Category: The twenty one days

Diary of the twenty one days we were apart, and boy did I get stronger

Journal Entry: ‘Trickle Truth’ – When did it really start?

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Monday 18th June 2007

I told Rich on Saturday that I wanted to get ‘that’ love affair back – and I do. We had a good evening this evening and Rich took my car to work because he hates driving his so much.

But yesterday I had a bad day, and that is what gets to me so much, the highs and then the terrible lows.

Rich told me on Saturday that he had cried at work with the boys in his gang.  He had told them about our argument on Friday, but we did laugh that I had lobbed his phone at his head!

But yesterday I just had a really bad day. I was decorating (not good because the thoughts keep whizzing round your head).

Why did he do it?

Why did he start to see ‘Her’ again in March?

I checked his phone bill right back to last June, as Rich had told me to do to prove he had not been texting Her. But of course she had a different phone then – how could I check?  And that made me angry, because he knew that. So does that mean that he is still lying to me about what happened?

I could also see that it all started again on the 28th of February. All the texts, and it really upset me, my heart was pounding in my chest again. 

I had a big chat with Tom (always so astute)! He told me I must let it go and see what I have now. But the hurt is so bad.

Tom said I that he could see that Rich loved me so much and I just looked at him as if to say ‘your joking right?’ But I had to laugh when he said to me ‘Mum! You’re not an easy person to come back to!’ 

Anyway I got the decorating done and never rang Rich all day. He didn’t ring me, apart from to say he was on his way home. I swore to myself that I would not bring it up; that I could act. But I couldn’t.

I did bring up not being able to find the number and that I thought that Rich had deliberately set me up to look, thinking I was still a silly bitch and wouldn’t remember that she had changed ‘her’ phone. 

I told Rich that for us to survive I have to know he is not still lying to me about anything. But he swears he is not. I explained and showed him how I remember things – like he now says  that he did not meet up with Her at Tankerton until the March. That they had only communicated by phone in the September and October. But then I remembered that he said she had asked him to meet Her when he first text Her in the July to say the kiss was a mistake. So is he now lying again?

Why did he ever text her? Why did he contact her at all? None of it added up.

See!! What do I do? I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let it go and concentrate on now.

I explained to Rich how it has affected me – my wedding photos mean nothing, you might as well throw my dress away because when I look at them they mean nothing.

That I look back on the last nine years and feel that what I had never actually existed, it was just crap. (But as I am writing this I realise that there must be something, or I would not be here.)

I want to stay but that is how I feel.

I know that Rich went up to the toilet and cried. I cried.

When Rich came back down we talked – something that Rich must continue to do. Even though he told me he does not cry anymore he told me he had lied. That he needs to go to the Doctor for anti-depressants because he feels so down; that he cried yesterday when he had sent his gang home from work.  That he cried every day because his gut feeling is that he has lost me, that he is picking up that vibe, and that he cannot live without me. That he has suicidal thoughts – that he was thinking that  if he got run over by a train whilst at work,  I would be able to get over him because it is a different bereavement, and financially I would be ok. That he sat on track yesterday without his high-visibility gear on, crying.

So now I have written all this down and now I realise that I must help us.

That only I can.

Do I let that fucking cunt destroy any more than ‘She’ has already?

I know that Rich cannot live without me – something that Tom predicted at the very beginning when he first left.

I know that Rich is so sorry, that he was so manipulated; got caught up in something.

I must move on, I must leave it in the past and concentrate on now. I need to prove that to myself.

God/Mum please help me.

Mois

Reflections 2018

When I read this entry I cried for the person who was writing this journal. I cried because I remember her pain.

Reading my journal it is like reading another person’s story now;  but I know that person, who is suffering so much, made me the person that I am today; and her strength, courage, and determination brought tears to my eyes. I knew that she was in a bad place when she asked her mum for help!

I was right when I wrote that  our son Tom was astute when he told me to focus on what I have now, because he knows me so well; and also because during this conversation he told me that I had to understand how courageous it was for Rich to come back, how he must love me so much to put up with the crap I was dishing out to him.   He was so right, when he said that I ‘was not an easy person to come back to.’  I was not!

What Tom said  made me take a step back and his words echoed in my ears often, when Rich would look so lost, when I would see how hard Rich was trying and mainly when I was being a bitch! In fact I still quote them back to myself today at times. (I believe that you have to see yourself in all of this, none of us are perfect!)

This entry starts to show my madness, the language is changing, I am starting to write about the lies, lies, and more lies, or the truth, truth and more truth if  you were to believe Rich!

An important way to explain it is this: What  I said to Rich about not lying to me and always telling me the truth was true at that time. He had lied to me so much over the past year (or however long it was) and I couldn’t bear the fact that he may still be lying, that he may still be keeping secrets that he could only share with ‘her’; I couldn’t bear the fact that they may still be sharing things that I was not party to. The important thing here is ‘at that time’… I don’t give a shit now!

But ‘at that time’ it didn’t matter what Rich said I didn’t believe him, he was  in a ‘no win’ situation that would continue for years until, as you will see from my book, I decided where to go with the unicorn known as the truth!

Eventually (but it took an age to get there) where the timeframe for when the affair started  was concerned I made mind up my mind that Rich had in fact been texting ‘her’ all along; that he had probably been seeing ‘her’ all along, and that it had started months earlier than I even thought at that time. The clues were there when I looked back.

It is important for me to say though, that I am saying this with eleven years of building something new behind us;  at the time that I wrote this entry in my journal I could never have made these decisions about the truth, because if I believed that Rich had been cheating on me that long I would not have stayed, and I knew that. I was in a catch 22 situation, I wanted the truth because I did not want to be made ‘a fool of anymore’ but I did not want the truth because I would not have stayed – and ultimately I wanted to!

This is a journey that I am sharing with you all, and it is a journey that we both went on; so I think it is essential that I explain to you the impact on Rich.  This entry starts to show that the turmoil for Rich is growing every day. He found it so hard because one day I was telling him I could do it and the next I was telling him I couldn’t. This eventually drove him mad; and, if I’m honest, I think that was part of my revenge at the beginning, I punished Rich every day. But when it did eventually take its toll we were so much further down the path, and I did not want him to fall apart, but it was too late and the damage had already been done. Just something to think about…..

I hope anyone who is thinking of having an affair reads this blog/book before they embark on it; I think that it may make them think twice.

I hope so….

Moisy

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don’t care
‘Cause I know my happiness is waiting
Out there somewhere

I’m searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I’ve never seen
Oh, I’d like to take just a moment
And dream my dreams, oh dream my dream

Woah, woah, zoom, I’d like to fly far away, yeah
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I’d find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be

Zoom – The Commordes

Songwriters: Ronald Lapread / Lionel Richie

Trickle Truth: A background story

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So we all know about ‘trickle truth’ right?

I have to say that I hate that term purely because it gives credence to something that seems so important at the time – a label that people can file something under and revisit it time and time again. I am not sure that is a good thing.

I know eventually that you have to decide what you’re going to believe and what your not; only then will you be able to become really strong and move forward because, let’s be honest, the ‘truth’ about the past is never going to be something you will know for sure.

But I will use this term because it is one of the biggest things that people search for answers to – How will I know they are telling the truth? When will they tell me the whole truth? Why do they keep lying? When will it stop? ……..

Here is where our ‘Trickle Truth started’ ..

I am sharing a background story with you because my journal entries are going to start to show how I questioned Rich again and again, picked him up on the smallest of nuances; because I do have the memory of an elephant! Over time you will see what I really came to believe about the truth.

When Rich and I met in the car park whilst he was still with her (see The Surrender Part 2 https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/19/the-surrender-part-2/) Rich sat in my a car and told me the background story (we all know here that this was never going to include the whole story!) He told me that the text messages between them had only started in the July because he had sent her a text to say that the kiss that had taken place at her party should never have happened. (To do this Rich would have to have taken ‘her’ number from my phone book in my phone!) Of course as soon as Rich text ‘her’ she had his number and then continously text him. (Or so Rich said!) Rich said that he never answered her until the September, and that they had not communicated between the July and September.

After they met in the October, when they had tried to have sex at ‘her’ brother’s house (and this is significant to our story) Rich said that he had cut off all contact and did not start up contact again until the following March, when the affair began again.

This was the start of the ‘Trickle Truth’ and as you will see as the story unfolds it went on for quite a time (in fact I found something out whilst writing this book!)

So that is the background story to the start of truth’s and lies, and we all know how important they are, don’t we?

Moisy

Journal Entry : It’s gone.

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Tuesday 7th June 2007

I Felt very positive today, after feeling very sad yesterday.

Rich and I had a big chat yesterday and I decided that Rich was as sad as I was for what we have lost. That he wants back what we have lost. That made me feel better, because I realised that Rich still treasures what we had.

He doesn’t’ believe that I will be able to do this (have him back). But I will try because I do believe that we have too much to throw away.

I told Rich that he had to have the courage of his convictions and fight for me if that is what he really wants. I have to say that saying all of it has helped, and Rich has made every effort.

When you know that someone loves you that much, is that sad for what they have done, what do you do? Throw it away? Look back in a years’ time and regret it?

But every now and again Rich having sex with ‘her’ creeps into my head, and it is like a wave coming over me. 

Things are better, but I wonder if that will ever stop; and will I ever be able to say I am one hundred per cent happy, which I was before?

I am sure that is a question that has been asked over and over again “Why”

Mois

Reflections 2018

This is an important entry for me, because I had started to realise that what we had before was gone; it was ‘lost’ and we were never going to get that back; that I was able to have this conversation with Rich and had  I realised that Rich still loved me and treasured what we had, was something that kept me there. But the enormity of what he could lose was starting to hit home to Rich.

I would continue to struggle with the fact that what we had was gone for a few months to come, and grieve for it for years to come. But Rich fought for what we had in the past  for  years to come; he would virtually drive himself insane trying to go backwards and find what was lost. Of course this was always going to be futile: not only because it was lost, but because I had moved on and therefore I was not in that place in the past anymore.

I have been asked by many people ‘When will we get back what we had before?’ You won’t! What you had has died, and that is why you are grieving. But if you can stop and listen amongst the madness, there may be some small things left from the fire that burned through your relationship, on which to build something new and only if you can understand that it will be new can you move forward into the future.

The other important part of this entry is that I told Rich (again) that he had to have the  ‘courage of his convictions.’ He had bought us to where we were now and he was the one who had to do the work to make it right again, and make me want to stay.

To do that he had to face all of his fears and show me how sorry he was every day; and only then would we have any chance of survival.

The night before I wrote this entry Rich and I had been in the garden, I was watering the few flower pots that I had bothered  to pot up in ‘The War’  and Rich was watching me with tears in his eyes. I remember wondering why? He was the person who had brought us to where we were, he had made all of the mistakes!  I asked him what he was thinking and  he just looked at me and said he was upset because he was so sorry; and that he could not understand why he had done this to me.

This was the start of me realising that Rich did not know his arse from his head any more than I did! I also started to understand and accept that we were both heart broken, albeit coming from different angles.

Rich had said that he doubted that I could ever be really happy with him again and I remember lying to him and saying that at that moment I only felt eighty per cent happy, in comparison to how I had felt before “The War”.  In truth I was only at fifteen per cent happy (mainly because Rich had come home and I had time to get over the shock of the last few months; and that I now had the time to make my decision of whether to stay or leave); but as I stood  looking at this man, who was just lost, I couldn’t hurt him and tell him that,  despite how much he had hurt me.

Over the weeks since Rich had come back he had become clear that he did still  love me; that all of his actions on his initial return had been nothing but bravado, a way of covering up his vulnerability.

But as I had grown stronger  Rich, in some ways, had become weaker: his bravado lost when he realised exactly what was at risk – and at risk it still was, very much so. So he became a person who fluctuated from being so sorry all the time, a man who tried  to show me how much he loved in whatever way he could; to a man who became agitated and defensive as I asked him the same questions over and over again. Only now, eleven years later, can I see that this was because he was afraid.

Sadly at that time no matter what Rich did it was never going to be enough; and I can say now that the fact that he never gave up, just taking every blow, is one of the main reasons that I am able to tell you our story today, sitting here in France, with him.

I knew that the love  we still had was something that I had to believe in,  as that was the one and only foundation brick on which to try and build a NEW relationship. As I said all those years ago:

‘When you know that someone loves you that much, is that sad for what they have done, what do you do? Throw it away?

Look back in a years’ time and regret it?’

Someone asked recently when will they ever be one hundred per cent happy again; and I responded that it is impossible to answer that question other than to say: when you finish grieving for what you have lost and start to build something new, whether it is with that person or without them.

I would urge everyone who is struggling to allow that time for grief, you cannot build on something new until you come to terms with the fact that what you had before has gone.

Just a tip:  remember you have the here and now and try and see the small things that happen in your relationship, you will see as our story progresses I did..

Moisy

Coping Mechanisms -The Demon

I Image result for images for goblinsIn the May that Rich returned I went back to work towards the end of the month. I wanted to take on the extra hours and I needed, in my head, to be independent financially from Rich. (See my entry after our first visit to the counsellor together and you will understand why – Counselling – It is he who should be sorry not me! )

But every day I struggled. I was still not eating and permantly had tears in my eyes; O l kept finding myself in the toilet crying; although I could cry in front of any of my colleagues I just did not want to keep putting my misery onto them because they had all been so understanding; they knew that although Rich was back we were on a knife’s edge of surviving.

I felt such a fool, so humiliated, and a voice in my head kept telling me that I should not be here now, sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes, and telling me it was all Rich’s fault. (It was!)

It told me that if I left him now I could have my sense of pride back and people would not be pitying me any more, that I would not cry any more. I started to believe it; I just wanted to stop crying, to not feel a fool, I wanted my self respect back and I believed that all of that was impossible to achieve all the time I stayed with Rich.

Once a week a man from another department, we’ll call him Josh, would come to our offices for his weekly meeting with his boss. He was a lovely, gentle man who had a strong sense of faith in God; and he came in to see me to give me a hug and some moral support for what had happened.

Josh said that I had done the right thing in having Rich back, that trials are sent to test us, to help us become stronger and different people.I told him I was struggling, and I explained that it was as if there was a voice in  my head, a demon, that was constantly whispering to me to  leave Rich, telling me what a bastard he was, how he didn’t deserve me, more than anything reminding me of the fool that they had made of me: how they had laughed at me.

Josh looked at me and said “I am glad that you have called it a demon, because that is exactly what it is: It is evil.

Evil does not want you to be happy, does not want Rich to be happy, it doesn’t want anyone to be happy. It will tell you that if you leave Rich you will feel better because your sense of pride will come back, because you will have distanced yourself from what Rich has done. It will tell you that you will feel better because you are not with Rich anymore and that you will be able to leave the situation behind. But will you?  Will you feel happier? Will you stop crying? Will you get your pride back? Just remember, evil wants to destroy any possibility that you have for happiness, destroy the possibility of anyone else’s happiness, and the only true possibility for happiness is to stay with Rich and try.”

And this is where my strong personality came into it’s own: I thought about it, about what Josh had said and I knew that it was true. If I left I would not feel any happier than I did now; I would still be broken hearted and so would Rich. Tom’s life would be affected, as would everyone who was supporting us. What was I going to achieve by leaving? Just more devastation! I could move away from Rich, sell our house and walk away but I also knew that I would be consumed with bitterness for what Rich had done to us, and that over time that bitterness would destroy me; whether Rich was with me or not.

I was not prepared to let that happen to me; I did not want to become a vindictive vicious person who trusted nobody. I was not going to let that bitch do that to me.

After my conversation with Josh, when the voice started to whisper in my brain, I would imagine it as a green evil, imp like demon. Something that just wanted to cause mischief, hurt and pain; I knew  we had all been through enough of that already and I could see what it was trying to do, it was clear it was lying to me. Now getting this demon under control was hard, trust me it was so hard, but visualising the demon to whom the voice belonged  helped me tell it to ‘FUCK OFF’. I would literally shout it out loud when I was in the car.

My advice to anyone going through this now: get a coping mechanism for that voice in your head; and be careful who you talk to because they may (just may) want you to fail and will enhance that voice and it’s message. It’s your voice take control of it! Imagine it as what you like but don’t let it beat you.

What happened to us all those years ago led me to read many psychiatry books, ‘Counselling for Toads’ being the first  (for those Wind in the Willows fans – careful you will never look at the in the same way again!) I know now that the demon was in fact what psychiatrists now refer to as the left hand side of your brain. Byron Katie gives an explanation in her book: ‘Loving What Is’:

“perhaps the most important revelation is precisely this: That the left cerebral hemisphere of humans is prone to fabricating verbal narratives that do not necessarily accord with the truth.”

In the same book there is a  quote from Michael Gassaniga:

It is like ‘having what amounts to a spin doctor in the left brain…’

For me over the years I have learnt that it is in fact your ego, which most times in life is your worst enemy.

So call it what you like, a demon (it still is to me but only as a memory now because mine died years ago!) a spin doctor, whatever; I can tell you now that yours is going to run riot if you are in the situation that I was in at that time. So my advice is get a coping mechanism and don’t let that bastard beat you!

Stay Strong, be in control even though it is hard.

It was the first coping mechanism that I put into place because of his advice and  I know if I had not listened to him Rich and I would not be here today. We have a lot to thank that man for.

As always I hope this helps, and if you know someone it might help then please, share it with them.

Moisy

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The Surrender Part 2……

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Day 22 – Tuesday 1st May 

After speaking to Rich on the phone ( Day 22 The Surrender Part 1  ) I had called Mary; she had been with me through all of this, listening to my never ending tears and madness whilst I tried to make sense of what had happened. At the time she was  over an hours drive away but she made the journey back and arrived at my home that evening, just to give me moral support.

We chatted as I got ready to meet Rich; I  knew that I look good, I have lost over two stone and am more  toned  than I have been in years, thanks to all of the hours I have spent on the stepper.

Mary says that she always knew that Rich would come back, because things just did not add up, that you only had to look at his face when he looked at me to know that he loved me. It made me think back to the evening I was told what was going on; of Rich’s face as he was watching ‘Her’ partner whispering in my ear. That is an image I have constantly thought of in the last three weeks, because it was the thing that gave me the most hope. The first shot is fired….

After Mary leaves I wander around the house trying to occupy my mind. I cannot even have a drink because I have to drive; I can hear my  heart beating in my chest again, that terrible feeling that my heart is going to burst is back. It is nearly an hour before I am due to meet Rich but I just cannot stay in the house a minute longer so I go to Mary’s house, for more moral support because I know that this is it, if this meeting does not work out then we are lost forever.

When I get to the car park where we have arranged to meet, Rich is already there, and I am surprised to see that he has lost as much weight as me. I refuse to get into Rich’s car, it is contaminated by ‘Her’ now, so Rich gets in my car and after a long silence I ask him what he wants to tell me and he starts to tell me what had happened over the last few months:

It had started in July the previous year when they had kissed at one of ‘Her’ parties, the very party where I had pulled Rich away from her when I found them dancing together on the dance floor. After that Rich had looked for her number on my phone and had made contact with her, supposedly to say that the kiss should not have happened and he wanted to forget it all. The Background story – Making a new life and there are clouds on the horizon 

I didn’t for one minute this is why Rich had contacted her, by doing that she had his number and he knew that she would pursue him; and that is exactly what she did: bombarding him with texts and calling him as he drove to work.

Rich then went on to tell me that he had met ‘her’ at her brother’s house in Essex in the October of the year before,  in the month leading up to our Halloween party. Rich was supposed to be on a nights overtime but instead he signed out of work and went to meet ‘her.’ I feel sick as he tells me that they had a fumble but that he could not perform and that they did not have sex. All that time they had been laughing at me, lying to me; I think of the Halloween party and how I found ‘her’ sitting on Rich’s lap, of how upset I was, and of how Rich did not follow me when I walked out.  Now I know why, because he had already fucked ‘her’! The fact that he could not get ‘it’ up is neither here nor there.

Rich tells me that after their meeting he had stopped at a service station on the way home and thrown up, because he knew that if I ever found out he would lose me forever. ‘She’ had him trapped now,  because ‘She’ had something that could be used to blackmail him; and that is what ‘She’ did. If ‘She’ text him and he did not reply ‘She’ would make a pretense to come to our house and then threaten him saying that ‘She’ was going to tell me. (This was unlikely because I would have fucking punched ‘Her’ in the face!) But Rich believed her.

The whole time he is telling me his story I am just sitting there looking out to sea with my eyes brimming with tears struggling to understand how my life has changed. We are sitting in a car park, by the beach, people are walking past with their dogs, something we used to do; people are on the beach because it is a hot sunny evening, people are going to the pub behind us, these are all things we used to do; and now? Now we’re sitting here in a car surrounded by the debris of our lives, and I am wondering what the fuck has happened.

Rich says that he tried to stop things, had stopped texting ‘Her’ or answering ‘Her’ texts for months, and that it had only started up again in March of this year. I think back to that month, I had been really ill with a chest infection, in fact I could not shake it and they were worried that I was going to develop pneumonia. As I sit there I realise why I had become so ill, because I had been ignoring the very things that were under my nose. More than anything I could not understand why Rich had gone back to texting ‘Her’ again, Why? For fucks sake why!!

After that they had then started to meet up in the next town along the coast. a pretty small seaside town called Tankerton. They would both drive there separately and sit in Rich’s car kissing. I could not understand how he had been able to  meet ‘Her’  when he was always at work, and I ask him how and when because he would always call me when he was leaving work. Rich said that it was when I was at work, he would meet ‘Her’  before leaving for his shift, or after his shift had finished and he would lie to me and tell me he had been held up.

It all seems to make sense now, the text to our house in March, the times ‘She’ came over to see us because ‘She’ needed someone to speak to, the time when ‘She’ told me that one day I would hate her.

I asked Rich what he wants to do, does he want to come home?  I cannot believe it when Rich says he is not sure that he can do that to ‘Her’, that he cannot leave her in a mess!

I could have punched him in the mouth!  I started to shout at him so he got out of the car, then I got out of the car, all of the people enjoying the sunny evening are looking at us now and  I don’t care! I am so fucking angry with him, he left Tom and I without a second thought and now, after the conversation that we had that morning on the phone when he said that he had never loved ‘Her’ and had always loved me, now he is saying that he is concerned for ‘Her’.  I lose it and  I punch him round the head, forgetting that I have the car keys in my hand, I punched him four or five times, with everyone watching, and I didn’t  fucking care! Rich just stood there and let me.

I’d  had enough, really had enough of being in a soap opera with a bunch of skanks, Rich included! I walked back to my car and get in and just before I drive away I open the window and say “if you’re not back home before midnight tonight, don’t ever fucking contact me again.” With that I drove away.

I went straight back to Mary’s and as I talk to her I realise that I am worth more than the treatment that I have received, worth more than Rich for what he has put me through; when I say that to her she agrees with me.

I am suddenly no longer afraid to go home, it is my house now, I no longer see it as a home that belonged to Rich and I. When I got in I opened a bottle of wine and call my sister; I tell her what has happened and that I really feel that I never knew Rich at all, and that he was beneath me, the Counsellor was right.

At that moment in time I have decided that actually I don’t want Rich back. My sister then calmly asked me “So what will you do if he walks down the path later? You have asked him to come back, and give up his home I think you should consider that, because although he did not consider you, that does not mean that you have to stoop to his level.” That stopped me in my tracks and I have to think about it. I have given him an ultimatum so  I decide that I will have to let him sleep in the spare bedroom until he finds somewhere.

For the first time in a long time I was tired and go to bed at ten, I am not thinking about Rich anymore, neither am I going to wait up for to see if he calls or comes back; I have done too much waiting for him already and I am  not doing any more.  I need sleep, and for the first time in three weeks  I fall asleep quickly.

At ten past eleven my mobile rings and it is Rich calling. When I answered the phone he explains that he has left ‘Her’ and wants to come home. He has parked in the next road and when I ask   why he has parked his car around the corner and he says that he does not want it to be seen.

So I get up and wait for him to arrive, he has no key now, I had the locks changed within three days of him leaving;  he has to ring the doorbell – how apt!  I am in my pyjamas and I don’t care how I look, because I don’t care about Rich any more. I know that even though he is standing on the doorstep I am still on my own.

When Rich walked in it all seemed really strange because he looks uncomfortable in what was his home. It is as if we are two strangers, Rich sitting on the edge of the sofa and me sitting comfortably in my pyjamas on the other sofa, as far away from him as I can get.

Rich then suddenly asked me if I had an affair with my old boss, James. I am incredulous where the hell did that came from!  Rich explains that ‘She’ told him that I had confessed to ‘Her’ that I had an affair with James all those years ago. I just looked at Rich in disbelief, as if he had grown another head, and said ‘No’, and with that  Rich started to cry; because he  realised that he may have lost everything because of  all he has done over the past three weeks, actions that had taken place because of his own insecurities and this lie.

I asked Rich to be honest with me and tell me  if it was him that had called me the night he left, and he said it was.  He explained that they had been in a crummy bed and breakfast place with a payphone in the hall, and when ‘She’ had fallen asleep he had crept down and tried to call me from the payphone. I asked him why he had not called from his mobile, and he said he was afraid to because ‘She’ checked it all the time and would have noticed if he had taken it.

I asked him why he had called and  he said it was because he was worried about me, had found himself in an awful place and just wanted to come home; but when I didn’t answer he thought that he had lost me and  that ‘She’ had been right when ‘She’ had told him that  I had not wanted him all along

I just didn’t know whether to believe him; if Rich felt that way why did he not just get in the car and come home? Why did he put me through three weeks of hell? Why did he let us get to this place we were in now? I just didn’t understand none of it made any sense.

I don’t ask him if he had sex with her, he had already told me he had in one of our conversations we had when he was being a cunt.

I tell Rich that if he wants to be with me there are two conditions, he has to step up to the plate and face his fears about whether he is good enough for me, and he has to change his phone, number, everything.  Rich gives me his mobile and says that he knows she will just keep sending him texts  until he answers, because this is what she always did. I turned the phone off because that will fuck ‘Her’ right up!!

I told Rich that he had to sleep in the spare room; but really I don’t want him to, I want him to sleep with me and I feel so exhausted, as if all of the fight has gone out of me so I  decide to just let him.

As we lay in bed we just talked and talkedand suddenly Rich kissed me, not a full on kiss, a tentative kiss as if he was waiting for me to smash him in the face! But do you know what it told me so much: of  how much he has missed me; and how much he has wanted to do that,  and it tells me he is afraid of me. I kissed him back because I was too exhausted to feel angry.

We then started to kiss passionately and was clear that Rich had an erection; but I just can’t do it, I can’t have sex with him. I have worked too hard to get my self-respect back and I am not giving myself away again that easily.

I pushed Rich away and started to cry, I cannot do it and he understood.

I think for the first time in a long time we both slept.

In the day
In the night
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don’t
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there’s no time for joking
There’s a hole in the plan

Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh, you could mean everything to me

Say It Right –Nelly Furtado

Written by Nelly Furtado, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley

Moisy

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Day 22 The Surrender Part 1

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Day 22 – Tuesday 1st May

When I got up I did not know if I wanted to respond to the text Rich had sent the night before.  I was tired of it all now, I needed to move forward and extract myself from this ‘daytime soap opera’ that Rich had dragged me into. I was worth more than this!

I had booked a day’s leave from work to clean up the house after the repairs made by the plasterer. It is starting to feel like just my house now, and I feel that things are changing, I am starting to feel that I am now able to make it on my own. I notice that I don’t tend to hear the echo of my own footsteps following me anymore, it is as if the house has quietened the floorboards and allowed me to come to terms with being there on my own; it has become my ally.

But as I start to make my first cup of tea of the morning my eyes start to well with tears; this time because I know that it won’t be long before it is too late for Rich to come back. I have always been the type of person who seems to have an internal switch; it is not something that I can control it just ‘flips’ where my feelings are concerned and once it has ‘flipped’ I cannot get those feelings back, even if I want to. I know that it is starting to happen where Rich is concerned. I think of things that have happened over the past few days: when I visited Auntie Edie in Essex at the weekend and she told me that I could stop crying if I wanted to, and that I was worth more than Rich. I did stop crying! Perhaps because Sunday had been the tenth anniversary of my mum’s death it marked a turning point for me, because after that I forgot my phone and didn’t cry right through my counselling session. I knew that these were all signs of me moving on, and I was crying because I didn’t really want to.

I still felt this inexplainable feeling that Rich was crying somewhere; that no matter what he had said to me really he was heartbroken. I could not get that look on his face when ‘her’ partner was telling me what had been going on, that look of pure pain on his face, and I knew that if I moved on it would be such a terrible waste of something. (The first shot is fired….)

As if she could read my mind Jess came round and when  I opened the door I was crying. I explain to Jess that I am afraid that I will respond to Rich’s text and that he will not reply; all those memories of three weeks ago when I called and called him and he just did not answer are back in the forefront of my mind.  I cannot bear the thought that he will do that to me again. But I am angry that Rich seems to think that he is entitled to anything else from the house, and I am sick of checking my phone waiting for him to call or send me a message.

Jess suggests that I text Rich back and ask him what stuff he thinks he should have out of the house and then delete his number from my phone book completely so that I cannot look for his name, or ‘The Arsehole’ on my screen. So that’s what I do, I send a text and then Jess deleted Rich’s number. But Rich immediately replied with a text saying that he wants a stereo, his tools, a telly, some furniture and his bike! That made me laugh, as there was no fucking bike, it had paid for the start of divorce proceedings against him!! (Day nine (Wednesday) I started to fall out of love with you….)

I am incensed that he thinks that he is entitled to anything  and call him, this time he answers immediately. I know, I just know that this is not a happy man, from the tone of his voice and I can here that he has been crying,  and I am so fucking glad. I ask him, “Are you still in love with ‘Her’ Rich?’ He starts to cry.

I’m on a roll now!

“Are you still really happy Rich?” His answers clearly “No”.

“Have you realised what a terrible fucking mistake you have made now Rich? How you have lost everything, me, Tom, the animals, this house, and now you are living in a little terrace I hear, with a door that leads straight out onto the street, you must be so fucking happy!!”

Rich says that he is not happy, that he knows he has made a terrible mistake, that he does not want anything he just used it as a way of getting in touch with me because he thousht that I would just tell him to ‘Fuck Off’. I tell him that all of the TV’s and Stereos now belong to Tom and he cannot touch any of them, and that his bike has been stolen!

I ask Rich why he had wanted to talk to me, what does he actually want. He says that he just wants to talk to me face to face, that he knows that he has treated me so badly and that he feels really ashamed of the way that he has behaved; and he asks if we can meet up that night to talk about what has happened; how we came to be where we are today. Rich says that he has been afraid to come back and approach me because he thought that I would do back to him what he had done to me, that he thought that ‘She’ was the easier option; through it all Rich just keeps saying how sorry he is about all he has done.

I ask him if he is still in love with her and Rich says no,that he was never in love with her, that he had always been in love with me; so I asked him why he told me he was in love with her and I cannot believe it when he tells me that he was trying to  make it easier for me to move on! I say to him that I cannot believe for one minute that he was thinking of my welfare when he said that, even thought I knew in my heart of hearts that he always been in love with me I struggled to believe that he was so cruel to make me feel better. What a load of bullshit!

I ask Rich to come home if he is so unhappy and we can try and work it out;  and he says he does not know if he can!  I just don’t understand why Rich still does not know where he wants to be. One minute he says he is unhappy and not in love with her; that he has always been in love with me and then he says that he doesn’t know if he wants to  come home! Surely it is simple, your unhappy so come home! All Rich keeps saying is that he is afraid; afraid that if he comes back to me I will just throw him out once I know that he has no-where to go.

I agree to meet him that evening to have a face to face talk. Rich will not come to the house, he tells me that he knows that it is being watched by ‘her’ partner so we arrange to meet  in a car park by the beach away from anyone who may know us. It appears that ‘She’ has arranged for him to collect a chair they have bought, and that ‘She’ does not know that he has contacted me; that if she knew she would not let him out of her site.  I am dumbfounded when  Rich tells me that he is afraid of ‘Her’ because has started to realise how much trouble she has caused and how he should not have listened to her; that he has been so stupid to listen to the things that she has told him, and that he knows that now. As I suspected, and as Beth rightly predicted, she had been checking his phone constantly;  and when he did go to work  (which has not been often because he has been so stressed)  ‘She’ had started to ring him to make sure he is there. I am starting to realise that I may well be dealing with a ‘Bunny Boiler’!

All the time I am talking to Rich I am pacing back and forth across my living room. I feel a mixture of anger, relief. elation, satisfaction and fear. Anger because I could still just punch Rich for what he has put me through; relief because I was right all the time when I said that Rich was not happy and that something did not add up; elation because we may get back together, and because Rich is now hiding things from ‘Her’; satisfaction because the happy little home that she clearly thinks she is building with Rich (buying a chair!) is actually starting to crash down around her fucking ears and she does not even know; and I feel fear, in case Rich let’s me down again.

After I hang up from Rich ‘Her’ partner comes over, and he knows from my behaviour that something is different. He asks me if I blame him for any of this and I tell him that I do. I blame him for some of it, him and her; the more I thought about the games they had played the more angry I got and the more I raised my voice: telling him how  I blame them for the games that they have played; I blame him for knowing about it long before he told me; about I blame him because he had waited to tell me, waitied until I was drunk to ensure that he could cause as much chaos as possible. I point out how he didn’t consider me in any of this; in fact how none of them did, and how that was the mistake that they all made; that they have all grossly underestimated me and now I will make them all pay.  Then I tell him to get the fuck out of my house. …………

I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

What goes around comes around part 2. Performed by Justin Timberlake

Moisy

 

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Day 21- Repairing the ramparts

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Day 21 – Monday 30th April 

We have had a hole in our kitchen ceiling for nearly a year. Our shower and bath had leaked and in the process rotted the ceiling. Tom had been going on and on about how it seemed to represent a ‘wound’ in our house, and I realised that it had happened just as we had become friends with ‘her’.  I made a resolve to get it fixed and called a plasterer and arranged for him to come to repair it;  this is my house now and it is time that I took control of it. Tom’s right it’s like a festering sore and it needs to go.

Because of the plasterer coming I had to move some furniture and arrange things before I left for work and in my haste to get everything ready I forgot my phone. But the important thing is I did not even know I had forgotten it until I was at work for over half an hour!! My phone had been with me all the time ever since ‘The war’ began; and yet here I am without it. I know it is a sign that I am moving on and, in a way, I am glad.

I have another appointment with the Counsellor after work and when I explain about my phone she confirms that it is a step forward. I notice that I didn’t cry all the way through this session and when I leave I feel better than I have for a long time, I know that I am definitely starting to move on.

When I get home it is past seven o clock and Tom advises me that my phone has been driving him nuts because it has been beeping since ten that morning and I know, I just know, that it is going to be a message from Rich.

I check the phone and Rich (or ‘The Arsehole’ as he is now saved as in my phone book!) has sent me a text. It says: ‘I thought that I would text you as I need to collect some stuff. Hope you’re okay, I am worried about you.’

My response was to say out loud “Yes! You fucking bastard! I knew that you would come crawling back. I knew it!!” Followed by “What stuff?!”

I did not text Rich back, he could fucking wait for all the times he had ignored me. I knew that they had moved into their rental property only the day before,  the Sunday before he sent this text on the Monday! He  had been in that house with ‘Her’ one day and now he was sending me texts me! Clearly things had gone shit shaped in paradise!

Instead I called my sister, Beth,  who said she knew he would come crawling back, that it was only a matter of time.  My sister asked what time Rich  had sent the text and when I tell it was at round ten inthe morning she told me not to reply to it; she had guessed that when Rich had sent the text ‘She’ had probably been at work, and he had did not want her to know that he had contacted me. I thought about the time I had sent Rich a text and he had not replied, of  the times that he had rung me in the past two weeks, and it was always when he was not with ‘her’. I knew Beth was right, she has always been an astute cow my sister!

I was so happy, not because Rich might be coming back but because I knew that he had realised that he had made a massive fucking mistake, meaning it was my turn to make people eat shit now!

I put some music on and danced in the kitchen for over an hour, like a mad woman. Then I drank a bottle of wine, and it was only  then that I realised that the ‘wound’ in the house had been fixed, the hole in the ceiling had gone; and that Tom was right it was a sign of bad things that had been in our house and now I had finally started to get rid of them.

 

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you gets a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he’s doing to you
What you did to me
Ain’t that the way it goes

When you cheated girl
My heart bleeded girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain’t somebody with a lot of sympathy
You’ll see

I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)

What goes around comes around part 2. Performed by Justin Timberlake

Written by Nathaniel Hills, Justin Timberlake, Timothy Mosley

Moisy