Monday June 2007
I told Danny on Saturday that I wanted to get ‘that’ love affair back – and I do. We had a good evening this evening and Danny took my car to work because he hates driving his so much.
But yesterday I had a bad day, and that is what gets to me so much, the highs and then the terrible lows.
Danny told me on Saturday that he had cried at work with the boys in his gang. He had told them about our argument on Friday, but we did laugh that I had lobbed his phone at his head!
But yesterday I just had a really bad day. I was decorating (not good because the thoughts keep whizzing round your head).
Why did he do it?
Why did he start to see ‘Her’ again in March?
I checked his phone bill right back to last June, as Danny had told me to do to prove he had not been texting Her. But of course she had a different phone then – how could I check? And that made me angry, because he knew that. So does that mean that he is still lying to me about what happened?
I could also see that it all started again on the 28 of February. All the texts, and it really upset me, my heart was pounding in my chest again.
I had a big chat with Ethan(always so astute)! He told me I must let it go and see what I have now. But the hurt is so bad.
Ethan said I that he could see that Danny loved me so much and I just looked at him as if to say ‘your joking right?’ But I had to laugh when he said to me ‘Mum! You’re not an easy person to come back to!’
Anyway I got the decorating done and never rang Danny all day. He didn’t ring me, apart from to say he was on his way home. I swore to myself that I would not bring it up; that I could act. But I couldn’t.
I did bring up not being able to find the number and that I thought that Danny had deliberately set me up to look, thinking I was still a silly bitch and wouldn’t remember that ‘she’ had changed ‘her’ phone.
I told Danny that for us to survive I have to know he is not still lying to me about anything. But he swears he is not. I explained and showed him how I remember things – like he now says that he did not meet up with ‘Her’ at Tillington until the March. That they had only communicated by phone in the September and October. But then I remembered that he said she had asked him to meet ‘Her’ when he first text ‘Her’ in the July to say the kiss was a mistake. So is he now lying again?
Why did he ever text her? Why did he contact her at all? None of it added up.
See!! What do I do? I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let it go and concentrate on now.
I explained to Danny how it has affected me – my wedding photos mean nothing, you might as well throw my dress away because when I look at them they mean nothing.
That I look back on the last nine years and feel that what I had never actually existed, it was just crap. (But as I am writing this I realise that there must be something, or I would not be here.)
I want to stay but that is how I feel.
I know that Danny went up to the toilet and cried. I cried.
When Danny came back down we talked – something that Danny must continue to do. Even though he told me he does not cry anymore he told me he had lied. That he needs to go to the Doctor for anti-depressants because he feels so down; that he cried yesterday when he had sent his gang home from work. That he cried every day because his gut feeling is that he has lost me, that he is picking up that vibe, and that he cannot live without me. That he has suicidal thoughts – that he was thinking that if he got run over by a train whilst at work, I would be able to get over him because it is a different bereavement, and financially I would be ok. That he sat on track yesterday without his high-visibility gear on, crying.
So now I have written all this down and now I realise that I must help us.
That only I can.
Do I let that fucking cunt destroy any more than ‘She’ has already?
I know that Danny cannot live without me – something that Ethan predicted at the very beginning when he first left.
I know that Danny is so sorry, that he was so manipulated; got caught up in something.
I must move on, I must leave it in the past and concentrate on now. I need to prove that to myself.
God/Mum please help me.
When I read this entry I cried for the person who was writing this journal. I cried because I remember her pain.
Reading my journal it is like reading another person’s story now; but I know that person, who is suffering so much, made me the person that I am today; and her strength, courage, and determination brought tears to my eyes. I knew that she was in a bad place when she asked her mum for help!
I was right when I wrote that our son Ethan was astute when he told me to focus on what I have now, because he knows me so well; and also because during this conversation he told me that I had to understand how courageous it was for Danny to come back, how he must love me so much to put up with the crap I was dishing out to him. He was so right, when he said that I ‘was not an easy person to come back to.’ I was not!
What Ethan said made me take a step back and his words echoed in my ears often, when Danny would look so lost, when I would see how hard Danny was trying and mainly when I was being a bitch! In fact I still quote them back to myself today at times. (I believe that you have to see yourself in all of this, none of us are perfect!)
This entry starts to show my madness, the language is changing, I am starting to write about the lies, lies, and more lies, or the truth, truth and more truth if you were to believe Danny!
An important way to explain it is this: What I said to Danny about not lying to me and always telling me the truth was true at that time. He had lied to me so much over the past year (or however long it was) and I couldn’t bear the fact that he may still be lying, that he may still be keeping secrets that he could only share with ‘her’; I couldn’t bear the fact that they may still be sharing things that I was not party to. The important thing here is ‘at that time’… I don’t give a shit now!
But ‘at that time’ it didn’t matter what Danny said I didn’t believe him; he was in a ‘no win’ situation that would continue for years until, as you will see from my book, I decided where to go with the unicorn known as the truth!
Eventually (but it took an age to get there) where the timeframe for when the affair started was concerned I made mind up my mind that Danny had in fact been texting ‘her’ all along; that he had probably been seeing ‘her’ all along, and that it had started months earlier than I even thought at that time. The clues were there when I looked back.
It is important for me to say though, that I am saying this with years of building something new behind us. It is important to say that at the time that I wrote this entry in my journal I could never have made these decisions about the truth, because if I believed that Danny had been cheating on me that long I would not have stayed, and in the back of my mind I knew that. I was in a catch 22 situation, I wanted the truth because I did not want to be made ‘a fool of anymore’ but I did not want the truth because I would not have stayed – and ultimately I wanted to!
This is a journey that I am sharing with you all, and it is a journey that we both went on; so I think it is essential that I explain to you the impact on Danny. This entry starts to show that the turmoil for Danny is growing every day. He found it so hard because one day I was telling him I could do it and the next I was telling him I couldn’t. This eventually drove him mad; and if I’m honest, I think that was part of my revenge at the beginning, I punished Danny every day. But when it did eventually take its toll we were so much further down the path, and I did not want him to fall apart, but it was too late and the damage had already been done. Just something to think about…..
I hope anyone who is thinking of having an affair reads this blog/book before they embark on it; I think that it may make them think twice.
I hope so….
I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don’t care
‘Cause I know my happiness is waiting
Out there somewhere
I’m searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I’ve never seen
Oh, I’d like to take just a moment
And dream my dreams, oh dream my dream
Woah, woah, zoom, I’d like to fly far away, yeah
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I’d find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
Zoom – The Commodors
Songwriters: Ronald Lapread / Lionel Richie
You are writing a book? Thats awesome. Loved reading your thoughts in the now looking back then. I am now in the process of writing our story in book form. And it is weird to feel detached from those events. Its like I never believed that I would feel that way or ever get through it but I did. And God was a huge part of the healing process.
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Thank you, The book is available now, it has my journal entries and reflections for the first 5 years of recovery. Good luck with the book, we are living hope for others. ❤️
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