May 2006 = Triggers, anger and rage
For the first two weeks after Danny came back we both struggled to do anything normal, including going to work. It was as if nothing mattered, neither of us cared if we lost our jobs, our house anything; because everything was already lost!
Danny suggested that we go out, get out of the house, so we walked along the seafront to the seaside town of Bexhill. It should have been a really lovely walk, but to get to Bexhill we had walk along the path that took us through the town of Lowly; this was the place where Danny would meet her for their liasons. This was the place where they would sit and kiss in Danny’s car, have a coffee together, make a fool of me.
As we got near to this pretty seafront town I could feel my heart in my chest beating harder and harder and then working its way up until it was in my mouth. I found myself thinking ‘did they park there and snog, or was it there? Did they go in that café, do those people who run the café know that they were making a fool of me?’ Are those people in the cafe looking at me now with pity, thinking there’s that bloke who used to meet his other woman in here!’By then I was getting angry, people were laughing at me, I knew it, and it was all Danny’s fault.
As we made our way into Bexhill I wondered if they had visited any of the pubs we were going to; did everyone know Danny had been cheating on me? Were they all looking at me and thinking ‘poor cow she doesn’t know that her husband has been seeing someone else.’
As we visited different pubs I got more and more pissed, and the more pissed I got the more that voice in my head played games with me. It told me that people were whispering about me, laughing at me, it reminded me that my husband may well have been to these places with ‘her’; that he may have met and chatted with the people who were in the pub now! It told me a little story of how ‘she; and Danny must have sat at a table in the corner and laughed about what a silly bitch I was. The more that Demon talked to me the more angry I became. I hated Danny for what he had done to me, I would never forgive him, I just couldn’t see how I could.
As normal we had not eaten, because food just held no interest for either of us. Danny could see that the alcohol was taking it’s toll on me, and I think he was starting to feel a little bit afraid; so he suggested that we go to an Indian restaurant for something to eat.
I had always wanted to visit a particular restaurant because the food looked superb, but when we entered all I could think was ‘did he bring ‘her’ here?’
We ordered a huge amount food, I don’t know why, because given that neither of us had eaten properly in nearly two months it was unlikely that we were going to eat a feast now! It was just another symptom of the madness that we both felt; we literally did not know our arse from our head!
As we sat there this little voice kept telling me that the waiters had recognised Danny and that they knew that he had been seeing someone behind my back. By then my eyes were just brimming with tears. I could see Danny was terrified, sitting with his head down because he just did not know what I was going to do at any given time.
It all got too much. I could not stay in the restaurant or eat any of the food that they were bringing out, so I just got up and left. Danny threw money on the table and shouted an apology to the waiter who had by now come up to the table with a trolley full of food, and just ran out after me, leaving the waiter dumbstruck in his wake.
But I was out of the door and although Danny ran after me he could not find me because I had run down a small alley between the old houses in the town; the alleys all linked together like rat runs because they had been set up for the smugglers to use years before; and I knew that it would be difficult for Danny to find me.
I just needed to get away from Danny, away from the town, away from all of the places that may have held memories for him; memories that did not involve me. It was if they were in every building, every pub, and every memory was laughing at me. I needed space, I needed to be on my own.
Eventually Danny found me hiding down the alley behind a wall. I wanted to be left alone because I just had this enormous rage in me bursting to get out; but another part of me wanted Danny to run after me, to show me that he cared this time; because there had been so many other occasions when he hadn’t come after me before. Danny could do nothing right he was damned if he came after me and damned if he didn’t.
I could not believe that we were there in that place, desperately trying to get something back that had gone. I just kept asking Danny why he had done it? Why had he made me look such a fool? Why had he gone off with ‘her’ the person who tried it on with everyone’s husband! Why did it have to be my husband that went with ‘her’? All Danny kept saying was that he didn’t know.
I was screaming at him now, I didn’t care who could fucking hear me, I needed the answers. Danny just kept saying that he didn’t know why he had done it; he didn’t know why he had made a fool of me. How could you not fucking know? How could you do something that was so bad, so cruel and then say that you do not know why you had done it?
My rage built and built with every ‘I don’t know’, how dare he do this to me! How dare he hurt me so badly with someone so ugly! But it was when Danny said he was sorry that he didn’t know why again that I punched him; and then I punched him again with a right hook, and then I just punched and punched and punched him; he let me. I was sobbing uncontrollably when eventually Danny got hold of my hands and said ‘I have to stop you, or I am going to go down’. I stopped, I just felt exhausted with it all, exhausted with the whole sorry drama; exhausted with trying to rescue something that I didn’t even know if I wanted.
I just wanted to go home, and although I told Danny to ‘fuck off and leave me.’ he wouldn’t. So we made our way out of the cute little smugglers alley and hailed a taxi, and by the time we got home Danny had two black eyes.
It wasn’t getting any better.
Just say just say that you forgive me
And make it better
Just say just say that you’ll stay near me
And make it alright make it alright
Just say just say that life without me
Will be impossible
Just say just say you’ll never doubt me
And make it alright make it alright
Just Say Just Say – Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
Written by Asford and Simpson
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
I would love to hear your feedback.