Wednesday 18th April
After my conversation with Rich on the Monday I went to Mary’s house. Her sister was there and she worked in a solicitors office; I told them what Rich had said about not divorcing him and Mary’s sister said I must start divorce proceedings because if I bought Rich out of the house he would still be entitled to half of the value even though it was just in my name.
I knew she was right, I really didn’t want to but it made sense, so she arranged for me to go and see her firm because they provided legal aid. I had no money to pay for a divorce and even with legal aid I needed an initial payment to start proceedings; so I got Rich’s bike back from Della’s house and I took it to the bike shop at the end of the road and sold it for eighty pounds. With the money from this in hand I made the appointment with the solicitor to commence divorce proceedings.
I could remember when Rich had bought that bike, it was as a celebration of his promotion to a supervisory role. How ironic that Rich had inadvertently funded the start of our divorce proceedings, a divorce he had said he did not want; for the first time in a long while I laughed.
The mortgage was moving at a pace now and I was pulling together the paperwork for all of the loans that we had, because they had to be paid off as part of the buying out process.I was shocked at how much debt we actually had, and I was determined that I wasn’t paying them all off. I sent a text to Rich to advise him that my initial buy-out offer would be less due to the amount of loans outstanding; as a result Rich then rang me!
As soon as I heard his voice I just felt so much anger towards him for what he had done, what he was putting us all through, how he had turned our life upside down for a woman who had made a play for nearly every other person’s husband that we knew.
So why did it have to be my husband who had fell for it?
I asked him if he was still happy with ‘Her’, and he laughed at me, and said that yes he was happy with ‘Her’, and that yes he did love ‘Her’. It felt as if someone was stabbing me in the chest, but I did not cry.
I asked him why? Why was he doing this when we had been so happy? He said that he had started to fall out of love me the year before and that it had been coming for a long time. Rich said that I had been too needy, always wanting him to show how much he loved me, and it had begun to grate on him.
I’d had enough, as he was talking to me he called me Mois and I told him not to call me Mois, that only people who were my friends and those I loved called me Mois and he was not my fucking friend and was certainly not someone I loved so he was never to call me fucking Mois again.
I was more determined than ever and told him he would get as little as possible out of the house, reminded him of our wedding speeches, when all his friends who knew him called him ‘Lucky Rich’ implying that really he was just a loser, reminded him of how I did not believe he was a loser; that at that time I believed in him. Then I told him that now I believed that they were right; I told him how my sister had said that they were right that he was just that, a “fucking loser”, and that he could fuck off! I hung up, my resolve to proceed with the divorce and for him to end up with nothing.Then I started to cry; and wondered to myself how I got to this place in such a short space of time?
When I went to visit some friends later that night the oil light came on in the car and Mary’s husband Den sorted it out for me.
After I got home Della’s neighbour, who had seen me crying in her house, came over. He explained that he had been to France that day and, because he knew I had not been eating, had brought me a big bag of fresh prawns from Calais and some French bread and wine.
The kindness of other people was unbelievable and after he had left I started to cry. I could not eat, everything in my mouth just felt like cardboard, and Tom tried to persuade me to eat some prawns with a jacket potatoe; I managed one prawn and three forkfuls of jacket spud. I drank the wine though!!
I’ve lost twenty pounds now!!
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don’t
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there’s no time for joking
There’s a hole in the plan
Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh, you could mean everything to me
Say It Right –Nelly Furtado
Written by Nelly Furtado, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley