Tag: Survival

Anger and Rage

Image result for images for anger and rage

 

Despite it being over eleven years since ‘The War’ in our lives it has only been over the past  years, as I have been pulling my book together, that I have started to think about the role of anger and rage in the lives of those who have been betrayed. 

When considering the person who has been betrayed it is perfectly understandable that they feel rage and anger with regard to what has happened to them. It is also understandable that due to this their actions may be erratic, out of character (perhaps because their world has been turned upside down!) and at times downright mad. I threw Rich’s underpants out in the road when he was not with me, and I never did pick them up! I threw his stuff on our neighbours drive and at the time I didn’t give a shit who stole it. I punched Rich and gave him  black eyes! That would be because I had been driven mad with grief, pain and fear. No I was not acting in my normal rational way, but that may have been because at that time I did not know what normal was anymore. 

For the people who read this blog who are the people that betrayed, those who have caused the heartache and pain, you may want to read it if you want to use it to help your relationship and rebuild.

I need to warn you all  now, in some places I am going to be  blunt! 

My reasons for this particular post are these:

  1. To help those who have been betrayed to understand that what you feel is normal, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I have read other’s stories and in it they say how the person who broke their heart has used their understandably (un)reasonable behaviour as a weapon against them; have said how they have changed, swear more, drink more, over react to small things. This is normal; if you read our story you will see my rage and anger in it from day one, when Rich left. The Rage did subside to anger over time but it still  lasted for at least another two years after our ‘War’ began. In the beginning the rage and anger did get me through what were some of the darkest times of my life; but over time I had to let them go otherwise I knew that  they would eat me up and destroy not just us but me as well. You may want to read:  Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy

2. To help those who have betrayed understand what the other person feels -we all feel it, and if you want your relationship to survive you need to understand that you caused it; so don’t bitch about it, and own it!

When Rich came back he never once criticised me for my anger or rage, he just looked and acted ashamed and sorry; heartbroken that he had turned me into such a raging banshee at times! He never judged me, he took it because he had caused it; no matter what it was that I did (and there were many things).  If you are judging someone whose heart you have broken for the way they behave as a result of your actions, then I am not sure what you will expect from the future. We all have to accept our responsibilities. 

3.That leads me on to the last reason for this post. I have come to realise that a lot of the rage and anger that I felt was actually about myself. I was  so angry with myself for not listening to my gut feelings in the months, or even years (who knows!) leading up to the outbreak of ‘The War’. I was angry with myself for losing myself in our relationship; losing the person that I had always been because I just focused on what we had and nothing else; I was angry with myself for letting myself go; angry with myself for not challenging the behaviours I had been faced with; and more than anything I was angry with myself for being so arrogant: believing that  what we had nobody could take away from me; so I didn’t always treat our relationship with respect or take the time to understand Rich’s insecurities throughout our relationship that lead up to ‘The War’. 

I know for some people this will cause outrage, especially if they are at the start of their journey. It was only as I researched and wrote my book, and read my old journal that I understood that a lot of the anger that I used to feel was actually directed at me. Sure I had deflected it onto Rich, let’s not forget that everything is their fault right?! But in reality the one person who had really let me down was me. 

That is why I always say to people when they ask me how they can survive the pain: Always have yourself first, without yourself you have nothing. I did that, and I still have myself first;  but over time as the pain subsided my journal gave me the abiility to reflect; through this I was able to  see not only the other person’s failings and frailties but my own as well. 

I know some people think it is a cliche: but this is a journey you are on; like it or not, you are adrift on that ocean of despair and at the beginning only you will get yourself across it. So use that rage and anger, accept it’s part of the process, but don’t hang on to it forever and at some point I would suggest that you have a conversation with yourself about who you’re really angry with. 

Controversial I know!

Moisy 

 

Image result for images for anger and pain

 

 

Journal Entry: Small steps and small things got us here today

Image result for small steps quotes

I left this back from the last journal entry because I think that it is an important piece of advice that I can give you – and the Moisy from then can give you:

Monday 9th July 2007 

Positives for the future:

  1. Rich said thank you.
  2. Rich hates ‘Her,’ regrets it so much.
  3. Rich would do anything to keep me.
  4. Rich is so sorry for what he has done.
  5. Wants us to work so badly.
  6. Rich is so happy when I am happy (what more could anyone want?!)
  7. Rich maintains (big time) his erection with me.
  8. Loves me so much.
  9. I love Rich so much.
  10. Would give everything up for me.
  11. I am the most important thing in Rich’s life.
  12. I have found myself. I understand my head for the first time ever.
  13. I have lost weight and got fit.
  14. Realise how many people I have who care about me/us.
  15. We work well together as a team. Isn’t that what life is really about? Isn’t love just part of the equation?
  16. Rich would never do it again.
  17. Back, very closely now, with Beth. Better than we ever were.
  18. Have a better relationship with Tom.
  19. Rich treasures everything about us, every good moment that we have.
  20. Rich never wants to lose me.

I will use this list at times. But I am hoping that any future entries will mostly be positive (apart from the hormones!)

Reflections 2018

This list of positives show how I clung to anything to keep me in the relationship. I realised over time, and especially when I read my journal again years later, how many times i did this; and how many times Rich did it as well. I could see as I read my journal  how crucial all the small things were to get us to where we are today.

I have often said to other people hold on to really small things, don’t dismiss them, because they go on to make the big things, like little pieces of a jigsaw until in the end you can see the whole picture. It is easy when you are hurt to dismiss them, I know I did at times , but it is clear that my sub conscious mind made a little note of them because it is my sub conscious mind that I am sharing in my journal.

So my suggestion would be to write them down, so that when the demon tells you that you are right to tell them to ‘fuck off’ have a look at your list and remind yourself of the small things. (I especially love number 7!!) No seriously I love them all.

When I sit here now and I read what I hoped for:  That future entries would hopefully be positive it makes me smile, because I know that we were still at the very beginning of our journey to where we are now, and as you will see the highs and the lows just kept coming, as the next few entries will show……..

Moisy

Image result for small steps quotes

Journal entry – When someone you love has had sex with someone else, it’s unbearable

Related image

 

Friday 6th July 2007 

I have just cried. I know I am hormonal, so that is a contributing factor but sometimes I still feel like crying. The biggest thing for me  is that in my head there lies the the fact that Rich had sex with ‘Her’.

I think that at the beginning of this journal I said that wasn’t the main thing for me. That it was for Rich but not for me. I did mean it at the time, and perhaps it was because I had so many other things in my head to deal with.

Now I don’t have as many things in my head, which is a good thing; but it has also opened the way for me to deal with what was actually the worst thing of all. And perhaps at the beginning it was just too big for me to deal with so I put it to the back of my mind.

Now it is here and I know, as is my nature that I have to confront it to deal with it. But how do I do that? I am hoping that by writing this in my journal it will help me.

I know that Rich says that he thought he had lost me, and that he was only going through the motions. That he had to shut his eyes and think of me. But although I really want to believe him I can’t.

I know Rich well enough and if he had something on his mind he would not be able to get an erection. – It happened often enough with us. He had sex with ‘Her’ on the night he text me about collecting his things, the night before he came back (supposedly because he thought he had totally lost me, that I had changed my number, because I had not text back.) How did he do that?

Rich says that if I had not text back he would have come to work and waited by my car; when? In a day? A week?  A month? I don’t believe he ever would have.

I am crying now, but I know that I have to write these thoughts down to make some sense in my head. (That’s the control freak in me!)

I know that Rich had a fumbling session with ‘Her’ (crap!) when were together. But if he loved me (loves me, sorry shouldn’t use past tense.) how could he have sex with ‘Her’ after he left? (Which was supposedly something he regretted from the minute he shut the front door.) I want to believe so much, but can’t. I am not that type of person (sometimes I wished I was) and that undermines us.

We went to the counsellor and she said that we had an “inner couple” that not everybody has. That to the trained eye you could see the couples who were likely to surive and those that were not.

I know that Rich loves me, I know that he is so happy we are back together, I know he got caught up in something, I know his weaknesses and guilt made him run away. But how come his grief at our break up, his guilt and his love for me did not prevent him from being able to have sex with ‘Her? ‘

Something does not tie up. I don’t feel that I can talk to Rich about this; but I fear that if I don’t it will destroy us. He thinks we are moving forward, and we are in a lot of things, but for me, right now, I feel this will always hold me back and eventually destroy us.

I have found this really hard. I am hoping I can find some resolution. That I will look back in a couple of months and be able to see it has got better.

We have had lots of good points this week. But I can’t write about them right now because this overshadows them.

5.15pm

I can’t read what I have written because I have been upset all day. Spoke to Nel for an hour after writing it. Agreed that my hormones have a lot to do with how I feel, but I also know,  that this is the final and hardest hurdle.

I am going to provide a makeup party for Helen’s daughter’s birthday, and I am looking forward to it. I promised Helen I would be okay, and funny, like me, how I normally am!

Rich has picked up that something is wrong; but I will stick to my plan that I drew up with Nel – wait until the hormones are gone and keep writing in here. Then see how I feel.

Helen said that Rich says those things to make things better, because he is so desperate not to lose me. But I think that it is more to make Rich feel better because he does not want to lose me, and hates what he has done.

I suppose that in some way that should make me feel better. That is how little he thinks of ‘Her,’ or what they did. In some ways it does.

I know that it may not be all that I am making it out to be in my head. But unless Rich talks to me about it I will never know. What if it was what I think in my head? How would I deal with that? And even if Rich told me it wasn’t would I believe him?

Right now I don’t want to kiss Rich, let alone do anything else. 

This is going to be my hardest test. Because right now I feel that I need space from Rich; and for us to survive I have to overcome that. I have told him to have a sleep for half an hour.

How ironic that bloke from the pub called me today and left a message. I am not interested. But perhaps it now gives Rich a dose of the situation he has put himself in.

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

This is the big one! When you start to try and repair what you have you have and you have to confront the most heart breaking thing of all, because that was how I felt at that time.

This entry shows this, I could not even go back and read it at the time, couldn’t write about the good things, because this one thing took over my brain like an alien. It burst out of the box that I had been trying to keep it in (those boxes don’t work  folks this is way too big!) like an explosion, like an evil clown and I can remember how everytime the thought came in my head I felt as if I was going to throw up; I could feel a physical pain in my heart, as if some sadistic bastard was squeezing it!

Thinking of Rich and’Her’ in ‘the act’, imagining all sorts of things, mainly how wonderful and romantic it must have been; I could picture Rich holding her, on top of her, caressing her, all the things that he should have only been doing with me. The Demon had a field day telling me how they must have laughed about me, compared me, and it literally made me feel sick. My husband was being intimate with someone else, when it should have only ever been something between him and I.

I thought back to all those times that Rich and I had been together whilst he had been seeing ‘her’ behind my back, all those times he must have been running through his head things that he had done with ‘her’. Even though Rich denied that he had ever had full sex with her before he left, I did not believe him, and I still don’t!

What I had written was right  I had to confront it, even though I was terrified of whether  I would be able to move forward in my life with Rich when I had heard the details, I thought I would not be able to live my life at all without hearing them.

Months before, when Rich and I had gone to France for a weekend,  we had argued and I had screamed at him how  the sex we had was just a ‘shag’ – meaningless sex that I could have with anyone. That is what it had done to me, I did not make love with Rich I shagged him!! I know now that it was as we built something new that we would then be able to make love, nothing that we had before counted, and it still doesn’t!

I don’t want to trivialise the awfulness of knowing that the person that you love, or loved, has had sex with someone else; because as I have said in this entry I was so afraid of it. Looking back, with the benefit of years of recovery behind me, and knowing what  we went through, I can tell you these things:

As I said to Rich that a ‘shag was just a shag’ that works both ways. That was how he was able to get an erectionwith ‘her’ because in his head at that time he had to keep the life he was trying to build with ‘her’ because he had fucked up the life he had built with me and had nowhere else to go! -That is why he was able to perform the night before he came back to me! I know that now, I get that, because that is exactly what I did to Rich when we first got back together.

More often than not the person who has committed the adultery is more afraid of this conversation than you are; often because when you ask them why, which you will, over and over again, they cannot tell you, because they do not know. Even now. years later,  if you asked Rich why, he would tell you that he does not know! We know the circumstances that led up to it, we know the where’s and whys;  but for Rich then when he was faced with what he was likely to lose he wondered himself why the fuck he had done it, and said he didn’t know why. Today he will still say it because the enormity of what he could have lost hits him; and I know that he asks himself that question over and over again; I don’t!

When you ask them how often (fuck me do I remember that one!) Where? What position? Did they use a condom (of course they’re going to say yes!). They won’t want to tell you that they fucked like rabbits, because that would hurt you even more. They will tell you that they couldn’t get it up, or it was just a fumble, some of which might or might not be true but you’re never going to believe them. The heart will want to but the demon won’t let you believe them.

They will not want to tell you that they enjoyed it, because they do not want to hurt you anymore than they have already!  And, as in Rich’s case, they do not want to lose you.  Which is ironic because in the early stages they have lost you, they are now trying to win you back (or should be!)

Now coming from the point of view of the person who has been hurt, I needed to know, had to know. But looking back how do I know if what Rich was telling me was the truth? How will I ever know? ‘She’ could crawl back out of the woodwork and say the ‘truth’ and how would I know if that were the truth either? We are back to the Unicorn of Truth! It only exists if you believe it!

You will see from further journal entries in my book that I asked about this over and over, grilled Rich, did everything but shine a light in his eyes; he gave me answers, but I grilled him to such a degree that in the end he was giving me different answers, anything that he thought that I wanted to hear, and of course then I picked him up in the conflicting things he had said and threw things back at him.

Have you been there yet?

I was, quite literally driving myself nuts, as you would see from the next few entries from my journal.

It took me months to realise that I was beating a dead horse, it was never going to talk and I was never going to know the truth, and more importantly even if I did know the truth it was never going to give me any peace. I had to make my own peace.

Now years later I know that it doesn’t matter, and it never did. We were either going to try and make it work or not. Time has helped me understand that what we have here and now is what’s important and should not be compromised because of something that happened in the past.

But I understand that most people who are reading this will be people who are going through what we went through, and they may find this hard to read, you just have to trust me, it can get easier but only if you let it.

I suppose that what I am trying to say  is you will, at some point in the future, have to decide if you can live with this or not; and you will have to decide what is important to you. What you have now? Or what you have lost that can never be recovered? And after that decide how you want to live your life: With them, or without them? Because you could, quite literally, drive yourself insane.

I have put in this entry that when Rich said that they had a fumble together, that I thought that this particular confession was crap. I didn’t believe him, I didn’t think they had a ‘fumble’ I thought they had a ‘shag’ and I still do. I made my decision and I moved forward with that decision in my head.

I have asked some of the bloggers of today ‘ Will it help if you know they had sex doggy style, hanging from the ceiling, twenty times in a day, will this make you feel better? Will you know it’s the truth? I don’t know the answer only you can answer that, because reflection and honesty with yourself is one of the only things that will get you through this.

The only key one is did they use a condom because they at least owe you the chance to make sure that your health has not been compromised, maybe you should point that out to them – because whilst I didn’t catch anything Rich lied about using one!

I can tell you the only thing we know is trueL  Your partner had sex with someone else.

On the balance of probability it maybe wasn’t great sex because they felt guilty; they would have felt a frisson of excitement because it was something new, something ‘naughty’; it was something that made them feel special in a world where they felt vulnerable. But if they were honest when reality hit home after the rush of hormones, having sex with someone else just made them feel more vunerable – forever because what what they did will never go away!

So at some point in the future please remember this chapter and when you need to read it again; I have been blunt, but this time the unicorn of truth exists becuase I have been honest!

In the future only you can make your decisions and build your life on what you have decided to believe, because this time you’re the one in control of your life,  you know where you stand! Finally!

As I said personally I believed the worse, because nothing can bite me on the arse then!

Always in control!

Moisy

 

 

Image result for johnny cash quotes about marriage

Journal Entry: ‘Trickle Truth’ – When did it really start?

Image result for What is the truth images

Monday 18th June 2007

I told Rich on Saturday that I wanted to get ‘that’ love affair back – and I do. We had a good evening this evening and Rich took my car to work because he hates driving his so much.

But yesterday I had a bad day, and that is what gets to me so much, the highs and then the terrible lows.

Rich told me on Saturday that he had cried at work with the boys in his gang.  He had told them about our argument on Friday, but we did laugh that I had lobbed his phone at his head!

But yesterday I just had a really bad day. I was decorating (not good because the thoughts keep whizzing round your head).

Why did he do it?

Why did he start to see ‘Her’ again in March?

I checked his phone bill right back to last June, as Rich had told me to do to prove he had not been texting Her. But of course she had a different phone then – how could I check?  And that made me angry, because he knew that. So does that mean that he is still lying to me about what happened?

I could also see that it all started again on the 28th of February. All the texts, and it really upset me, my heart was pounding in my chest again. 

I had a big chat with Tom (always so astute)! He told me I must let it go and see what I have now. But the hurt is so bad.

Tom said I that he could see that Rich loved me so much and I just looked at him as if to say ‘your joking right?’ But I had to laugh when he said to me ‘Mum! You’re not an easy person to come back to!’ 

Anyway I got the decorating done and never rang Rich all day. He didn’t ring me, apart from to say he was on his way home. I swore to myself that I would not bring it up; that I could act. But I couldn’t.

I did bring up not being able to find the number and that I thought that Rich had deliberately set me up to look, thinking I was still a silly bitch and wouldn’t remember that she had changed ‘her’ phone. 

I told Rich that for us to survive I have to know he is not still lying to me about anything. But he swears he is not. I explained and showed him how I remember things – like he now says  that he did not meet up with Her at Tankerton until the March. That they had only communicated by phone in the September and October. But then I remembered that he said she had asked him to meet Her when he first text Her in the July to say the kiss was a mistake. So is he now lying again?

Why did he ever text her? Why did he contact her at all? None of it added up.

See!! What do I do? I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let it go and concentrate on now.

I explained to Rich how it has affected me – my wedding photos mean nothing, you might as well throw my dress away because when I look at them they mean nothing.

That I look back on the last nine years and feel that what I had never actually existed, it was just crap. (But as I am writing this I realise that there must be something, or I would not be here.)

I want to stay but that is how I feel.

I know that Rich went up to the toilet and cried. I cried.

When Rich came back down we talked – something that Rich must continue to do. Even though he told me he does not cry anymore he told me he had lied. That he needs to go to the Doctor for anti-depressants because he feels so down; that he cried yesterday when he had sent his gang home from work.  That he cried every day because his gut feeling is that he has lost me, that he is picking up that vibe, and that he cannot live without me. That he has suicidal thoughts – that he was thinking that  if he got run over by a train whilst at work,  I would be able to get over him because it is a different bereavement, and financially I would be ok. That he sat on track yesterday without his high-visibility gear on, crying.

So now I have written all this down and now I realise that I must help us.

That only I can.

Do I let that fucking cunt destroy any more than ‘She’ has already?

I know that Rich cannot live without me – something that Tom predicted at the very beginning when he first left.

I know that Rich is so sorry, that he was so manipulated; got caught up in something.

I must move on, I must leave it in the past and concentrate on now. I need to prove that to myself.

God/Mum please help me.

Mois

Reflections 2018

When I read this entry I cried for the person who was writing this journal. I cried because I remember her pain.

Reading my journal it is like reading another person’s story now;  but I know that person, who is suffering so much, made me the person that I am today; and her strength, courage, and determination brought tears to my eyes. I knew that she was in a bad place when she asked her mum for help!

I was right when I wrote that  our son Tom was astute when he told me to focus on what I have now, because he knows me so well; and also because during this conversation he told me that I had to understand how courageous it was for Rich to come back, how he must love me so much to put up with the crap I was dishing out to him.   He was so right, when he said that I ‘was not an easy person to come back to.’  I was not!

What Tom said  made me take a step back and his words echoed in my ears often, when Rich would look so lost, when I would see how hard Rich was trying and mainly when I was being a bitch! In fact I still quote them back to myself today at times. (I believe that you have to see yourself in all of this, none of us are perfect!)

This entry starts to show my madness, the language is changing, I am starting to write about the lies, lies, and more lies, or the truth, truth and more truth if  you were to believe Rich!

An important way to explain it is this: What  I said to Rich about not lying to me and always telling me the truth was true at that time. He had lied to me so much over the past year (or however long it was) and I couldn’t bear the fact that he may still be lying, that he may still be keeping secrets that he could only share with ‘her’; I couldn’t bear the fact that they may still be sharing things that I was not party to. The important thing here is ‘at that time’… I don’t give a shit now!

But ‘at that time’ it didn’t matter what Rich said I didn’t believe him, he was  in a ‘no win’ situation that would continue for years until, as you will see from my book, I decided where to go with the unicorn known as the truth!

Eventually (but it took an age to get there) where the timeframe for when the affair started  was concerned I made mind up my mind that Rich had in fact been texting ‘her’ all along; that he had probably been seeing ‘her’ all along, and that it had started months earlier than I even thought at that time. The clues were there when I looked back.

It is important for me to say though, that I am saying this with eleven years of building something new behind us;  at the time that I wrote this entry in my journal I could never have made these decisions about the truth, because if I believed that Rich had been cheating on me that long I would not have stayed, and I knew that. I was in a catch 22 situation, I wanted the truth because I did not want to be made ‘a fool of anymore’ but I did not want the truth because I would not have stayed – and ultimately I wanted to!

This is a journey that I am sharing with you all, and it is a journey that we both went on; so I think it is essential that I explain to you the impact on Rich.  This entry starts to show that the turmoil for Rich is growing every day. He found it so hard because one day I was telling him I could do it and the next I was telling him I couldn’t. This eventually drove him mad; and, if I’m honest, I think that was part of my revenge at the beginning, I punished Rich every day. But when it did eventually take its toll we were so much further down the path, and I did not want him to fall apart, but it was too late and the damage had already been done. Just something to think about…..

I hope anyone who is thinking of having an affair reads this blog/book before they embark on it; I think that it may make them think twice.

I hope so….

Moisy

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don’t care
‘Cause I know my happiness is waiting
Out there somewhere

I’m searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I’ve never seen
Oh, I’d like to take just a moment
And dream my dreams, oh dream my dream

Woah, woah, zoom, I’d like to fly far away, yeah
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I’d find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be

Zoom – The Commordes

Songwriters: Ronald Lapread / Lionel Richie

Day Ten (Thursday) The Battle for Divorce begins

Divorce papers

Thursday April 19th 2007 

Today was the day I had to attend the solicitors. I put on a dress that I have always loved and not been able to get into for some time. It was still unseasonably hot for April, and it hit me that it was far too nice a day to be attending solicitors to start divorce proceedings.

I can honestly say that I drove there in a blur, a state of shock at what I was about to do. Grant the mortgage broker called me as I was going into the solicitor’s and asked me if I was okay. Bless him; he cared more about me than the man I had been with for the last nine years.

There I was, sitting in the Solicitors waiting room with other women of all different ages wondering what the hell I doing there? This time last year Rich and I were on holiday in Mallorca, we had such a lovely time and, as we always used to do, we laughed constantly throughout the holiday. Now I was sat in a solicitors office  getting ready to start divorce proceedings against Rich and I realised that my life was all a lie.

I think the solicitor knew that I was still in a state of shock; my eyes were brimming with tears and I was shaking, and he asked if I was sure that I wanted to do this, I told him I was sure. I instructed him to start proceedings against Rich citing adultery. I did not know where he was, although I was aware he was with his family in Essex, and I asked him to send it to Rich’s sister’s address. She thought the sun shone out of his arse, let her give it to him!

When I came out of the office Grant rang me again to check that I was okay. Whilst I was talking to him I realised, for the first time in a long time, that I was getting admiring glances from men, it was a small thing that meant so much at a time when you feel like crap. It made me  realise just how much ‘She’ and Rich had played cruel mind games with me, like a dripping tap over the months, making me feel so unattractive and awful. Yet here I was, devastated but now over a stone and a half lighter, toned and really fit and I was looking good again. Better than ‘She’ ever would.

On the way home to Kent I was caught up in a traffic jam at the river crossing and I noticed that some men in a van were looking at me. I wasn’t interested in them, but the fact that they were looking at me made me feel good, and I realised that I was no longer the shadow that I had been for the past few months. Despite all the things that they had done I was no longer in the shadow of someone else; I had found myself again and I knew that I was and always would be, better than her.

When I got home I decided to stop in town and buy myself two new CD’s: Justin Timberlake ‘Future sex, love sounds’ mainly for the song ‘What goes around comes around’ because I knew that for Rich it so was going to come around and bite him on the arse! That song became my anthem during this time, because I knew that what it said would come true.

The other one was Nelly Furtado’s album “Loose”, because of the track ‘Say it right.’ I was getting my own music collection, uncontaminated by Rich, and I felt elated; I felt that I could take on the world.

 Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfill my needs

A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all……

‘The greatest love of all’ performed by George Benson Written by Linda Creed, Michael Masser •

Day Seven (Monday) The Battle of Wits

blue sky and sea

I was still having babysitters with me every day so that I was not on my own. My sister and my brother in law had spent the Sunday with me and on the Monday my friend Nel arrived with her little girl to spend the day.  Whilst everyone knew how important it was not to leave me alone I could see that for some found it difficult to be with me and see the state that I was in. Nel especially was finding it difficult because she knew that she could no ttake my pain away. Nothing could.

I was having a washing machine, the one that I had bought on the Friday before the D.Day BBQ delivered. It just seemed so weird that when I had bought that machine my husband still lived with me and now he wasn’t here. I was here, being babysat by people who loved me,  because they were worried for me, worried  because of the damage that had been done by  my husband; the one person that I thought would never let me down.

As the delivery men carried the machine in I could see the look on their faces, which seemed to veer from sympathetic (as if they knew that my husband had left me) to terrified in case they were tarred with the ‘all men are bastards’ brush!  They could obviously see that something had happened to me, probably because my face was permanently swollen and tear stained as I just could not stop crying. As if  to show how sorry they were they offered to install the machine for me, even though I had not paid for that service.

Another act of kindness out of so many.

In the last few days I had contacted our old mortgage arranger Grant, he really was a lovely man and had always had a soft spot for me. As soon as he answered the phone I started to cry and I told  him my predicament; about the conversation that Rich and I had about the house, and how Rich did not think that I would be able to buy him out; of how it was clear that  ‘She’ had thought that she was going to take the house out from under me.  Grant was shocked and could not believe that Rich had left me; saying how he always thought that I would be the one to leave Rich. For the second time someone was telling me that they thought that I had been too good for Rich and that he would never keep me.

Grant said that he would look into what mortgages he could get for me and would come back to me; he confirmed  that he would make sure that I would be able to buy the house and that I would be able to prove Rich wrong.

That morning I had searched the internet and found that I could have a telephone consultation with a solicitor for thirty five pounds. I needed to know what I could get and how much I could screw Rich and ‘Her’ over. I needed to find out the facts regarding any kind of maintenance I could receive and whether Rich could make me sell the house.

The solicitor advised that Rich  couldn’t make me sell the house because Tom was under eighteen; and that because Rich was the main earner in the household and I only worked part time in order to support him in his career, I was entitled to spousal maintenance whilst my son was still under eighteen. In addition I could take half of Rich’s pension as well. I then knew that I had all of the information that I needed to fuck up ‘Her’ plans to take everything from me; in fact I now had everything I needed to fuck them both up completely.

As if in complete contrast to the hell that was my life it  was a lovely sunny day and Nel persuaded me to go to the beach, something I was  afraid to do because it bought back so many memories of Rich and I  lying there together all day; and of the time when Rich had  said to me that he would be lost without me, that I was ‘his life.’

How could I go to the beach now? Knowing it was all crap? Everything was fucking crap!

But I knew that I had to face it sometime so I went. I could see the irony as I sat on that  beach, with the wind blowing my through my hair, the sun beating down on me, and the infinity of the sea in front of me; everything was so beautiful and my life was shit!  I felt numb; this was someone else’s world, it wasn’t mine. I did not know where I belonged anymore.

As I sat there I  received a call from Grant to say  that a mortgage had been lined up and that I was going to be able to buy Rich out of the house;   so  I called my sister from the beach and asked her to call Rich and tell him I was in a position to buy him out of the house. I told her to tell him that I would pay five thousand pounds only and that if he did not agree to it I would take him to court to gain spousal maintenance and access to his pension. I was getting to that point that I did not want to speak to Rich anymore. I just wanted to move forward. To be honest I was exhausted, I had not been eating, or sleeping, but exercising like a maniac and it was finally dulling my brain to the pain, and making me feel as if I didn’t give a shit anymore.

Despite my  phone always being permanently attached to my hand when I got back to the house I had a missed call from Rich, and also a text. How I did not know he had called? I had my phone with me all of the time! It was as if someone, or something greater than any of us did not want me to speak to him.

The text from Rich said “I am worried about you; what are you going to do about the bills?”  I didn’t answer.

My sister called and said that she had spoken to Rich and that he had seemed really shocked that I was in a position to buy him out; shocked that I was considering it. She said that he sounded lost, and really upset.

Fucking upset! What right did he have to be upset? None!

That woke my brain back up, I felt so angry that he had the audacity to feel, or sound hurt. After he had laughed at me when he was with ‘Her’, laughed with ‘Her’ about me, it spurred the fighter in me and I called Rich, only this time he answered the phone.  He sounded as if he had been crying. I asked him if he “was enjoying his new life?” and he said that he was. I pointed out that he did not sound as if he was. I told Rich that I had spoken to a solicitor and with that Rich asked me if I was going to divorce him, because he did not want me to. I told him that I had no plans to divorce him at this time. I just needed to sort out our finances and the house. With that Rich said that he was sorry for what he had done, sorry for hurting me, that he had never meant to hurt me.

So why didn’t he come back? Why didn’t he want me to divorce him? Nothing made any sense.

I could feel the anger towards him bursting like bubbles in my chest, my heart was pounding to such a degree I could hear it in my ears, feel the blood rushing through my veins. I was angry with him for sounding upset, angry with him for saying that he was enjoying his new life, angry with him for contacting me if he was so happy. I told him that I hated him and hung up.

Something was not adding up. Here was Rich telling me that he was happy with ‘Her’, was in love with ‘Her’, and in the next breath asking me not to start divorce proceedings. I thought about how Rich had not bothered to contact me once in the last week, other than when I told him he would be ‘up shit creek without a paddle’;  yet here he was a week later making contact and had said, for the first time, that he was worried about me. I knew then that things were starting to unravel between them, I knew in my heart of hearts that Rich loved me.

Her partner came over to tell me that they were still  staying in Essex with Rich’s family, that ‘She’ had told him that they were in love. I started to feel as if a game was being played , that ‘she’ was telling him, knowing that he would tell me; and that he was telling me in the hope that I would never have Rich back.

Although I knew I should be distancing myself from what I was being told  it was as if I had to know; had to know what was going on, even though it was driving me insane; but what I did realise was that neither of ‘them appeared to know that Rich had been in contact with me, that, perhaps, Rich was playing a game as well now, a game to help him and I…….

Hey, girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away

I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you, babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around ….

What goes around comes back around (part 1)  – Justin Timberlake Written by Nathaniel Hills, Justin Timberlake, Timothy Mosley

Moisy

Day five (Saturday)Friends or Foe?’

Related image

I had bought a stepper just two days before Rich had left me; mainly because ‘She’ had made me feel so uncomfortable with the way that I looked and  I knew that “She” was playing ‘the game’; I knew in my heart of hearts (although I had ignored it at the time) that she was making a play for my husband, and I didn’t feel as if I could compete.

Once the war broke out I started to use the stepper at least once a day – sometimes twice if I needed to clear my head. It gave me control of my emotions, as well as my body; it was a symbol of getting control of my life back. The exercise was like a fix, because I was finding that no matter how much alcohol I drunk I firmly stayed stone cold sober.

I found it difficult to listen to most of the music I had in my collection because every album, every song, reminded me of Rich. Along with my marriage my ability to find solace in the songs I loved had been destroyed. The only ones I could play were ones I had bought the weekend before ‘The War’: Carlos Santana, and Billy Joel. At the time Rich had ridiculed me for liking them, said that he did not like them so they I had no memories of Rich attached to thembecause I had only played them in my car when I was alone.

Toni left to return to Cornwall with tears in her eyes because she did not want to leave me. I knew that everyone was struggling to see Mois (my Nickname for those who love me) in such a bad way; I was always so strong, and now I was in tatters on the floor.

But I was coming back.

Another friend was going to come to stay the night with me, because I was terrified of being in the house alone. It was as if I could hear the happy times, like echoes coming out of the wall and then bouncing around off the other walls all over the house. I could also hear the echoes of the fated BBQ, see memories of Rich and I everywhere, when he used to sing to me in our snug, when he sat at the breakfast bar and just lied to my face when she had rung our home. I couldn’t bear it. So I cleaned the house to try and fill my mind, whilst I waited for my new ‘baby sitter’ to arrive.

I had Carlos Santana blaring out of my stereo on full volume; despite it being April the weather was unseasonably hot and sunny so I opened the balcony door so that the entire road could hear. Fuck them all I was not going to be beaten!

I found a pair of Rich’s underpants in the drawer, a pair I had missed in ‘The purge’, and I threw them off the balcony into the road; there was something rewarding in the thought of cars running over them; I made a decision that I was never going to pick them up, they could lay there forever with me running over them in my car every fucking day!!

I seriously thought about throwing my wedding ring with them, but something stopped me; had taken it and my engagement ring off and put them in the drawer but something made me want to keep them, perhaps if only to give to Tom one day.

My neighbour Della came over and said that she had seen Rich that morning; he had been outside our house looking up at the balcony at the same time I had Carlos Santana blaring out at full volume. I was glad! Glad that it looked as if I did not care. Glad that he was looking at a beautiful house that he once lived in that he was never, ever going to get back!

‘Her’ partner came over to tell me  that ‘She’ and Rich were in the town,  and that he just thought that I should know. In parting he also told me  that I should know that they were staying with Rich’s Mum and that Rich’s sister had brought them to town so that ‘She’ could visit ‘Her’ little girl. It appears thatRich’s sister had lent her some clothes because ‘She’ had none of her own.

The fact that Rich’s sister was lending her clothes just hurt even more. I just didn’t understand, but was starting to get the picture that I wasn’t really part of the family as I thought I was.

My whole life had turned upside down and I just couldn’t fathom why. I was lost. .

‘Cause there’s a monster
Living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There’s an angel
With a hand on my head
She say I’ve got nothing to fear
There’s a darkness
Livin’ deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine
Deep into my hole
God, don’t let me lose my nerve
Don’t let me lose my nerve
Put Your Lights on:  Performed by Carlos Santana and Everlast
Written by Everlast

 

Image result for images for lives turned upside down