Yesterday, February 2019, by husband decided to clear the clutter from his bedside drawer. He showed me that He had in that drawer, despite a major move to France, the birthday card that I gave him in July 2007. It had a very similar image to the one above by the same artist.
I noticed it was not a birthday card as such because I can remember that I did not want to send him something so normal because we were not normal. I couldn’t send him a card with a happy contrite message of love because I was not really happy, and I didn’t know if I loved him – I know that I did not love him as I had before, unconditionally; So I picked this card and this is what I wrote:
As I try to write this poem, to think of what to say
The one thing that I know, is that I love you all the way
Despite the things that happened, despite the hurt and pain
I know we’ll be together, that we have everything to gain
I now that you are frightened, I understand your fear
I need to reassure you, now that your birthdays here
We’ll see it as a beginning, a benchmark if you like
As the start of something new, a new phase in our lives
I know you can’t believe it, some things I say and do
So now I have decided , here is my birthday gift to you:
I promise to overcome my heartache, and overcome my pain
I promise to work with you, to get you back on track again
I promise to use all the stregnth in me, to support us both emotionally
I promise that I love you, for us to work together and always
To be with you my whole life through, to the end of my days
I promise I will never doubt the love you have for me,
How much you want and need me, for eternity
I cannot replace the love you feel, for all that we have been through
But nobody else will give me the love I get from you
So happy birthday darling, I hope that you now know
Just how much I love you and that will always be so
Here is to the future, let us always stay together
Let no-one come between us, to stay in love forever.
Danny gave it to me yesterday, he wondered if I could use it to help others – to show that if you are trying to make it work everything counts. I would go on to make Danny’s life a misery at times, and yet he kept this card and read it when the going got tough again. There will be times in our story that you will understand why these small things became so important: so important that my husband still keeps this card beside him in his bedside cabinet.
Yes I have a very strong personailty, that doesn’t make Danny weak because I was the one that seemed to be pulling us together; because he held on like a limpet and he never gave up – that takes guts. Trust me I know what I am like: I take no prisoners!
Recently someone asked for help with a list they had been advised to compile with regard to what they needed from their spouse to enable them to move forward. Although their story is very different to ours (all of our stories are different but there are many common demoninators: Grief, disbelief, shock, fear, anger, rage, and not least a broken heart) I said that one thing that I really believe is that the person who betrayed has to be contrite, sorry just does not cut it: they have to be contrite: They have to feel sorrow for what they have done, they have to show remorse, in fact people who are truly contrite are broken in spirit for what they have done. Even today my husband will ask himself why?
I understand now that he will never forgive himself; and I know that in those dark times his spirit was truly broken. That is why I wrote him this card. I meant it at the time; but it didn’t stop me being a bitch again later!
Look out for my next post – the card included a list……
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
I would love to hear your feedback.
“…he held on like a limpet and he never gave up… .” I really like the analogy.
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It’s funny we both giggled when I read that to him, but it was true. Sometimes (well most if the time) we’re so hurt that it consumes us, and we don’t see the small things they do, like just hanging on. Xx
Perhaps contrite is what is required.
My own unfaithful husband is very sorry, but he is not contrite. He has way too much pride, and perhaps a real fear of rejection.
Of course, so do I. I can be very judgemental and when I make a decision I am quite inflexible. Which puts us at odds.
I think it’s lovely that he kept that card. And that he was willing to share it with us. Thank you.