Tag: Anger

Anger and Rage

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Despite it being over eleven years since ‘The War’ in our lives it has only been over the past  years, as I have been pulling my book together, that I have started to think about the role of anger and rage in the lives of those who have been betrayed. 

When considering the person who has been betrayed it is perfectly understandable that they feel rage and anger with regard to what has happened to them. It is also understandable that due to this their actions may be erratic, out of character (perhaps because their world has been turned upside down!) and at times downright mad. I threw Rich’s underpants out in the road when he was not with me, and I never did pick them up! I threw his stuff on our neighbours drive and at the time I didn’t give a shit who stole it. I punched Rich and gave him  black eyes! That would be because I had been driven mad with grief, pain and fear. No I was not acting in my normal rational way, but that may have been because at that time I did not know what normal was anymore. 

For the people who read this blog who are the people that betrayed, those who have caused the heartache and pain, you may want to read it if you want to use it to help your relationship and rebuild.

I need to warn you all  now, in some places I am going to be  blunt! 

My reasons for this particular post are these:

  1. To help those who have been betrayed to understand that what you feel is normal, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I have read other’s stories and in it they say how the person who broke their heart has used their understandably (un)reasonable behaviour as a weapon against them; have said how they have changed, swear more, drink more, over react to small things. This is normal; if you read our story you will see my rage and anger in it from day one, when Rich left. The Rage did subside to anger over time but it still  lasted for at least another two years after our ‘War’ began. In the beginning the rage and anger did get me through what were some of the darkest times of my life; but over time I had to let them go otherwise I knew that  they would eat me up and destroy not just us but me as well. You may want to read:  Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy

2. To help those who have betrayed understand what the other person feels -we all feel it, and if you want your relationship to survive you need to understand that you caused it; so don’t bitch about it, and own it!

When Rich came back he never once criticised me for my anger or rage, he just looked and acted ashamed and sorry; heartbroken that he had turned me into such a raging banshee at times! He never judged me, he took it because he had caused it; no matter what it was that I did (and there were many things).  If you are judging someone whose heart you have broken for the way they behave as a result of your actions, then I am not sure what you will expect from the future. We all have to accept our responsibilities. 

3.That leads me on to the last reason for this post. I have come to realise that a lot of the rage and anger that I felt was actually about myself. I was  so angry with myself for not listening to my gut feelings in the months, or even years (who knows!) leading up to the outbreak of ‘The War’. I was angry with myself for losing myself in our relationship; losing the person that I had always been because I just focused on what we had and nothing else; I was angry with myself for letting myself go; angry with myself for not challenging the behaviours I had been faced with; and more than anything I was angry with myself for being so arrogant: believing that  what we had nobody could take away from me; so I didn’t always treat our relationship with respect or take the time to understand Rich’s insecurities throughout our relationship that lead up to ‘The War’. 

I know for some people this will cause outrage, especially if they are at the start of their journey. It was only as I researched and wrote my book, and read my old journal that I understood that a lot of the anger that I used to feel was actually directed at me. Sure I had deflected it onto Rich, let’s not forget that everything is their fault right?! But in reality the one person who had really let me down was me. 

That is why I always say to people when they ask me how they can survive the pain: Always have yourself first, without yourself you have nothing. I did that, and I still have myself first;  but over time as the pain subsided my journal gave me the abiility to reflect; through this I was able to  see not only the other person’s failings and frailties but my own as well. 

I know some people think it is a cliche: but this is a journey you are on; like it or not, you are adrift on that ocean of despair and at the beginning only you will get yourself across it. So use that rage and anger, accept it’s part of the process, but don’t hang on to it forever and at some point I would suggest that you have a conversation with yourself about who you’re really angry with. 

Controversial I know!

Moisy 

 

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The Surrender Part 2……

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Day 22 – Tuesday 1st May 

After speaking to Rich on the phone ( Day 22 The Surrender Part 1  ) I had called Mary; she had been with me through all of this, listening to my never ending tears and madness whilst I tried to make sense of what had happened. At the time she was  over an hours drive away but she made the journey back and arrived at my home that evening, just to give me moral support.

We chatted as I got ready to meet Rich; I  knew that I look good, I have lost over two stone and am more  toned  than I have been in years, thanks to all of the hours I have spent on the stepper.

Mary says that she always knew that Rich would come back, because things just did not add up, that you only had to look at his face when he looked at me to know that he loved me. It made me think back to the evening I was told what was going on; of Rich’s face as he was watching ‘Her’ partner whispering in my ear. That is an image I have constantly thought of in the last three weeks, because it was the thing that gave me the most hope. The first shot is fired….

After Mary leaves I wander around the house trying to occupy my mind. I cannot even have a drink because I have to drive; I can hear my  heart beating in my chest again, that terrible feeling that my heart is going to burst is back. It is nearly an hour before I am due to meet Rich but I just cannot stay in the house a minute longer so I go to Mary’s house, for more moral support because I know that this is it, if this meeting does not work out then we are lost forever.

When I get to the car park where we have arranged to meet, Rich is already there, and I am surprised to see that he has lost as much weight as me. I refuse to get into Rich’s car, it is contaminated by ‘Her’ now, so Rich gets in my car and after a long silence I ask him what he wants to tell me and he starts to tell me what had happened over the last few months:

It had started in July the previous year when they had kissed at one of ‘Her’ parties, the very party where I had pulled Rich away from her when I found them dancing together on the dance floor. After that Rich had looked for her number on my phone and had made contact with her, supposedly to say that the kiss should not have happened and he wanted to forget it all. The Background story – Making a new life and there are clouds on the horizon 

I didn’t for one minute this is why Rich had contacted her, by doing that she had his number and he knew that she would pursue him; and that is exactly what she did: bombarding him with texts and calling him as he drove to work.

Rich then went on to tell me that he had met ‘her’ at her brother’s house in Essex in the October of the year before,  in the month leading up to our Halloween party. Rich was supposed to be on a nights overtime but instead he signed out of work and went to meet ‘her.’ I feel sick as he tells me that they had a fumble but that he could not perform and that they did not have sex. All that time they had been laughing at me, lying to me; I think of the Halloween party and how I found ‘her’ sitting on Rich’s lap, of how upset I was, and of how Rich did not follow me when I walked out.  Now I know why, because he had already fucked ‘her’! The fact that he could not get ‘it’ up is neither here nor there.

Rich tells me that after their meeting he had stopped at a service station on the way home and thrown up, because he knew that if I ever found out he would lose me forever. ‘She’ had him trapped now,  because ‘She’ had something that could be used to blackmail him; and that is what ‘She’ did. If ‘She’ text him and he did not reply ‘She’ would make a pretense to come to our house and then threaten him saying that ‘She’ was going to tell me. (This was unlikely because I would have fucking punched ‘Her’ in the face!) But Rich believed her.

The whole time he is telling me his story I am just sitting there looking out to sea with my eyes brimming with tears struggling to understand how my life has changed. We are sitting in a car park, by the beach, people are walking past with their dogs, something we used to do; people are on the beach because it is a hot sunny evening, people are going to the pub behind us, these are all things we used to do; and now? Now we’re sitting here in a car surrounded by the debris of our lives, and I am wondering what the fuck has happened.

Rich says that he tried to stop things, had stopped texting ‘Her’ or answering ‘Her’ texts for months, and that it had only started up again in March of this year. I think back to that month, I had been really ill with a chest infection, in fact I could not shake it and they were worried that I was going to develop pneumonia. As I sit there I realise why I had become so ill, because I had been ignoring the very things that were under my nose. More than anything I could not understand why Rich had gone back to texting ‘Her’ again, Why? For fucks sake why!!

After that they had then started to meet up in the next town along the coast. a pretty small seaside town called Tankerton. They would both drive there separately and sit in Rich’s car kissing. I could not understand how he had been able to  meet ‘Her’  when he was always at work, and I ask him how and when because he would always call me when he was leaving work. Rich said that it was when I was at work, he would meet ‘Her’  before leaving for his shift, or after his shift had finished and he would lie to me and tell me he had been held up.

It all seems to make sense now, the text to our house in March, the times ‘She’ came over to see us because ‘She’ needed someone to speak to, the time when ‘She’ told me that one day I would hate her.

I asked Rich what he wants to do, does he want to come home?  I cannot believe it when Rich says he is not sure that he can do that to ‘Her’, that he cannot leave her in a mess!

I could have punched him in the mouth!  I started to shout at him so he got out of the car, then I got out of the car, all of the people enjoying the sunny evening are looking at us now and  I don’t care! I am so fucking angry with him, he left Tom and I without a second thought and now, after the conversation that we had that morning on the phone when he said that he had never loved ‘Her’ and had always loved me, now he is saying that he is concerned for ‘Her’.  I lose it and  I punch him round the head, forgetting that I have the car keys in my hand, I punched him four or five times, with everyone watching, and I didn’t  fucking care! Rich just stood there and let me.

I’d  had enough, really had enough of being in a soap opera with a bunch of skanks, Rich included! I walked back to my car and get in and just before I drive away I open the window and say “if you’re not back home before midnight tonight, don’t ever fucking contact me again.” With that I drove away.

I went straight back to Mary’s and as I talk to her I realise that I am worth more than the treatment that I have received, worth more than Rich for what he has put me through; when I say that to her she agrees with me.

I am suddenly no longer afraid to go home, it is my house now, I no longer see it as a home that belonged to Rich and I. When I got in I opened a bottle of wine and call my sister; I tell her what has happened and that I really feel that I never knew Rich at all, and that he was beneath me, the Counsellor was right.

At that moment in time I have decided that actually I don’t want Rich back. My sister then calmly asked me “So what will you do if he walks down the path later? You have asked him to come back, and give up his home I think you should consider that, because although he did not consider you, that does not mean that you have to stoop to his level.” That stopped me in my tracks and I have to think about it. I have given him an ultimatum so  I decide that I will have to let him sleep in the spare bedroom until he finds somewhere.

For the first time in a long time I was tired and go to bed at ten, I am not thinking about Rich anymore, neither am I going to wait up for to see if he calls or comes back; I have done too much waiting for him already and I am  not doing any more.  I need sleep, and for the first time in three weeks  I fall asleep quickly.

At ten past eleven my mobile rings and it is Rich calling. When I answered the phone he explains that he has left ‘Her’ and wants to come home. He has parked in the next road and when I ask   why he has parked his car around the corner and he says that he does not want it to be seen.

So I get up and wait for him to arrive, he has no key now, I had the locks changed within three days of him leaving;  he has to ring the doorbell – how apt!  I am in my pyjamas and I don’t care how I look, because I don’t care about Rich any more. I know that even though he is standing on the doorstep I am still on my own.

When Rich walked in it all seemed really strange because he looks uncomfortable in what was his home. It is as if we are two strangers, Rich sitting on the edge of the sofa and me sitting comfortably in my pyjamas on the other sofa, as far away from him as I can get.

Rich then suddenly asked me if I had an affair with my old boss, James. I am incredulous where the hell did that came from!  Rich explains that ‘She’ told him that I had confessed to ‘Her’ that I had an affair with James all those years ago. I just looked at Rich in disbelief, as if he had grown another head, and said ‘No’, and with that  Rich started to cry; because he  realised that he may have lost everything because of  all he has done over the past three weeks, actions that had taken place because of his own insecurities and this lie.

I asked Rich to be honest with me and tell me  if it was him that had called me the night he left, and he said it was.  He explained that they had been in a crummy bed and breakfast place with a payphone in the hall, and when ‘She’ had fallen asleep he had crept down and tried to call me from the payphone. I asked him why he had not called from his mobile, and he said he was afraid to because ‘She’ checked it all the time and would have noticed if he had taken it.

I asked him why he had called and  he said it was because he was worried about me, had found himself in an awful place and just wanted to come home; but when I didn’t answer he thought that he had lost me and  that ‘She’ had been right when ‘She’ had told him that  I had not wanted him all along

I just didn’t know whether to believe him; if Rich felt that way why did he not just get in the car and come home? Why did he put me through three weeks of hell? Why did he let us get to this place we were in now? I just didn’t understand none of it made any sense.

I don’t ask him if he had sex with her, he had already told me he had in one of our conversations we had when he was being a cunt.

I tell Rich that if he wants to be with me there are two conditions, he has to step up to the plate and face his fears about whether he is good enough for me, and he has to change his phone, number, everything.  Rich gives me his mobile and says that he knows she will just keep sending him texts  until he answers, because this is what she always did. I turned the phone off because that will fuck ‘Her’ right up!!

I told Rich that he had to sleep in the spare room; but really I don’t want him to, I want him to sleep with me and I feel so exhausted, as if all of the fight has gone out of me so I  decide to just let him.

As we lay in bed we just talked and talkedand suddenly Rich kissed me, not a full on kiss, a tentative kiss as if he was waiting for me to smash him in the face! But do you know what it told me so much: of  how much he has missed me; and how much he has wanted to do that,  and it tells me he is afraid of me. I kissed him back because I was too exhausted to feel angry.

We then started to kiss passionately and was clear that Rich had an erection; but I just can’t do it, I can’t have sex with him. I have worked too hard to get my self-respect back and I am not giving myself away again that easily.

I pushed Rich away and started to cry, I cannot do it and he understood.

I think for the first time in a long time we both slept.

In the day
In the night
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don’t
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there’s no time for joking
There’s a hole in the plan

Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh, you could mean everything to me

Say It Right –Nelly Furtado

Written by Nelly Furtado, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley

Moisy

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Day 22 The Surrender Part 1

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Day 22 – Tuesday 1st May

When I got up I did not know if I wanted to respond to the text Rich had sent the night before.  I was tired of it all now, I needed to move forward and extract myself from this ‘daytime soap opera’ that Rich had dragged me into. I was worth more than this!

I had booked a day’s leave from work to clean up the house after the repairs made by the plasterer. It is starting to feel like just my house now, and I feel that things are changing, I am starting to feel that I am now able to make it on my own. I notice that I don’t tend to hear the echo of my own footsteps following me anymore, it is as if the house has quietened the floorboards and allowed me to come to terms with being there on my own; it has become my ally.

But as I start to make my first cup of tea of the morning my eyes start to well with tears; this time because I know that it won’t be long before it is too late for Rich to come back. I have always been the type of person who seems to have an internal switch; it is not something that I can control it just ‘flips’ where my feelings are concerned and once it has ‘flipped’ I cannot get those feelings back, even if I want to. I know that it is starting to happen where Rich is concerned. I think of things that have happened over the past few days: when I visited Auntie Edie in Essex at the weekend and she told me that I could stop crying if I wanted to, and that I was worth more than Rich. I did stop crying! Perhaps because Sunday had been the tenth anniversary of my mum’s death it marked a turning point for me, because after that I forgot my phone and didn’t cry right through my counselling session. I knew that these were all signs of me moving on, and I was crying because I didn’t really want to.

I still felt this inexplainable feeling that Rich was crying somewhere; that no matter what he had said to me really he was heartbroken. I could not get that look on his face when ‘her’ partner was telling me what had been going on, that look of pure pain on his face, and I knew that if I moved on it would be such a terrible waste of something. (The first shot is fired….)

As if she could read my mind Jess came round and when  I opened the door I was crying. I explain to Jess that I am afraid that I will respond to Rich’s text and that he will not reply; all those memories of three weeks ago when I called and called him and he just did not answer are back in the forefront of my mind.  I cannot bear the thought that he will do that to me again. But I am angry that Rich seems to think that he is entitled to anything else from the house, and I am sick of checking my phone waiting for him to call or send me a message.

Jess suggests that I text Rich back and ask him what stuff he thinks he should have out of the house and then delete his number from my phone book completely so that I cannot look for his name, or ‘The Arsehole’ on my screen. So that’s what I do, I send a text and then Jess deleted Rich’s number. But Rich immediately replied with a text saying that he wants a stereo, his tools, a telly, some furniture and his bike! That made me laugh, as there was no fucking bike, it had paid for the start of divorce proceedings against him!! (Day nine (Wednesday) I started to fall out of love with you….)

I am incensed that he thinks that he is entitled to anything  and call him, this time he answers immediately. I know, I just know that this is not a happy man, from the tone of his voice and I can here that he has been crying,  and I am so fucking glad. I ask him, “Are you still in love with ‘Her’ Rich?’ He starts to cry.

I’m on a roll now!

“Are you still really happy Rich?” His answers clearly “No”.

“Have you realised what a terrible fucking mistake you have made now Rich? How you have lost everything, me, Tom, the animals, this house, and now you are living in a little terrace I hear, with a door that leads straight out onto the street, you must be so fucking happy!!”

Rich says that he is not happy, that he knows he has made a terrible mistake, that he does not want anything he just used it as a way of getting in touch with me because he thousht that I would just tell him to ‘Fuck Off’. I tell him that all of the TV’s and Stereos now belong to Tom and he cannot touch any of them, and that his bike has been stolen!

I ask Rich why he had wanted to talk to me, what does he actually want. He says that he just wants to talk to me face to face, that he knows that he has treated me so badly and that he feels really ashamed of the way that he has behaved; and he asks if we can meet up that night to talk about what has happened; how we came to be where we are today. Rich says that he has been afraid to come back and approach me because he thought that I would do back to him what he had done to me, that he thought that ‘She’ was the easier option; through it all Rich just keeps saying how sorry he is about all he has done.

I ask him if he is still in love with her and Rich says no,that he was never in love with her, that he had always been in love with me; so I asked him why he told me he was in love with her and I cannot believe it when he tells me that he was trying to  make it easier for me to move on! I say to him that I cannot believe for one minute that he was thinking of my welfare when he said that, even thought I knew in my heart of hearts that he always been in love with me I struggled to believe that he was so cruel to make me feel better. What a load of bullshit!

I ask Rich to come home if he is so unhappy and we can try and work it out;  and he says he does not know if he can!  I just don’t understand why Rich still does not know where he wants to be. One minute he says he is unhappy and not in love with her; that he has always been in love with me and then he says that he doesn’t know if he wants to  come home! Surely it is simple, your unhappy so come home! All Rich keeps saying is that he is afraid; afraid that if he comes back to me I will just throw him out once I know that he has no-where to go.

I agree to meet him that evening to have a face to face talk. Rich will not come to the house, he tells me that he knows that it is being watched by ‘her’ partner so we arrange to meet  in a car park by the beach away from anyone who may know us. It appears that ‘She’ has arranged for him to collect a chair they have bought, and that ‘She’ does not know that he has contacted me; that if she knew she would not let him out of her site.  I am dumbfounded when  Rich tells me that he is afraid of ‘Her’ because has started to realise how much trouble she has caused and how he should not have listened to her; that he has been so stupid to listen to the things that she has told him, and that he knows that now. As I suspected, and as Beth rightly predicted, she had been checking his phone constantly;  and when he did go to work  (which has not been often because he has been so stressed)  ‘She’ had started to ring him to make sure he is there. I am starting to realise that I may well be dealing with a ‘Bunny Boiler’!

All the time I am talking to Rich I am pacing back and forth across my living room. I feel a mixture of anger, relief. elation, satisfaction and fear. Anger because I could still just punch Rich for what he has put me through; relief because I was right all the time when I said that Rich was not happy and that something did not add up; elation because we may get back together, and because Rich is now hiding things from ‘Her’; satisfaction because the happy little home that she clearly thinks she is building with Rich (buying a chair!) is actually starting to crash down around her fucking ears and she does not even know; and I feel fear, in case Rich let’s me down again.

After I hang up from Rich ‘Her’ partner comes over, and he knows from my behaviour that something is different. He asks me if I blame him for any of this and I tell him that I do. I blame him for some of it, him and her; the more I thought about the games they had played the more angry I got and the more I raised my voice: telling him how  I blame them for the games that they have played; I blame him for knowing about it long before he told me; about I blame him because he had waited to tell me, waitied until I was drunk to ensure that he could cause as much chaos as possible. I point out how he didn’t consider me in any of this; in fact how none of them did, and how that was the mistake that they all made; that they have all grossly underestimated me and now I will make them all pay.  Then I tell him to get the fuck out of my house. …………

I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

What goes around comes around part 2. Performed by Justin Timberlake

Moisy

 

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Day nine (Wednesday) I started to fall out of love with you….

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Wednesday 18th April

After my conversation with Rich on the Monday  I went to Mary’s house. Her sister was there and she worked in a solicitors office; I told them what Rich had said about not divorcing him and Mary’s sister said I must start divorce proceedings because if I bought Rich out of the house he would still be entitled to half of the value even though it was just in my name.

I knew she was right, I really didn’t want to but it made sense, so she arranged for me to go and see her firm because they provided legal aid. I had no money to pay for a divorce and even with legal aid I needed an initial payment to start proceedings; so I got Rich’s bike back from Della’s house and I took it to the bike shop at the end of the road and sold it for eighty pounds. With the money from this in hand I made the appointment with the solicitor to commence divorce proceedings.

I could remember when Rich had bought that bike, it was as a celebration of his promotion to a supervisory role.  How ironic that Rich had inadvertently funded the start of our divorce proceedings, a divorce he had said he did not want; for the first time in a long while I laughed.

The mortgage was moving at a pace now and I was pulling together the paperwork for all of the loans that we had, because they had to be paid off as part of the buying out process.I was shocked at how much debt we actually had, and I was determined that I wasn’t paying them all off. I sent a text to Rich to advise him that my initial buy-out offer would be less due to the amount of loans outstanding; as a result Rich then rang me!

As soon as I heard his voice I just felt so much anger towards him for what he had done, what he was putting us all through, how he had turned our life upside down for a woman who had made a play for nearly every other person’s husband that we knew.

So why did it have to be my husband who had fell for it?

I asked him if he was still happy with ‘Her’, and he laughed at me, and said that yes he was happy with ‘Her’, and that yes he did love ‘Her’. It felt as if someone was stabbing me in the chest, but I did not cry.

I asked him why? Why was he doing this when we had been so happy? He said that he had started to fall out of love me the year before and that it had been coming for a long time. Rich said that I had been too needy, always wanting him to show how much he loved me, and it had begun to grate on him.

I’d had enough, as he was talking to me he called me Mois and I told him not to call me Mois, that only people who were my friends and those I loved called me Mois and he was not my fucking friend and was certainly not someone I loved so he was never to call me fucking Mois again.

I was more determined than ever and told him he would get as little as possible out of the house, reminded him of our wedding speeches, when all his friends who knew him called him ‘Lucky Rich’ implying that really he was just  a loser, reminded him of how I did not believe he was a loser; that at that time I believed in him. Then I told him that now I believed that they were right; I told him how my sister had said that they were right that he was just that, a “fucking loser”, and that he could fuck off! I hung up, my resolve to proceed with the divorce and for him to end up with nothing.Then I started to cry; and wondered to myself how I got to this place in such a short space of time?

When I went to visit some friends later that night the oil light came on in the car and Mary’s husband Den sorted it out for me.

Another kindness.

After I got home Della’s neighbour, who had seen me crying in her house, came over. He explained that he had been to France that day and, because he knew I had not been eating,  had brought me a big bag of fresh prawns from Calais and some French bread and wine.

Another kindness.

The kindness of other people was unbelievable and after he had left I started to cry. I could not eat, everything in my mouth just felt like cardboard, and Tom tried to persuade me to eat some prawns with a jacket potatoe; I managed one prawn and three forkfuls of jacket spud. I drank the wine though!!

I’ve lost twenty pounds now!!

 

Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don’t
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there’s no time for joking
There’s a hole in the plan

Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh, you could mean everything to me

Say It Right –Nelly Furtado

Written by Nelly Furtado, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley

Day Seven (Monday) The Battle of Wits

blue sky and sea

I was still having babysitters with me every day so that I was not on my own. My sister and my brother in law had spent the Sunday with me and on the Monday my friend Nel arrived with her little girl to spend the day.  Whilst everyone knew how important it was not to leave me alone I could see that for some found it difficult to be with me and see the state that I was in. Nel especially was finding it difficult because she knew that she could no ttake my pain away. Nothing could.

I was having a washing machine, the one that I had bought on the Friday before the D.Day BBQ delivered. It just seemed so weird that when I had bought that machine my husband still lived with me and now he wasn’t here. I was here, being babysat by people who loved me,  because they were worried for me, worried  because of the damage that had been done by  my husband; the one person that I thought would never let me down.

As the delivery men carried the machine in I could see the look on their faces, which seemed to veer from sympathetic (as if they knew that my husband had left me) to terrified in case they were tarred with the ‘all men are bastards’ brush!  They could obviously see that something had happened to me, probably because my face was permanently swollen and tear stained as I just could not stop crying. As if  to show how sorry they were they offered to install the machine for me, even though I had not paid for that service.

Another act of kindness out of so many.

In the last few days I had contacted our old mortgage arranger Grant, he really was a lovely man and had always had a soft spot for me. As soon as he answered the phone I started to cry and I told  him my predicament; about the conversation that Rich and I had about the house, and how Rich did not think that I would be able to buy him out; of how it was clear that  ‘She’ had thought that she was going to take the house out from under me.  Grant was shocked and could not believe that Rich had left me; saying how he always thought that I would be the one to leave Rich. For the second time someone was telling me that they thought that I had been too good for Rich and that he would never keep me.

Grant said that he would look into what mortgages he could get for me and would come back to me; he confirmed  that he would make sure that I would be able to buy the house and that I would be able to prove Rich wrong.

That morning I had searched the internet and found that I could have a telephone consultation with a solicitor for thirty five pounds. I needed to know what I could get and how much I could screw Rich and ‘Her’ over. I needed to find out the facts regarding any kind of maintenance I could receive and whether Rich could make me sell the house.

The solicitor advised that Rich  couldn’t make me sell the house because Tom was under eighteen; and that because Rich was the main earner in the household and I only worked part time in order to support him in his career, I was entitled to spousal maintenance whilst my son was still under eighteen. In addition I could take half of Rich’s pension as well. I then knew that I had all of the information that I needed to fuck up ‘Her’ plans to take everything from me; in fact I now had everything I needed to fuck them both up completely.

As if in complete contrast to the hell that was my life it  was a lovely sunny day and Nel persuaded me to go to the beach, something I was  afraid to do because it bought back so many memories of Rich and I  lying there together all day; and of the time when Rich had  said to me that he would be lost without me, that I was ‘his life.’

How could I go to the beach now? Knowing it was all crap? Everything was fucking crap!

But I knew that I had to face it sometime so I went. I could see the irony as I sat on that  beach, with the wind blowing my through my hair, the sun beating down on me, and the infinity of the sea in front of me; everything was so beautiful and my life was shit!  I felt numb; this was someone else’s world, it wasn’t mine. I did not know where I belonged anymore.

As I sat there I  received a call from Grant to say  that a mortgage had been lined up and that I was going to be able to buy Rich out of the house;   so  I called my sister from the beach and asked her to call Rich and tell him I was in a position to buy him out of the house. I told her to tell him that I would pay five thousand pounds only and that if he did not agree to it I would take him to court to gain spousal maintenance and access to his pension. I was getting to that point that I did not want to speak to Rich anymore. I just wanted to move forward. To be honest I was exhausted, I had not been eating, or sleeping, but exercising like a maniac and it was finally dulling my brain to the pain, and making me feel as if I didn’t give a shit anymore.

Despite my  phone always being permanently attached to my hand when I got back to the house I had a missed call from Rich, and also a text. How I did not know he had called? I had my phone with me all of the time! It was as if someone, or something greater than any of us did not want me to speak to him.

The text from Rich said “I am worried about you; what are you going to do about the bills?”  I didn’t answer.

My sister called and said that she had spoken to Rich and that he had seemed really shocked that I was in a position to buy him out; shocked that I was considering it. She said that he sounded lost, and really upset.

Fucking upset! What right did he have to be upset? None!

That woke my brain back up, I felt so angry that he had the audacity to feel, or sound hurt. After he had laughed at me when he was with ‘Her’, laughed with ‘Her’ about me, it spurred the fighter in me and I called Rich, only this time he answered the phone.  He sounded as if he had been crying. I asked him if he “was enjoying his new life?” and he said that he was. I pointed out that he did not sound as if he was. I told Rich that I had spoken to a solicitor and with that Rich asked me if I was going to divorce him, because he did not want me to. I told him that I had no plans to divorce him at this time. I just needed to sort out our finances and the house. With that Rich said that he was sorry for what he had done, sorry for hurting me, that he had never meant to hurt me.

So why didn’t he come back? Why didn’t he want me to divorce him? Nothing made any sense.

I could feel the anger towards him bursting like bubbles in my chest, my heart was pounding to such a degree I could hear it in my ears, feel the blood rushing through my veins. I was angry with him for sounding upset, angry with him for saying that he was enjoying his new life, angry with him for contacting me if he was so happy. I told him that I hated him and hung up.

Something was not adding up. Here was Rich telling me that he was happy with ‘Her’, was in love with ‘Her’, and in the next breath asking me not to start divorce proceedings. I thought about how Rich had not bothered to contact me once in the last week, other than when I told him he would be ‘up shit creek without a paddle’;  yet here he was a week later making contact and had said, for the first time, that he was worried about me. I knew then that things were starting to unravel between them, I knew in my heart of hearts that Rich loved me.

Her partner came over to tell me that they were still  staying in Essex with Rich’s family, that ‘She’ had told him that they were in love. I started to feel as if a game was being played , that ‘she’ was telling him, knowing that he would tell me; and that he was telling me in the hope that I would never have Rich back.

Although I knew I should be distancing myself from what I was being told  it was as if I had to know; had to know what was going on, even though it was driving me insane; but what I did realise was that neither of ‘them appeared to know that Rich had been in contact with me, that, perhaps, Rich was playing a game as well now, a game to help him and I…….

Hey, girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away

I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you, babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around ….

What goes around comes back around (part 1)  – Justin Timberlake Written by Nathaniel Hills, Justin Timberlake, Timothy Mosley

Moisy

March 2007 – The Build up to Hostilites begin

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March 2007 

It was Saturday night and Rich was on a night shift.  I was watching T.V.  in the living room, half asleep, when Tom came down and said  “Mum, there’s a weird message on our phone”

I listened to the message it was a text message and I could hear my blood start to pound in my ears as I listened to the robotic voice say “Been thinking about you all day today, can’t stop. I can’t wait to be with you, I want you so much.”

I sat up, Tom was looking at me. “What does it mean mum?”

I lied and said “Probably the wrong number.” But after he left the room I redialled and listened again. Then I checked the number, it was “Her” number. I called Rich, “Why is ‘She’ sending text messages to our landline that say that she wants you?” I asked.

I could hear the panic in his voice. “What? I don’t know! What does it say?”

“I told you to be careful of her, I told you she could cause us damage.” I said. “Is there something going on between you?”

“No darling, there is nothing going on. I don’t know why she sent a message to our house. I have said before that I think we should stop having anything to do with them.”

Rich had suggested that we stop spending time with them, but then ‘She’ would come over for something and Rich would change his mind.

Ten minutes later my phone rang, it was ‘Her’.

“I’m so sorry, I think I sent a text to your landline number by mistake. It was meant to go to this man that I have been seeing. Please don’t tell my partner as I have been doing it  behind ‘His’ back. Please don’t tell ‘Him’ will you?”

My gut told me not to believe ‘Her’so I was cool to ‘Her’ and told ‘her’ to “just forget it”

Later that night ‘She’ knocked at the door, she was pissed, she kept saying how ‘sorry ‘She’ was. I told ‘Her’ to just go home; but I didn’t sleep that night.

When Rich got home the next morning I was up waiting for him. I said how I had warned him that ‘She’ was unhappy and dangerous to be around. We both agreed that we did not want to spend time with them anymore.

We sat at the breakfast bar in our beautiful kitchen and Rich stroked my hand and looked me in the eyes and said “Seriously darling, do you really think that I am going to risk all that we have for someone like ‘Her’? I would never risk losing you I love you so much.”

I believed him. I wanted to.

The following week ‘She’ invited us to their house for a meal to celebrate my birthday from the previous January; because they had not been available to come out for the celebrattions, and to say how sorry ‘She’ was for the text ‘She’ had sent.  Rich said it would look rude if we did not go.

As per ususal ‘She’  kept topping up my glass with wine, I never managed to finish a glass before ‘She’ poured some more. As the evening wore on ‘She’ and Rich went outside for a cigarette, as they always did, and I saw ‘Her’ reach out and stroke him, it was how she touched him, and I knew! I knew!!

I lost  my temper and accused them of having an affair but  they cried me down, telling me I was imagining it. Although I had  accused them of seeing each other, they both denied it and her partner just stood there watching, he did not seem bothered and I thought that it must be me.

Rich took me home, and told me I was imagining things, that I had acted like an idiot and then returned their house without me.

I was in my pyjamas, wandering around the house like a mad woman, muttering to myself that they were trying to make a fool of me, I clearly remember shouting at the poor dog, “They think I am some sort of stupid cunt, but I know”. . I went back over to their house; I was in my pyjamas and dressing gown and  I must have looked like an insane woman as I crossed the road, I was convinced that I was going to catch them out.

But when I burst through the door all three of them were sitting there having coffee. ‘She’ was holding court, as ‘She’ had all evening, saying how ‘She’ had lost weight, how ‘She’ measured us all  to see who was the shortest, me!

But I looked like even more of a fool, standing there in my nightclothes, as they all sat together drinking coffee and it just reinforced the idea that I was imagining it. But now I know I should have gone with my gut!!

Moisy

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

Out of Reach by Gabrielle Songwriters: Jonathan Shorten / Louisa Bobb

Day 3 – (Thursday) Be careful what you release….

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Day 3 – Thursday 12th April 2007 

My poor friend Toni was up all night with me. I was sitting on the end of her bed, going over it over and over it again and again reliving events, questioning things right back to our holidays the year before, when we had gone to their house for a drink and ‘She’ had come downstairs in new pyjamas; how Rich had commented on them. How did Rich know that they were new?

Nothing made sense and my mind was just trying to find a reason, any reason to answer my biggest question. Why?

My friend suggested that I send a text to Rich because She,along with all of our other friends, could not believe this was happening because to them it was clear that Rich loved me so much. We had to resolve things about the house and  bills, our whole life; and I needed to talk to him about what we would do.

So the next morning I sent a text to Rich and asked him to please answer my texts, and call me as we needed to talk about the house. I was shaking I was so afraid that he would not answer me and ignore me again. Little did I know it would be worse than that!

Rich called me, he was very hard and cold towards me as he asked me what I wanted to talk to him about; it was as if there was nothing to talk about and I was just trying to get him to talk to me. I could hear ‘Her’ in the background and when Rich spoke to her he sounded happy and upbeat. I asked him if he was happy and he said that yes he was, ‘very happy’. I just sat there on the outside step of our house listening to this man who I did not know, felt as if I had not known him at all. How could he be happy when he had caused so much destruction?

Rich asked me what I was going to do about the house because I did not earn enough money to pay the mortgage on it. I said that I was going to keep the house and he laughed and said “How will you keep it? On what you earn you won’t be able to afford to!” I heard ‘Her’  laugh in the background as he said it and Rich started to laugh too.

My heart was well and truly broken; listening to this man who I believed would never let me down laugh at me, with her. I realised then that the plan was to get poor, fat Moisy out of the house, take everything from her because she only worked part time and would not be able to survive.

At that moment in time I hated Rich with all my heart. My eyes filled up with tears, but I would not cry, I would not let them know that I was broken; not this time.  Little did Rich know that his behaviour was like putting a match to a pilot flame, it re-ignited a strength in me that I had not had since my mum had died. I told Rich that “I” was keeping the house; I told him that in a few months’ time when he had “fuck all”, and was “up shit creek without a paddle, in a bedsit with nothing but a small T.V,  he would remember this conversation and how wrong he was.” I hung up.

This time the only thing I could feel burning inside of me was anger, and I needed that to win, because I was fucked if that cunt was going to take everything from me. That was it now: A battle and I was going to fucking beat them.

I felt better; the old Mois was coming back.

My sister called me, we talked about things that had happened leading up to the war, and the fact that Rich had brought the house up in the conversation; my sister said that it was clear that ‘She’ wanted my life: Rich, the house I had worked so hard on, and the money from Rich’s job. My sister then said  “She’s run off with the wrong one, because you are the driving force and she should have run off with you if ‘She’ wanted what you had.”

What a fool, she’s picked on the wrong one now!!

I was afraid, I was petrified
Thinking I could never live without you by my side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
But I grew strong
I learned how to get along ….

Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

Took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high….

And you see me somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person
That’s still in love with you

I will survive

Performed by Chantey Savage Written by Mick Mars, Nikki Sixx

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