Tag: Reflections

Journal entry: I had started to understand acceptance and fear

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Friday 10th August 2007

I am writing in my journal today because I have a good feeling about me and Rich.

This journal is meant to be about showing the journey we are taking, the bad and the good; and although I have found it to be extremely therapeutic to write in this I have noticed that I don’t tend to write in it when I feel good – which kind of defeats the object.

I cried and cried on Tuesday, I could not control it. – My hormones had a lot to do with it. But the incredible hurt and sadness that I feel is immense.

Rich knew from the Monday that I was upset and asked me about it. We talked, I really cried.

I asked Rich if he still cried and he said that he still thinks about it every day, and cried about one or two times a week. That he cried on Monday night because he knew I was upset, I explained how I felt, what I had talked to Beth about, and read him what I had written in my journal on Tuesday.

We talked about

1) me getting away from him and Rich offered to go away. But that would not be what I needed, it would have to be me who went away, away from everything. But I explained to Rich that this was just an option I may have to consider; not one I was definitely going to take.

2) About selling the house, that would give us more money, and that I don’t want to as the house is my back up, my plan B; because I would sell the house and take the money and go wherever life took me. (Although as I am writing this I know that wherever life took me I would want Rich with me; I know that now.)

3) About everything – I explained to Rich, again, that he must put his arms around me when I cry. That perhaps he needs to say sorry every day. That he has broken my heart so badly, he knows that now. That he has virtually destroyed me.

But even though I was sobbing Rich still did not put his arms around me; and when I pointed out that this was so what I needed he said he was afraid. That what I was saying sounded like a goodbye speech. I did point out to Rich at this point that whatever I say, including asking what wants for tea, sounds like a goodbye speech to him.

I went upstairs as I find it so hurtful when I cry in front of him, and he does not comfort me. He followed me up and looked so unhappy, he had the same grey colour in his face as he had when he first came back to me. (And as I am writing this I am realising that it is killing him, this is killing him; and I don’t want that.)

He said that the main thing he thinks of is of how he should not have left me; of how he has broken my heart; of how he was running away. He still swears that they never had full sex, I do believe him.

I explained to Rich that it is no good him crying in one place and me crying in another. We need to cry together, to understand and know how we are both feeling, and to not be afraid of it. This will bring us closer together.

It has been good since then, still cried yesterday but do expect that, and it was only very briefly.

I thought that I would write in all of the positives that do come into my mind now.

  • How much stronger I am than I was the day I started to write this journal.
  • How much more I know that it was not a long affair. In fact if I detach myself from it I can see that it was nothing at all.
  • How much Rich loves me, treasures me; the look in his eyes when he looks at me.
  • How far we have come together.
  • How sorry Rich is. How, if he could sacrifice anything to change what he did to me he would.

Yesterday we went down and changed Rich’s bank account into joint names. He was so excited and so pleased that we had done that, it almost made me cry; it was so important to him.

Today I caught sight of Rich looking at me; the way he looks at me, the adoration in his eyes; tell me where do I find that again? I don’t!

I am really looking forward to our time off together now; seeing Alison and Peter tonight, everyone coming down tomorrow, going to France on Monday.

But before we do any of that, I am going to make love with my husband this afternoon.

I can honestly say that today, for the first time, I feel that Rich and I are going to make it, no doubts.

Footnote:

Today we were talking about buying a fireguard in France, of how we could look at in the winter and think of France. The look on Rich’s face when he said “and watch Strictly Come Dancing, and Match of the Day with my head on your lap.” I could see how much he wanted that, how much he has always wanted that; and so obviously did not want to let that go in the first place.

It just emphasised how much of this (what has happened) was all about manipulation, circumstances, and fear. It made my eyes fill up with tears, not of sadness but with happiness because I could see that Rich’s love for me is so total, so complete; and how it always has been.

Mois

Reflections 2018

I have read various descriptions of what ‘acceptance’ is, the Eckhart Tolle version, from ‘The Power of Now’ describes it as such:

“that acceptance is the “this is it” response to anything occurring in any moment in life…..”

I know that we have to accept where we are, accept the moment, accept the weather, accept the things we cannot change because otherwise we would drive ourselves mad. The examples I have given here are all physical things, but I think that acceptance is also about accepting our feelings; and it was only recently that I was reminded of this again:

I realised how I had been denying something to myself over the past few weeks; I thought that I was okay with something, and looking at all the logical parts of it I was okay with where I was, I had accepted a situation and I had moved forward; but my head had decided that it was not going to acknowledge was the emotional side of how I felt, and where the emotional side was concerned I realised I was not okay. Logically the position I found myself in was okay, but emotionally I was sad for the intimacy that I had lost where a friendship was concerned  and I realised and admitted to myself that it was something that I  was never going to get back.  When I realised this I put into  place the things that I had learnt during this time in my life and I just sat and acknowldeged the fact that I was sad; I said it out loud to myself and I shed a tear.

As always when I acknowledged this fact  I woke up the following morning feeling better. I had owned the fact that I was sad and as soon as I did this it no longer played on my mind: it is what it is and it aint what it aint, (a saying that Rich and I learnt to use all those years ago) and whilst I miss that companionship and intimacy I also know that I am in the right place and that in time the sadness will pass.

I have used this example because this is what I am starting to realise in this entry in my journal; It shows that I am starting to accept what has happened. Because it has happened, I couldn’t change it we were where we were.

I knew that I had to accept it, knew that I would cry some days, feel good some days, and then cry the next, knew that the demon would be waiting for me in my car, that I had to face what Rich had done. In fact at the end of the entry I say how I had come to expect that I was still going to cry, and perhaps it is telling the I only cried for a brief space of time.

But I found as time went on that the more I accepted it, the less it happened. In fact this episode in my life has led me on a path of discovery and enlightenment and enriched my life much more than I ever knew it would at this time; and as I have explained it has helped me deal with something that has happened only recently.

For me this journal entry also deals with the issue of the fear that the some people who have betrayed feel when they are trying to rebuild a relationship that they broke on the first place(something I have touched on in previous posts).  It was important that I understood that Rich was afraid, to enable us to get to where we are today. Yes there were still times that I thought he had no entitlement to feel afraid, that he was not entitled to any help or empathy; but if I had continued on that vein and not considered Rich’s feelings at times we would not be where we are today, stronger and happier on a new adventure in France.

Although I was heartbroken, and although it hurt like hell when Rich did not put his arms around me, I knew, even when I wrote this that he was afraid; and even today he still is sometimes. I know that, and when he is I either cuddle him or remind him to face his fears and perhaps ask himself why he still has them.

This just highlights the damage that something like this can do, because for Rich even now, it can still break his heart when he thinks about what he has done; and he still can’t understand why he did it.

I can honestly say that my heart is no longer broken.

When I first started to write this book I read Rich the part of the story of when I was first told that he had been having an affair, the part where he does not come back after the revelation The first shot is fired…. As I read it to him, ten years later,  I did not expect his response: He just loooked at me with immense pain etched on his face, burst into tears and said “I am so sorry.” That told me how much pain Rich is still in at times and it breaks my heart that he feels that way.

As the person who has been betrayed do we get so caught up in our own pain that we fail to see the other person’s pain? Do we become so self-righteous that we stop listening? At the beginning I understand (of course I do) why we behave in this way, but over time I believe that we have to find the ability to come down from our high place and listen. I really do.

I find this entry so important because I hope that it helps you to start to understand just how destroyed Rich was. I know from other people’s stories that so many people who commit adultery are destroyed; they have destroyed themselves as well as others that they love. I read how one man struggled with his emotions for what he had done but felt he could not talk to his wife because he deserved it; and did not want to cause her any more pain by talking about it. I know that this is so common, so many women struggle with their husband’s lack of communication and I would urge them to look at Rich’s side of this story and understand that they may well feel afraid and unworthy.

In a previous journal entry (not serialised here, but in the book) I had acknowledged that I only wrote in my journal when I was struggling and not when I was happy. I had even questioned whether surely that was the point of the journal – to show the happy and sad. So in this entry I have said how I am writing in my journal ‘because I have good feelings about me and Rich.’ I had recognised that to survive we had to look at all of the emotions that we felt including the good things that happened and I it was equally important that I had started to include Rich in these conversations, started to share with him the things that I was realising from writing my journal.

In a previous post I had said that when we first got back together Rich did not want us to have a joint bank account again; and he had made it clear that he thought that part of me only wanted him for his income and to keep the house; it had broken my heart because we had always shared everything and it reinforced to me at that time just how destroyed our relationship was.  Counselling – It is he who should be sorry not me!

Rich’s attitude about having joint bank accounts had just underlined the crappy situation we were in, that he had believed the lies he had been told, that he thought that I only wanted him for his income and what he could bring into the house.  But of course I had increased my hours at work, and had my own money. I had needed to show Rich that I didn’t need his money. So when Rich when could see this he wanted us to have a shared account again, because he realised that it was ‘us’ we shared everything and it took him three months for him to realise this.

Rich was so happy when I agreed to add him to my account, and I understand why, because it was another small step to us becoming us again; it was also a way of Rich knowing that I was committed because I did not need him or his money, but I still wanted our joint account back.

Before ‘The War’ Rich would always sit with his head on my lap whilst we watched programmes, and this entry shows how he just wanted that normality back. We never did buy that fireguard, but he did lay with his head on my lap to watch programmes again.

I love my optimism in this entry I am starting to believe that Rich and I were going to make it. I know that we were still only halfway up that mountain, but that it was hope that kept us going all the way to the top and down the other side.

I hope this helps you, or someone you may know.

Moisy

You may want to visit my other blog to see where we are now on our French adventure in rural France https://moisfrenchadventure.com

Coping Mechanisms: Little boxes, Little boxes, Little boxes made of ticky tacky

The title to this post belongs to Malvina Reynolds who composed this song about social housing, but it is so apt for my post! 

broken open box

I thought that given that I have now shared with you how three months on from starting my Mad Journal journal I had decided view to it as tool I could use for ‘A New Beginning’, that I would tell you about the discussion I had with my then teenage son; and how from it I learnt about one of the main things  that I would need to use to get us to where we are today: Acceptance. 

One day when Rich was at work Tom found me crying; he was still so worried about me, and in exaspiration he asked me why I just couldn’t let it go and be happy that Rich was back.

I told him that I just could not just move on from what Rich had done; how all my life I had always had the coping mechanism of visualising a box and putting whatever was bothering me into that box, putting the lid on it and filing it away.  But this time it was not working; I had even tried to put the fucking thing in a lead lined box and weld the lid on and still it came back out and bit me on the arse every day! I just could not stand the thought of having this thing in my mind  for the rest of my life. The things in that box broke my heart every time I thought of them: Rich laughing at me with her; Rich kissing her at Tankerton; Rich setting up house with her; the dressing gowns hung his and her style on the back of the door; how long it had been going on and on and on and on… https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/20/may-the-detritus-of-betrayal-fighting-for-my-dignity-in-so-many-ways/

Tom looked at me incredulously and said ‘well that’s not going to work mum, you have to face it and deal with it! How stupid that you thought you could put it in a box; that is not dealing with it!’ He was right! But I was lost! I didn’t know what else I could do to help myself because this had always been my coping mechanism and I couldn’t think of another one. I could not bear the thoughts and images in my head; and more than that I could not bear the thought of what Rich had done to me. 

So I went to my ‘thinking’ place, the Downs, and sat looking out at the expanse of sea and sky and I just let all  of the contents of that box wash over me. Rich had laughed at me, Rich had set up with someone else, Rich had sex with someone else, Rich had lied to me, everything… I cried and cried, but eventually I said to myself ‘This is where you are Moisy, like it or not! You have to get up and get on with it. Stay or go, just make sure you are sure before you make that decision. Don’t be afraid of which one you make.”

I had to accept that it was what it was; that to stay was going to be really painful and that we may not survive in the end. Accept that I was on my own. Accept that although Rich was with me I could not look to him to give me emotional support, not after all he had done. What we had was gone, what I was left with now I didn’t know if I wanted it; and for my own sanity I had to look after me and make decisions based solely on how I felt. 

I had to accept the fact that these fucking things in my head were in my head, they controlled it right now; and by accepting that I actually took some of their power away; because part of their power was the element of surprise – just when you thought you were okay there they were again! 

So I learned over time to say out loud ‘Oh! There you are!’ or ‘ I wondered when you were going to rear your ugly head!’ Another saying was ‘I knew that was coming!’ Or ‘Tell me something I don’t know!’ It worked, accepting it worked; it took a long time but it got easier every day. 

In addition to this, were the small things that Rich did during this time, Lots of small things: showed me affection, cried, showed gratitude, reflected; and over time, as you will see, this started to make new pictures in my mind. More importantly when I thought about giving up, when the thoughts overwhelmed me the small things made me realise that the man I would be leaving would be the man stood in front of me;  not the man who left me he was just a memory. I still see that today: The man Rich is today, he is not the man who left me. 

It is small things, like pieces of a jigsaw they all fit together to make a bigger thing to make something new; but the timeframe is a long one, and you have to be in it for the long haul if you want to stay; and you you have to accept that ultimately you may walk away. 

So the things in your mind: accept them, embrace them, tell them that  your not afraid of them, take their power away. 

Moisy 

 

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The new beginning – Finding me again

 

Tuesday 31st July 2007

It’s not easy but I think I can do it – in getting the unwanted pictures out of my head.

I am now lying on the downs at Tankerton. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing everything out of my mind.

I have had a difficult day today. Not in having those things on my mind, but the sadness.

There are two issues:

  1. Getting the thoughts in my head under control.
  2. The sadness for what I have lost. The grief for the bereavement, for the waste of that love that I had, that I had never had for anyone else.

Time will heal that, I know it. How and what form that healing will take I don’t know.

But as I am writing this, and although I have cried with sadness today (a short cry, letting it all out like Sherri said. It is true it doesn’t last long anymore; no more heaving sobs – not if I don’t give way to it. There’s just grief.) I also know that despite what I have lost I would not want to go back to it:

  • A big fat lump that had really let myself go.
  • Someone who I am starting to see now was very frustrated, angry almost inside. Because what did she have? Everything centred on Rich; and although I was jolted out of that (kicking and screaming at the time.) I never want to be that person again. I don’t like her.
  • A couple who became so insular, so immersed in just themselves. You see Rich would want to go back that (because of his own insecurities, because of his own fear.) I don’t.

Rich has changed since he has been with me – Beth was right, I dragged him up with me. Although he is quite capable himself he does not believe that without me by his side.

In fact, perhaps sub-consciously he always knew I would come to my senses and that is why he thought he could not keep me.

So why am I with him now? I do find that thought popping into my head. Because I know how much he loves me; and when someone loves you that much and you do love them, then why walk away? There is something to work on.

The life we have created together keeps me here as well. I enjoy his company, and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he also gets on my tits.

I had to get on my bike today and come here on my own. Regain my independence and do things on my own. I do notice that when I am with Rich we do both slot into that ‘doing everything together’ mode. I did, however, only realise today how many arrangements I make to do things with other people. This has been a totally sub-conscious thing.

At the moment part of me still wants Rich to ring me, text me, reassure me. But the more I do things on my own the less that will get; and I need to do that. Rich will totally freak, just look hurt and say “Whatever you want.” But not really mean it. That is no-longer my problem.

I am enjoying myself, being myself, confident, self-sufficient, and not constantly thinking of someone else.

I am going to go to the pub on my own and have a glass of wine before I go home; and I haven’t brought my mobile with me; this is me time.

This has really helped.

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

I remember this day clearly. It was a beautiful sunny day, not hot, the wind had a slight chill in it, but there were bright blue skies with small puffs of cloud moving along quickly in the wind; and the sun was warm.

Tankerton is a pretty place with rolling downs that lead down to the beach and sea, dotted with beach huts on stilts. On this day there were lots of people there and I can remember watching them all and thinking how happy they all were, and here was I with my world in pieces, never knowing if I would really be happy again.

But I have learnt over the years that you see what you want to see, and I believed at that time that everyone was happier than me. Obviously that was not true, but when you are in a place where nothing seems to make sense you believe that everyone else has their shit together. Trust me they don’t; it’s the good old demon in your head spinning you a line!

This was such an important entry for me, because as I said in my previous journal entry I believed that we needed to start again, a new beginning and to do that I had to find me; I was right, I had to find myself again.

I had become ‘lost’ in Rich before ‘the War’, everything revolved around him; I worked part time so that I could support him in his career, whilst I renovated and managed the house and finances. I had lived my life for Rich and I knew that I could no longer do that; Rich could be part of my life but he could no longer be the centre of it – I had to be that.

So the start of that was to go somewhere on my own, and the choice is pertinent because I chose to go to the one place where Rich used to meet up with ‘her’ on his way to work. I chose this place because I knew that I had to face my fears to be able to move forward into my new life and to not let my fears and memories beat me anymore!

For me there are three main things in this entry that resonate with me today:

  • That I recognised that I did not want to be the person that I was before, in fact did not even like the person that I was before. When I read this entry it did stop me in my tracks, because I had recognised that even then.

Today Rich and I have looked back at the people that we were before ‘The War’ and we do not like them. How much we drank, the places that we drank, even today we have been talking about how we accepted people’s bad behaviours without question. We both agree that we really were a pair of arseholes.

  • The fact that I have said that I was an angry and frustrated person; because I can see now that I was. The Moira who wrote this entry was absolutely right I had been angry and frustrated; I had not been using my skills to their full potential and because of that I had would get angry and lose my temper at things; or make small things more important than they really were.

After ‘The War’ when I had begun to find myself again someone had said to me that I had ‘dumbed down’ and I knew that they were right: I did not want promotion at work, did not want to work full time, did not want to use my brain because that was the easy way out, and ‘The War’ made me see sense, as I have said in this entry; albeit ‘kicking and screaming at the time.’

I believe today that everything does happen for a reason, and that at times messages are sent to us and when we don’t listen then a lesson is sent to us; and more often than not that lesson is a hard one.  Even today I believe that my sister was right, I was being sent a message, a kick up the arse if you like, to find myself again.

  • The third and most important thing from this entry is that I can see that I wanted to stay with Rich because he made me laugh, because I enjoyed his company, that we get on well together, and that these were the things that made me love him. Real things, not romantic things; sometimes we forget that relationships are many things not just love and sex.

But I also love that fact that I can also see that he “gets on my tits.” Looking back now I probably get on his “tits” as well! That’s life!

I did go to the pub; I sat in the garden on my own and showed myself that I did not need to fear being on my own. That I needed to embrace being my own person, an individual who did not start and end with Rich; and this was the start of doing this. So I had two glasses of wine whilst I read my book.

Moira had started to find herself again and it was crucial to our survival.

Moisy

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She’s Always a Woman     Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her, as long it’s free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me

Ohhh…she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time
Ohhh…and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind…..

Journal Entry: Small steps and small things got us here today

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I left this back from the last journal entry because I think that it is an important piece of advice that I can give you – and the Moisy from then can give you:

Monday 9th July 2007 

Positives for the future:

  1. Rich said thank you.
  2. Rich hates ‘Her,’ regrets it so much.
  3. Rich would do anything to keep me.
  4. Rich is so sorry for what he has done.
  5. Wants us to work so badly.
  6. Rich is so happy when I am happy (what more could anyone want?!)
  7. Rich maintains (big time) his erection with me.
  8. Loves me so much.
  9. I love Rich so much.
  10. Would give everything up for me.
  11. I am the most important thing in Rich’s life.
  12. I have found myself. I understand my head for the first time ever.
  13. I have lost weight and got fit.
  14. Realise how many people I have who care about me/us.
  15. We work well together as a team. Isn’t that what life is really about? Isn’t love just part of the equation?
  16. Rich would never do it again.
  17. Back, very closely now, with Beth. Better than we ever were.
  18. Have a better relationship with Tom.
  19. Rich treasures everything about us, every good moment that we have.
  20. Rich never wants to lose me.

I will use this list at times. But I am hoping that any future entries will mostly be positive (apart from the hormones!)

Reflections 2018

This list of positives show how I clung to anything to keep me in the relationship. I realised over time, and especially when I read my journal again years later, how many times i did this; and how many times Rich did it as well. I could see as I read my journal  how crucial all the small things were to get us to where we are today.

I have often said to other people hold on to really small things, don’t dismiss them, because they go on to make the big things, like little pieces of a jigsaw until in the end you can see the whole picture. It is easy when you are hurt to dismiss them, I know I did at times , but it is clear that my sub conscious mind made a little note of them because it is my sub conscious mind that I am sharing in my journal.

So my suggestion would be to write them down, so that when the demon tells you that you are right to tell them to ‘fuck off’ have a look at your list and remind yourself of the small things. (I especially love number 7!!) No seriously I love them all.

When I sit here now and I read what I hoped for:  That future entries would hopefully be positive it makes me smile, because I know that we were still at the very beginning of our journey to where we are now, and as you will see the highs and the lows just kept coming, as the next few entries will show……..

Moisy

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Journal entry – When someone you love has had sex with someone else, it’s unbearable

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Friday 6th July 2007 

I have just cried. I know I am hormonal, so that is a contributing factor but sometimes I still feel like crying. The biggest thing for me  is that in my head there lies the the fact that Rich had sex with ‘Her’.

I think that at the beginning of this journal I said that wasn’t the main thing for me. That it was for Rich but not for me. I did mean it at the time, and perhaps it was because I had so many other things in my head to deal with.

Now I don’t have as many things in my head, which is a good thing; but it has also opened the way for me to deal with what was actually the worst thing of all. And perhaps at the beginning it was just too big for me to deal with so I put it to the back of my mind.

Now it is here and I know, as is my nature that I have to confront it to deal with it. But how do I do that? I am hoping that by writing this in my journal it will help me.

I know that Rich says that he thought he had lost me, and that he was only going through the motions. That he had to shut his eyes and think of me. But although I really want to believe him I can’t.

I know Rich well enough and if he had something on his mind he would not be able to get an erection. – It happened often enough with us. He had sex with ‘Her’ on the night he text me about collecting his things, the night before he came back (supposedly because he thought he had totally lost me, that I had changed my number, because I had not text back.) How did he do that?

Rich says that if I had not text back he would have come to work and waited by my car; when? In a day? A week?  A month? I don’t believe he ever would have.

I am crying now, but I know that I have to write these thoughts down to make some sense in my head. (That’s the control freak in me!)

I know that Rich had a fumbling session with ‘Her’ (crap!) when were together. But if he loved me (loves me, sorry shouldn’t use past tense.) how could he have sex with ‘Her’ after he left? (Which was supposedly something he regretted from the minute he shut the front door.) I want to believe so much, but can’t. I am not that type of person (sometimes I wished I was) and that undermines us.

We went to the counsellor and she said that we had an “inner couple” that not everybody has. That to the trained eye you could see the couples who were likely to surive and those that were not.

I know that Rich loves me, I know that he is so happy we are back together, I know he got caught up in something, I know his weaknesses and guilt made him run away. But how come his grief at our break up, his guilt and his love for me did not prevent him from being able to have sex with ‘Her? ‘

Something does not tie up. I don’t feel that I can talk to Rich about this; but I fear that if I don’t it will destroy us. He thinks we are moving forward, and we are in a lot of things, but for me, right now, I feel this will always hold me back and eventually destroy us.

I have found this really hard. I am hoping I can find some resolution. That I will look back in a couple of months and be able to see it has got better.

We have had lots of good points this week. But I can’t write about them right now because this overshadows them.

5.15pm

I can’t read what I have written because I have been upset all day. Spoke to Nel for an hour after writing it. Agreed that my hormones have a lot to do with how I feel, but I also know,  that this is the final and hardest hurdle.

I am going to provide a makeup party for Helen’s daughter’s birthday, and I am looking forward to it. I promised Helen I would be okay, and funny, like me, how I normally am!

Rich has picked up that something is wrong; but I will stick to my plan that I drew up with Nel – wait until the hormones are gone and keep writing in here. Then see how I feel.

Helen said that Rich says those things to make things better, because he is so desperate not to lose me. But I think that it is more to make Rich feel better because he does not want to lose me, and hates what he has done.

I suppose that in some way that should make me feel better. That is how little he thinks of ‘Her,’ or what they did. In some ways it does.

I know that it may not be all that I am making it out to be in my head. But unless Rich talks to me about it I will never know. What if it was what I think in my head? How would I deal with that? And even if Rich told me it wasn’t would I believe him?

Right now I don’t want to kiss Rich, let alone do anything else. 

This is going to be my hardest test. Because right now I feel that I need space from Rich; and for us to survive I have to overcome that. I have told him to have a sleep for half an hour.

How ironic that bloke from the pub called me today and left a message. I am not interested. But perhaps it now gives Rich a dose of the situation he has put himself in.

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

This is the big one! When you start to try and repair what you have you have and you have to confront the most heart breaking thing of all, because that was how I felt at that time.

This entry shows this, I could not even go back and read it at the time, couldn’t write about the good things, because this one thing took over my brain like an alien. It burst out of the box that I had been trying to keep it in (those boxes don’t work  folks this is way too big!) like an explosion, like an evil clown and I can remember how everytime the thought came in my head I felt as if I was going to throw up; I could feel a physical pain in my heart, as if some sadistic bastard was squeezing it!

Thinking of Rich and’Her’ in ‘the act’, imagining all sorts of things, mainly how wonderful and romantic it must have been; I could picture Rich holding her, on top of her, caressing her, all the things that he should have only been doing with me. The Demon had a field day telling me how they must have laughed about me, compared me, and it literally made me feel sick. My husband was being intimate with someone else, when it should have only ever been something between him and I.

I thought back to all those times that Rich and I had been together whilst he had been seeing ‘her’ behind my back, all those times he must have been running through his head things that he had done with ‘her’. Even though Rich denied that he had ever had full sex with her before he left, I did not believe him, and I still don’t!

What I had written was right  I had to confront it, even though I was terrified of whether  I would be able to move forward in my life with Rich when I had heard the details, I thought I would not be able to live my life at all without hearing them.

Months before, when Rich and I had gone to France for a weekend,  we had argued and I had screamed at him how  the sex we had was just a ‘shag’ – meaningless sex that I could have with anyone. That is what it had done to me, I did not make love with Rich I shagged him!! I know now that it was as we built something new that we would then be able to make love, nothing that we had before counted, and it still doesn’t!

I don’t want to trivialise the awfulness of knowing that the person that you love, or loved, has had sex with someone else; because as I have said in this entry I was so afraid of it. Looking back, with the benefit of years of recovery behind me, and knowing what  we went through, I can tell you these things:

As I said to Rich that a ‘shag was just a shag’ that works both ways. That was how he was able to get an erectionwith ‘her’ because in his head at that time he had to keep the life he was trying to build with ‘her’ because he had fucked up the life he had built with me and had nowhere else to go! -That is why he was able to perform the night before he came back to me! I know that now, I get that, because that is exactly what I did to Rich when we first got back together.

More often than not the person who has committed the adultery is more afraid of this conversation than you are; often because when you ask them why, which you will, over and over again, they cannot tell you, because they do not know. Even now. years later,  if you asked Rich why, he would tell you that he does not know! We know the circumstances that led up to it, we know the where’s and whys;  but for Rich then when he was faced with what he was likely to lose he wondered himself why the fuck he had done it, and said he didn’t know why. Today he will still say it because the enormity of what he could have lost hits him; and I know that he asks himself that question over and over again; I don’t!

When you ask them how often (fuck me do I remember that one!) Where? What position? Did they use a condom (of course they’re going to say yes!). They won’t want to tell you that they fucked like rabbits, because that would hurt you even more. They will tell you that they couldn’t get it up, or it was just a fumble, some of which might or might not be true but you’re never going to believe them. The heart will want to but the demon won’t let you believe them.

They will not want to tell you that they enjoyed it, because they do not want to hurt you anymore than they have already!  And, as in Rich’s case, they do not want to lose you.  Which is ironic because in the early stages they have lost you, they are now trying to win you back (or should be!)

Now coming from the point of view of the person who has been hurt, I needed to know, had to know. But looking back how do I know if what Rich was telling me was the truth? How will I ever know? ‘She’ could crawl back out of the woodwork and say the ‘truth’ and how would I know if that were the truth either? We are back to the Unicorn of Truth! It only exists if you believe it!

You will see from further journal entries in my book that I asked about this over and over, grilled Rich, did everything but shine a light in his eyes; he gave me answers, but I grilled him to such a degree that in the end he was giving me different answers, anything that he thought that I wanted to hear, and of course then I picked him up in the conflicting things he had said and threw things back at him.

Have you been there yet?

I was, quite literally driving myself nuts, as you would see from the next few entries from my journal.

It took me months to realise that I was beating a dead horse, it was never going to talk and I was never going to know the truth, and more importantly even if I did know the truth it was never going to give me any peace. I had to make my own peace.

Now years later I know that it doesn’t matter, and it never did. We were either going to try and make it work or not. Time has helped me understand that what we have here and now is what’s important and should not be compromised because of something that happened in the past.

But I understand that most people who are reading this will be people who are going through what we went through, and they may find this hard to read, you just have to trust me, it can get easier but only if you let it.

I suppose that what I am trying to say  is you will, at some point in the future, have to decide if you can live with this or not; and you will have to decide what is important to you. What you have now? Or what you have lost that can never be recovered? And after that decide how you want to live your life: With them, or without them? Because you could, quite literally, drive yourself insane.

I have put in this entry that when Rich said that they had a fumble together, that I thought that this particular confession was crap. I didn’t believe him, I didn’t think they had a ‘fumble’ I thought they had a ‘shag’ and I still do. I made my decision and I moved forward with that decision in my head.

I have asked some of the bloggers of today ‘ Will it help if you know they had sex doggy style, hanging from the ceiling, twenty times in a day, will this make you feel better? Will you know it’s the truth? I don’t know the answer only you can answer that, because reflection and honesty with yourself is one of the only things that will get you through this.

The only key one is did they use a condom because they at least owe you the chance to make sure that your health has not been compromised, maybe you should point that out to them – because whilst I didn’t catch anything Rich lied about using one!

I can tell you the only thing we know is trueL  Your partner had sex with someone else.

On the balance of probability it maybe wasn’t great sex because they felt guilty; they would have felt a frisson of excitement because it was something new, something ‘naughty’; it was something that made them feel special in a world where they felt vulnerable. But if they were honest when reality hit home after the rush of hormones, having sex with someone else just made them feel more vunerable – forever because what what they did will never go away!

So at some point in the future please remember this chapter and when you need to read it again; I have been blunt, but this time the unicorn of truth exists becuase I have been honest!

In the future only you can make your decisions and build your life on what you have decided to believe, because this time you’re the one in control of your life,  you know where you stand! Finally!

As I said personally I believed the worse, because nothing can bite me on the arse then!

Always in control!

Moisy

 

 

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Two Journal entries because this is a big one – What is normal?

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Normal:

Something that conforms to a standard, type or regular pattern.

Something that we have come to expect.

Ordinary or usual

Journal entry – Wednesday 11th July 2007 

Why won’t this sadness go away? Or am I asking too much?

It is still a bereavement, at times I feel am still in shock at what has happened. – Because I was so sure of our love and commitment for each other, that nothing would ever tear something so good apart; that it was the most rock solid thing that I was ever going to have, and it wasn’t!

All Rich says is that he does love me as much as I thought he did, because he came back. I suppose from that he means that he couldn’t keep away. I understand that part; but why did he do it? I still, at times, (not all the time, not like before), feel an immense sadness about it all; and it does drive a wedge between us, but I am so hoping that will get less.

Rich did try so hard yesterday. Cleaned inside my car with lovely smelling cleaners, cuddled and kissed me; but as he said last night, when we talked, it just never seems to be enough.

I understand as I am writing this what he means, and I don’t know if it will ever be enough.

I want it to be.

As I have said before, I cannot throw away the love that I know we do have. But perhaps I continually ask him to be over the top with his affection because I know that will make me stay. And I am afraid of myself, afraid that eventually I won’t be able to. Perhaps I do still want that ‘special love’. Perhaps, if we can get through this, that is what Rich and I will achieve. But at the moment the wound is still so raw, I cannot see that happening. And perhaps it is ‘the test of time’ to see if we can / If I can stick it out.

I will try. Only time will tell.

I will give it time.

Mois

Thursday 12th July

I cried at work yesterday, but I do think some of it was my hormones. Rich cried at home.

I think he was walking around the house, doing the housework, bawling his eyes out! What a pair! What does that say? I had rung him and told him I was upset.

When I got home he had done so much, mopped the floor, hoovered through, and cleaned our bedroom. He so wanted to show me what he had done. I know that this is a reflection of his love for me, I don’t doubt Rich’s love for me, especially now, and that it what I must focus on.

I gave him a big kiss, we kissed many times; I know we both feel the same. I played him an R Kelly song which has the lines

 “and you had enough love for both of us,

but I did you wrong, I admit I did,

and now I’m facing the rest of my life alone.

if I could turn back the hands of time……..”

It made him cry, made me cry; and I kissed him and said “We will make it darling, it just takes time.”

He grabbed me and said “We will won’t we?”

“Promise?”

Mois
Reflections 2018

And we did make it!

But I feel so sad when I read some people’s struggle, as I can still relate today on how hard it is, you feel as if it will never go away; it will, but only if you let it.

I hope that I can show you when you read my madness and relate to it that you too  can survive it because we did. We are here today, living another adventure in which we have to trust each other  despite what happened to us.

So I put these two entries together to show you how my days were full of huge ups and even bigger downs. I think that one of the reasons that it was happening to me was because I wanted it to be over; wanted to ‘move on’, get back to ‘normality.’

The thing was, I was not accepting the fact that I did not actually know what normality was anymore. Everything that I thought was normal had in fact been blown apart by ‘The ‘War.’ The ‘Normal’ as I had once known it had gone and it wasn’t coming back.

It was only when I accepted this, we accepted this  (because, importantly,  Rich needed to accept the fact that what we had he had broken; and that no matter what he did he would never be able to fix what we had; he could only work hard and build something new) only then did things start to get easier. But it is a passage of time that you have to go through and come out the other side, you have no choice; it takes time because first you have to realise that you have lost your ‘normal’ and then you have to grieve for it. But don’t grieve forever, to such a degree that you cannot see the new things that you are making, be careful that demon doesn’t suck you in on that front!

People have asked me how long it took to get over it; I don’t think that you ‘get over it’! I think that you get stronger from it, but this will depend on whether you can accept where you are. To survive you have to accept that it happened and that your life changed because of it and then, and only then you can move forward.

I find that people think it just takes a couple of months, or up to a year, but you will see from our story it took over two years before it no longer consumed our lives; and I would honestly say, for me, about five years before I no longer thought about it every day.

I can remember the Counselor saying to me that they set a six month timeframe: that ‘normally’ at six months you should be able to go through a day without thinking about it; and there is that word again! Normally!  I can remember panicking as October came our way, because there was no way that I was going to stop thinking about it every day at that point, when in actual fact that was my normal. I have a strong personality, I had a lot of pride to deal with so there was never any possibility that I was not going to be thinking about what had happened at the six month stage!

So yes ask other people how long it took them, but remember – what is their normal may not be yours, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

I would suggest that you try and keep something that will show you that things are getting better, a journal, a notebook, the reason I suggest writing it  down is because you head cannot then go back and lie to you, as it is in black and white, there on paper – what you felt at that time; and take it from me don’t compare yourself to others and think that you are failing if you  haven’t met their timeframe.

After the five years it just got easier and easier for me and now I can talk about it, laugh about it (yes I laugh about some of it!) and cry about it sometimes, mainly with Rich because he still cries, and I cry for him!

So these two entries are to show you all that the same happened to me, this is how it works, you have a day when you are convinced that the future will be bright, followed by two days of despair. You just have to keep walking forward, small steps, as someone once saidto me all those years ago.

When I read this entry it did bring tears to my eyes for Rich.I found myself feeling so sorry for him, he went through as much hell as I did, if not more, but it took me years to realise that!

Moisy

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Journal Entry: ‘Trickle Truth’ – When did it really start?

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Monday 18th June 2007

I told Rich on Saturday that I wanted to get ‘that’ love affair back – and I do. We had a good evening this evening and Rich took my car to work because he hates driving his so much.

But yesterday I had a bad day, and that is what gets to me so much, the highs and then the terrible lows.

Rich told me on Saturday that he had cried at work with the boys in his gang.  He had told them about our argument on Friday, but we did laugh that I had lobbed his phone at his head!

But yesterday I just had a really bad day. I was decorating (not good because the thoughts keep whizzing round your head).

Why did he do it?

Why did he start to see ‘Her’ again in March?

I checked his phone bill right back to last June, as Rich had told me to do to prove he had not been texting Her. But of course she had a different phone then – how could I check?  And that made me angry, because he knew that. So does that mean that he is still lying to me about what happened?

I could also see that it all started again on the 28th of February. All the texts, and it really upset me, my heart was pounding in my chest again. 

I had a big chat with Tom (always so astute)! He told me I must let it go and see what I have now. But the hurt is so bad.

Tom said I that he could see that Rich loved me so much and I just looked at him as if to say ‘your joking right?’ But I had to laugh when he said to me ‘Mum! You’re not an easy person to come back to!’ 

Anyway I got the decorating done and never rang Rich all day. He didn’t ring me, apart from to say he was on his way home. I swore to myself that I would not bring it up; that I could act. But I couldn’t.

I did bring up not being able to find the number and that I thought that Rich had deliberately set me up to look, thinking I was still a silly bitch and wouldn’t remember that she had changed ‘her’ phone. 

I told Rich that for us to survive I have to know he is not still lying to me about anything. But he swears he is not. I explained and showed him how I remember things – like he now says  that he did not meet up with Her at Tankerton until the March. That they had only communicated by phone in the September and October. But then I remembered that he said she had asked him to meet Her when he first text Her in the July to say the kiss was a mistake. So is he now lying again?

Why did he ever text her? Why did he contact her at all? None of it added up.

See!! What do I do? I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let it go and concentrate on now.

I explained to Rich how it has affected me – my wedding photos mean nothing, you might as well throw my dress away because when I look at them they mean nothing.

That I look back on the last nine years and feel that what I had never actually existed, it was just crap. (But as I am writing this I realise that there must be something, or I would not be here.)

I want to stay but that is how I feel.

I know that Rich went up to the toilet and cried. I cried.

When Rich came back down we talked – something that Rich must continue to do. Even though he told me he does not cry anymore he told me he had lied. That he needs to go to the Doctor for anti-depressants because he feels so down; that he cried yesterday when he had sent his gang home from work.  That he cried every day because his gut feeling is that he has lost me, that he is picking up that vibe, and that he cannot live without me. That he has suicidal thoughts – that he was thinking that  if he got run over by a train whilst at work,  I would be able to get over him because it is a different bereavement, and financially I would be ok. That he sat on track yesterday without his high-visibility gear on, crying.

So now I have written all this down and now I realise that I must help us.

That only I can.

Do I let that fucking cunt destroy any more than ‘She’ has already?

I know that Rich cannot live without me – something that Tom predicted at the very beginning when he first left.

I know that Rich is so sorry, that he was so manipulated; got caught up in something.

I must move on, I must leave it in the past and concentrate on now. I need to prove that to myself.

God/Mum please help me.

Mois

Reflections 2018

When I read this entry I cried for the person who was writing this journal. I cried because I remember her pain.

Reading my journal it is like reading another person’s story now;  but I know that person, who is suffering so much, made me the person that I am today; and her strength, courage, and determination brought tears to my eyes. I knew that she was in a bad place when she asked her mum for help!

I was right when I wrote that  our son Tom was astute when he told me to focus on what I have now, because he knows me so well; and also because during this conversation he told me that I had to understand how courageous it was for Rich to come back, how he must love me so much to put up with the crap I was dishing out to him.   He was so right, when he said that I ‘was not an easy person to come back to.’  I was not!

What Tom said  made me take a step back and his words echoed in my ears often, when Rich would look so lost, when I would see how hard Rich was trying and mainly when I was being a bitch! In fact I still quote them back to myself today at times. (I believe that you have to see yourself in all of this, none of us are perfect!)

This entry starts to show my madness, the language is changing, I am starting to write about the lies, lies, and more lies, or the truth, truth and more truth if  you were to believe Rich!

An important way to explain it is this: What  I said to Rich about not lying to me and always telling me the truth was true at that time. He had lied to me so much over the past year (or however long it was) and I couldn’t bear the fact that he may still be lying, that he may still be keeping secrets that he could only share with ‘her’; I couldn’t bear the fact that they may still be sharing things that I was not party to. The important thing here is ‘at that time’… I don’t give a shit now!

But ‘at that time’ it didn’t matter what Rich said I didn’t believe him, he was  in a ‘no win’ situation that would continue for years until, as you will see from my book, I decided where to go with the unicorn known as the truth!

Eventually (but it took an age to get there) where the timeframe for when the affair started  was concerned I made mind up my mind that Rich had in fact been texting ‘her’ all along; that he had probably been seeing ‘her’ all along, and that it had started months earlier than I even thought at that time. The clues were there when I looked back.

It is important for me to say though, that I am saying this with eleven years of building something new behind us;  at the time that I wrote this entry in my journal I could never have made these decisions about the truth, because if I believed that Rich had been cheating on me that long I would not have stayed, and I knew that. I was in a catch 22 situation, I wanted the truth because I did not want to be made ‘a fool of anymore’ but I did not want the truth because I would not have stayed – and ultimately I wanted to!

This is a journey that I am sharing with you all, and it is a journey that we both went on; so I think it is essential that I explain to you the impact on Rich.  This entry starts to show that the turmoil for Rich is growing every day. He found it so hard because one day I was telling him I could do it and the next I was telling him I couldn’t. This eventually drove him mad; and, if I’m honest, I think that was part of my revenge at the beginning, I punished Rich every day. But when it did eventually take its toll we were so much further down the path, and I did not want him to fall apart, but it was too late and the damage had already been done. Just something to think about…..

I hope anyone who is thinking of having an affair reads this blog/book before they embark on it; I think that it may make them think twice.

I hope so….

Moisy

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don’t care
‘Cause I know my happiness is waiting
Out there somewhere

I’m searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I’ve never seen
Oh, I’d like to take just a moment
And dream my dreams, oh dream my dream

Woah, woah, zoom, I’d like to fly far away, yeah
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I’d find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be

Zoom – The Commordes

Songwriters: Ronald Lapread / Lionel Richie