Category: June 2007

Journal Entry – Will the sadness go away?

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Sunday 24th June 2007

I had a nightmare last night. That Rich left me again and went off with ‘Her’. It was one of those awful dreams that just kept coming back every time you go to sleep.

I don’t know, although probably, if that was why I felt sad today. Not the wave of despair that I used to feel (I [pulled the plug on that bath a long time ago) but still sad.

As I am writing this I realise that one of the reasons for it is that Rich seems so happy because I am happy (happier); and that just emphasises how much he loves me. So it brought it home to me tonight- what he was so frightened of when he first came back – which is all he kept saying. “I am so frightened.” He was frightened that he would never get me back, that he had lost me forever.

But that makes me sad. Because although I understand the manipulation, the mistakes that he and I made, the circumstances that led us to it all, I still cannot understand why he let me down. I loved him so much, implicitly, without doubt or question. That has gone; and I am sad because I want to get that back – but I can’t.  And yes to a degree Rich has lost me. I can never one hundred per cent rely on him again. That man has gone for me; and I know that he desperately wants to come back, and I want him back, but I can’t. It is something that neither of us have any control over.

And for what? Something so stupid, so trivial, is that how much we meant to him? Why wasn’t it enough? Why did he have to nearly lose me to realise what he had? And now he doesn’t have that anymore.

I don’t know. Will it get better with time? Will the sadness go away?

Mois

Reflections 2018

Obviously not all of my journal entries are in my blog because it is a serialisation of my book; but in earlier entries I had started to write in my journal every day. It helped to take the thoughts out of my head and stop them from tormenting me. Just before this entry there had been periods of up to three days where I had not written in it, just because things had started to calm (or so I thought!). But now in this entry  I was back to writing in my journal again – every day.

The torment of feeling that one minute you are back to being ‘a little bit normal’ and then WHAM! It is all back stronger than before, for me was one of the main things that nearly made me walk away – many, many times.

Believe me, if you are going through this hell right now I have come to understand that this is the ‘new normal’ (for a time)   you will go up and down, up and down, it is not called an ‘Ocean of Emotion, or Bath of despair’ for nothing!

But I can tell you,with the benefit of hindsight, that it can get better; but you do need to get some sort of coping mechanism in place for the early days – because there was no way that I was anywhere near acceptance at this stage (even though I thought I was!)

I find this entry so sad; because the me of then, who wrote this entry, was right – once something is lost you will never get it back. I remember that immense sadness and pain so implicitly; the fear that it would never go away, and I would feel like that forever. This is one of the reasons I wrote this book, to help the person reading this understand that it can go away.

But only if you let it in time.

The saddest part of this entry is when I say ‘I loved him so much, implicitly, without doubt or question, that has gone.’ I love my husband to peices but not implicitly any more – I wouldn’t love anyone implicitly now.

I asked myself if what I had said in this entry was true – would I ever one hundred per cent rely on Rich again? The answer is clear because I live in rural France with him, on a very small monthly budget and we have to trust each other to make it work. So yes  I do one hundred per cent rely on Rich, in the same way that he relies on me. ~Do I trust him? Yes I do, but I believe it is a different trust, it is for me, because I will always have myself first, I don’t look to Rich to define me.

I have often been asked “Aren’t you frightened that he will do it again?” I have always said no because  I watched Rich pull himself through hell to keep me, and I know that there is no way that he is ever going to risk losing me again.

I would ask anyone who is trying to make it work, how hard is your partner working to keep you, and do you see what they do?

Some of  you will hate this question because that little monster in your head will immediately tell you it is irrelevant because they have cheated on you so it doesn’t matter how hard they are working now. Doesn’t it?

Here is the crucial question:  if you were in their shoes could you keep going? Be honest, if you felt like a cheat, was with someone who cried every day, sometimes all day, because of what you had done. Someone who screamed at you, hated you, loved you, blamed you for everything including rainy days would you stay?

I asked myself that question, often.

When Rich came back he did say nearly every day, from the first day he returned, that he was ‘so frightened’. I had forgotten that until now, he would whisper it often ‘I am so frightened’. So for the last eleven years I have watched Rich face every fear he had, never give up, cry rivers- even now – and  I can assure you he will never do it again. If your partner is trying as hard as Rich do you really think that they will do it again?

Only you can answer that question.

I have communicated with a number of people whose partners are not showing remorse, refuse to go to counselling, ascknowledge their failings but continue to act in the same way. To those people I will say what I always say – for me this is the first, primary, golden rule:

Always have yourself, without yourself you have nothing. From there you can decide what you want for you, and then you can decide if that is what you are getting now, and then you can decide what you want to do, based on your circumstances now, and then you can take action, for you! The risk is that you may walk away, your partner may never give you what you really want, and there lies the crux of whether you want to stay.

The second is: Do not be afraid of what might happen because the worst has already happened! So what is there to be afraid of?

Only by facing up to these things – becoming stronger – not bitter, will the sadness start to go away.

Despite how much I love Rich I know how strong I am, and I know to quote ‘Chantay Savage’ or ‘Gloria Gaynor’ ‘I will survive!’ I learnt that lesson well.

Moisy

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Journal Entry: ‘Trickle Truth’ – When did it really start?

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Monday 18th June 2007

I told Rich on Saturday that I wanted to get ‘that’ love affair back – and I do. We had a good evening this evening and Rich took my car to work because he hates driving his so much.

But yesterday I had a bad day, and that is what gets to me so much, the highs and then the terrible lows.

Rich told me on Saturday that he had cried at work with the boys in his gang.  He had told them about our argument on Friday, but we did laugh that I had lobbed his phone at his head!

But yesterday I just had a really bad day. I was decorating (not good because the thoughts keep whizzing round your head).

Why did he do it?

Why did he start to see ‘Her’ again in March?

I checked his phone bill right back to last June, as Rich had told me to do to prove he had not been texting Her. But of course she had a different phone then – how could I check?  And that made me angry, because he knew that. So does that mean that he is still lying to me about what happened?

I could also see that it all started again on the 28th of February. All the texts, and it really upset me, my heart was pounding in my chest again. 

I had a big chat with Tom (always so astute)! He told me I must let it go and see what I have now. But the hurt is so bad.

Tom said I that he could see that Rich loved me so much and I just looked at him as if to say ‘your joking right?’ But I had to laugh when he said to me ‘Mum! You’re not an easy person to come back to!’ 

Anyway I got the decorating done and never rang Rich all day. He didn’t ring me, apart from to say he was on his way home. I swore to myself that I would not bring it up; that I could act. But I couldn’t.

I did bring up not being able to find the number and that I thought that Rich had deliberately set me up to look, thinking I was still a silly bitch and wouldn’t remember that she had changed ‘her’ phone. 

I told Rich that for us to survive I have to know he is not still lying to me about anything. But he swears he is not. I explained and showed him how I remember things – like he now says  that he did not meet up with Her at Tankerton until the March. That they had only communicated by phone in the September and October. But then I remembered that he said she had asked him to meet Her when he first text Her in the July to say the kiss was a mistake. So is he now lying again?

Why did he ever text her? Why did he contact her at all? None of it added up.

See!! What do I do? I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let it go and concentrate on now.

I explained to Rich how it has affected me – my wedding photos mean nothing, you might as well throw my dress away because when I look at them they mean nothing.

That I look back on the last nine years and feel that what I had never actually existed, it was just crap. (But as I am writing this I realise that there must be something, or I would not be here.)

I want to stay but that is how I feel.

I know that Rich went up to the toilet and cried. I cried.

When Rich came back down we talked – something that Rich must continue to do. Even though he told me he does not cry anymore he told me he had lied. That he needs to go to the Doctor for anti-depressants because he feels so down; that he cried yesterday when he had sent his gang home from work.  That he cried every day because his gut feeling is that he has lost me, that he is picking up that vibe, and that he cannot live without me. That he has suicidal thoughts – that he was thinking that  if he got run over by a train whilst at work,  I would be able to get over him because it is a different bereavement, and financially I would be ok. That he sat on track yesterday without his high-visibility gear on, crying.

So now I have written all this down and now I realise that I must help us.

That only I can.

Do I let that fucking cunt destroy any more than ‘She’ has already?

I know that Rich cannot live without me – something that Tom predicted at the very beginning when he first left.

I know that Rich is so sorry, that he was so manipulated; got caught up in something.

I must move on, I must leave it in the past and concentrate on now. I need to prove that to myself.

God/Mum please help me.

Mois

Reflections 2018

When I read this entry I cried for the person who was writing this journal. I cried because I remember her pain.

Reading my journal it is like reading another person’s story now;  but I know that person, who is suffering so much, made me the person that I am today; and her strength, courage, and determination brought tears to my eyes. I knew that she was in a bad place when she asked her mum for help!

I was right when I wrote that  our son Tom was astute when he told me to focus on what I have now, because he knows me so well; and also because during this conversation he told me that I had to understand how courageous it was for Rich to come back, how he must love me so much to put up with the crap I was dishing out to him.   He was so right, when he said that I ‘was not an easy person to come back to.’  I was not!

What Tom said  made me take a step back and his words echoed in my ears often, when Rich would look so lost, when I would see how hard Rich was trying and mainly when I was being a bitch! In fact I still quote them back to myself today at times. (I believe that you have to see yourself in all of this, none of us are perfect!)

This entry starts to show my madness, the language is changing, I am starting to write about the lies, lies, and more lies, or the truth, truth and more truth if  you were to believe Rich!

An important way to explain it is this: What  I said to Rich about not lying to me and always telling me the truth was true at that time. He had lied to me so much over the past year (or however long it was) and I couldn’t bear the fact that he may still be lying, that he may still be keeping secrets that he could only share with ‘her’; I couldn’t bear the fact that they may still be sharing things that I was not party to. The important thing here is ‘at that time’… I don’t give a shit now!

But ‘at that time’ it didn’t matter what Rich said I didn’t believe him, he was  in a ‘no win’ situation that would continue for years until, as you will see from my book, I decided where to go with the unicorn known as the truth!

Eventually (but it took an age to get there) where the timeframe for when the affair started  was concerned I made mind up my mind that Rich had in fact been texting ‘her’ all along; that he had probably been seeing ‘her’ all along, and that it had started months earlier than I even thought at that time. The clues were there when I looked back.

It is important for me to say though, that I am saying this with eleven years of building something new behind us;  at the time that I wrote this entry in my journal I could never have made these decisions about the truth, because if I believed that Rich had been cheating on me that long I would not have stayed, and I knew that. I was in a catch 22 situation, I wanted the truth because I did not want to be made ‘a fool of anymore’ but I did not want the truth because I would not have stayed – and ultimately I wanted to!

This is a journey that I am sharing with you all, and it is a journey that we both went on; so I think it is essential that I explain to you the impact on Rich.  This entry starts to show that the turmoil for Rich is growing every day. He found it so hard because one day I was telling him I could do it and the next I was telling him I couldn’t. This eventually drove him mad; and, if I’m honest, I think that was part of my revenge at the beginning, I punished Rich every day. But when it did eventually take its toll we were so much further down the path, and I did not want him to fall apart, but it was too late and the damage had already been done. Just something to think about…..

I hope anyone who is thinking of having an affair reads this blog/book before they embark on it; I think that it may make them think twice.

I hope so….

Moisy

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don’t care
‘Cause I know my happiness is waiting
Out there somewhere

I’m searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I’ve never seen
Oh, I’d like to take just a moment
And dream my dreams, oh dream my dream

Woah, woah, zoom, I’d like to fly far away, yeah
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I’d find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be

Zoom – The Commordes

Songwriters: Ronald Lapread / Lionel Richie

Journal Entry: Just put your arms around me and make everything alright……

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Journal entry: Thursday 9th June 2007.

I cried at work again yesterday, because of the thoughts in my head, about things I cannot change.

When I came home Rich and I were fine, but eventually I decided that he should know I cried at work. That I cry at work. The counsellor had told him that there would be things I would say that he would not want to hear.

I explained about the things in my head. He said that he didn’t cry anymore, but had waves of depression come over him – because he eventually feels he will lose me.

I had realised that Rich is my defence against my demons. That only he can drive them away, by putting his arms around me and just saying sorry.

If he wants to keep me he must have the courage of his convictions and fight his fear to keep me.

I reminded him again of the wedding speech and that I don’t feel he is a “loser.”

I feel we have moved onto the next phase. I am happy for the first time.

Mois

Reflections

My first reaction to this entry was ‘Oh My God!’

We had so much further to go, we had not moved on to the next phase, we had not even begun this phase! I know that I just wanted it all to go away, I wanted to feel better, I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore, so I told myself we were getting better, I even wrote it in my journal!

I was lying!

The best advice I can give now, is that  you need to stop trying to make it go away, because in all honesty it will never ‘go away’. It happened it can’t un-happen! But over time the pain will go away, (if you let it) you won’t think about it every day (I know I thought that was never going to happen either!); and if you do all the things you need to like: accepting, listening, reflecting, understanding and so many more you will become stronger from something that won’t ‘go away’.

I know from reading other people’s stories, people who are going through what we went through, that they struggle so much with what they perceive to be their inability to ‘move on.’ With the hindsight of over eleven years since it happened to us I can only offer this advice: stop trying to make it move forward faster, you will just add to your madness!. Accept that you are on one hell of a ride, and it will go at its own pace, you have no control over that. As the great Lao Tzu says:

“let reality be reality let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like…”

Instead I held on to hope, we both did. There had to be hope or everything would be  lost. When I read my journal now I can see that throughout there was hope, I wrote it on nearly every page, in fact wasn’t my journal a book of hope in itself?

At the time I would re-read my entries and I couldn’t see any hope anywhere I could only see despair.  All I could see  was the pain Rich had caused me, and it was clouding my thinking to almost everything else.

I wanted Rich to know, over and over again, how destroyed I was, how he had destroyed me, made me into this person that cried at work every day; and I wanted him to feel as fucking bad as I did! (Yes I remember that emotion even now!)

I told Rich that I cried because I knew that it would upset him and add to his fear that I would leave.

More and more I was realising that we were never going to be what we were before. That what we had was dead, and I blamed Rich for destroying it;  and yet Rich just seemed to want to bury his head in the sand and pretend that everything was normal.

I can remember how furious I was with Rich when he told me that he did not cry anymore, how dare he! When I was crying all the time, in the car (the worst place ever for me and that did not fully go until I sold that car two years later!) in the shower, at work, on the toilet!

As the words go at that time  I expected him to “Cry me a river”.

I can honestly say now that the reason I was happy at that moment was because I had told Rich that I cried at work, that I had upset him, that I had made him feel as insecure as I felt and and that is what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to punish him, badly.

However even eleven years later, the damage I inflicted on Rich has still not fully gone away. Is that what I wanted to achieve? No, never.

I do believe that it is only natural to want revenge, to want to make the person who hurt you suffer for what they have done; but I wish I knew then what I know now, because that achieved nothing other than my loving husband never being able to forgive himself; and I don’t want that, I want him to feel better.

You will see in my story how I will often write in my journal how Rich needed to have the ‘courage of his confictions’ or needed to ‘step up to the plate’, or needed to ‘face his fears’. All are true.

I know that some people follow my blog in the hope that they can find ways to repair the damage they have done, I am sure that some of the things that Rich will do as this story moves forward will help them, but only if they have the courage to take it forward.

I am not talking about whether you tell the truth here – you will come to understand that I left that myth behind a long while ago; and you will understand why in future blogs.

I am talking about the actions you can take:

Console them. That was all I needed most of the time, Rich to comfort me, to tell me it would be okay, tell me he was sorry even if I told him to “fuck off” afterwards. I needed Rich to never give up; and if you look at Rich’s few bits of advice at the end of my book ‘never give up’ is one of them.

There were times when he looked terrified as he approached me, but he still approached me, and I can never remember a time when I pushed him away when he had his arms around me.

So this is a simple thing for those who want to make it better:

Put your arms around them and comfort them, even if your afraid.

Moisy

A little note: 

‘Just Say, Just Say by Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye (Written by Ashford and Simpson) was our go to song, it still is and it still brings tears to my eyes.

When Rich first came back we sat at opposite each other one night at the breakfast bar as this song came on. It said it all, I wanted Rich to make it better and he wanted to, for me this song rings true listen to it, it might make you cry (it still makes me cry even today)  but it will help you know you’re not alone.

.

Just say just say that you forgive me
And make it better

Just say just say that you’ll stay near me
And make it alright make it alright

Just say just say that life without me
Would  be impossible

Just say just say you’ll never doubt me
And make it alright make it alright

make it alright

All I wanna hear
All I wanna feel
Is your voice
Your arms holding me

All I wanna know
Are you still there
Ooh nothing’s changed
and it’s the same
As it used to be

Just say just say you won’t be leaving
And not to cry

Just say you haven’t lost the feeling
And it will never die
Make it alright

All I wanna do
Oh is make it up to you
‘Cause I need you more than life itself
All I wanna know
Are you still there
Nothing’s changed
and It’s the same as it used to b

It’s all I wanna hear
All I wanna feel
Is your voice
Your arms holding me……….

Journal Entry : It’s gone.

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Tuesday 7th June 2007

I Felt very positive today, after feeling very sad yesterday.

Rich and I had a big chat yesterday and I decided that Rich was as sad as I was for what we have lost. That he wants back what we have lost. That made me feel better, because I realised that Rich still treasures what we had.

He doesn’t’ believe that I will be able to do this (have him back). But I will try because I do believe that we have too much to throw away.

I told Rich that he had to have the courage of his convictions and fight for me if that is what he really wants. I have to say that saying all of it has helped, and Rich has made every effort.

When you know that someone loves you that much, is that sad for what they have done, what do you do? Throw it away? Look back in a years’ time and regret it?

But every now and again Rich having sex with ‘her’ creeps into my head, and it is like a wave coming over me. 

Things are better, but I wonder if that will ever stop; and will I ever be able to say I am one hundred per cent happy, which I was before?

I am sure that is a question that has been asked over and over again “Why”

Mois

Reflections 2018

This is an important entry for me, because I had started to realise that what we had before was gone; it was ‘lost’ and we were never going to get that back; that I was able to have this conversation with Rich and had  I realised that Rich still loved me and treasured what we had, was something that kept me there. But the enormity of what he could lose was starting to hit home to Rich.

I would continue to struggle with the fact that what we had was gone for a few months to come, and grieve for it for years to come. But Rich fought for what we had in the past  for  years to come; he would virtually drive himself insane trying to go backwards and find what was lost. Of course this was always going to be futile: not only because it was lost, but because I had moved on and therefore I was not in that place in the past anymore.

I have been asked by many people ‘When will we get back what we had before?’ You won’t! What you had has died, and that is why you are grieving. But if you can stop and listen amongst the madness, there may be some small things left from the fire that burned through your relationship, on which to build something new and only if you can understand that it will be new can you move forward into the future.

The other important part of this entry is that I told Rich (again) that he had to have the  ‘courage of his convictions.’ He had bought us to where we were now and he was the one who had to do the work to make it right again, and make me want to stay.

To do that he had to face all of his fears and show me how sorry he was every day; and only then would we have any chance of survival.

The night before I wrote this entry Rich and I had been in the garden, I was watering the few flower pots that I had bothered  to pot up in ‘The War’  and Rich was watching me with tears in his eyes. I remember wondering why? He was the person who had brought us to where we were, he had made all of the mistakes!  I asked him what he was thinking and  he just looked at me and said he was upset because he was so sorry; and that he could not understand why he had done this to me.

This was the start of me realising that Rich did not know his arse from his head any more than I did! I also started to understand and accept that we were both heart broken, albeit coming from different angles.

Rich had said that he doubted that I could ever be really happy with him again and I remember lying to him and saying that at that moment I only felt eighty per cent happy, in comparison to how I had felt before “The War”.  In truth I was only at fifteen per cent happy (mainly because Rich had come home and I had time to get over the shock of the last few months; and that I now had the time to make my decision of whether to stay or leave); but as I stood  looking at this man, who was just lost, I couldn’t hurt him and tell him that,  despite how much he had hurt me.

Over the weeks since Rich had come back he had become clear that he did still  love me; that all of his actions on his initial return had been nothing but bravado, a way of covering up his vulnerability.

But as I had grown stronger  Rich, in some ways, had become weaker: his bravado lost when he realised exactly what was at risk – and at risk it still was, very much so. So he became a person who fluctuated from being so sorry all the time, a man who tried  to show me how much he loved in whatever way he could; to a man who became agitated and defensive as I asked him the same questions over and over again. Only now, eleven years later, can I see that this was because he was afraid.

Sadly at that time no matter what Rich did it was never going to be enough; and I can say now that the fact that he never gave up, just taking every blow, is one of the main reasons that I am able to tell you our story today, sitting here in France, with him.

I knew that the love  we still had was something that I had to believe in,  as that was the one and only foundation brick on which to try and build a NEW relationship. As I said all those years ago:

‘When you know that someone loves you that much, is that sad for what they have done, what do you do? Throw it away?

Look back in a years’ time and regret it?’

Someone asked recently when will they ever be one hundred per cent happy again; and I responded that it is impossible to answer that question other than to say: when you finish grieving for what you have lost and start to build something new, whether it is with that person or without them.

I would urge everyone who is struggling to allow that time for grief, you cannot build on something new until you come to terms with the fact that what you had before has gone.

Just a tip:  remember you have the here and now and try and see the small things that happen in your relationship, you will see as our story progresses I did..

Moisy

My Journal – First Entry

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Premier Journal Entry –

Saturday the 2nd June 2007 

Last night Rich and I had been talking and he had told me that he had found it an ego boost that two women had been fighting over him. When he said it I looked at him in shock because I could not believe what a fucking wanker he is.

I rang my sister, and told her that I could not do this, I didn’t think I could stay, I could not see how things were getting any better. She suggested that I keep a weekly journal of my thoughts and feelings; mainly as a comparison, to enable me to establish whether I was moving on or not, whether I could stay with Rich, and whether things were getting better, or easier, or whether I couldn’t forgive. I thought it was a good idea.

When Rich had said about his ‘ego boost’  I pointed out to him that I was fighting with FGB (Fucking goofy bitch) because of what ‘She’ had done to me. I wasn’t fighting for him! FGB could fucking have him! 

However it really got to me – as I should never have been in that position, and I was, and I am worth more than that!

Yes, Tom is right that some of that is my pride. However, it is also my self-respect.

I cried over it, coming back from Tesco, I cried over my situation. I sat on The Downs for forty five minutes, but once I had cried I felt better.

It made me realise that ‘She’ was prepared to fight for Rich, but he still came back to me, knowing I could reject him at any time. That told me something.

But it also makes me wonder if I really knew Rich at all;  if that is the way that he thinks do I really like him? Or want to be with him? Perhaps I had just never noticed the arsehole in him before and now I am starting to!!

I have to step back and become my own person. I cannot be totally absorbed in him, like before. That is how things have changed. I must stop craving affection from him.

I could still have a good life financially, with security and companionship; it just won’t be that all-consuming love anymore.

 I am sad about that.

That is what I feel 

Mois

 

Reflections  – 2018

The picture of me writing this entry is clearly etched in my mind. I had gone down to the beach on my own, and I was laying in the sunshine, with all the happy holiday makers around me writing a book that may put pay to my marriage. The sky was blue, the wind was blowing, people were laughing and I had tears in my eyes.

Before I started to write my book I had not read this journal in nearly ten years.

The first thing that struck me was how controlled I was in this entry, because I know that I was totally mad! Perhaps that was part of the madness, it was making me afraid to write my true emotions down.

At this point I did not know if I actually liked Rich or not; if he was someone who could say something like that then he was not a person that I wanted to be with. Add to that all the other pain and I was on the verge of walking away. It made me want to run and, yes,  I thought Rich  really was ‘beneath’ me!

I can remember that conversation with my sister Beth;  I told her that I could not see  that things were getting any better; in fact every day they seemed to be getting worse because my dislike for the person that Rich was, just grew and grew.  I still felt like shit, because I felt that I was selling myself short in staying with him; and I thought that the only way to get over these feelings was to split up with Rich and move on to a new life.

The advice from my sister was good advice. She knew me well; I was a person who needed time to think and reflect. I hadn’t had time in the nightmare of the last two months to process anything;  and felt as if I was drowning in the waves of emotion. My mind whizzed from one thing to another and I was literally going insane.

This journal  enabled me to see how I had felt at the time in comparison to how I felt when I re-read an entry days or weeks later; more importantly the voice in my head could not put as much of a spin on the things that I had written down because they were there on the paper in front of me. Over time it enabled me see a clearer picture of myself (because you cannot lie to yourself when you write a journal) as well as the person that Rich became.

At this point in time I was doing what most people do when their lives are blown apart by infidelity: I just thought that  things would go back to normal. What was normal? The love you had for each other? The lies? How can you go back to normal when you don’t actually know what ‘normal’ is?

So I believe that we hold on to what we can, material things, the kids, at that moment in time they are the only solid things that exist.  Even at this early stage I was considering the fact that I could ‘still have a good life, with security and companionship’.

The most important thing that I  had realised was  that I needed to ‘step back and be my own person’ and never be ‘totally absorbed in Rich in the same way I hadbefore. I had also realised that I was ‘craving affection from him’ and I now know now that it was making me feel worse; because I still felt like someone waiting for someone else’s approval.

I would wonder what was wrong with me?! I had actually lost respect for myself and I had to get that back. Realising this enabled me to become my own person and stop expecting Rich to make me what I was.

I had to a degree lost myself in the years leading up to ‘The War’; I had given up my career, put everything into Rich and his career, leaving myself financially insecure. But most of all I disliked myself because I had chosen not to see the things that were in front of me.  So I knew, at this stage, that I had to find myself and look after myself first, whilst knowing that this may mean that I would leave Rich behind as I became a different person, and I may walk away.

It was a chance I had to take, because right at this moment I felt as if I had nothing. anyway.

I have said it many times already ‘if you want to survive – Always have yourself.’

I still do.

Moisy

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