Tag: finding yourself

Journal Entry – 3 months of recovery: Own It!

Image result for pictures for monkeys on your back

 

Sunday 29th July 2007

It’s over. I have to let it go.

I have to let go of what happened and look at what we can create new, better even. I do actually believe that.

I have come to a lot of conclusions this week, and all in all, since about Wednesday it has been a very difficult week.

I could not get out of my head what Rich had done; why Rich had done it; the deceit.

I know how much I have changed over the last three months…… so much.

When Rich first came back I had written in this journal that he wanted back what we had, and that he wanted the same. But now I know that we can never have that back; ever!

It has gone, died; Rich killed it by what he did.

I am different, stronger, me again. I know that I don’t need Rich for materialistic things, because I could sell up and buy a really nice flat on my own. – But, also that is why I stay. I love him, and ironically, despite what happened, I know that Rich loves me.

But I have also realised that I needed to talk to Rich about the ‘Why?’  Why did he do it? All of it? Tell him how it made and makes me feel. For the first time in my life take the monkey off my back and put it onto someone else’s – Rich’s, because he put it there in the first place.

So on Friday I did that; I told him that we can never have back what we had (I don’t actually want that back anymore. But Rich does because he is distraught at what he has lost.)

I know that really hurt him, but tough!! I never asked to be where I am, and I do feel, at times, that I have been pussy footing around Rich and working so hard to make him feel alright that I have forgotten about me.

Now the time has come to sort me out, no matter how hard Rich finds it.

It helped putting the monkey on his back, a lot!

It upset him but there you go I am upset! And there was a time, not so long ago, when no-body worried about me.

I made Rich talk to me about Grays and why he went to meet her there in the October; I asked why he started seeing ‘Her’ again in February; told him when I thought he was lying, asked him when he thought of me! I know it really upset him, and perhaps part of me was happy he was so upset.

Toni came up from Cornwall this weekend and we went to see Mary. I went out to show Mary Rich’s new car and we were talking. Rich’s face when we came back into the garden – he looked so worried, so alone. I don’t want him to look like that, so I went over and kissed him. But later I started to think about the answers he gave about Grays; and there have been three different versions so far! The one thing I need Rich to be now is honest, as he has lied to me too often and too long. And then that fact gets to me!

When he got home we ended up arguing over it. I ended up really upset about it all – it all came out, if you like. I told him how he wanted to run away from this part of our recovery, wanted to pretend and ignore it; but it is my head all the time, and I can’t ignore it, and he put it there!

Rich got defensive, the worst thing he can do. So I told him it was over, that I can’t do it. Rich needs to make amends for what he has done and not keep being afraid. I gave him back my wedding ring.

One of the things that gets to me is when I am upset Rich just stands there. I used what had happened in Mary’s garden today as a comparison. It should not, cannot be me who does all the consoling and reassuring. Rich fucked it up! Rich has to fix it, not me!

So I told him that was his last chance to have the courage of his convictions and face his fears. I walked away from him, and he came after me. He had my wedding ring on his little finger, and asked me to put it back on.

But I have said it all now; got all of my demons out. Rich has been honest, must still deal with his guilt, and I will help him, if he wants me to. But ultimately it is his problem.

This is a new beginning, a new relationship. I need to let go of what happened because it was in the past and I don’t want it to affect my life anymore.

I always pride myself on being able to get a grip, and I need to now. I need to stand up to the line, have the courage of my convictions and look at what I have now.

I need to practice what I preach.

Mois

Reflections 2018

I don’t know if you have ever heard of ‘the monkey on your back’: This is where other people give you their problems which then, in their minds become your problem and not theirs; it is a good analogy in fact I still use that analogy in my life now. I know now that in psychology terms this is actually recognised as ‘transference’ when someone else’s problem suddenly becomes your problem and not theirs. Does anybody recognise this? You try to give someone a solution to a problem they have told you about and they keep putting obstacles in the way?

This entry marks a major turning point  in our recovery: I was right I had to think about me, and ensure that I was alright first, and part of that was giving Rich his monkey back – making him own what he had done, and making him accept that it was his responsibility that we were where we were.

In this journal entry I have started to see how much effort I was putting in: facing up to everything, trying to put solutions into place, whilst Rich just cowered in the corner frightened of what he had done.

There I was carrying the responsibility, working to try and heal us, not saying how bereft and distraught I felt; not challenging the lies he was telling me just so we could survive. So I was right: Rich did have to take responsibility for what he had done, and face his fears, one of which was that he did not like himself, because he had let himself down.

By this time I’d had enough driving myself insane and I had started to feel as if I was clinging onto something that was only making me miserable. I had got to the place where I had nothing to lose; so I gave Rich his monkey back and told him to own it by telling him how I felt, what I needed, challenged his lies, and refused to cower to his defensiveness and anger by giving him my ring back and walking away. I took a chance because I could not stay with it the way it was.

Rich and I got to where we are eleven years later by learning from our mistakes and owning them.

At the time I wrote this entry I had still not fully realised that pride was my deadly sin; and that pride was the thing that was making me keep asking Rich about what had happened; I had to know, I must know! I could not bear the thought that he was still lying to me because I had believed his lies before; and this made me feel as if  I was the one who had let myself down because I had turned a blind eye to the things that were screaming at me that something was wrong; and now to think that Rich was still lying to me directly impacted on my pride.

So I kept asking about the episode in Grays that he told me about when we met in the car park before he came back (The Surrender Part 2….. ) because in my mind this is when it had all started; when they had started to play me for the fool. As I have said things were not adding up, I had heard three different versions already and as we all know when that happens it just makes you ask more and more. You will see later in my story that was still not the truth, and I still don’t know the truth now! The only difference is that I know that I never will so I have made up my own mind about the truth (as always it is a recurring theme in this book) and  I’ve moved on.

This entry does show that after this discussion Rich did face up to his fears, of course or I wouldn’t be writing this now! He started that night by coming after me with my ring on his finger and asking me to put it back on. That told me that Rich had listened to what I had said.

I faced up to my fears: Which was namely that Rich may leave again, and I challenged him in the future whenever I thought he was lying to me and whenever he got defensive. I overcame the fear that he may leave because I realised that that worst had happened he already had once and that I had survived once I could do it again! I had started to find myself again so I started to practice what I preached, I stepped up to the plate and looked after me first.

To understand how we now live happily together in France keep reading there are more stories to come, and more entries to share.

If you think this blog will help someone who is currently going through the madness of infidelity then please share; that is why I am sharing our story.

Moisy

Related image

Image result for images for owning it

Coping Mechanisms – My Saviour – Music

Image result for music for the soul images

Driving in the car was one of the hardest things for me; I remember dreading going to my car at night after work, because, as I had said to my sister, “The Demon is waiting for me every time.”

I Imagined it –  sat in the passenger seat, a little green ugly bastard, who was ready to say hello, and then torment me all the way home.

It was when I was alone that The Demon was at it’s strongest; and the car was a  little world where no-one else could intrude, so that was his main domain. The Demon would ask me questions, ‘Why are you having him back? Do you remember when he walked you back from their house and told you were being stupid? And you believed him, even though you knew! You were SO fucking stupid!’https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/08/march-2007-the-build-up-to-hostilites-begin/

He would remind me of all the times ‘ she’ and Rich had made a fool of me: of the times  ‘she’ would measure me to show how much taller than me ‘she’ was;and then The Demon would remind me that I fucking let her!  He would remind me of how many times ‘She’ and Rich would stand outside smoking and laughing together, and then he would tell me that they had been laughing about me. All the way home that Demon would run a film of what had happened through my head on a never ending loop.

As I pulled up outside my house it would tell me how people thought I was stupid for having Rich back, for believing him in the past, for feeling sad for him now; reminding me of how ‘she’ and Rich had treated me as if I was a fat silly bitch, and, again, how  I had let them.

I often felt as if it was literally poking me in the head head and asking me if I was listening. It knew to tap into my deadly sin, pride, and I could often feel my blood literally start to boil and hear the beating of my heart because it was so loud and I was so, so angry.

By now  I was buying CD’s like they were going out of fashion, and the songs I chose to play would all relate to what I was going through at that time; and although  I would cry to so many it was my main way of stopping The Demon from getting into my head, it was by all accounts my saviour for a very long time.

There was, and still is, one particular song by the Sugar Babes – ‘Stronger’ – that I played all the time; it is a song that will always mean something to me, no matter where I am in my life; and it can still bring tears to my eyes because I will always be ‘the one who stands here longer than the rest.’

The song resonated with me because I knew one thing for certain, I was strong; and all of the other players in this comedy of errors had made one big mistake: They had underestimated me! That song was the angel in my head reminding me of what I had gained because of what had happened: I had lost myself along the way and now I had got myself back.

‘I’ll make it through the rainy days

I’ll be the one who stands here longer than the rest

When my landscape changes, rearranges
I’ll be stronger than I’ve ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything’s gonna be alright’

I also knew that although I was with Rich I was all alone, that was a fact! We had to build something new and what we had right now was simply based on what we used to have, which I knew had to change because it was never going to be enough.

I was alone until I could believe and trust Rich again, and I couldn’t do that until  I was stronger.

I’m all alone and finally
I’m getting stronger
You’ll come to see
Just what I can be
I’m getting stronger

Of course I know, now, that what we were going to have was going to be new, but it was going to be based on what we had learnt from this life changing, mind blowing, excruciatingly heart breaking and painful experience. To do that, as I always say, Rich had to face his fears (that I might leave), he had to step up to the plate and be brave, be sorry, and show it.

I know that there’s gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that’s the way it’s gotta be

In an earlier journal entry  I had written how Rich had sent me a text and called me his ‘beautiful wife’. This was important because he was so afraid to approach me in many ways, even to call me a nickname he had used  before ‘The War’.

Rich had always called me his ‘Beautiful Wife’, in all the time we had been together, and he had me saved in his phone under ‘Beautiful Wifey.’ But when they had been together ‘She’ had found my details in his phone and insisted that he save ‘her’  under a special name in his phone book. When  I found it, (it was Gorgeous Girlfriend) I went fucking ballistic. I told Rich that I just wanted him to save me as Moira in his phone and nothing else (he was still not allowed to call me Mois – See ‘Day Nine – I started to fall out of love with you’ ) https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/11/day-nine-wednesday-i-started-to-fall-out-of-love-with-you/ So Rich having a name for me was now also ruined!

For Rich to call me Beautiful Wife in a text was, in a small way, Rich facing one of his fears: He knew that I could have easily told him to fuck off! That it could trigger so much and that he could come home to me waiting for him with my bags packed. But to Rich I was his Beautiful Wife, and he wanted back some of what he had before, so he faced his fears and used the name he had been forbidden to use. Seems like a small thing but it was immense because I knew how brave he had been, and that he had listened; and I listened too.

I also know that ‘Mois’ who wrote this journal did not know any of what I know now, but she still hung on to hope. It is essential, if you don’t have hope then you have nothing and why are you there?

‘Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that’s been captured in a maze
I had my ups and down
Trials and tribulations
I overcome it day by day
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what I’m looking for’

This song always meant so much (still does) because over time  I could see that I was a different and stronger person when I was not with Rich; I was ‘my own person’ which I would learn was fundamental to our survival  because I could never feel vulnerable again. I still don’t!

I didn’t know what I had to do

I Just knew I was alone

People around me

But they didn’t care

So I searched into my soul

I’m not the type of girl that will let them see her cry

It’s now my style

I’ll get by

See I’m gonna do this for me

‘Stronger Performed by The Sugababes  Written by Jony Rockstar, Marius de Vries and Felix Howard

Get a song….. Not an angry one, one that moves you forward and listen to it when your head is telling you stories.

Moisy

Gaining a sense of identity

Image result for images for rebuilding yourself

After the disastrous meeting with Rich and the counsellor  I knew that I could no longer be vulnerable or allow myself to feel vulnerable. It was clear that Rich thought that I only wanted him for his money, well he could shove his money up his arse I would get my own.

I knew that I had to find my identity now, because, in all honesty, it had been lost for so long. I had worked part-time because Rich wanted me to, I had put on so much weight because I thought that I was safe in the love Rich had for me, after all he had got fat too!  I had gone along with Rich and believed that he wanted to take care of me when in fact he saw it as a millstone around his neck, and blamed me for it.

I had, quite simply,  lost myself and I made a promise to myself that I would never do that again.

By now I had lost so much weight, and even though Rich had come back I still could not eat much, I only had to think of something and the food turned to cardboard in my mouth; I would, literally, have to spit it out. So I continued to lose weight and  made a point of getting on that stepper every fucking day, sometimes twice a day. It wasn’t only about losing weight I was toning up every time I got on it and I knew that I was starting to look good. The more I looked good, the more insecure Rich got. If he thought he would not keep me when I was fat, he was never going to think he could keep me now!

It was also so important to me that I had my own income, that I was self-sufficient and no longer reliant on Rich. I could never allow myself to be in that dependent position again, I could never lose myself in someone else again. Work had already offered me extra hours and I continued to increase my hours where I could. It was difficult because every day, every moment was so hard, all that was in my head was what Rich had done to me, the way he had been with me. But in some ways I used that as a driving force, I was never, ever, going to feel beholden to Rich for money again. I knew that the more I earnt the less of a hold Rich would feel he had in keeping me, so I kept going to work!

We kept our separate bank accounts, and Rich would give me money every month for the bills because they had all been set up from my account. He wanted to pay for all the shopping but I was not prepared to give him anything that he could ever throw in my face again so I insisted that we went half.

But what was the point of it all? I wasn’t happy in this type of a relationship, I wanted a relationship like the one I had before with Rich. Where we shared everything, where we supported each other, and we hadn’t got that now.

No matter how hard I tried I could not see things getting any better for Rich and I; still felt the same as I had felt that day in the pub when I had a conversation with my reflection; and the thought of always feeling like this, for the rest of my life, was starting to drive me insane. Again I thought “I don’t know if I can do this.”

 

Are we really happy here
With this lonely game we play
Looking for words to say
Searching but not finding
Understanding anywhere
We’re lost in a masquerade

Both afraid to say we’re just too far away
From being close together from the start
We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way
We’re lost inside this lonely game we play

‘This Masquerade’ Performed by George Benson Written by Leon Russell