Tag: Sadness

The new beginning – Finding me again

 

Tuesday 31st July 2007

It’s not easy but I think I can do it – in getting the unwanted pictures out of my head.

I am now lying on the downs at Tankerton. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing everything out of my mind.

I have had a difficult day today. Not in having those things on my mind, but the sadness.

There are two issues:

  1. Getting the thoughts in my head under control.
  2. The sadness for what I have lost. The grief for the bereavement, for the waste of that love that I had, that I had never had for anyone else.

Time will heal that, I know it. How and what form that healing will take I don’t know.

But as I am writing this, and although I have cried with sadness today (a short cry, letting it all out like Sherri said. It is true it doesn’t last long anymore; no more heaving sobs – not if I don’t give way to it. There’s just grief.) I also know that despite what I have lost I would not want to go back to it:

  • A big fat lump that had really let myself go.
  • Someone who I am starting to see now was very frustrated, angry almost inside. Because what did she have? Everything centred on Rich; and although I was jolted out of that (kicking and screaming at the time.) I never want to be that person again. I don’t like her.
  • A couple who became so insular, so immersed in just themselves. You see Rich would want to go back that (because of his own insecurities, because of his own fear.) I don’t.

Rich has changed since he has been with me – Beth was right, I dragged him up with me. Although he is quite capable himself he does not believe that without me by his side.

In fact, perhaps sub-consciously he always knew I would come to my senses and that is why he thought he could not keep me.

So why am I with him now? I do find that thought popping into my head. Because I know how much he loves me; and when someone loves you that much and you do love them, then why walk away? There is something to work on.

The life we have created together keeps me here as well. I enjoy his company, and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he also gets on my tits.

I had to get on my bike today and come here on my own. Regain my independence and do things on my own. I do notice that when I am with Rich we do both slot into that ‘doing everything together’ mode. I did, however, only realise today how many arrangements I make to do things with other people. This has been a totally sub-conscious thing.

At the moment part of me still wants Rich to ring me, text me, reassure me. But the more I do things on my own the less that will get; and I need to do that. Rich will totally freak, just look hurt and say “Whatever you want.” But not really mean it. That is no-longer my problem.

I am enjoying myself, being myself, confident, self-sufficient, and not constantly thinking of someone else.

I am going to go to the pub on my own and have a glass of wine before I go home; and I haven’t brought my mobile with me; this is me time.

This has really helped.

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

I remember this day clearly. It was a beautiful sunny day, not hot, the wind had a slight chill in it, but there were bright blue skies with small puffs of cloud moving along quickly in the wind; and the sun was warm.

Tankerton is a pretty place with rolling downs that lead down to the beach and sea, dotted with beach huts on stilts. On this day there were lots of people there and I can remember watching them all and thinking how happy they all were, and here was I with my world in pieces, never knowing if I would really be happy again.

But I have learnt over the years that you see what you want to see, and I believed at that time that everyone was happier than me. Obviously that was not true, but when you are in a place where nothing seems to make sense you believe that everyone else has their shit together. Trust me they don’t; it’s the good old demon in your head spinning you a line!

This was such an important entry for me, because as I said in my previous journal entry I believed that we needed to start again, a new beginning and to do that I had to find me; I was right, I had to find myself again.

I had become ‘lost’ in Rich before ‘the War’, everything revolved around him; I worked part time so that I could support him in his career, whilst I renovated and managed the house and finances. I had lived my life for Rich and I knew that I could no longer do that; Rich could be part of my life but he could no longer be the centre of it – I had to be that.

So the start of that was to go somewhere on my own, and the choice is pertinent because I chose to go to the one place where Rich used to meet up with ‘her’ on his way to work. I chose this place because I knew that I had to face my fears to be able to move forward into my new life and to not let my fears and memories beat me anymore!

For me there are three main things in this entry that resonate with me today:

  • That I recognised that I did not want to be the person that I was before, in fact did not even like the person that I was before. When I read this entry it did stop me in my tracks, because I had recognised that even then.

Today Rich and I have looked back at the people that we were before ‘The War’ and we do not like them. How much we drank, the places that we drank, even today we have been talking about how we accepted people’s bad behaviours without question. We both agree that we really were a pair of arseholes.

  • The fact that I have said that I was an angry and frustrated person; because I can see now that I was. The Moira who wrote this entry was absolutely right I had been angry and frustrated; I had not been using my skills to their full potential and because of that I had would get angry and lose my temper at things; or make small things more important than they really were.

After ‘The War’ when I had begun to find myself again someone had said to me that I had ‘dumbed down’ and I knew that they were right: I did not want promotion at work, did not want to work full time, did not want to use my brain because that was the easy way out, and ‘The War’ made me see sense, as I have said in this entry; albeit ‘kicking and screaming at the time.’

I believe today that everything does happen for a reason, and that at times messages are sent to us and when we don’t listen then a lesson is sent to us; and more often than not that lesson is a hard one.  Even today I believe that my sister was right, I was being sent a message, a kick up the arse if you like, to find myself again.

  • The third and most important thing from this entry is that I can see that I wanted to stay with Rich because he made me laugh, because I enjoyed his company, that we get on well together, and that these were the things that made me love him. Real things, not romantic things; sometimes we forget that relationships are many things not just love and sex.

But I also love that fact that I can also see that he “gets on my tits.” Looking back now I probably get on his “tits” as well! That’s life!

I did go to the pub; I sat in the garden on my own and showed myself that I did not need to fear being on my own. That I needed to embrace being my own person, an individual who did not start and end with Rich; and this was the start of doing this. So I had two glasses of wine whilst I read my book.

Moira had started to find herself again and it was crucial to our survival.

Moisy

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She’s Always a Woman     Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her, as long it’s free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me

Ohhh…she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time
Ohhh…and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind…..

Two Journal entries because this is a big one – What is normal?

Image result for quotes for what is normal

Normal:

Something that conforms to a standard, type or regular pattern.

Something that we have come to expect.

Ordinary or usual

Journal entry – Wednesday 11th July 2007 

Why won’t this sadness go away? Or am I asking too much?

It is still a bereavement, at times I feel am still in shock at what has happened. – Because I was so sure of our love and commitment for each other, that nothing would ever tear something so good apart; that it was the most rock solid thing that I was ever going to have, and it wasn’t!

All Rich says is that he does love me as much as I thought he did, because he came back. I suppose from that he means that he couldn’t keep away. I understand that part; but why did he do it? I still, at times, (not all the time, not like before), feel an immense sadness about it all; and it does drive a wedge between us, but I am so hoping that will get less.

Rich did try so hard yesterday. Cleaned inside my car with lovely smelling cleaners, cuddled and kissed me; but as he said last night, when we talked, it just never seems to be enough.

I understand as I am writing this what he means, and I don’t know if it will ever be enough.

I want it to be.

As I have said before, I cannot throw away the love that I know we do have. But perhaps I continually ask him to be over the top with his affection because I know that will make me stay. And I am afraid of myself, afraid that eventually I won’t be able to. Perhaps I do still want that ‘special love’. Perhaps, if we can get through this, that is what Rich and I will achieve. But at the moment the wound is still so raw, I cannot see that happening. And perhaps it is ‘the test of time’ to see if we can / If I can stick it out.

I will try. Only time will tell.

I will give it time.

Mois

Thursday 12th July

I cried at work yesterday, but I do think some of it was my hormones. Rich cried at home.

I think he was walking around the house, doing the housework, bawling his eyes out! What a pair! What does that say? I had rung him and told him I was upset.

When I got home he had done so much, mopped the floor, hoovered through, and cleaned our bedroom. He so wanted to show me what he had done. I know that this is a reflection of his love for me, I don’t doubt Rich’s love for me, especially now, and that it what I must focus on.

I gave him a big kiss, we kissed many times; I know we both feel the same. I played him an R Kelly song which has the lines

 “and you had enough love for both of us,

but I did you wrong, I admit I did,

and now I’m facing the rest of my life alone.

if I could turn back the hands of time……..”

It made him cry, made me cry; and I kissed him and said “We will make it darling, it just takes time.”

He grabbed me and said “We will won’t we?”

“Promise?”

Mois
Reflections 2018

And we did make it!

But I feel so sad when I read some people’s struggle, as I can still relate today on how hard it is, you feel as if it will never go away; it will, but only if you let it.

I hope that I can show you when you read my madness and relate to it that you too  can survive it because we did. We are here today, living another adventure in which we have to trust each other  despite what happened to us.

So I put these two entries together to show you how my days were full of huge ups and even bigger downs. I think that one of the reasons that it was happening to me was because I wanted it to be over; wanted to ‘move on’, get back to ‘normality.’

The thing was, I was not accepting the fact that I did not actually know what normality was anymore. Everything that I thought was normal had in fact been blown apart by ‘The ‘War.’ The ‘Normal’ as I had once known it had gone and it wasn’t coming back.

It was only when I accepted this, we accepted this  (because, importantly,  Rich needed to accept the fact that what we had he had broken; and that no matter what he did he would never be able to fix what we had; he could only work hard and build something new) only then did things start to get easier. But it is a passage of time that you have to go through and come out the other side, you have no choice; it takes time because first you have to realise that you have lost your ‘normal’ and then you have to grieve for it. But don’t grieve forever, to such a degree that you cannot see the new things that you are making, be careful that demon doesn’t suck you in on that front!

People have asked me how long it took to get over it; I don’t think that you ‘get over it’! I think that you get stronger from it, but this will depend on whether you can accept where you are. To survive you have to accept that it happened and that your life changed because of it and then, and only then you can move forward.

I find that people think it just takes a couple of months, or up to a year, but you will see from our story it took over two years before it no longer consumed our lives; and I would honestly say, for me, about five years before I no longer thought about it every day.

I can remember the Counselor saying to me that they set a six month timeframe: that ‘normally’ at six months you should be able to go through a day without thinking about it; and there is that word again! Normally!  I can remember panicking as October came our way, because there was no way that I was going to stop thinking about it every day at that point, when in actual fact that was my normal. I have a strong personality, I had a lot of pride to deal with so there was never any possibility that I was not going to be thinking about what had happened at the six month stage!

So yes ask other people how long it took them, but remember – what is their normal may not be yours, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

I would suggest that you try and keep something that will show you that things are getting better, a journal, a notebook, the reason I suggest writing it  down is because you head cannot then go back and lie to you, as it is in black and white, there on paper – what you felt at that time; and take it from me don’t compare yourself to others and think that you are failing if you  haven’t met their timeframe.

After the five years it just got easier and easier for me and now I can talk about it, laugh about it (yes I laugh about some of it!) and cry about it sometimes, mainly with Rich because he still cries, and I cry for him!

So these two entries are to show you all that the same happened to me, this is how it works, you have a day when you are convinced that the future will be bright, followed by two days of despair. You just have to keep walking forward, small steps, as someone once saidto me all those years ago.

When I read this entry it did bring tears to my eyes for Rich.I found myself feeling so sorry for him, he went through as much hell as I did, if not more, but it took me years to realise that!

Moisy

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Journal Entry – Will the sadness go away?

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Sunday 24th June 2007

I had a nightmare last night. That Rich left me again and went off with ‘Her’. It was one of those awful dreams that just kept coming back every time you go to sleep.

I don’t know, although probably, if that was why I felt sad today. Not the wave of despair that I used to feel (I [pulled the plug on that bath a long time ago) but still sad.

As I am writing this I realise that one of the reasons for it is that Rich seems so happy because I am happy (happier); and that just emphasises how much he loves me. So it brought it home to me tonight- what he was so frightened of when he first came back – which is all he kept saying. “I am so frightened.” He was frightened that he would never get me back, that he had lost me forever.

But that makes me sad. Because although I understand the manipulation, the mistakes that he and I made, the circumstances that led us to it all, I still cannot understand why he let me down. I loved him so much, implicitly, without doubt or question. That has gone; and I am sad because I want to get that back – but I can’t.  And yes to a degree Rich has lost me. I can never one hundred per cent rely on him again. That man has gone for me; and I know that he desperately wants to come back, and I want him back, but I can’t. It is something that neither of us have any control over.

And for what? Something so stupid, so trivial, is that how much we meant to him? Why wasn’t it enough? Why did he have to nearly lose me to realise what he had? And now he doesn’t have that anymore.

I don’t know. Will it get better with time? Will the sadness go away?

Mois

Reflections 2018

Obviously not all of my journal entries are in my blog because it is a serialisation of my book; but in earlier entries I had started to write in my journal every day. It helped to take the thoughts out of my head and stop them from tormenting me. Just before this entry there had been periods of up to three days where I had not written in it, just because things had started to calm (or so I thought!). But now in this entry  I was back to writing in my journal again – every day.

The torment of feeling that one minute you are back to being ‘a little bit normal’ and then WHAM! It is all back stronger than before, for me was one of the main things that nearly made me walk away – many, many times.

Believe me, if you are going through this hell right now I have come to understand that this is the ‘new normal’ (for a time)   you will go up and down, up and down, it is not called an ‘Ocean of Emotion, or Bath of despair’ for nothing!

But I can tell you,with the benefit of hindsight, that it can get better; but you do need to get some sort of coping mechanism in place for the early days – because there was no way that I was anywhere near acceptance at this stage (even though I thought I was!)

I find this entry so sad; because the me of then, who wrote this entry, was right – once something is lost you will never get it back. I remember that immense sadness and pain so implicitly; the fear that it would never go away, and I would feel like that forever. This is one of the reasons I wrote this book, to help the person reading this understand that it can go away.

But only if you let it in time.

The saddest part of this entry is when I say ‘I loved him so much, implicitly, without doubt or question, that has gone.’ I love my husband to peices but not implicitly any more – I wouldn’t love anyone implicitly now.

I asked myself if what I had said in this entry was true – would I ever one hundred per cent rely on Rich again? The answer is clear because I live in rural France with him, on a very small monthly budget and we have to trust each other to make it work. So yes  I do one hundred per cent rely on Rich, in the same way that he relies on me. ~Do I trust him? Yes I do, but I believe it is a different trust, it is for me, because I will always have myself first, I don’t look to Rich to define me.

I have often been asked “Aren’t you frightened that he will do it again?” I have always said no because  I watched Rich pull himself through hell to keep me, and I know that there is no way that he is ever going to risk losing me again.

I would ask anyone who is trying to make it work, how hard is your partner working to keep you, and do you see what they do?

Some of  you will hate this question because that little monster in your head will immediately tell you it is irrelevant because they have cheated on you so it doesn’t matter how hard they are working now. Doesn’t it?

Here is the crucial question:  if you were in their shoes could you keep going? Be honest, if you felt like a cheat, was with someone who cried every day, sometimes all day, because of what you had done. Someone who screamed at you, hated you, loved you, blamed you for everything including rainy days would you stay?

I asked myself that question, often.

When Rich came back he did say nearly every day, from the first day he returned, that he was ‘so frightened’. I had forgotten that until now, he would whisper it often ‘I am so frightened’. So for the last eleven years I have watched Rich face every fear he had, never give up, cry rivers- even now – and  I can assure you he will never do it again. If your partner is trying as hard as Rich do you really think that they will do it again?

Only you can answer that question.

I have communicated with a number of people whose partners are not showing remorse, refuse to go to counselling, ascknowledge their failings but continue to act in the same way. To those people I will say what I always say – for me this is the first, primary, golden rule:

Always have yourself, without yourself you have nothing. From there you can decide what you want for you, and then you can decide if that is what you are getting now, and then you can decide what you want to do, based on your circumstances now, and then you can take action, for you! The risk is that you may walk away, your partner may never give you what you really want, and there lies the crux of whether you want to stay.

The second is: Do not be afraid of what might happen because the worst has already happened! So what is there to be afraid of?

Only by facing up to these things – becoming stronger – not bitter, will the sadness start to go away.

Despite how much I love Rich I know how strong I am, and I know to quote ‘Chantay Savage’ or ‘Gloria Gaynor’ ‘I will survive!’ I learnt that lesson well.

Moisy

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