatever the outcome you can do it.