Tag: Bitterness

Labels! Cheater: Tell me the point.

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CHEATER!! I detest the word!

There I have put it out there! I really try to use any other word than this one when writing about what happened to us. Our story is meant to be a story of  hope for those who both, and I emphasise BOTH want to stay together and work, and I emphasise WORK, together to get through the shit that infidelity has brought into their  lives and come through it all stronger.

But … our story is also a story for those who find themselves broken, whether it was because they betrayed, or whether they have been betrayed; those  who are not staying together; or who have already broken up; or those where one is working so damn hard and the other isn’t; I hope (see that word again) that our story will help those people understand why they are where they are; hope that they can relate to our story, mine, and Rich’s; and understand that we both have a story to tell; and that whilst it is the same story it is coming from a different perspective – or it was for a very long time!

I hope that these people can use what we went through to see that they are not alone, some may see that they are worth more than what they have, it may give some people direction for what they want and where they want to go; and it may help those desparately trying to make amends have the courage to face their fears.

So that is what has made me write this post? Only recently someone who had an affair,  lost their partner as a result of it and  is heartbroken as a result of the mistake they made, asked why people label people ‘cheaters.’ They asked why irrespective of the  work they have done to understand their actions, irrespective of how they have changed as a result of the terrible mistake they made, they were, in the eyes of some ‘A Cheater!’ And it made me want to write this post.

Here are some definitions of cheat and cheater:

To cheat: Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage

A cheater: A person who behaves dishonestly in order to gain an advantage.

A person who behaves in a dishonest way

Someone who does not follow the rules

These are just some of the various definitions from traditional dictionaries. However the word has now become urbanised and the common definition from the urban dictionaries is: someone who cheats on the person that they are in a relationship with. In fact if you ask the internet it will also give you a whole load of negative responses to the definition.

I would ask: Is this where you want to be if you are more than six months in and still referring to your partner as a cheat? I know I would have thought hard by now about whether I was doing the right thing! Or in my case I never called Rich a cheater.

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Now I am looking at this from an ‘eleven years on’ perspective; I have had a lot of time to think, and a lot of time for the emotion to die down; so I understand why at the beginning you may label your partner, or ex partner; I understand how you want to hurt them badly, God knows I did for a long time – not least the black eyes I gave Rich. How can you say you don’t know?!!!!

As part of what we went through we have both had to look at ourselves as well as each other, and it took a long long time. But if I had labelled Rich a ‘Cheater’ throughout that time do you think we would be where we are today? Because I know I don’t!

As part of my journey I started to read a lot of Psychology books: ‘Counselling for Toads’ , ‘The Road Less Travelled,’ ‘(and Beyond)’ and I read the Tao Te Ching. One of the first lessons that is offered to you from that is to stop labelling things.

Once the whole is divided, the parts need names.
There are already enough names;
know when to stop
So what do we do? What do you want to do? I am writing this post for all those out there who are so angry, who may have got caught up in the negativity – shit there is enough of it out there you don’t have to look for it! Got caught up in a sisterhood of all blokes are bastards, or a brotherhood of all women are bitches,  and I am aiming this post specifically at those who are trying to make it work: Do you think labelling people cheaters is going to help you, or do you think that it is negative?
If you look at any psychology it will tell you that to label people is so negative. All you see is the label and not the person. Let’s look at Rich:
  • He was sorry – He couldn’t have been more sorry if he had beat himself with a birch stick!
  • He took responsibility for what he had done
  • He was, and still is full of remorse
  • He has reflected on his past and changed – not because I asked him to but because he wanted to; and he knew that he had to if he wanted to stay with me, because I would have left him behind.
  • He listened
  • He cried
  • He came to counselling

And so much more. So is he still a cheater, eleven years on? Let us not forget the crappy, bitter, stupid fucking saying ‘Once a cheater always a cheater!’

I will be honest if Rich had done it again I would be gone. There would be no discussion, there would be no chance of reconciliation and I would not care what the reasons were; if he did it again I would be out. This is because I have a really strong personaility and it nearly killed me to stay this time; also I have a life and I would not be prepared to continue to live it in fear with a lack of trust. I could not see how someone would go through all the pain that we have, and then do it again, and I would not want to be with that someone. But that’s me!

But Rich, as a lot of people are, was sorry. he was human, he made a mistake and nearly lost everything. So is he still a cheater? Should he still be called that?

There was a hypothesis  carried out by Benjamin Wharf into labelling and he came to this conclusion: ‘The words we use to describe what we see determine what we see.’

So this makes me ask:

When you call your partner a Cheater, does that mean that they still are in your eyes, and is that stopping you from seeing anything else that they do, or any changes that they have undergone? Or there fear?

Do you want to move on from them, or stay? If you want to move on call them what you like, fucking arsehole may also be appropriate! But I would advise letting it go as the years go by, you know my feelings on bitterness.Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy

But if you want to stay will calling them a cheater help?

Just putting it out there; and if you find the word cheater in any of my posts let me know, I will change it! (Apart from this one of course!)

Moisy

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Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy

 

Image result for quotes from deepak chopra regarding the past present and future

Bitterness: To be upset and angry by something that happened in the past.

Bitterness:To be consumed with anger and unhappiness

My definition: Bitterness: To allow anger and unhappiness, because of something that has bappened in the past, define your future.

I have said in some of my previous posts that I was not prepared to let what had happened to me (and at the beginning it was about me, remember? I had to find myself and be myself first) define me. I was not prepared to be dragged down to other people’s levels and, more than anything, I was not prepared to let my life be consumed by bitterness.

Since ‘The War’ my sister Beth  has said to me that she initially wanted me to have Rich back because I ‘wasn’t getting any better’.

Before this ‘War’ I had always been the type of girl to pick myself back up, move forward, even meet someone else; but this time during the twenty-one days that Rich was gone I was still the same as the day he had left.

Yes I had took all of our money, I had left Rich with nothing. I had started divorce proceedings, I had sold his’ possessions to do so, I had changed the locks, thrown his stuff out, everything I could possibly do. But I was still crying, every day, nearly all day. So when Rich wanted to come back my sister (I have said before she is a clever cow sometimes!) had persuaded me to have him back because, as she said, ‘Then if you split up it will be on your terms and not his; and then you will be  able to move on.’ She was right! I can see that even now. If we had not survived I would have least been able to prepare for it, to know that what we had was gone and more importantly that I did not want it anymore, enabling me to move forward.

But if Rich had not come back I would have struggled to come to terms with what had happened, to understand how I ended up where I was and I would have continued to run it through my head like a loop trying to make sense of something that would never have made sense – because it had never been what I thought it was in the first place!

At the beginning  stubborn streak in me, the fighter in me, was not prepared to let that bitch take any more from me than she already had. I was not prepared to be consumed by bitterness. I did not want that anger to stay with me forever, and I did not want to be unhappy forever. So, yes, at the beginning it was these things that made me fight against being bitter, and this fight meant that I looked at small tiny things that Rich did – like the housework FFS! A note written on the blackboard in the kitchen, reaching out to hold my hand even though her feared that I would pull it away. These small tiny things made up a big thing over time (you will see) and eventually the big thing enabled us to get to where we are today.

What would have happened if Rich had not come back? I would have done the same, I think it would have taken a damn site longer, but the stubborn fighter in me would have still thought the same, I will not be beaten and part of this was I would not be bitter.

As time wore on I no longer used ‘her’ as the incentive, I no longer needed to. I had found ‘me’ again, I had decided what my boundaries were and what I would and would not put up with, and I knew that what had happened to me had made me stronger; had actually given me freedom. I wanted to enjoy what I had found, so there was no room for bitterness in my life. It is up to you all, I cannot tell you how to handle things this is only one way that I did:

At the beginning I used my anger at ‘her’  to stop me from becoming bitter.

At the beginning I used my stubborness to stop me from being bitter

As time wore on I found myself, and I knew that I didn’t need to be bitter I needed to be grateful.

As time wore on I realised what I had was something new, and that it was better than it had been before because this time it was honest (more of that in a future blog.) This meant realising that Rich was not a knight on a white horse in shiny armour, but a flawed man who made mistakes and got on my tits sometimes!

I am passionate about this particular post, because I know how easy it is to slip down that slippery bitterness pipe; to be sucked in by the whispers from the demon that tell you that you are ‘entitled to feel that way.’

Are you? Do you want to feel that way forever?

If you need to do what I did and use the other person as a focus for not being consumed by bitterness, then do that – don’t let them beat you; and before you know it you will just not be bitter any more and you won’t give a toss about them! But only you can do it.

I know that there enough fighters out there who will read this and think ‘That is not going to be me! I am not going to let this beat me. I am not going to let this define me. I will not let bitterness consume me.’

I know you can do it.

Moisy

 

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