Tag: Grief

Journal entry: A new beginning

Image result for images for hope

 

29th July 2007 

The Future

 

After what I have written on the previous page, I feel that I need to close that chapter. Start a new chapter, for a new beginning.

 

“The future – a New Beginning!

 

Reflections 2018

After my journal entry on the 29th of July 2007  I went back later in the day and decided to mark ‘the end’ of talking about what had happened. I hoped that i would be able to concentrate on the future. So on a new page I wrote the above. Marked it as a new section of my journal.

It was another coping mechanism! I thought that if I did it then it would happen! I was wrong! Three months is no time at all when you are dealing with grief, and you will see from future entries that I still struggled for a long time because I still had so much that I had to accept.

At the three month stage I had accepted that what we had was dead and gone and was not coming back. What I hadn’t realised was that although I knew and understood that I still needed to grieve for it; and I hadn’t realised that there was still going to be so much more to accept. But what I had realised was we were going to have to make something new and so I symbolically made a new section in my journal to show a commitment to it.

As William Blake said “Hindsight is a wonderful thing but foresight is better, especially when it comes to saving life, or some pain!”. So although i can look back and know that I still had a lot of pain to go through at the time my brain did what it had to because it gave me hope to save me some pain!

I lived in hope, and at this stage that is one of the main things that you need to hold onto if you want to survive. Hope.

Moisy

 

Image result for images for hope

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t think I can do this

Coping mechanism – make new memories

 

Image result for poignancy at Christmas

I know that a lot of people who read this blog are dreading The Holidays, or as we call them in England festivities. Most of them are looking back at the Thanksgivings, and Christmas’s before the shit hit the fan nostagically, remembering how wonderful they were, and thinking how they will never get them back; they may well be feeling as if they were a lie, all just a load of crap; they are probably feeling both! But more importantly some are actually afraid of them and the memories (triggers) that they will bring.

I think one of the things that compounds the feeling of dread is that expectations rise; we are constantly told  that everyone should be bappy during The Holidays. Media and adveritsing ram down our throats that everyone is happy and you should be too and if your not you’ve failed.

What a load of bollocks!! Sorry it is the only way to say it!

So we come to dread them; tell ourselves the stories of how the Thanksgiving’s before were always so happy. How the Christmas Holidays were full of fun and laughter; and the demon in our head tells us that we will never be that happy again.

He’s lying I know!  You can be if you want to, with our without your partner you can make something new, make new memories, something honest to look back on.

Christmas was always such a happy time in our house, we had the additional celebration of it being Tom’s birthday on Christmas Eve (I know! Don’t ever have unprotected sex in March, that’s what I learnt) and it was always a double celebration. The year that ‘The War’ broke out in our lives was the year that Tom was going to turn eighteen – which is a big deal in England.

In my normal indominatable way I was not going to let what had happened ruin what had always been a wonderful time of year for us; and I was especially not going to let it ruin Tom’s birthday.

So for our first Christmas I made new memories – we made new memories. We changed things we used to do – like going to the pub on Christmas Eve in the afternoon – and we went to the pub on Christmas day for a lunchtime drink before dinner.

We started a tradition of visiting a small quaint pub in the medieval city of Canterbury for lunch when we did our Christmas shopping – a pub that had not been tainted in any way by ‘The War’. In fact we continued that tradtion right up to the last Christmas before we left England for our adventure in France.

We started a tradition of playing Monopoly on Boxing day, we kept presents back to open after dinner, and I bought a Christmas tree to put up on the balcony of our home to show people that we were still together, and that I didn’t give a fuck what they thought! It  gave the illusion that we were deliriously happy; and whilst we were in a better place (God knows it couldn’t have been any worse!) I can assure you that there was still a lot of shit to go through!

All of these things seem like really small things (always remember small steps)  but they then enabled us to follow those traditions the year after, and the years after that, new traditions, new memories that helped us to not look back with poignancy at the one’s we used to have.

So if your fighting to survive this is my advice:

Stop looking back, I know it’s hard but at this time of year just keep saying to yourself ‘it’s all about the here and now. If I get through this one the next one will be easier.’ And it will!

Make new memories, small things, perhaps new baubles for the tree, a different tradition for the day, a photograph to look back on when times are hard, this is one of the main ways that you will be able to face the future events without fear.

But most importantly if you want to survive you have to try, you have to make an effort if not for your relationship for yourself.

Remember you are grieving, rightfully so, for what has been lost, and all that entails including any holidays,birthdays, Easter, anniversaries, none of them seem real now, none of them seem honest when your world has been blown apart by an affair. The first year is the hardest because you have to face every one of them – with another lovely little anniversary known as Dday thrown in!

I can remember every one of them frightening me; so I  held on to a peice of advice I was given when my darling mum died: ‘Get through the first year and the others will get easier because you have done it once already.’ But you have to let it get easier, you have to let go.  It was good advice and I used it when my world was blown apart by betrayal.

Oh and Tom’s birthday – we threw him a great big party in our house, and Rich cried, because he never thought he would be there!

I will be sharing my journal entry from the first Christmas we were back together – ironically I did not write in it over Christmas but the entry is just before so look out for it.

As always I hope this helps. Stay strong, and remember – always have yourself because without yourself you have nothing.

Moisy

 

Related image

Two Journal entries because this is a big one – What is normal?

Image result for quotes for what is normal

Normal:

Something that conforms to a standard, type or regular pattern.

Something that we have come to expect.

Ordinary or usual

Journal entry – Wednesday 11th July 2007 

Why won’t this sadness go away? Or am I asking too much?

It is still a bereavement, at times I feel am still in shock at what has happened. – Because I was so sure of our love and commitment for each other, that nothing would ever tear something so good apart; that it was the most rock solid thing that I was ever going to have, and it wasn’t!

All Rich says is that he does love me as much as I thought he did, because he came back. I suppose from that he means that he couldn’t keep away. I understand that part; but why did he do it? I still, at times, (not all the time, not like before), feel an immense sadness about it all; and it does drive a wedge between us, but I am so hoping that will get less.

Rich did try so hard yesterday. Cleaned inside my car with lovely smelling cleaners, cuddled and kissed me; but as he said last night, when we talked, it just never seems to be enough.

I understand as I am writing this what he means, and I don’t know if it will ever be enough.

I want it to be.

As I have said before, I cannot throw away the love that I know we do have. But perhaps I continually ask him to be over the top with his affection because I know that will make me stay. And I am afraid of myself, afraid that eventually I won’t be able to. Perhaps I do still want that ‘special love’. Perhaps, if we can get through this, that is what Rich and I will achieve. But at the moment the wound is still so raw, I cannot see that happening. And perhaps it is ‘the test of time’ to see if we can / If I can stick it out.

I will try. Only time will tell.

I will give it time.

Mois

Thursday 12th July

I cried at work yesterday, but I do think some of it was my hormones. Rich cried at home.

I think he was walking around the house, doing the housework, bawling his eyes out! What a pair! What does that say? I had rung him and told him I was upset.

When I got home he had done so much, mopped the floor, hoovered through, and cleaned our bedroom. He so wanted to show me what he had done. I know that this is a reflection of his love for me, I don’t doubt Rich’s love for me, especially now, and that it what I must focus on.

I gave him a big kiss, we kissed many times; I know we both feel the same. I played him an R Kelly song which has the lines

 “and you had enough love for both of us,

but I did you wrong, I admit I did,

and now I’m facing the rest of my life alone.

if I could turn back the hands of time……..”

It made him cry, made me cry; and I kissed him and said “We will make it darling, it just takes time.”

He grabbed me and said “We will won’t we?”

“Promise?”

Mois
Reflections 2018

And we did make it!

But I feel so sad when I read some people’s struggle, as I can still relate today on how hard it is, you feel as if it will never go away; it will, but only if you let it.

I hope that I can show you when you read my madness and relate to it that you too  can survive it because we did. We are here today, living another adventure in which we have to trust each other  despite what happened to us.

So I put these two entries together to show you how my days were full of huge ups and even bigger downs. I think that one of the reasons that it was happening to me was because I wanted it to be over; wanted to ‘move on’, get back to ‘normality.’

The thing was, I was not accepting the fact that I did not actually know what normality was anymore. Everything that I thought was normal had in fact been blown apart by ‘The ‘War.’ The ‘Normal’ as I had once known it had gone and it wasn’t coming back.

It was only when I accepted this, we accepted this  (because, importantly,  Rich needed to accept the fact that what we had he had broken; and that no matter what he did he would never be able to fix what we had; he could only work hard and build something new) only then did things start to get easier. But it is a passage of time that you have to go through and come out the other side, you have no choice; it takes time because first you have to realise that you have lost your ‘normal’ and then you have to grieve for it. But don’t grieve forever, to such a degree that you cannot see the new things that you are making, be careful that demon doesn’t suck you in on that front!

People have asked me how long it took to get over it; I don’t think that you ‘get over it’! I think that you get stronger from it, but this will depend on whether you can accept where you are. To survive you have to accept that it happened and that your life changed because of it and then, and only then you can move forward.

I find that people think it just takes a couple of months, or up to a year, but you will see from our story it took over two years before it no longer consumed our lives; and I would honestly say, for me, about five years before I no longer thought about it every day.

I can remember the Counselor saying to me that they set a six month timeframe: that ‘normally’ at six months you should be able to go through a day without thinking about it; and there is that word again! Normally!  I can remember panicking as October came our way, because there was no way that I was going to stop thinking about it every day at that point, when in actual fact that was my normal. I have a strong personality, I had a lot of pride to deal with so there was never any possibility that I was not going to be thinking about what had happened at the six month stage!

So yes ask other people how long it took them, but remember – what is their normal may not be yours, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

I would suggest that you try and keep something that will show you that things are getting better, a journal, a notebook, the reason I suggest writing it  down is because you head cannot then go back and lie to you, as it is in black and white, there on paper – what you felt at that time; and take it from me don’t compare yourself to others and think that you are failing if you  haven’t met their timeframe.

After the five years it just got easier and easier for me and now I can talk about it, laugh about it (yes I laugh about some of it!) and cry about it sometimes, mainly with Rich because he still cries, and I cry for him!

So these two entries are to show you all that the same happened to me, this is how it works, you have a day when you are convinced that the future will be bright, followed by two days of despair. You just have to keep walking forward, small steps, as someone once saidto me all those years ago.

When I read this entry it did bring tears to my eyes for Rich.I found myself feeling so sorry for him, he went through as much hell as I did, if not more, but it took me years to realise that!

Moisy

Related image

Coping Mechanisms – My Saviour – Music

Image result for music for the soul images

Driving in the car was one of the hardest things for me; I remember dreading going to my car at night after work, because, as I had said to my sister, “The Demon is waiting for me every time.”

I Imagined it –  sat in the passenger seat, a little green ugly bastard, who was ready to say hello, and then torment me all the way home.

It was when I was alone that The Demon was at it’s strongest; and the car was a  little world where no-one else could intrude, so that was his main domain. The Demon would ask me questions, ‘Why are you having him back? Do you remember when he walked you back from their house and told you were being stupid? And you believed him, even though you knew! You were SO fucking stupid!’https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/08/march-2007-the-build-up-to-hostilites-begin/

He would remind me of all the times ‘ she’ and Rich had made a fool of me: of the times  ‘she’ would measure me to show how much taller than me ‘she’ was;and then The Demon would remind me that I fucking let her!  He would remind me of how many times ‘She’ and Rich would stand outside smoking and laughing together, and then he would tell me that they had been laughing about me. All the way home that Demon would run a film of what had happened through my head on a never ending loop.

As I pulled up outside my house it would tell me how people thought I was stupid for having Rich back, for believing him in the past, for feeling sad for him now; reminding me of how ‘she’ and Rich had treated me as if I was a fat silly bitch, and, again, how  I had let them.

I often felt as if it was literally poking me in the head head and asking me if I was listening. It knew to tap into my deadly sin, pride, and I could often feel my blood literally start to boil and hear the beating of my heart because it was so loud and I was so, so angry.

By now  I was buying CD’s like they were going out of fashion, and the songs I chose to play would all relate to what I was going through at that time; and although  I would cry to so many it was my main way of stopping The Demon from getting into my head, it was by all accounts my saviour for a very long time.

There was, and still is, one particular song by the Sugar Babes – ‘Stronger’ – that I played all the time; it is a song that will always mean something to me, no matter where I am in my life; and it can still bring tears to my eyes because I will always be ‘the one who stands here longer than the rest.’

The song resonated with me because I knew one thing for certain, I was strong; and all of the other players in this comedy of errors had made one big mistake: They had underestimated me! That song was the angel in my head reminding me of what I had gained because of what had happened: I had lost myself along the way and now I had got myself back.

‘I’ll make it through the rainy days

I’ll be the one who stands here longer than the rest

When my landscape changes, rearranges
I’ll be stronger than I’ve ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything’s gonna be alright’

I also knew that although I was with Rich I was all alone, that was a fact! We had to build something new and what we had right now was simply based on what we used to have, which I knew had to change because it was never going to be enough.

I was alone until I could believe and trust Rich again, and I couldn’t do that until  I was stronger.

I’m all alone and finally
I’m getting stronger
You’ll come to see
Just what I can be
I’m getting stronger

Of course I know, now, that what we were going to have was going to be new, but it was going to be based on what we had learnt from this life changing, mind blowing, excruciatingly heart breaking and painful experience. To do that, as I always say, Rich had to face his fears (that I might leave), he had to step up to the plate and be brave, be sorry, and show it.

I know that there’s gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that’s the way it’s gotta be

In an earlier journal entry  I had written how Rich had sent me a text and called me his ‘beautiful wife’. This was important because he was so afraid to approach me in many ways, even to call me a nickname he had used  before ‘The War’.

Rich had always called me his ‘Beautiful Wife’, in all the time we had been together, and he had me saved in his phone under ‘Beautiful Wifey.’ But when they had been together ‘She’ had found my details in his phone and insisted that he save ‘her’  under a special name in his phone book. When  I found it, (it was Gorgeous Girlfriend) I went fucking ballistic. I told Rich that I just wanted him to save me as Moira in his phone and nothing else (he was still not allowed to call me Mois – See ‘Day Nine – I started to fall out of love with you’ ) https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/11/day-nine-wednesday-i-started-to-fall-out-of-love-with-you/ So Rich having a name for me was now also ruined!

For Rich to call me Beautiful Wife in a text was, in a small way, Rich facing one of his fears: He knew that I could have easily told him to fuck off! That it could trigger so much and that he could come home to me waiting for him with my bags packed. But to Rich I was his Beautiful Wife, and he wanted back some of what he had before, so he faced his fears and used the name he had been forbidden to use. Seems like a small thing but it was immense because I knew how brave he had been, and that he had listened; and I listened too.

I also know that ‘Mois’ who wrote this journal did not know any of what I know now, but she still hung on to hope. It is essential, if you don’t have hope then you have nothing and why are you there?

‘Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that’s been captured in a maze
I had my ups and down
Trials and tribulations
I overcome it day by day
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what I’m looking for’

This song always meant so much (still does) because over time  I could see that I was a different and stronger person when I was not with Rich; I was ‘my own person’ which I would learn was fundamental to our survival  because I could never feel vulnerable again. I still don’t!

I didn’t know what I had to do

I Just knew I was alone

People around me

But they didn’t care

So I searched into my soul

I’m not the type of girl that will let them see her cry

It’s now my style

I’ll get by

See I’m gonna do this for me

‘Stronger Performed by The Sugababes  Written by Jony Rockstar, Marius de Vries and Felix Howard

Get a song….. Not an angry one, one that moves you forward and listen to it when your head is telling you stories.

Moisy