Sunday 11th April 2010
Having read what I wrote in my journal entry in January (and given the time of year that it is) the main thing that has stopped me from being broken is my strength of personality; I am not prepared to give that up ever again. That is why I have learnt to be so independent: because I have to be. I am what I am (I understand where the song comes from now!) and everyone else tries to hang their problems on me and I don’t think that it something I can mentally afford to carry anymore.
I think that I saw my job as my way out – to prove that I would always be able to stand on my own two feet: to make myself feel better. But I don’t need to go any higher than I am already; I know now that I can always achieve whatever I want if I put my mind to it.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that this time of year has got to me: I look at the blossom on my beautiful cherry tree and it will always remind me of that fucking BBQ. But Rich over the past month has been brilliant in supporting me and he has not let me down during some really difficult times. But because the poor sod gave me one of the most momentous heartbreaks I have ever had in my life things get turned on him: or is it because they say ‘you always hurt the one you love the most’?
Rich just came up and I know that me writing in my journal worries him – he told the counsellor that – so I will stop for now.
Reflections Here & Now
The first thing that hits me in this entry is that it is not all about Rich and I and what happened to us: even though it is the anniversary of ‘The War’! It had been three years since the bomb went off and I could recognise that it is a difficult time of year whilst also recognising what I had with Rich.
What I have written about my personality is the crux of it all: I had started to realise just what an asset it was (although it would go on to be undermined again in the coming years with work) but I had also realised just how destructive it could be if not managed: where Rich and I were concerned.
I can remember this time was challenging with work and I had at times been in tears with it but Rich was there to support me all the way. I love the fact that I acknowledge Rich’s fear where writing my journal was concerned and stopped writing in it when Rich came up. We were truly moving forward.
I had a large ornamental cherry tree in my garden and it blossomed every year in April. I loved that tree and although it was a reminder of the onset of ‘War’ I never stopped loving it’s blossom: It was another thing that was not going to be ruined for me: I wasn’t prepared to let it be. It was also a reminder that despite what had happened life goes on: seasons come and go and you just have to go with them.
Over the past month so many people have contacted me to ask me when the time comes that it is no longer in your mind. Here is my honest answer: When your heart has been broken by the one you love, as we all know it is a bereavement: you grieve for what you have lost. It is the same as any other bereavment: it never goes away you just learn to live in a different way, with it as your companion. My beautiful mum died and nobody would expect me to come to a time when I no longer thought of her, or her death: so I must ask the question why do you think that does not apply to your broken heart?
I shared a quote from my book to some sites:
‘What you actually do is you move forward in life and you start by carrying it like a rucksack full of bricks on your back, until eventually it becomes a screwed up tissue in your pocket as time moves on. But it is always with you: because it will have made you the person that you are today; and if you can understand that then it cannot fall out of your pocket like a bloody great rock and hurt you again; you will be able to go ‘Oh it is you!’ and then put it back in your pocket again.’
Some people loved it, some people gave examples of how they now live their life with it. But others said how sad it was that it would be with us for the rest of our lives; and they were finding that idea difficult to cope with. I did at first, probably for the first five years or so; but now I would ask isn’t every single, difficult, challenging thing that happened to us something that stays with us whether it was good or bad? In fact isn’t it the hard (bad) things that shape us the most? And isn’t it up to us how they shape us? In the instance of infidelity we can choose to go down the bitterness route, or we can choose to get stronger and use all that pain to make us people who do not fear anymore. Back to fear again right! fear – read here
The wonderful ‘An Explorer’ over at love letters to a healing heart shared something the other day: a talk about grief. Read blog here During the talk the lady who had lost so many loved ones in such a short space of time explained how people asked her of she was ‘over’ her late husband now. If she had moved on. How do you get ‘over’ something that shapes your life forever? How do you move on, implying that you leave them behind? As she said she moves forward and she takes them with her: all the things that she has learnt from their death, all the things that she has had to face; because they are single strands that join together to make the thread of her life. This is the same with infidelity: it shapes and molds you and it happened, so you can never leave it behind.