May 2006 = Triggers, anger and rage
For the first two weeks after Danny came back we both struggled to do anything normal, including going to work. It was as if nothing mattered, neither of us cared if we lost our jobs, our house anything; because everything was already lost!
Danny suggested that we go out, get out of the house, so we walked along the seafront to the seaside town of Bexhill. It should have been a really lovely walk, but to get to Bexhill we had walk along the path that took us through the town of Lowly; this was the place where Danny would meet her for their liasons. This was the place where they would sit and kiss in Danny’s car, have a coffee together, make a fool of me.
As we got near to this pretty seafront town I could feel my heart in my chest beating harder and harder and then working its way up until it was in my mouth. I found myself thinking ‘did they park there and snog, or was it there? Did they go in that café, do those people who run the café know that they were making a fool of me?’ Are those people in the cafe looking at me now with pity, thinking there’s that bloke who used to meet his other woman in here!’By then I was getting angry, people were laughing at me, I knew it, and it was all Danny’s fault.
As we made our way into Bexhill I wondered if they had visited any of the pubs we were going to; did everyone know Danny had been cheating on me? Were they all looking at me and thinking ‘poor cow she doesn’t know that her husband has been seeing someone else.’
As we visited different pubs I got more and more pissed, and the more pissed I got the more that voice in my head played games with me. It told me that people were whispering about me, laughing at me, it reminded me that my husband may well have been to these places with ‘her’; that he may have met and chatted with the people who were in the pub now! It told me a little story of how ‘she; and Danny must have sat at a table in the corner and laughed about what a silly bitch I was. The more that Demon talked to me the more angry I became. I hated Danny for what he had done to me, I would never forgive him, I just couldn’t see how I could.
As normal we had not eaten, because food just held no interest for either of us. Danny could see that the alcohol was taking it’s toll on me, and I think he was starting to feel a little bit afraid; so he suggested that we go to an Indian restaurant for something to eat.
I had always wanted to visit a particular restaurant because the food looked superb, but when we entered all I could think was ‘did he bring ‘her’ here?’
We ordered a huge amount food, I don’t know why, because given that neither of us had eaten properly in nearly two months it was unlikely that we were going to eat a feast now! It was just another symptom of the madness that we both felt; we literally did not know our arse from our head!
As we sat there this little voice kept telling me that the waiters had recognised Danny and that they knew that he had been seeing someone behind my back. By then my eyes were just brimming with tears. I could see Danny was terrified, sitting with his head down because he just did not know what I was going to do at any given time.
It all got too much. I could not stay in the restaurant or eat any of the food that they were bringing out, so I just got up and left. Danny threw money on the table and shouted an apology to the waiter who had by now come up to the table with a trolley full of food, and just ran out after me, leaving the waiter dumbstruck in his wake.
But I was out of the door and although Danny ran after me he could not find me because I had run down a small alley between the old houses in the town; the alleys all linked together like rat runs because they had been set up for the smugglers to use years before; and I knew that it would be difficult for Danny to find me.
I just needed to get away from Danny, away from the town, away from all of the places that may have held memories for him; memories that did not involve me. It was if they were in every building, every pub, and every memory was laughing at me. I needed space, I needed to be on my own.
Eventually Danny found me hiding down the alley behind a wall. I wanted to be left alone because I just had this enormous rage in me bursting to get out; but another part of me wanted Danny to run after me, to show me that he cared this time; because there had been so many other occasions when he hadn’t come after me before. Danny could do nothing right he was damned if he came after me and damned if he didn’t.
I could not believe that we were there in that place, desperately trying to get something back that had gone. I just kept asking Danny why he had done it? Why had he made me look such a fool? Why had he gone off with ‘her’ the person who tried it on with everyone’s husband! Why did it have to be my husband that went with ‘her’? All Danny kept saying was that he didn’t know.
I was screaming at him now, I didn’t care who could fucking hear me, I needed the answers. Danny just kept saying that he didn’t know why he had done it; he didn’t know why he had made a fool of me. How could you not fucking know? How could you do something that was so bad, so cruel and then say that you do not know why you had done it?
My rage built and built with every ‘I don’t know’, how dare he do this to me! How dare he hurt me so badly with someone so ugly! But it was when Danny said he was sorry that he didn’t know why again that I punched him; and then I punched him again with a right hook, and then I just punched and punched and punched him; he let me. I was sobbing uncontrollably when eventually Danny got hold of my hands and said ‘I have to stop you, or I am going to go down’. I stopped, I just felt exhausted with it all, exhausted with the whole sorry drama; exhausted with trying to rescue something that I didn’t even know if I wanted.
I just wanted to go home, and although I told Danny to ‘fuck off and leave me.’ he wouldn’t. So we made our way out of the cute little smugglers alley and hailed a taxi, and by the time we got home Danny had two black eyes.
It wasn’t getting any better.
Just say just say that you forgive me
And make it better
Just say just say that you’ll stay near me
And make it alright make it alright
Just say just say that life without me
Will be impossible
Just say just say you’ll never doubt me
And make it alright make it alright
Just Say Just Say – Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
Written by Asford and Simpson
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
I would love to hear your feedback.
so THIS! I hated going out thinking people were laughing at me behind my back. That was one reason it was important to me that he disclosed where he took that lowlife skank. In the beginning, he tried to give us nice ‘date nights’. There was a restaurant that was ours alone, but in some of those earlier days, we’d have a drink or two and I would start ruminating on ‘how could you do this?’ and a couple of times we made abrupt exits and got into verbal battles in the car on the way home!
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Yep, I can totally relate you just feel so humiliated, and the spin doctor in our head has all the ammunition it needs.
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[…] Now I am looking at this from an ‘eleven years on’ perspective; I have had a lot of time to think, and a lot of time for the emotion to die down; so I understand why at the beginning you may label your partner, or ex partner; I understand how you want to hurt them badly, God knows I did for a long time – not least the black eyes I gave Rich. How can you say you don’t know?!!!! […]
Did u ever find out the reason behind his “I don’t know “? Thats the exact “reason” my husband says. I need to know why to try to get past it and move on!!!! That is literally my story. Although I didn’t live in the same town as “her”. She was the one who went after every womans husband and my husband just happened to be the idiot that fell for her shit. She was also extremely psychotic and physically attacked our daughter on 3 different occasions, made up lies about me so he would leave his family for “her” to the point of having him get abusive to me, and became physically abusive to him if he had ANY contact with me or our daughter. The best part is they met in jail. She lied saying her husband beat her but in reality she is a child rapist. She had him believing that was a lie even though it’s on her criminal record.
Firstly let me say how sorry I am for the delay in getting back to you but I really wanted to think about my answer. Because your question is a complicated one.
In fact only today someone responded to a post on ‘Walkng the Journey’ and said that their husband equates it to being really drunk and then waking up with a hangover and wondering what they have done and why they did it.
I have written often in this journal and in my book that even today (over 12 years later) if I ask Danny he will say he doesn’t know.
There are lots of reasons that I understand now: if he were to tell me things that led him to the ego boost he needed they would hurt me (not so much now as I am too far down the line and my own person) but at the time especially if he had told me some of the reasons I probably wouldn’t be here today. Now I think for Danny’s mind is so clouded because of the life we have that he nearly lost that he seriously wonders himself why he did it.,
Also they have to face up to what they have done and call themselves an idiot (something that Danny has done often) and admit they were wrong. Some people struggle with that.
I am doing the final edit on my book and here is something that I wrote:
My biggest fear though, was if I caught Danny out on a lie I would leave. That is why when I thought of a discrepancy in his story I had to know the truth immediately. But now I know that I was never really going to know the truth. I often refer to the truth as The Unicorn of Truth: it only exists if you believe it. I do believe that Danny was lying to me because he was afraid to tell me all of the truth and hurt me all over again. As the years have gone by I know that I don’t need to know because I should base my life on the here and now and not what happened in the past. Even then this applied but I was far too insane to see that.
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in the club that nobody wants to be in. But I can tell you that there is a lot of support out there now: understanding people who will offer you advice without telling you what to do. Just don’t get caught up with the ‘haters’. I hope my blog helps you and I hope (because you have to have hope in this situation.) that my answer has helped.
[…] So then it started: I started to question Danny about some of the things he had told me; some of the things that I knew were not accurate; some of the things that I knew that he was lying about. Because of my lack of control I was unable to reason that we were sixteen months down the line; unable to see all the things that Danny had done in those sixteen months; and I was unable to lie to myself. I knew the truth and I was angry because of what it really was; and I didn’t really need Danny to confirm it because the demon reminded me that I had lied to myself once too often. Danny was terrified; I had reverted back to the woman from all those months ago who had attacked him; and here we were in the same town and I had lost it again. Read here […]
Today is 360 days post-DDay. We had 28 wonderful, loving years of marriage and we got along beautifully. We never fought and rarely disagreed. He was always so dedicated to me and our children. We were both respected leaders in our careers and in our church. I felt so blessed and proud to be his wife. I was truly in love with my H. Mere months before retiring from a stellar 30-year career, my 51-year-old H had a 6-month affair with a 24-year-old co-worker who is an ugly, uneducated, trashy whore. She is not the type he is attracted to, and we were not having problems in our marriage. Then WHY??? To add insult to injury, she became pregnant with twins. My heart was shattered in a million pieces. Even after months of couples therapy, all he can say is, “I don’t know why. I love you, never stopped loving you, and do not want to lose you.” Then why??? My counselor says I never will know why because even he does but know why. I’m trying so hard to move forward (he is doing everything possible to save our marriage) but I still can wrap my head around why he would do something like this if he loved me. My heart is still crushed.
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Oh Anita I am so sorry for where you are, and trust me a year is no time at all. Since starting this journey of sharing our story and writing my book I can see so many common denominators like pressure trying to get pregnant, adopting, losing their jobs, pressure in the job, feeling responsible for paying the bills etc, in my case H travelling a round trip of 125 miles a day, or a night, working different shifts, pressurised job, feelings of inadequacy. I can reflect on all that now and understand how that impacts. Perhaps your H coming up to retirement was a contributing factor: he felt that he was not going to be of use, was losing his career, that perhaps he was losing a defining part of him. I don’t know, but I do know there are common denominators. If you read our story the woman my H went with was also ugly, and not the brightest button in the box! You will see that the counsellor told me this is very common. It is not about us, it is about what is going on in their minds, and men are notorious for not sharing their feelings. When he tells you he doesn’t know I believe he doesn’t, and as time goes on he will actually find it more and more difficult to rationalise. I share our story up to the first five years to show that the timeframe is a long one. And I understand that it is a ‘should I stay or should I go?’ roller coaster. There is a very good supportive FB site called beyond the betrayal long term reconciliation support which you may find helpful. They are all like minded supportive positive people here is the link https://www.facebook.com/groups/487199722119849/?ref=share
But they understand and there is no judgement just support.
I have also written a post called the demon, and one about questions, you may find those useful. Remember if you walked away what would your life be like, and would you be happier? It was something I had to remind myself of often. Sending a massive hug❤️
I have tried to imagine what my life would be like without him, and I just can’t even go there! We have always been so good together, and I know we can be again. We love each other very much. I pray constantly for God’s favor in our marriage.
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Snallsteps, just take really small steps, and see all the small things. You can do it we-are proof❤️