Category: Back Together – just

How can you say you don’t know?!!!!

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May 2006 = Memories and Anger

For the first two weeks after Rich came back we both struggled to do anything normal, including going to work. It was as if nothing mattered, neither of us cared if we lost our jobs, our house anything; because everything was already lost!

Rich suggested that we go out, get out of the house, so we walked along the seafront to the seaside town of Whitstable. It should have been a really lovely walk, but to get to  Whitstable we had walk along the path that took us through the town of Tankerton, the place where Rich would meet her for their liasons.  This was the place where they would sit and kiss in Rich’s car, have a coffee together, make a fool of me.

As we got near to this pretty seafront town I could feel my heart in my chest beating harder and harder and then working its way up until it was in my mouth. I found myself thinking ‘did they park there and snog, or was it there? Did they go in that café, do those people who run the café know that they were making a fool of me?’ Are those people in the cafe looking at me now with pity, thinking there’s that bloke who used to meet his other woman in here!’By now I was getting angry, people were laughing at me, I knew it, and it was all Rich’s fault.

As we made our way into Whitstable I wondered if they had visited any of the pubs we were going to, did everyone know Rich had been cheating on me? Were they all now looking at me and thinking poor cow she doesn’t know that her husband has been seeing someone else.

As we  visited different pubs  I got more and more pissed, and the more pissed I got the more that voice in my head played games with me. It told me that people were whispering about me, laughing at me, it reminded me that my husband may well have been to these places with ‘her’; that he may have met and chatted with the people who were in the pub now! It told me a little story of how ‘she; and Rich must have sat at a table in the corner and laughed about what a silly bitch I was. The more that demon talked to me the more angry I became. I hated Rich for what he had done to me, I would never forgive him, I just couldn’t see how I could.

As normal we had not eaten, because food just held no interest for either of us.   Rich could see that the alcohol was taking it’s toll on me, and  I think he was starting to feel a little bit afraid , so he suggested that we go to an Indian restaurant for something to eat.

I had always wanted to visit a particular restaurant because the food looked superb, but when we entered all I could think was ‘did he bring ‘her’ here?’

We ordered  a huge amount food, I don’t know why because given that neither of us had eaten properly in nearly two months it was unlikely that we were going to eat a feast now! It was just another symptom of the madness that we both felt; we literally did not know our arse from our head!

As we sat there this little voice kept telling me that the waiters had recognised Rich and knew that he had been seeing someone behind my back and my eyes were just brimming with tears. I could see Rich was terrified, sitting with his head down because he just did not know what I was going to do at any given time. It all got too much. I could not stay in the restaurant or eat any of the food that they were bringing out, so I just got up and left. Rich threw money on the table and shouted an apology to the waiter who had by now come up to the table with a trolley full of food, and just ran out after me, leaving the waiter dumbstruck in his wake.

By now I was out of the door and although Rich ran after me he could not find me because I had run down a small alley between the old houses in the town; the alleys all linked together like rat runs because they had been set up for the smugglers to use years before; and I knew that it would be difficult for Rich to find me. I just needed to get away, from Rich, away from the town, away from all of the places that may have held memories for Rich, memories that did not involve me. It was if they were in every building, every pub, and every memory was laughing at me. I needed space, I needd to be on my own.

Eventually Rich found me hiding down the alley behind a wall. I wanted to be left alone because I just had this enormous rage in me bursting to get out; but another part of me wanted Rich to run after me, to show me that he cared this time, because there had been so many other occasions when he hadn’t come after me before. Rich could do nothing right he was damned if he came after me and damned if he didn’t.

I could not believe that we were here, in this place, desperately trying to get something back that had gone;  I just kept asking Rich why he had done it? Why had he made me look such a fool? Why had he gone off with ‘her’ the person who tried it on with everyone’s husband! Why did it have to be my husband that went with ‘her’? All Rich kept saying was that he didn’t know.

I was screaming at him now, I didn’t care who could fucking hear me, I needed the answers. Rich still kept saying that he didn’t know why he had done it; he didn’t know why he had made a fool of me. How could you not fucking know? How could you do something that was so bad, so cruel and then say that you do not know why you had done it? My rage built and built with every ‘I don’t know’ how dare he do this to me! How dare he hurt me so badly with someone so ugly! But it was when Rich  said he was sorry that he didn’t know why he didn’t know that  I punched him, and then I punched him again with a right hook, and then I just punched and punched and punched him; he let me. I was sobbing uncontrollably when eventually Rich got hold of my hands and said ‘I have to stop you, or I am going to go down’. I stopped, I just felt exhausted with it all, exhausted with the whole sorry drama, exhausted with trying to rescue something that I didn’t even know if I wanted.

I just wanted to go home, and although I told Rich to ‘fuck off and leave me.’ he wouldn’t; so  we made our way out of the cute little smugglers alley and hailed a taxi, and by the time we got home Rich had two black eyes.

It wasn’t getting any better.

Just say just say that you forgive me

And make it better

Just say just say that you’ll stay near me

And make it alright make it alright

Just say just say that life without me

Will be impossible

Just say just say you’ll never doubt me

And make it alright make it alright

Just Say Just Say – Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye

Written by Asford and Simpson


Gaining a sense of identity

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After the disastrous meeting with Rich and the counsellor  I knew that I could no longer be vulnerable or allow myself to feel vulnerable. It was clear that Rich thought that I only wanted him for his money, well he could shove his money up his arse I would get my own.

I knew that I had to find my identity now, because, in all honesty, it had been lost for so long. I had worked part-time because Rich wanted me to, I had put on so much weight because I thought that I was safe in the love Rich had for me, after all he had got fat too!  I had gone along with Rich and believed that he wanted to take care of me when in fact he saw it as a millstone around his neck, and blamed me for it.

I had, quite simply,  lost myself and I made a promise to myself that I would never do that again.

By now I had lost so much weight, and even though Rich had come back I still could not eat much, I only had to think of something and the food turned to cardboard in my mouth; I would, literally, have to spit it out. So I continued to lose weight and  made a point of getting on that stepper every fucking day, sometimes twice a day. It wasn’t only about losing weight I was toning up every time I got on it and I knew that I was starting to look good. The more I looked good, the more insecure Rich got. If he thought he would not keep me when I was fat, he was never going to think he could keep me now!

It was also so important to me that I had my own income, that I was self-sufficient and no longer reliant on Rich. I could never allow myself to be in that dependent position again, I could never lose myself in someone else again. Work had already offered me extra hours and I continued to increase my hours where I could. It was difficult because every day, every moment was so hard, all that was in my head was what Rich had done to me, the way he had been with me. But in some ways I used that as a driving force, I was never, ever, going to feel beholden to Rich for money again. I knew that the more I earnt the less of a hold Rich would feel he had in keeping me, so I kept going to work!

We kept our separate bank accounts, and Rich would give me money every month for the bills because they had all been set up from my account. He wanted to pay for all the shopping but I was not prepared to give him anything that he could ever throw in my face again so I insisted that we went half.

But what was the point of it all? I wasn’t happy in this type of a relationship, I wanted a relationship like the one I had before with Rich. Where we shared everything, where we supported each other, and we hadn’t got that now.

No matter how hard I tried I could not see things getting any better for Rich and I; still felt the same as I had felt that day in the pub when I had a conversation with my reflection; and the thought of always feeling like this, for the rest of my life, was starting to drive me insane. Again I thought “I don’t know if I can do this.”


Are we really happy here
With this lonely game we play
Looking for words to say
Searching but not finding
Understanding anywhere
We’re lost in a masquerade

Both afraid to say we’re just too far away
From being close together from the start
We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way
We’re lost inside this lonely game we play

‘This Masquerade’ Performed by George Benson Written by Leon Russell

Counselling – It is he who should be sorry not me!

Sea and sky

The day after Rich got back I called the counsellor to tell her and ask if I could my next appointment so that we could  attend the counselling sessions together. But the Counsellor said that she couldn’t see us both together until she had seen Rich on his own first. I couldn’t believe it! Why? What right did Rich have to anything? Surely this was about me, about what Rich had done to me, and how he could make it right. What a fucking cheek that he was being given any help when he deserved everything that he got!

But the counsellor was insistent so I reluctantly booked Rich in to see her the following week. Neither of us were back at work so I booked Rich in for an afternoon session.

When Rich went to the session I was on tenterhooks all the time Rich was gone. What would he say to her about me? Would he slag me off and laugh about me as he had done in the past? Was he going to talk about ‘her’ and how much he still loved ‘her’? After all he wouldn’t say a word against ‘her’, despite the fact that ‘she’ had now started to call his work trying to contact him.

When Rich got back I immediately asked him what they had talked about; Rich said that the Counselor had told him that he was not allowed to tell me what had been discussed, or anything that he had said; that were  things that he didn’t want to tell me or feel comfortable telling me. What the Fuck! Here I was, I had been lied to for months, I had been made a fool of, Rich had sided with someone else against me, he had talked about me and laughed at me with someone else, and now he was telling me that there were things that he still did not want to tell me. So what the fuck had he come back for? What was the point of it all if there were still going to be secrets between us, more lying, more covering up? Why, if Rich wanted me back could he tell the counsellor and not tell me?

At that moment in time I realised that I needed to seriously consider my position and whether I really wanted to be here; I started to realise that what we had was goneand  it wasn’t coming back. In fact I did not know if Rich was worth swallowing my pride for any more, I already felt as if I was choking! It pissed me off that instead of being really honest Rich had now gone to MY counsellor and talked about me behind my back again.  I was starting to really dislike this man that had come back and questioned whether I was making a massive fucking mistake, and wasn’t it just going to be easier to walk away?

I think that Rich could see the thoughts going through my head and knew that I was on the verge of getting out of the hellhole he had dragged me into; so he said that one of the things that they discussed was that he did not want a joint bank account anymore; that he thought that I only wanted him for the money that he brought into the house. I was shocked, because I thought that we would just be what we were, and more and more it was becoming clear that we would never be that again, in fact, it made me question if we were ever what I thought we were in the first place.

What could I say? I had to agree, he had set up his own bank acccount by now and it was clear that he no longer wanted to share one with me. I was so hurt that he had thought that I only wanted him for the money that he was brining into the house, when I had loved him so much; he seemed to forget all the times I had worked hard and done overtime; he seemed to forget that it was he that wanted me to work part-time. I wondered if he understood me at all.

The following week when we went to the counsellor together  I felt alienated because  Rich and the counsellor had a secret that I did not know aboumt and that they did not want to share it with me; pretty much like the last year really!! I didn’t feel that I could trust the counsellor because I felt as if she was on Rich’s side;  I just started to cry.

The counsellor asked Rich to tell me what he had told her, the things he was frightened to say to me. I could not understand why Rich was frightened of me! Why Rich got to tell me about what was upsetting him, what about all the pain he had put me through? What about my pain?!

So Rich proceeded to tell me how he thought that I was only with him for the money that he brought in every month, the money to pay the mortgage and pay for renovations, that I only wanted the house and not him. He brought up the fact that I only worked twenty hours a week and that I did not want to work more hours than that, and about how this put so much pressure on him. He said that he felt  that I did not listen when it came to the house.

I felt like ‘this Rich’ who had come back had never really liked me in the first place. Here he was saying all the things that had made him want to leave and I just felt ganged up on and alone. I remembered when Rich had told me that he had been falling out of love with me since the previous year, and now he was sitting here saying all these things. I didn’t understand because Rich was the one who had always told me that he wanted to take care of me, Rich was the one who moaned if I worked extra hours at work, why did he do all of that he if thought that I should work more hours, bring more money into the house?

But it was when Rich then told me that he felt guilt towards ‘her’ for leaving ‘her’, abandoning ‘her’ in the rented property; and that he was upset that he had let ‘her’ down, that my world started to reel. Rich had just sat there and slagged me off, he hadn’t given a fucking shit about me or Tom and now he was telling me that he felt sorry for ‘her’!

Rich went on to try and explain that he felt as if, because of his actions,  he had destroyed two people’s lives nowand that it was all his fault. Finally something that was his fucking fault, I am surprised that he didn’t try and blame that on me as well! I was literally gob smacked!! How could he have feelings for her equal to the ones that he supposedly had for me? How could he not see just what a manipulative cow ‘she’ had been? Checking his phone all the time, deleting texts I had sent, lying to Rich and telling him that I had told ‘her’ I had an affair just to turn Rich against me? But no! Rich telling me all of the things that he did not like about me, that had made him leave, but not seeing anything wrong in ‘her’.

I thought that when he came back Rich would just be so sorry, just want to make things up to me, as he always had done in the past, but it seemed as if this was not the case; that he thought that it had all been my fault!

By the time I left the counsellors office I was crying so much I could not drive so we just sat in the car,  Rich in a terrified silence, whilst I just sat and sobbed.

I couldn’t do it,  I could not have him back! So I turned to Rich and told him I couldn’t do it, and gave him  back my wedding and engagement ring. I meant it, I was worth more than this.

For the first time since Rich had come back he  started to sob, big, heart wrenching, struggling for  breath sobs. He was holding onto my rings so tightly they cut into his hand.  As I sat and watched him I knew he was in pain, and yes, I felt glad that he was finally showing the pain that I had been feeling for the past seven weeks. Cry me a fucking river!

But as I looked at him, a crying a wreck in front of me, I knew that I could not break up with him; although I still felt such anger, I still loved him and I knew I had to try, I knew that if we were going to survive it would be me that took us through.

I drove us up to the Downs where you could see the sea stretching out into infinity; it was quiet, and we just sat in the car in a stunned silence. There is something about looking out to see, the infinity of sea and sky that enables you to understand that  you are just a blot on this world, a tiny little pinprick, and all the things that you think are important don’t mean anything at all compared to that vast expanse in front of you

It made me realise that we should try an overcome our problems, because you only get one life and I had to give it my best so that if I walked away in the future I would know that I did all that I could.

So I asked Rich to just talk to me, that I would listen and would not interupt.  Rich asked me not to leave, to wear my rings, he just kept saying how sorry he was. I said how I just felt as if I did not know him that I did not know if I even liked him anymore. But I told him that for what we had in the past I knew that I had to try, and that was all I could do, try.

Over the coming months the ‘Down’s would become somewhere that would become a sanctuary for us both, together and separately. It helped to ground me when I looked out at that expanse of ocean and sky, it helped me to bring my thoughts under control.

That night Rich went to work  for the first time in weeks, and the next day as he lay in bed my head went into overdrive; I had not realised at this time that  the thing it  was a  ‘demon’ in my head that was whispering to me and that this was just the start of a long, long conversation  that would go on for years to come. It was telling me not to stay, telling me I was better than this, telling me I would be so happy if I just let Rich go. I was in turmoil, going over and over what Rich had said, that he clearly still had some feelings for ‘her’ and I was struggling. I have to admit that at that moment in time the main thing that kept me there was that I was not going to let ‘her’ win.

I called the counsellor to make another appointment to attend a session on my own, and she had said that in actual fact she was just about to call me. She explained that she felt that she needed to see me on my own because she did not think that the previous session had been good for me and that she had not fully understood what a strong personality I had! So I went to see her that afternoon; I did not leave a note for Rich to tell him where I was, I hadn’t known where he was for three fucking weeks so now he could sweat for an afternooon. If he thought that I was always going to leave him before then that would be nothing to what he would feel now!

It was the start of the turmoil I would find myself in for nearly a year to come where one minute I was so, so angry with him I would want to punch him the face and  the next I could be calm and rational; understanding that I was the key that was going to keep us together. But I was insane so I would do things like let him think I had left him, leave him to worry and wonder where I was. It was revenge, pure and simple.

At the session with the counsellorshe advised me to  consider if staying with Rich was going to be the right decision for me, because she thought that I was going to move on without him; she explained that I clearly had such a strong personality that she was unsure if I would be able to stay. But this triggered something in me and   I came away realising that pride was my deadly sin, and I was fucked if I was going to let it beat me!!

You told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused with some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it’s your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river – Justin Tiberlake
Songwriters: Scott Storch / Timothy Mosley / Justin Timberlake


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I don’t think I can do this…n

crying eyes

Many things happened over the next few days, including: Rich having to go to hospital, the Police calling our house to make sure that I had not hurt him! – All stories that are in my book, all things that I am sure a lot of people will recognise, including realising that a lot of people you thought you knew you never knew at all!

Neither Rich or I had returned to work after Rich had come home,  we were both just shell shocked at where we were and neither of us could think straight, let alone work.

Despite changing Rich’s mobile phone ‘She’ then made contact with us by bombarding our home with phone calls morning, noon and night. We knew when it was ‘Her’ because if I answered there would be silence and then the phone would go dead, Rich was too frightened to answer the phone, he just seemed terrified of ‘her’. So Tom and his friends started to answer the phone and if ‘she’ asked to speak to Rich Tom would hurl abuse at her; because he had been hurt as much as I had and I knew he one of the biggist things that was hurting him was that he had watced me be almost destroyed.

The mess we weave in situations such as this; with so many people that are affected; and none of us realise just how much.

After two days of constant bombardment, culminating in a phone call from her teenage child asking to speak to Rich, we knew that we had to change our home number to an ex-directory number. Just another thing in our lives that we were going to have to change because of what Rich had done!

Because of the constant intrusion from the phone calls and the police, who had also called at our house at the insistence of Rich’s family;  Jess and Matt suggested we get out of the house and away from all the turmoil and drama.

So we found ourselves in a small village just off the coast, a village we had never visited before ‘The War’. It was something new, something that had not been contaminated by the past. The village had a windmill, and we found ourselves in the coffee shop sitting opposite each other in silence. I thought to myself that we must have looked like a couple who had just met and were not comfortable with each other, or a couple on the verge of splitting up; you could tell from the glances we were getting from the staff that they knew that there was something very wrong with us. They were right, we didn’t know each other at all, there was that distance between us, and I felt as if we were strangers.

Rich was different, more confident in how attractive he was; after all why wouldn’t he be he’d had two people who wanted him, and one was making it much clearer than the other that ‘She’ wanted him around.

I was not sure that I even liked this Rich that was with me; I wanted the gentle and loving man who I had married, not the arrogant fucking twat that was standing with me now!

We ended up a pub called the Crown Inn. It was a beautiful thirteenth century inn with wood pannelling and oak beams; it was so pretty and it should have been somewhere where we could enjoy the ambience and relax. Instead we sat at the bar, and  I watched Rich holding court with the barmaids, appearing to be full of himself. I did not recognise this man anymore, I toyed with going out to my car and driving off without him; instead I went to the toilet to get away from this swaggering arsehole that I was with. I had no idea where my husband had gone, but I was pretty sure that this man with me now was not a man I liked.

The toilets had a bank of mirrors across one wall and  I will always remember coming out of the cubicle and catching sight a woman in the mirrors; she looked like me, but was a much thinner version, and she had clearly been crying a lot recently. My eyes brimmed with tears as I looked at her, I was full of sadness for her, that she had come to this, and she seemed to be looking at me as if to say “Are you going to stay with that idiot outside?”

I remember so clearly looking at her and saying   “I don’t think I can do this.” She looked back at me, with tears in her eyes and said “But you have to try to know if you will be doing the right thing if  you leave. You have to give it time.”

I still don’t know to this day how I found the strength to overcome my pride and go back into that bar. It is as if people can pick up when someone is wounded emotionally, in the same way that animals can pick up when an animal is wounded physically, they smell that the person is easy prey.

The barmaids knew that I was desperately holding onto something and by Rich’s behaviour it looked as if he didn’t give a shit about me either way, so the barmaids played up to it. But I knew one day the tables would turn, because Rich did not seem to realise that they were turning every second, and they were turning in my favour.

Don’t feel pity for me, as you read this book you will become to understand why that person I was at that time did not need your pity, because she was stronger than even I knew at the time.

When we got home we took a selfie of us both together, Rich was grey, he looked ill in it. I looked sad, thinner, and younger than him!! Even then I can remember looking at it and thinking ‘this is killing him.’

As usual we turned to music and alcohol ,the two things that would pull us together over time.

Addendum: A little note from eleven years on…

I have writen and edited these passages so often, I do still feel the emotion at times of what I felt during this time; but it as if it is the emotion of someone else, another strong woman who got me to where we are today. 

Always have yourself – if you don’t have yourself you have nothing- remember that as my story goes on. 

This one bought a tear to my eye….

I have had comments from people already to say that this blog is helping them – and I haven’t even got to my journal yet! So please if you think this will help others please share.

Thanks for staying with me.

Whoa it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it’s not enough to make it all okay
You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real
Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before
Broken Strings.James Morrison and Nelly Furtado.

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May 2007 – Fighting for everything including for my dignity..

broken mobile phone

May 2007 

The day after Rich’s return I woke early I hadn’t slept that well, but at least I had slept! The first thing I did was go into our spare bedroom, where I had left Rich’s phone (I couldn’t bear to have it near me, even though I had turned it off!) As  I turned it back on  it just started to ping constantly,; as if it is broken and the notifications button was stuck.

I smiled to myself when I saw how many missed calls and texts there were – over three hundred – all from ‘her’ (we’re going with a small capital now!) I smile because it is ‘her’ turn now to be on the receiving end of Rich not answering his phone or responding to texts. In fact I have the phone now so the only person she will contact is me!

As I look at all the messages I realise that the woman really is delusional.  The texts are all asking Rich where he was, who was he with, when was he coming home. I knew from our conversations that Rich had told ‘her’ that he was coming back to me, and it was clear that ‘she’ was in total denial.  I started to think that ‘She’ was a fucking lunatic, but little did I know at the time quite how much!

As I sat looking at the phone she called, I could feel my heart beating and the anger build up inside me so I composed myself before I answered, although I could not keep the smugness out of my voice. ‘She’ sounded shocked that I had answered, shocked that I had Rich’s phone; but it did not stop her having the audacity  to ask to speak to Rich; as if I was going to say ‘Oh okay, of course’  and pass the phone over!

Instead I told ‘her’ that Rich did not want to speak to ‘her’; Rich was sitting on the side of the bed shaking his head, he did not want to deal with ‘her’ in any way.

I took great delight in saying that Rich didn’t want to have anything do do with  ‘her’ and  had asked me to speak to ‘her’ and deal with ‘her’. ‘Her’ response was:

“You know he has had sex with me don’t you?”

“Yes” I said “I know.”

“Then how can you have him back knowing he has had sex with someone else?” ‘She’ said.

It was clear that this was her trump card, ‘she’ thought that if ‘she’ rammed home to me that Rich had fucked her then I could never stay. – LIttle did she know that her doing this just made me all the more determined to stay just to fuck up ‘her’ biggest weapon. I took a deep breath and said:

“Because sex is not love and you don’t seem to realise that. You can have sex with anyone it does not necessarily mean anything. But you would never understand that, because you think that when you have sex with people it means that they love you, that is why you sleep around so much! Look at you, nothing but a fucking slag, who still has nobody, because Rich is not with you now is he?

I hung up and turned the phone off!

Rich looked at me and said he was worried about going back to the house he had rented with ‘her’ to collect his belongings; that he needed me to go with him because he was afraid of what ‘she’ would do! He said that ‘she’ would not leave him alone and would follow him about and go on and on at him, as she had over the past six months; and I could see at that moment just how weak Rich was.

I started to realise that this woman was a fucking maniac, and that a lot of what had happened was because ‘she’ hated me and all that I had; things that ‘she’ had never had and would never have; so ‘she’ had set out to destroy me.  ‘she’ had played the game well, but clearly not well enough; ‘she’ had underestimated love; but perhaps more importantly ‘she’ had underestimated me!

I was in disbelief that despite all the shit Rich had put me through I was going to have to go with him to collect his stuff; and help him extricate himself from the quagmire he had got himself into. So I found myself taking control of a situation that I had not created and taking Rich to collect his things.

I took my car; I could never get in Rich’s car again. It was the place that he had met ‘her’, had made a fool of me, and had kissed ‘her’. Whilst they had been together ‘She’ had driven it and it was contaminated with everything about Rich’s time with ‘her’.

I can’t explain how I felt on that drive. How had my life changed so much in less than a month? And it was all Rich’s fault. Here  I was, two stone slimmer from the last time ‘she’ had seen me (all hail the divorce diet), driving down the motorway to the house that Rich had rented with ‘her’. Adrenalin was seriously getting me through at this moment in time and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears.

When we arrived at the house, a tiny little two up two down terraced with a front door opening directly onto the street, it just compounded my feelings of confusion; how could Rich have left our beautiful home to come and live here? How could he have thought this was a better option, that he would be happy?

Rich used his key to open the door and as we walked into the house I could hear ‘her’ calling the police and asking them to come and remove me from the house. ‘She’ had the audacity to shout down the stairs to me and ask me to leave, and I immediately thought of all the times ‘she’ had been in my house, and invaded my personal space! I cannot tell you how much I hated this woman at this moment in time, I wanted to fucking kill her. I told her to “Fuck off and make me!”

Rich began collecting his things and I went to the CD player; I could see all of the CD’s that had been in Rich’s car, CD’s I had bought.  I looked through the window and saw Rich’s shirts blowing on the washing line and knew that ‘she’ did not believe that he would leave ‘her’; and it reinforced my gut feeling that ‘She’ was seriously deluded, and that it was not going to be easy to get ‘her’ our of our lives. I felt completely out of place in this house, I did not belong there’ I was, quite simply, too good for it.

Moving between rooms collecting clothes was surreal: Rich’s dressing gown where it was hung in a ‘his and her’ fashion on the back of a door, aftershaves from the dressing table, scooping up clothes out of drawers,  shoes from under the bed; all the fucking things I had packed up three weeks earlier! I remember feeling as if it was happening to someone else. I looked at the bed that they had been in together, had sex in, and it made me feel sick, it really was like being in a bad dream.

All the time the sun was shining outside, and a light breeze was blowing, and the summer was on it’s way; everyone seemed happy and here I was in a house that my husband had rented with someone else. I was so fucking angry I was shaking and I just wanted to get out of there before I killed ‘her’.

All the while ‘she’ followed me saying how Rich loved ‘her’ and not me, how I was not enough for him, goading me.  I knew that I could really hurt ‘her’ so I tried to ignore her, but in the end it got the better of me and I pointed out to ‘her’ that he would never have loved ‘her’ in the way he loved me, because she was too fucking ugly!

‘Look at my face’ I said, ‘and then look at your face, there really is no comparison.’

Clearly I had touched a nerve, and ‘she’ flew at me scratching the front of my chest and face, which was not a good idea, given how I felt!  I cannot remember what I did but suddenly I had her by ‘her’ hair, it was wound tightly round my hand and she could not move ‘her’ head which I had, by now, shoved into the carpet on the floor; and she’ was screaming that I was hurting ‘her’. Hurting ‘her’! I hadn’t even fucking started! As I lifted ‘her’ head I had every intention of elbowing her in the face until she had no face left. At that point  Rich pulled me off ‘her’ and  pleaded with me to let go because I would be the one who was arrested. As I let go ‘she’ ran to the bathroom and locked herself in.

Howeverm ‘she’ had not finished and whilst I contemplated the steep stairs, with my arms full of clothes, ‘She’ came up behind me and punched me hard in the back and pushed me down the stairs. (I had the bruise between my shoulder blades for over six weeks after the incident.) It was only Rich’s quick thinking, that saved me from breaking my neck; because he caught me, stopping me hitting my head on the wall at the bottom of the stairs, his hand taking the full force. I made for the stairs planning to go back after her, but Rich grabbed me, he knew that I would have kicked the bathroom door in this time, and he was right.

I couldn’t believe my life had come to this; fighting with someone for the person I thought really loved me, who would never let me down. I really was in an episode of Jerry Springer!!

The police arrived and ‘she’ accused me of assault, until I showed them the large red and black weal on my back where she had punched me. Ironically the policeman then asked me if I wanted to press charges! But I said no. I could not bear the whole situation: I could see the policeman looking at me with pity in his eyes and I could see that he was looking at Rich with contempt. I needed to take myself out of this situation, I needed to hold on to the dignity that I maintained throughout the last three weeks.

I asked the policemen if we could just get the rest of Rich’s stuff and took great joy in the fact that they escorted ‘her’ out into the garden and would not let ‘her’ in the house again. After another two trips I couldn’t bear it any longer and I said to Rich that I wanted to go and ‘fuck what is left behind.’

Our world was burning around us and the things in that house just did not matter. So we left behind the shirts that we had chosen when we were on honeymoon in Turkey, the CD’s that we had danced to over the years; but most importantly we had left behind Rich’s Filofax that had all his future shifts for work written in it, his email address and his work phone numbers. Leaving that behind would be something that we would come to regret.

As we made our way back home in the car ‘she’ was constantly sending texts to Rich, asking him to come back, telling him that I would not stay with him, that I would make him pay, would leave him for someone else. ‘She’ really knew how to tap into all of the things that he was afraid of, as ‘she’ had done so many times before;  manipulating the situation so that he would consider leaving me for ‘her’.

I could see from the look on Rich’s face that he was starting to wonder if she was right so I pulled over and got out of the car. I looked at Rich, this man in turmoil, and asked him to send ‘her’ a text and tell ‘her’ to “Fuck Off!”. But Rich just looked at me and said “I can’t, I don’t want to hurt her!” I started to cry and said that he had best walk back to ‘her’ then, but Rich just stood there looking at me; he clearly did not know what to do and said “I don’t want ‘her’, I want you!’ So why he would not just tell ‘her’ to fuck off, why could he not treat ‘her’ like he had treated me? If he loved me why did he not want to hurt ‘her’? He had hurt me enough!! I thought of all the times that Rich had laughed at me, told me he didn’t love me. told me that he loved ‘her’, I thought about the fact that my husband had fucked someone else; of all the things he had done to me, the worst things in the world, and here he was telling me that he could not do the same to the person who had been the main instigator of all this trouble.

But I was not prepared to give ‘her’ what she wanted this time. I didn’t know if I wanted him but I was pretty fucking sure that ‘she’ wasn’t having him either. This time I would play ‘The Game’. So I told Rich to get back in the car and I carried on driving away.

All the way home ‘She’ continued to send texts every ten seconds which just confirmed to me that the woman was a psychopath, and wonder  what the hell had Rich got me into.

As I had told Rich when he came back: giving up his phone was one of the main things that he had to do if he wanted to stay with me. It was a done deal, he changed his phone or his fucked off! I drove straight from that house to a phone shop and bought a new phone.

There we sat in the phone shop, with the young salesman giving Rich the ‘spin’ about the latest phones available when in fact we didn’t give a shit what phone it was, as long as it was not the phone Rich had been using to cheat on me.

When we got back to our house Rich passed his old phone chip to me and I took great pleasure in snapping it in half.

Somebody’s gotta win
Somebody’s gotta lose
Somebody’s got to play the fool

Somebody’s gotta laugh
Somebody’s gotta cry
Somebody’s got to almost die

I’ve asked myself so many times
Why do I always lose this heart of mine

And get nothing in return
Except the clown’s reputation
A broken heart and much humiliation

I’ve asked this question again and again
And the answer’s the same

Somebody’s gotta win
Somebody’s gotta lose
Somebody’s got to play the fool

Somebody’s gotta win Performed by The Controllers – The Written by David Camon


Dignity quote

The Surrender Part 2……

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Day 22 – Tuesday 1st May 

After speaking to Rich on the phone ( Day 22 The Surrender Part 1  ) I had called Mary; she had been with me through all of this, listening to my never ending tears and madness whilst I tried to make sense of what had happened. At the time she was  over an hours drive away but she made the journey back and arrived at my home that evening, just to give me moral support.

We chatted as I got ready to meet Rich; I  knew that I look good, I have lost over two stone and am more  toned  than I have been in years, thanks to all of the hours I have spent on the stepper.

Mary says that she always knew that Rich would come back, because things just did not add up, that you only had to look at his face when he looked at me to know that he loved me. It made me think back to the evening I was told what was going on; of Rich’s face as he was watching ‘Her’ partner whispering in my ear. That is an image I have constantly thought of in the last three weeks, because it was the thing that gave me the most hope. The first shot is fired….

After Mary leaves I wander around the house trying to occupy my mind. I cannot even have a drink because I have to drive; I can hear my  heart beating in my chest again, that terrible feeling that my heart is going to burst is back. It is nearly an hour before I am due to meet Rich but I just cannot stay in the house a minute longer so I go to Mary’s house, for more moral support because I know that this is it, if this meeting does not work out then we are lost forever.

When I get to the car park where we have arranged to meet, Rich is already there, and I am surprised to see that he has lost as much weight as me. I refuse to get into Rich’s car, it is contaminated by ‘Her’ now, so Rich gets in my car and after a long silence I ask him what he wants to tell me and he starts to tell me what had happened over the last few months:

It had started in July the previous year when they had kissed at one of ‘Her’ parties, the very party where I had pulled Rich away from her when I found them dancing together on the dance floor. After that Rich had looked for her number on my phone and had made contact with her, supposedly to say that the kiss should not have happened and he wanted to forget it all. The Background story – Making a new life and there are clouds on the horizon 

I didn’t for one minute this is why Rich had contacted her, by doing that she had his number and he knew that she would pursue him; and that is exactly what she did: bombarding him with texts and calling him as he drove to work.

Rich then went on to tell me that he had met ‘her’ at her brother’s house in Essex in the October of the year before,  in the month leading up to our Halloween party. Rich was supposed to be on a nights overtime but instead he signed out of work and went to meet ‘her.’ I feel sick as he tells me that they had a fumble but that he could not perform and that they did not have sex. All that time they had been laughing at me, lying to me; I think of the Halloween party and how I found ‘her’ sitting on Rich’s lap, of how upset I was, and of how Rich did not follow me when I walked out.  Now I know why, because he had already fucked ‘her’! The fact that he could not get ‘it’ up is neither here nor there.

Rich tells me that after their meeting he had stopped at a service station on the way home and thrown up, because he knew that if I ever found out he would lose me forever. ‘She’ had him trapped now,  because ‘She’ had something that could be used to blackmail him; and that is what ‘She’ did. If ‘She’ text him and he did not reply ‘She’ would make a pretense to come to our house and then threaten him saying that ‘She’ was going to tell me. (This was unlikely because I would have fucking punched ‘Her’ in the face!) But Rich believed her.

The whole time he is telling me his story I am just sitting there looking out to sea with my eyes brimming with tears struggling to understand how my life has changed. We are sitting in a car park, by the beach, people are walking past with their dogs, something we used to do; people are on the beach because it is a hot sunny evening, people are going to the pub behind us, these are all things we used to do; and now? Now we’re sitting here in a car surrounded by the debris of our lives, and I am wondering what the fuck has happened.

Rich says that he tried to stop things, had stopped texting ‘Her’ or answering ‘Her’ texts for months, and that it had only started up again in March of this year. I think back to that month, I had been really ill with a chest infection, in fact I could not shake it and they were worried that I was going to develop pneumonia. As I sit there I realise why I had become so ill, because I had been ignoring the very things that were under my nose. More than anything I could not understand why Rich had gone back to texting ‘Her’ again, Why? For fucks sake why!!

After that they had then started to meet up in the next town along the coast. a pretty small seaside town called Tankerton. They would both drive there separately and sit in Rich’s car kissing. I could not understand how he had been able to  meet ‘Her’  when he was always at work, and I ask him how and when because he would always call me when he was leaving work. Rich said that it was when I was at work, he would meet ‘Her’  before leaving for his shift, or after his shift had finished and he would lie to me and tell me he had been held up.

It all seems to make sense now, the text to our house in March, the times ‘She’ came over to see us because ‘She’ needed someone to speak to, the time when ‘She’ told me that one day I would hate her.

I asked Rich what he wants to do, does he want to come home?  I cannot believe it when Rich says he is not sure that he can do that to ‘Her’, that he cannot leave her in a mess!

I could have punched him in the mouth!  I started to shout at him so he got out of the car, then I got out of the car, all of the people enjoying the sunny evening are looking at us now and  I don’t care! I am so fucking angry with him, he left Tom and I without a second thought and now, after the conversation that we had that morning on the phone when he said that he had never loved ‘Her’ and had always loved me, now he is saying that he is concerned for ‘Her’.  I lose it and  I punch him round the head, forgetting that I have the car keys in my hand, I punched him four or five times, with everyone watching, and I didn’t  fucking care! Rich just stood there and let me.

I’d  had enough, really had enough of being in a soap opera with a bunch of skanks, Rich included! I walked back to my car and get in and just before I drive away I open the window and say “if you’re not back home before midnight tonight, don’t ever fucking contact me again.” With that I drove away.

I went straight back to Mary’s and as I talk to her I realise that I am worth more than the treatment that I have received, worth more than Rich for what he has put me through; when I say that to her she agrees with me.

I am suddenly no longer afraid to go home, it is my house now, I no longer see it as a home that belonged to Rich and I. When I got in I opened a bottle of wine and call my sister; I tell her what has happened and that I really feel that I never knew Rich at all, and that he was beneath me, the Counsellor was right.

At that moment in time I have decided that actually I don’t want Rich back. My sister then calmly asked me “So what will you do if he walks down the path later? You have asked him to come back, and give up his home I think you should consider that, because although he did not consider you, that does not mean that you have to stoop to his level.” That stopped me in my tracks and I have to think about it. I have given him an ultimatum so  I decide that I will have to let him sleep in the spare bedroom until he finds somewhere.

For the first time in a long time I was tired and go to bed at ten, I am not thinking about Rich anymore, neither am I going to wait up for to see if he calls or comes back; I have done too much waiting for him already and I am  not doing any more.  I need sleep, and for the first time in three weeks  I fall asleep quickly.

At ten past eleven my mobile rings and it is Rich calling. When I answered the phone he explains that he has left ‘Her’ and wants to come home. He has parked in the next road and when I ask   why he has parked his car around the corner and he says that he does not want it to be seen.

So I get up and wait for him to arrive, he has no key now, I had the locks changed within three days of him leaving;  he has to ring the doorbell – how apt!  I am in my pyjamas and I don’t care how I look, because I don’t care about Rich any more. I know that even though he is standing on the doorstep I am still on my own.

When Rich walked in it all seemed really strange because he looks uncomfortable in what was his home. It is as if we are two strangers, Rich sitting on the edge of the sofa and me sitting comfortably in my pyjamas on the other sofa, as far away from him as I can get.

Rich then suddenly asked me if I had an affair with my old boss, James. I am incredulous where the hell did that came from!  Rich explains that ‘She’ told him that I had confessed to ‘Her’ that I had an affair with James all those years ago. I just looked at Rich in disbelief, as if he had grown another head, and said ‘No’, and with that  Rich started to cry; because he  realised that he may have lost everything because of  all he has done over the past three weeks, actions that had taken place because of his own insecurities and this lie.

I asked Rich to be honest with me and tell me  if it was him that had called me the night he left, and he said it was.  He explained that they had been in a crummy bed and breakfast place with a payphone in the hall, and when ‘She’ had fallen asleep he had crept down and tried to call me from the payphone. I asked him why he had not called from his mobile, and he said he was afraid to because ‘She’ checked it all the time and would have noticed if he had taken it.

I asked him why he had called and  he said it was because he was worried about me, had found himself in an awful place and just wanted to come home; but when I didn’t answer he thought that he had lost me and  that ‘She’ had been right when ‘She’ had told him that  I had not wanted him all along

I just didn’t know whether to believe him; if Rich felt that way why did he not just get in the car and come home? Why did he put me through three weeks of hell? Why did he let us get to this place we were in now? I just didn’t understand none of it made any sense.

I don’t ask him if he had sex with her, he had already told me he had in one of our conversations we had when he was being a cunt.

I tell Rich that if he wants to be with me there are two conditions, he has to step up to the plate and face his fears about whether he is good enough for me, and he has to change his phone, number, everything.  Rich gives me his mobile and says that he knows she will just keep sending him texts  until he answers, because this is what she always did. I turned the phone off because that will fuck ‘Her’ right up!!

I told Rich that he had to sleep in the spare room; but really I don’t want him to, I want him to sleep with me and I feel so exhausted, as if all of the fight has gone out of me so I  decide to just let him.

As we lay in bed we just talked and talkedand suddenly Rich kissed me, not a full on kiss, a tentative kiss as if he was waiting for me to smash him in the face! But do you know what it told me so much: of  how much he has missed me; and how much he has wanted to do that,  and it tells me he is afraid of me. I kissed him back because I was too exhausted to feel angry.

We then started to kiss passionately and was clear that Rich had an erection; but I just can’t do it, I can’t have sex with him. I have worked too hard to get my self-respect back and I am not giving myself away again that easily.

I pushed Rich away and started to cry, I cannot do it and he understood.

I think for the first time in a long time we both slept.

In the day
In the night
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don’t
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there’s no time for joking
There’s a hole in the plan

Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh, you could mean everything to me

Say It Right –Nelly Furtado

Written by Nelly Furtado, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley


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Day 22 The Surrender Part 1

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Day 22 – Tuesday 1st May

When I got up I did not know if I wanted to respond to the text Rich had sent the night before.  I was tired of it all now, I needed to move forward and extract myself from this ‘daytime soap opera’ that Rich had dragged me into. I was worth more than this!

I had booked a day’s leave from work to clean up the house after the repairs made by the plasterer. It is starting to feel like just my house now, and I feel that things are changing, I am starting to feel that I am now able to make it on my own. I notice that I don’t tend to hear the echo of my own footsteps following me anymore, it is as if the house has quietened the floorboards and allowed me to come to terms with being there on my own; it has become my ally.

But as I start to make my first cup of tea of the morning my eyes start to well with tears; this time because I know that it won’t be long before it is too late for Rich to come back. I have always been the type of person who seems to have an internal switch; it is not something that I can control it just ‘flips’ where my feelings are concerned and once it has ‘flipped’ I cannot get those feelings back, even if I want to. I know that it is starting to happen where Rich is concerned. I think of things that have happened over the past few days: when I visited Auntie Edie in Essex at the weekend and she told me that I could stop crying if I wanted to, and that I was worth more than Rich. I did stop crying! Perhaps because Sunday had been the tenth anniversary of my mum’s death it marked a turning point for me, because after that I forgot my phone and didn’t cry right through my counselling session. I knew that these were all signs of me moving on, and I was crying because I didn’t really want to.

I still felt this inexplainable feeling that Rich was crying somewhere; that no matter what he had said to me really he was heartbroken. I could not get that look on his face when ‘her’ partner was telling me what had been going on, that look of pure pain on his face, and I knew that if I moved on it would be such a terrible waste of something. (The first shot is fired….)

As if she could read my mind Jess came round and when  I opened the door I was crying. I explain to Jess that I am afraid that I will respond to Rich’s text and that he will not reply; all those memories of three weeks ago when I called and called him and he just did not answer are back in the forefront of my mind.  I cannot bear the thought that he will do that to me again. But I am angry that Rich seems to think that he is entitled to anything else from the house, and I am sick of checking my phone waiting for him to call or send me a message.

Jess suggests that I text Rich back and ask him what stuff he thinks he should have out of the house and then delete his number from my phone book completely so that I cannot look for his name, or ‘The Arsehole’ on my screen. So that’s what I do, I send a text and then Jess deleted Rich’s number. But Rich immediately replied with a text saying that he wants a stereo, his tools, a telly, some furniture and his bike! That made me laugh, as there was no fucking bike, it had paid for the start of divorce proceedings against him!! (Day nine (Wednesday) I started to fall out of love with you….)

I am incensed that he thinks that he is entitled to anything  and call him, this time he answers immediately. I know, I just know that this is not a happy man, from the tone of his voice and I can here that he has been crying,  and I am so fucking glad. I ask him, “Are you still in love with ‘Her’ Rich?’ He starts to cry.

I’m on a roll now!

“Are you still really happy Rich?” His answers clearly “No”.

“Have you realised what a terrible fucking mistake you have made now Rich? How you have lost everything, me, Tom, the animals, this house, and now you are living in a little terrace I hear, with a door that leads straight out onto the street, you must be so fucking happy!!”

Rich says that he is not happy, that he knows he has made a terrible mistake, that he does not want anything he just used it as a way of getting in touch with me because he thousht that I would just tell him to ‘Fuck Off’. I tell him that all of the TV’s and Stereos now belong to Tom and he cannot touch any of them, and that his bike has been stolen!

I ask Rich why he had wanted to talk to me, what does he actually want. He says that he just wants to talk to me face to face, that he knows that he has treated me so badly and that he feels really ashamed of the way that he has behaved; and he asks if we can meet up that night to talk about what has happened; how we came to be where we are today. Rich says that he has been afraid to come back and approach me because he thought that I would do back to him what he had done to me, that he thought that ‘She’ was the easier option; through it all Rich just keeps saying how sorry he is about all he has done.

I ask him if he is still in love with her and Rich says no,that he was never in love with her, that he had always been in love with me; so I asked him why he told me he was in love with her and I cannot believe it when he tells me that he was trying to  make it easier for me to move on! I say to him that I cannot believe for one minute that he was thinking of my welfare when he said that, even thought I knew in my heart of hearts that he always been in love with me I struggled to believe that he was so cruel to make me feel better. What a load of bullshit!

I ask Rich to come home if he is so unhappy and we can try and work it out;  and he says he does not know if he can!  I just don’t understand why Rich still does not know where he wants to be. One minute he says he is unhappy and not in love with her; that he has always been in love with me and then he says that he doesn’t know if he wants to  come home! Surely it is simple, your unhappy so come home! All Rich keeps saying is that he is afraid; afraid that if he comes back to me I will just throw him out once I know that he has no-where to go.

I agree to meet him that evening to have a face to face talk. Rich will not come to the house, he tells me that he knows that it is being watched by ‘her’ partner so we arrange to meet  in a car park by the beach away from anyone who may know us. It appears that ‘She’ has arranged for him to collect a chair they have bought, and that ‘She’ does not know that he has contacted me; that if she knew she would not let him out of her site.  I am dumbfounded when  Rich tells me that he is afraid of ‘Her’ because has started to realise how much trouble she has caused and how he should not have listened to her; that he has been so stupid to listen to the things that she has told him, and that he knows that now. As I suspected, and as Beth rightly predicted, she had been checking his phone constantly;  and when he did go to work  (which has not been often because he has been so stressed)  ‘She’ had started to ring him to make sure he is there. I am starting to realise that I may well be dealing with a ‘Bunny Boiler’!

All the time I am talking to Rich I am pacing back and forth across my living room. I feel a mixture of anger, relief. elation, satisfaction and fear. Anger because I could still just punch Rich for what he has put me through; relief because I was right all the time when I said that Rich was not happy and that something did not add up; elation because we may get back together, and because Rich is now hiding things from ‘Her’; satisfaction because the happy little home that she clearly thinks she is building with Rich (buying a chair!) is actually starting to crash down around her fucking ears and she does not even know; and I feel fear, in case Rich let’s me down again.

After I hang up from Rich ‘Her’ partner comes over, and he knows from my behaviour that something is different. He asks me if I blame him for any of this and I tell him that I do. I blame him for some of it, him and her; the more I thought about the games they had played the more angry I got and the more I raised my voice: telling him how  I blame them for the games that they have played; I blame him for knowing about it long before he told me; about I blame him because he had waited to tell me, waitied until I was drunk to ensure that he could cause as much chaos as possible. I point out how he didn’t consider me in any of this; in fact how none of them did, and how that was the mistake that they all made; that they have all grossly underestimated me and now I will make them all pay.  Then I tell him to get the fuck out of my house. …………

I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

What goes around comes around part 2. Performed by Justin Timberlake



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