Back Together - just

Day 22 The Surrender Part 1

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Day 22 – Tuesday 1st May

When I got up I did not know if I wanted to respond to the text Rich had sent the night before.  I was tired of it all now, I needed to move forward and extract myself from this ‘daytime soap opera’ that Rich had dragged me into. I was worth more than this!

I had booked a day’s leave from work to clean up the house after the repairs made by the plasterer. It is starting to feel like just my house now, and I feel that things are changing, I am starting to feel that I am now able to make it on my own. I notice that I don’t tend to hear the echo of my own footsteps following me anymore, it is as if the house has quietened the floorboards and allowed me to come to terms with being there on my own; it has become my ally.

But as I start to make my first cup of tea of the morning my eyes start to well with tears; this time because I know that it won’t be long before it is too late for Rich to come back. I have always been the type of person who seems to have an internal switch; it is not something that I can control it just ‘flips’ where my feelings are concerned and once it has ‘flipped’ I cannot get those feelings back, even if I want to. I know that it is starting to happen where Rich is concerned. I think of things that have happened over the past few days: when I visited Auntie Edie in Essex at the weekend and she told me that I could stop crying if I wanted to, and that I was worth more than Rich. I did stop crying! Perhaps because Sunday had been the tenth anniversary of my mum’s death it marked a turning point for me, because after that I forgot my phone and didn’t cry right through my counselling session. I knew that these were all signs of me moving on, and I was crying because I didn’t really want to.

I still felt this inexplainable feeling that Rich was crying somewhere; that no matter what he had said to me really he was heartbroken. I could not get that look on his face when ‘her’ partner was telling me what had been going on, that look of pure pain on his face, and I knew that if I moved on it would be such a terrible waste of something. (The first shot is fired….)

As if she could read my mind Jess came round and when  I opened the door I was crying. I explain to Jess that I am afraid that I will respond to Rich’s text and that he will not reply; all those memories of three weeks ago when I called and called him and he just did not answer are back in the forefront of my mind.  I cannot bear the thought that he will do that to me again. But I am angry that Rich seems to think that he is entitled to anything else from the house, and I am sick of checking my phone waiting for him to call or send me a message.

Jess suggests that I text Rich back and ask him what stuff he thinks he should have out of the house and then delete his number from my phone book completely so that I cannot look for his name, or ‘The Arsehole’ on my screen. So that’s what I do, I send a text and then Jess deleted Rich’s number. But Rich immediately replied with a text saying that he wants a stereo, his tools, a telly, some furniture and his bike! That made me laugh, as there was no fucking bike, it had paid for the start of divorce proceedings against him!! (Day nine (Wednesday) I started to fall out of love with you….)

I am incensed that he thinks that he is entitled to anything  and call him, this time he answers immediately. I know, I just know that this is not a happy man, from the tone of his voice and I can here that he has been crying,  and I am so fucking glad. I ask him, “Are you still in love with ‘Her’ Rich?’ He starts to cry.

I’m on a roll now!

“Are you still really happy Rich?” His answers clearly “No”.

“Have you realised what a terrible fucking mistake you have made now Rich? How you have lost everything, me, Tom, the animals, this house, and now you are living in a little terrace I hear, with a door that leads straight out onto the street, you must be so fucking happy!!”

Rich says that he is not happy, that he knows he has made a terrible mistake, that he does not want anything he just used it as a way of getting in touch with me because he thousht that I would just tell him to ‘Fuck Off’. I tell him that all of the TV’s and Stereos now belong to Tom and he cannot touch any of them, and that his bike has been stolen!

I ask Rich why he had wanted to talk to me, what does he actually want. He says that he just wants to talk to me face to face, that he knows that he has treated me so badly and that he feels really ashamed of the way that he has behaved; and he asks if we can meet up that night to talk about what has happened; how we came to be where we are today. Rich says that he has been afraid to come back and approach me because he thought that I would do back to him what he had done to me, that he thought that ‘She’ was the easier option; through it all Rich just keeps saying how sorry he is about all he has done.

I ask him if he is still in love with her and Rich says no,that he was never in love with her, that he had always been in love with me; so I asked him why he told me he was in love with her and I cannot believe it when he tells me that he was trying to  make it easier for me to move on! I say to him that I cannot believe for one minute that he was thinking of my welfare when he said that, even thought I knew in my heart of hearts that he always been in love with me I struggled to believe that he was so cruel to make me feel better. What a load of bullshit!

I ask Rich to come home if he is so unhappy and we can try and work it out;  and he says he does not know if he can!  I just don’t understand why Rich still does not know where he wants to be. One minute he says he is unhappy and not in love with her; that he has always been in love with me and then he says that he doesn’t know if he wants to  come home! Surely it is simple, your unhappy so come home! All Rich keeps saying is that he is afraid; afraid that if he comes back to me I will just throw him out once I know that he has no-where to go.

I agree to meet him that evening to have a face to face talk. Rich will not come to the house, he tells me that he knows that it is being watched by ‘her’ partner so we arrange to meet  in a car park by the beach away from anyone who may know us. It appears that ‘She’ has arranged for him to collect a chair they have bought, and that ‘She’ does not know that he has contacted me; that if she knew she would not let him out of her site.  I am dumbfounded when  Rich tells me that he is afraid of ‘Her’ because has started to realise how much trouble she has caused and how he should not have listened to her; that he has been so stupid to listen to the things that she has told him, and that he knows that now. As I suspected, and as Beth rightly predicted, she had been checking his phone constantly;  and when he did go to work  (which has not been often because he has been so stressed)  ‘She’ had started to ring him to make sure he is there. I am starting to realise that I may well be dealing with a ‘Bunny Boiler’!

All the time I am talking to Rich I am pacing back and forth across my living room. I feel a mixture of anger, relief. elation, satisfaction and fear. Anger because I could still just punch Rich for what he has put me through; relief because I was right all the time when I said that Rich was not happy and that something did not add up; elation because we may get back together, and because Rich is now hiding things from ‘Her’; satisfaction because the happy little home that she clearly thinks she is building with Rich (buying a chair!) is actually starting to crash down around her fucking ears and she does not even know; and I feel fear, in case Rich let’s me down again.

After I hang up from Rich ‘Her’ partner comes over, and he knows from my behaviour that something is different. He asks me if I blame him for any of this and I tell him that I do. I blame him for some of it, him and her; the more I thought about the games they had played the more angry I got and the more I raised my voice: telling him how  I blame them for the games that they have played; I blame him for knowing about it long before he told me; about I blame him because he had waited to tell me, waitied until I was drunk to ensure that he could cause as much chaos as possible. I point out how he didn’t consider me in any of this; in fact how none of them did, and how that was the mistake that they all made; that they have all grossly underestimated me and now I will make them all pay.  Then I tell him to get the fuck out of my house. …………

I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

What goes around comes around part 2. Performed by Justin Timberlake

Moisy

 

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2 replies »

  1. You wanted him to come home right from the start. I didn’t! Mine refused to leave in spite of me telling (yelling at him) to daily. We were in such a bad place, if he had left before we had actually sat down to talk, how different things would be today…

    Liked by 1 person

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