April – Monday
I was still having babysitters with me every day so that I was not on my own. My sister and my brother in law had spent the Sunday with me and on the Monday my friend Nel arrived with her little girl to spend the day. Whilst everyone knew how important it was not to leave me alone I could see that for some found it difficult to be with me and see the state that I was in. Nel especially was finding it difficult because she knew that she could no take my pain away. Nothing could.
I was having a washing machine delivered. I had bought it on the Friday before the Dday BBQ . It was not lost on me how weird it was that when I had bought it my husband still lived with me and now he wasn’t here, and yet it had been only ten days since. Now I was here: being babysat by people who loved me because they were worried for me, worried because of the damage that had been done by my husband; the one person that I thought would never let me down.
As the delivery men carried the machine in I could see the look on their faces, which seemed to veer from sympathetic (as if they knew that my husband had left me) to terrified in case they were tarred with the ‘all men are bastards’ brush! They could obviously see that something had happened to me, probably because my face was permanently swollen and tear stained as I just could not stop crying. As if to show how sorry they were they offered to install the machine for me, even though I had not paid for that service.
Another act of kindness out of so many.
Over the previous few days I had contacted our old mortgage arranger Grant, he really was a lovely man and had always had a soft spot for me. As soon as he answered the phone I started to cry and I told him my predicament: about the conversation that Danny and I had about the house, and how Danny did not think that I would be able to buy him out; of how it was clear that ‘She’ had thought that she was going to take the house out from under me. Grant was shocked and could not believe that Danny had left me; saying how he always thought that I would be the one to leave Danny. For the second time someone was telling me that they thought that I had been too good for Danny and that he would never keep me.
Grant said that he would look into what mortgages he could get for me and would come back to me; he assured me that he would make sure that I would be able to buy the house and that I would be able to prove Danny wrong.
That morning I had searched the internet and found that I could have a telephone consultation with a solicitor for thirty five pounds. I needed to know what I could get and how much I could screw Danny and ‘Her’ over. I needed to find out the facts regarding any kind of maintenance I could receive and whether Danny could make me sell the house.
The solicitor advised that Danny couldn’t make me sell the house because Ethan was under eighteen; and that because Danny was the main earner in the household, and I only worked part time in order to support him in his career, I was entitled to spousal maintenance whilst my son was still under eighteen. In addition I could take half of Danny’s pension as well. I then knew that I had all of the information that I needed to fuck up ‘Her’ plans to take everything from me; in fact I now had everything I needed to fuck them both up completely.
As if in complete contrast to the hell that was my life it was a lovely sunny day and Nel persuaded me to go to the beach; this was something I was afraid to do because it bought back so many memories of Danny and I lying there together all day; and of the time when Danny had said to me that he would be lost without me, that I was ‘his life.’
How could I go to the beach now? Knowing it was all crap? Everything was fucking crap!
But I knew that I had to face it sometime so I went. I could see the irony as I sat on that beach, with the wind blowing through my hair, the sun beating down on me, and the infinity of the sea in front of me; everything was so beautiful and my life was shit! I felt numb! This was someone else’s world, it wasn’t mine. I did not know where I belonged anymore.
As I sat there I received a call from Grant to say that a mortgage had been lined up and that I was going to be able to buy Danny out of the house; so I called my sister from the beach and asked her to call Danny and tell him I was in a position to buy him out of the house. I told her to tell him that I would pay five thousand pounds only and that if he did not agree to it I would take him to court to gain spousal maintenance and access to his pension. I was getting to that point that I did not want to speak to Danny anymore. I just wanted to move forward. To be honest I was exhausted, I had not been eating, or sleeping, but exercising like a maniac and it was finally dulling my brain to the pain, and making me feel as if I didn’t give a shit anymore.
Despite my phone always being permanently attached to my hand when I got back to the house I had a missed call from Danny and also a text. I did not know he had called even though I had my phone with me all of the time! It was as if someone, or something greater than any of us did not want me to speak to him.
The text from Danny said “I am worried about you; what are you going to do about the bills?” I didn’t answer.
My sister called and said that she had spoken to Danny and that he had seemed really shocked that I was in a position to buy him out; shocked that I was considering it. She said that he sounded lost, and really upset.
Fucking upset! What right did he have to be upset? None!
That woke my brain back up, I felt so angry that he had the audacity to feel or sound hurt. After he had laughed at me when he was with ‘Her’, laughed with ‘Her’ about me. It spurred the fighter in me and I called Danny only this time he answered the phone. He sounded as if he had been crying. I asked him if he “was enjoying his new life?” He said that he was. I pointed out that he did not sound as if he was. I told him that I had spoken to a solicitor and with that Danny asked me if I was going to divorce him, because he did not want me to. I told him that I had no plans to divorce him at this time. I just needed to sort out our finances and the house. With that Danny said that he was sorry for what he had done, sorry for hurting me, that he had never meant to hurt me.
So why didn’t he come back? Why didn’t he want me to divorce him? Nothing made any sense.
I could feel the anger towards him bursting like bubbles in my chest, my heart was pounding to such a degree I could hear it in my ears, feel the blood rushing through my veins. I was angry with him for sounding upset, angry with him for saying that he was enjoying his new life, angry with him for contacting me if he was so happy. I told him that I hated him and hung up.
Something was not adding up. Here was Danny telling me that he was happy with ‘Her’, was in love with ‘Her’, and in the next breath asking me not to start divorce proceedings. I thought about how Danny had not bothered to contact me once in the last week, other than when I told him he would be ‘up shit creek without a paddle’; yet here he was a week later making contact and had said, for the first time, that he was worried about me. I knew then that things were starting to unravel between them, I knew in my heart of hearts that Danny loved me.
Her partner came over to tell me that they were still staying in London with Rich’s family, and that ‘She’ had told him that they were in love. I started to feel as if a game was being played: that ‘she’ was telling him, knowing that he would tell me; and that he was telling me in the hope that I would never have Danny back.
Although I knew I should be distancing myself from what I was being told it was as if I had to know; had to know what was going on, even though it was driving me insane. But what I did realise was that neither of ‘them appeared to know that Danny had been in contact with me, and that, perhaps, Danny was playing a game as well now, a game to help him and I…….
Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around ….
What goes around comes back around (part 1) – Justin Timberlake Written by Nathaniel Hills, Justin Timberlake, Timothy Mosley
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect