Category: Before the War

Remembering Past Conversations

puzzle pieces of the brain

When I decided to write about our experiences it was to help others; I have lost my mum and my dad, good friends and colleagues to death but I can honestly say that I never in all those times, felt pain like I felt at this time. It has been proven now that people who experience infidelity in their lives can often suffer from a form of PTSD for a long while afterwards.

I also know from the research I have undertaken that one of the things that the person who has been betrayed (and yes, they have been betrayed) struggle with is putting the pieces of the jig saw together and understanding. At first this is because we are so fucking angry that we cannot understand anything, there is nothing to understand right?! The people that we love(d) have hurt us in a way we would never have imagined and it is all their fault, there are no circumstances that should have led them to where they were and that’s it!

Then there is the fact that we would not have done it to them – aint we lucky!?

This is a memory from before ‘The War’ just after I had received her text directly to my home phone in the March, when Rich had returned from work the next morning after she had tried to cause trouble. When we had sat opposite each other at our breakfast bar and Rich had looked me in the eye and said ‘Did I really think that he would cheat on me with anyone let alone someone like ‘Her’, he actually said “because she is no comparison to you.”

Here is what else he said. He told me that he never thought that he would keep me. He had never understood why I was with him, that I was so pretty, so clever, too good to be with him.

Rich explained then that every day when he came home from work he would expect me to not be there anymore; for me to have packed up mine and Tom’s things and gone. He told me how he noticed other men look at me when we went out and that he knew in his heart of hearts that one day one of them would take me off of him. When I asked him how long he had felt like this he said “ever since we met.”

I was shocked and just could not understand why he would think this, I loved him so much. Everything I did was for him, we had an idyllic life ..

Well I know now that leading up to the war I did have an idyllic life, but Rich was terrified all the time, through nothing I had done, just because of the wonderful story telling spin doctor in his head.

I have written this little piece because of questions others have asked and to help you start to understand.

Moisy

Image result for quotes for understanding

Happiness and contentment

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2006

In the three years since we had lived in our beautiful house we had worked so hard on it, putting a new kitchen and bathroom in, decorating every room, including our beautiful bedroom that went across the whole width of the house, where you could step out on the balcony.

As usual Rich and I had worked hard, by now I had changed my jobs and started to work part-time, the rest of the time I worked late into the evening renovating the house whilst Rich was at work. That is what we did, we supported each other and if Rich was working hard then so did I.

Rich wanted me to work part-time, he wanted to be the main breadwinner and support me and I loved the fact that he did. I would often be asked at work why I did not pursue a career because of the skills that I had, but I was happy and said that I didn’t want that any more, I just wanted to support Rich in his career.

When Rich had finished work we would sit in our snug in the evening, singing Donny Hathaway songs to each other.

We loved our new life, with the sea on our doorstep. We loved to shop together, and wander around the pretty little medieval streets of Canterbury, Rich would find me beautiful things to wear and encourage me to buy clothes because he loved to see me dress up. When we were going somewhere special I would try on different outfits and he would choose which one he wanted me to wear. I remember he cried once when I came down the stairs in a black dress, and said how beautiful I looked and he could not believe I was married to him. He always made me feel so special, so good.

(I have to say now ‘Fuck Me’ I had lost my fucking brain!!)

Sometimes we could not believe how lucky we were, to live where we lived and to love each other so much. We always held hands, everywhere we went, I would even rub his back in the supermarket as we shopped.

We were contented, and as time went by we put weight on, as people who are contented do, but we were so happy it did not matter to us.

Our house was finished, we had worked so hard on it, I had worked hard on it. I remember telling a friend at work that I wanted to put it into a magazine, I was so proud of it.

Yes Rich was working long hours to pay for the repairs and decorations but I knew that he loved it as much as I did. We worked together as a team.

Life was good.

Moisy

You were meant for me
No one else could come between this love, I know
Cause I’ll never let you go

You and me…it seems
Never have a problem we can’t overcome
Cause you’ll always be the one

Never thought I’d be so happy
Loving you has made feel so fine
I can see my friends turn green with envy
Every time I tell them, I’m so glad you’re mine

‘You were meant for me’ performed by Donny Hathaway Written by William James Peterkin • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

 

 

March 2007 – The Build up to Hostilites begin

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March 2007 

It was Saturday night and Rich was on a night shift.  I was watching T.V.  in the living room, half asleep, when Tom came down and said  “Mum, there’s a weird message on our phone”

I listened to the message it was a text message and I could hear my blood start to pound in my ears as I listened to the robotic voice say “Been thinking about you all day today, can’t stop. I can’t wait to be with you, I want you so much.”

I sat up, Tom was looking at me. “What does it mean mum?”

I lied and said “Probably the wrong number.” But after he left the room I redialled and listened again. Then I checked the number, it was “Her” number. I called Rich, “Why is ‘She’ sending text messages to our landline that say that she wants you?” I asked.

I could hear the panic in his voice. “What? I don’t know! What does it say?”

“I told you to be careful of her, I told you she could cause us damage.” I said. “Is there something going on between you?”

“No darling, there is nothing going on. I don’t know why she sent a message to our house. I have said before that I think we should stop having anything to do with them.”

Rich had suggested that we stop spending time with them, but then ‘She’ would come over for something and Rich would change his mind.

Ten minutes later my phone rang, it was ‘Her’.

“I’m so sorry, I think I sent a text to your landline number by mistake. It was meant to go to this man that I have been seeing. Please don’t tell my partner as I have been doing it  behind ‘His’ back. Please don’t tell ‘Him’ will you?”

My gut told me not to believe ‘Her’so I was cool to ‘Her’ and told ‘her’ to “just forget it”

Later that night ‘She’ knocked at the door, she was pissed, she kept saying how ‘sorry ‘She’ was. I told ‘Her’ to just go home; but I didn’t sleep that night.

When Rich got home the next morning I was up waiting for him. I said how I had warned him that ‘She’ was unhappy and dangerous to be around. We both agreed that we did not want to spend time with them anymore.

We sat at the breakfast bar in our beautiful kitchen and Rich stroked my hand and looked me in the eyes and said “Seriously darling, do you really think that I am going to risk all that we have for someone like ‘Her’? I would never risk losing you I love you so much.”

I believed him. I wanted to.

The following week ‘She’ invited us to their house for a meal to celebrate my birthday from the previous January; because they had not been available to come out for the celebrattions, and to say how sorry ‘She’ was for the text ‘She’ had sent.  Rich said it would look rude if we did not go.

As per ususal ‘She’  kept topping up my glass with wine, I never managed to finish a glass before ‘She’ poured some more. As the evening wore on ‘She’ and Rich went outside for a cigarette, as they always did, and I saw ‘Her’ reach out and stroke him, it was how she touched him, and I knew! I knew!!

I lost  my temper and accused them of having an affair but  they cried me down, telling me I was imagining it. Although I had  accused them of seeing each other, they both denied it and her partner just stood there watching, he did not seem bothered and I thought that it must be me.

Rich took me home, and told me I was imagining things, that I had acted like an idiot and then returned their house without me.

I was in my pyjamas, wandering around the house like a mad woman, muttering to myself that they were trying to make a fool of me, I clearly remember shouting at the poor dog, “They think I am some sort of stupid cunt, but I know”. . I went back over to their house; I was in my pyjamas and dressing gown and  I must have looked like an insane woman as I crossed the road, I was convinced that I was going to catch them out.

But when I burst through the door all three of them were sitting there having coffee. ‘She’ was holding court, as ‘She’ had all evening, saying how ‘She’ had lost weight, how ‘She’ measured us all  to see who was the shortest, me!

But I looked like even more of a fool, standing there in my nightclothes, as they all sat together drinking coffee and it just reinforced the idea that I was imagining it. But now I know I should have gone with my gut!!

Moisy

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

Out of Reach by Gabrielle Songwriters: Jonathan Shorten / Louisa Bobb

A background story – Our move to live by the sea – our idyllic life had begun…..

2003

We had decided to sell our house in Essex and move to the coast and due our close proximity to London we gained a large profit from the sale of our home enabling us to buy a beautiful Edwardian house, with a balcony, huge fireplaces, original sash windows, and a tiled path leading up to it, in a road that literally led down to the sea. It was idyllic.

Rich was offered a job with a small firm who supplied the railway with staff, and despite my promotions at work I was able to transfer my role over to Kent.  We thought we had it made, Rich could work with the new company in Kent and would not have to commute back to Essex; and I could work part time with a new role within the local NHS supplier.

On moving day, after the removal men had left, we cracked open a beer and Rich burst into tears. He could not believe his life now, married to me, with a beautiful house, and a good job in the offing, our life seemed perfect.

But the job with the new railway company fell through! Rich was bitterly disappointed but, he said he was happy to commute and wanted me to work part-time and take care of him and Tom, who had settled in to his new life quickly, loved his new school, had made new friends.

I was happy to work part time but not long after our move a full time job came up,  a good job, as an Executive Assistant, within the local NHS hospital Trust, and I wanted to take it.  Rich didn’t want me to go back to work full time; he wanted to look after me. “It’s only for a short term, whilst someone is on maternity leave” I said. We could always do with the money to renovate the house” I said; and I took the job.

We were so happy, living by the sea, able to walk to the beach in three minutes, tom was settled, life was good………

Moisy

The first shot is fired….

The Story – The build up to The War….

The first shot is fired 

April 2007 – 

It was Easter Monday and an unusually hot day for the time of year so we decided to have a BBQ, invite’ Them’ over, with our other friends Mary and Den.

As usual lots of drink was consumed, music was playing, and ‘Her’ partner waited until I was sitting alone in the snug when he came up to me.

“You know that they have been texting each other don’t you? “He said.  Just like that, like a bolt out of the blue; “That there is something going on behind our backs.”

I looked at him, “That’s not true” I said, “Rich loves me too much to put our relationship at risk.” And then he told me, how they had been messaging each other for some time, that Rich knew that he knew, how they had all known and that ‘She’ and Rich had been making a fool of me.

Through the open doorway I could see Rich looking at us, oblivious to what was going on around him, with everyone dancing and singing, his sole focus was on me and what I was being told. The look on his face was ‘That’s it! I’ve lost her! She knows!’ It was a look of pure pain, and I knew from the look on Rich’s face that what I was being told was true. I couldn’t believe it, I wanted him to come in and tell me I was being told lies; but I knew that even if Rich had I would not believe him. I knew, at that moment, that I had denied what was happening, I had lied to myself, I felt like a stupid bitch for fooling myself.

After that all hell broke loose; I was so drunk and went into the kitchen and screamed at Rich, screamed at ‘Her’ and told ‘Her’ partner to get out.

I stumbled up to the balcony, the beautiful balcony that had made me fall in love with our house, our forever home. I could not believe that my life was crumbling around me; it felt as if everything was in slow motion, as if I was wading through treacle, everything was swirling around me and I prayed to God that this was a dream, and that any moment now I would wake up.

I thought that Rich would come up to me, but ‘She’ came up instead to say that I had to understand that they were just ‘friends’, that they supported each other that they had just been talking to each other and how I must accept that.

I told her to get off the balcony and leave me alone and that if ‘She’ didn’t I was going to push ‘Her’ off the fucking balcony; and I swear to God, I would have!

Downstairs the music had been turned off and there was a stunned silence. I could hear my friend, Mary, ask Rich if it was true and I could hear Rich crying.

I couldn’t bear it, I could hear the blood rushing in my ears and I just felt as if I was in a dream and I had to get out of the house.

So I ran down the stairs and out of the door, it was my dear friend Mary who ran after me, not Rich.  I was sobbing uncontrollably. We walked to the end of the road with me babbling about how it could not be true.

When Rich came down the road with Den, Mary’s husband,  he too was sobbing, and I knew from his reaction that it was true.

I just screamed at him, said how I couldn’t believe he had done this, ruined everything we had, everything we had worked so hard for; and I ran back to the house. I thought that Rich would come after me, tell me that it would all be alright, and say how sorry he was.

But he didn’t come back…

Moisy

Honestly, what will become of me?
Don’t like reality
It’s way too clear to me
But, really, life is dandy
We are what we don’t see
We miss everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

‘All good things come to an end.’ Written by Nelly Furtado, Chris Martin, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley. Performed by Nelly Furtado

 

You will turn up won’t you?

We’ve only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we’re on our way
We’ve only begun

Before the rising sun we fly
So many roads to choose
We start out walking and learn to run
And yes, we’ve just begun

Written by Roger S Nicholls and Paul H Williams. Performed by The Carpenters

August 1999

I remember now that on the night before the wedding as Rich was leaving he turned to me and said “You will turn up won’t you?” I laughed at him then; I loved him so much why would I not turn up?

When I walked towards him at the registry office he would not look at me, he was so nervous. “Do you want to marry Moira?” said the registrar. He laughed and said “Yes”. “Then hold her hand” said the registrar and everyone laughed; but I remember now how nervous Rich was, and I did not realise how much he thought that he was lucky to have me.

I was so happy, here was a kind wonderful man who worshipped me and Tom, loved the family life that he had found, after years of being single and going out with his friends searching for something because he knew that he wanted something more meaningful.  I treasured a picture of us both that someone had taken at our wedding without us knowing, it was so natural with Rich with his arm around my shoulders as he chatted to someone; both of us  looking so happy.

Little did I know that the picture would be one of the many casualties of The War.

Keep reading there’s more to come…

Moisy