Tag: Repairing a broken heart

The new beginning – Finding me again

 

Tuesday 31st July 2007

It’s not easy but I think I can do it – in getting the unwanted pictures out of my head.

I am now lying on the downs at Tankerton. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing everything out of my mind.

I have had a difficult day today. Not in having those things on my mind, but the sadness.

There are two issues:

  1. Getting the thoughts in my head under control.
  2. The sadness for what I have lost. The grief for the bereavement, for the waste of that love that I had, that I had never had for anyone else.

Time will heal that, I know it. How and what form that healing will take I don’t know.

But as I am writing this, and although I have cried with sadness today (a short cry, letting it all out like Sherri said. It is true it doesn’t last long anymore; no more heaving sobs – not if I don’t give way to it. There’s just grief.) I also know that despite what I have lost I would not want to go back to it:

  • A big fat lump that had really let myself go.
  • Someone who I am starting to see now was very frustrated, angry almost inside. Because what did she have? Everything centred on Rich; and although I was jolted out of that (kicking and screaming at the time.) I never want to be that person again. I don’t like her.
  • A couple who became so insular, so immersed in just themselves. You see Rich would want to go back that (because of his own insecurities, because of his own fear.) I don’t.

Rich has changed since he has been with me – Beth was right, I dragged him up with me. Although he is quite capable himself he does not believe that without me by his side.

In fact, perhaps sub-consciously he always knew I would come to my senses and that is why he thought he could not keep me.

So why am I with him now? I do find that thought popping into my head. Because I know how much he loves me; and when someone loves you that much and you do love them, then why walk away? There is something to work on.

The life we have created together keeps me here as well. I enjoy his company, and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he also gets on my tits.

I had to get on my bike today and come here on my own. Regain my independence and do things on my own. I do notice that when I am with Rich we do both slot into that ‘doing everything together’ mode. I did, however, only realise today how many arrangements I make to do things with other people. This has been a totally sub-conscious thing.

At the moment part of me still wants Rich to ring me, text me, reassure me. But the more I do things on my own the less that will get; and I need to do that. Rich will totally freak, just look hurt and say “Whatever you want.” But not really mean it. That is no-longer my problem.

I am enjoying myself, being myself, confident, self-sufficient, and not constantly thinking of someone else.

I am going to go to the pub on my own and have a glass of wine before I go home; and I haven’t brought my mobile with me; this is me time.

This has really helped.

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

I remember this day clearly. It was a beautiful sunny day, not hot, the wind had a slight chill in it, but there were bright blue skies with small puffs of cloud moving along quickly in the wind; and the sun was warm.

Tankerton is a pretty place with rolling downs that lead down to the beach and sea, dotted with beach huts on stilts. On this day there were lots of people there and I can remember watching them all and thinking how happy they all were, and here was I with my world in pieces, never knowing if I would really be happy again.

But I have learnt over the years that you see what you want to see, and I believed at that time that everyone was happier than me. Obviously that was not true, but when you are in a place where nothing seems to make sense you believe that everyone else has their shit together. Trust me they don’t; it’s the good old demon in your head spinning you a line!

This was such an important entry for me, because as I said in my previous journal entry I believed that we needed to start again, a new beginning and to do that I had to find me; I was right, I had to find myself again.

I had become ‘lost’ in Rich before ‘the War’, everything revolved around him; I worked part time so that I could support him in his career, whilst I renovated and managed the house and finances. I had lived my life for Rich and I knew that I could no longer do that; Rich could be part of my life but he could no longer be the centre of it – I had to be that.

So the start of that was to go somewhere on my own, and the choice is pertinent because I chose to go to the one place where Rich used to meet up with ‘her’ on his way to work. I chose this place because I knew that I had to face my fears to be able to move forward into my new life and to not let my fears and memories beat me anymore!

For me there are three main things in this entry that resonate with me today:

  • That I recognised that I did not want to be the person that I was before, in fact did not even like the person that I was before. When I read this entry it did stop me in my tracks, because I had recognised that even then.

Today Rich and I have looked back at the people that we were before ‘The War’ and we do not like them. How much we drank, the places that we drank, even today we have been talking about how we accepted people’s bad behaviours without question. We both agree that we really were a pair of arseholes.

  • The fact that I have said that I was an angry and frustrated person; because I can see now that I was. The Moira who wrote this entry was absolutely right I had been angry and frustrated; I had not been using my skills to their full potential and because of that I had would get angry and lose my temper at things; or make small things more important than they really were.

After ‘The War’ when I had begun to find myself again someone had said to me that I had ‘dumbed down’ and I knew that they were right: I did not want promotion at work, did not want to work full time, did not want to use my brain because that was the easy way out, and ‘The War’ made me see sense, as I have said in this entry; albeit ‘kicking and screaming at the time.’

I believe today that everything does happen for a reason, and that at times messages are sent to us and when we don’t listen then a lesson is sent to us; and more often than not that lesson is a hard one.  Even today I believe that my sister was right, I was being sent a message, a kick up the arse if you like, to find myself again.

  • The third and most important thing from this entry is that I can see that I wanted to stay with Rich because he made me laugh, because I enjoyed his company, that we get on well together, and that these were the things that made me love him. Real things, not romantic things; sometimes we forget that relationships are many things not just love and sex.

But I also love that fact that I can also see that he “gets on my tits.” Looking back now I probably get on his “tits” as well! That’s life!

I did go to the pub; I sat in the garden on my own and showed myself that I did not need to fear being on my own. That I needed to embrace being my own person, an individual who did not start and end with Rich; and this was the start of doing this. So I had two glasses of wine whilst I read my book.

Moira had started to find herself again and it was crucial to our survival.

Moisy

Image result for images for finding yourself

 

She’s Always a Woman     Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her, as long it’s free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me

Ohhh…she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time
Ohhh…and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind…..

How can you say you don’t know?!!!!

Related image

May 2006 = Memories and Anger

For the first two weeks after Rich came back we both struggled to do anything normal, including going to work. It was as if nothing mattered, neither of us cared if we lost our jobs, our house anything; because everything was already lost!

Rich suggested that we go out, get out of the house, so we walked along the seafront to the seaside town of Whitstable. It should have been a really lovely walk, but to get to  Whitstable we had walk along the path that took us through the town of Tankerton, the place where Rich would meet her for their liasons.  This was the place where they would sit and kiss in Rich’s car, have a coffee together, make a fool of me.

As we got near to this pretty seafront town I could feel my heart in my chest beating harder and harder and then working its way up until it was in my mouth. I found myself thinking ‘did they park there and snog, or was it there? Did they go in that café, do those people who run the café know that they were making a fool of me?’ Are those people in the cafe looking at me now with pity, thinking there’s that bloke who used to meet his other woman in here!’By now I was getting angry, people were laughing at me, I knew it, and it was all Rich’s fault.

As we made our way into Whitstable I wondered if they had visited any of the pubs we were going to, did everyone know Rich had been cheating on me? Were they all now looking at me and thinking poor cow she doesn’t know that her husband has been seeing someone else.

As we  visited different pubs  I got more and more pissed, and the more pissed I got the more that voice in my head played games with me. It told me that people were whispering about me, laughing at me, it reminded me that my husband may well have been to these places with ‘her’; that he may have met and chatted with the people who were in the pub now! It told me a little story of how ‘she; and Rich must have sat at a table in the corner and laughed about what a silly bitch I was. The more that demon talked to me the more angry I became. I hated Rich for what he had done to me, I would never forgive him, I just couldn’t see how I could.

As normal we had not eaten, because food just held no interest for either of us.   Rich could see that the alcohol was taking it’s toll on me, and  I think he was starting to feel a little bit afraid , so he suggested that we go to an Indian restaurant for something to eat.

I had always wanted to visit a particular restaurant because the food looked superb, but when we entered all I could think was ‘did he bring ‘her’ here?’

We ordered  a huge amount food, I don’t know why because given that neither of us had eaten properly in nearly two months it was unlikely that we were going to eat a feast now! It was just another symptom of the madness that we both felt; we literally did not know our arse from our head!

As we sat there this little voice kept telling me that the waiters had recognised Rich and knew that he had been seeing someone behind my back and my eyes were just brimming with tears. I could see Rich was terrified, sitting with his head down because he just did not know what I was going to do at any given time. It all got too much. I could not stay in the restaurant or eat any of the food that they were bringing out, so I just got up and left. Rich threw money on the table and shouted an apology to the waiter who had by now come up to the table with a trolley full of food, and just ran out after me, leaving the waiter dumbstruck in his wake.

By now I was out of the door and although Rich ran after me he could not find me because I had run down a small alley between the old houses in the town; the alleys all linked together like rat runs because they had been set up for the smugglers to use years before; and I knew that it would be difficult for Rich to find me. I just needed to get away, from Rich, away from the town, away from all of the places that may have held memories for Rich, memories that did not involve me. It was if they were in every building, every pub, and every memory was laughing at me. I needed space, I needd to be on my own.

Eventually Rich found me hiding down the alley behind a wall. I wanted to be left alone because I just had this enormous rage in me bursting to get out; but another part of me wanted Rich to run after me, to show me that he cared this time, because there had been so many other occasions when he hadn’t come after me before. Rich could do nothing right he was damned if he came after me and damned if he didn’t.

I could not believe that we were here, in this place, desperately trying to get something back that had gone;  I just kept asking Rich why he had done it? Why had he made me look such a fool? Why had he gone off with ‘her’ the person who tried it on with everyone’s husband! Why did it have to be my husband that went with ‘her’? All Rich kept saying was that he didn’t know.

I was screaming at him now, I didn’t care who could fucking hear me, I needed the answers. Rich still kept saying that he didn’t know why he had done it; he didn’t know why he had made a fool of me. How could you not fucking know? How could you do something that was so bad, so cruel and then say that you do not know why you had done it? My rage built and built with every ‘I don’t know’ how dare he do this to me! How dare he hurt me so badly with someone so ugly! But it was when Rich  said he was sorry that he didn’t know why he didn’t know that  I punched him, and then I punched him again with a right hook, and then I just punched and punched and punched him; he let me. I was sobbing uncontrollably when eventually Rich got hold of my hands and said ‘I have to stop you, or I am going to go down’. I stopped, I just felt exhausted with it all, exhausted with the whole sorry drama, exhausted with trying to rescue something that I didn’t even know if I wanted.

I just wanted to go home, and although I told Rich to ‘fuck off and leave me.’ he wouldn’t; so  we made our way out of the cute little smugglers alley and hailed a taxi, and by the time we got home Rich had two black eyes.

It wasn’t getting any better.

Just say just say that you forgive me

And make it better

Just say just say that you’ll stay near me

And make it alright make it alright

Just say just say that life without me

Will be impossible

Just say just say you’ll never doubt me

And make it alright make it alright

Just Say Just Say – Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye

Written by Asford and Simpson

Moisy