Monday 9th July 2007
We went to Nel and Gus’s, on Saturday, and, as usual, Nel and I chatted. In the evening when I had a drink I got upset, because it was on my mind. I said that I needed Danny (told Danny) to cuddle me and to be more affectionate to me. To not be afraid that I would pull away, and I swore on my mum’s grave, that I wouldn’t pull away if he did this.
When I picked him up from work that day he was telling me about Dave, and how they had both ended up crying in the van whilst out on a job; him because he could “lose me over a fucking old shit”. I liked it when he called ‘her’ that. On the Sunday he was talking about ‘her’ and again called ‘her’ a “fucking old shit.” It made me feel better.
My hormones had also calmed down, and I realised that what I had said to Danny, about showing me more affection in some ways was one of the keys to overcoming it. I knew that he was worrying about what was on my mind, and that wasn’t helping him; I knew that I had to speak to him that day.
I spoke to Auntie Enid and Louise and they both agreed that this was something that had to be discussed, no matter how painful; to enable it to be boxed up and put away, because if I did not discuss it I would never move on.
Louise suggested that I should show Danny what I had written in my journal. I don’t think he could have coped with it all; but when we did talk I read him some bits, about closing his eyes and things like that, and the entry where I had said I didn’t want him anywhere near me on Friday, to show him how it was affecting me.
On the Sunday when I picked Danny up from work we went down to a quiet lane to chat; Danny thought that I was going to tell him to go (Danny’s biggest fear, as he always thinks that.) We talked about the sex with ‘her’.
I know my husband well enough to be able to tell from his face if he is lying. I made it clear, that if there is one thing we have both learnt from this it’s that I am the kind of person that needs to hear the truth, no matter how unpalatable. That is how I live my life – to deal with things head on.
Danny told me that throughout the whole time with ‘Her’ Danny could not maintain a hard on. He swears that he did shut his eyes, and thought of me; but that sometimes that just made things worse. That ‘she’ would get annoyed and say that he needed to learn to relax with ‘her’’; Silly bitch! ‘she’ just couldn’t see what was under her’ nose!
I said about it making me feel better when he called ‘her’ a slut, and reminded him of when he said he didn’t hate ‘her’; but he interrupted me and said that was a long time ago (13th of June – it just seems so long ago because we have come so far forward.) That now he does hate ‘her’, “Fucking hates’ her’”, for coming between us, for everything ‘She’ did to me, because he has had to fight so long to keep me; might still lose me because of ‘her,’ that he really hates ‘her,’ hates ‘her’ partner for the way he told me, for the way he kept coming over to tell me things, trying to make sure Danny never got me back.
I said to Danny how both of them, and Danny to some degree, never took me into account, my life, or my feelings; but that was their biggest mistake: to underestimate me. They grossly underestimated me; Danny said “They sure did, so did!”
I promised Danny that was it now, door closed. I thanked Nel and Louise. I know, now, it is time to move on.
We toasted our future in the garden and Danny said “Thank you.”
I did mean it. But then I found myself asking about why he started to see ‘her’ again in March; it freaked Danny out.
But we have moved on, need to move on. It will still come up from time to time – sometimes Danny will need to talk about it (but he doesn’t realise it now.)
I need to have the courage of my convictions. I want to close that door now, move forward now. To do that I must not only ensure all the lids are on the boxes but close the cupboard door.
I must look at all the positives from now and use them as my tools. I will also continue to keep my journal until I no-longer feel the need. But hopefully most of what I write will be positive.
Reflections Here & Now
At the time I wrote this entry I wanted to believe Danny, I wanted to believe that all that he was telling me was true. I needed to do it at that at the time to enable me to stay. I know that I would not be here now if I hadn’t. But now, all these years later, I don’t’ think that what Danny told me was true. I think he told me what he thought I wanted to hear because he wanted to keep me; and with all of the years of hindsight I can see he was right, if he had told me the truth I would not have been able to cope with it, and I would not have stayed.
For years after getting back together I would always say that if I don’t know about something I can’t deal with it. That is true for many things like illness, money, even feelings today; but at that time I know that I could not have handled all of the truth, and that I needed to let time pass to be able to then look back and realise that what I thought was important, the truth that I ‘had’ to know, wasn’t important at all. But only time could give me that.
When I read the part where I said that I knew my husband so well I laughed. I could tell when he was lying to me!! Really? I want to say to that Rosie because he had been lying to her for a year, he was lying to her when she wrote this entry. For different reasons this time, to protect her, but he was lying to her all the same!
Some of what Danny had said may have been true: I can believe that he lost his erection with ‘her’, but not every time, because I know now that was a lie! He told me that later in this journal! Of course it fucking was!
I believe that ‘she’ said he should learn to relax, but the facts were that Danny still tried to have sex with ‘her’ he still wanted to have sex with her. That one is not a unicorn of truth, it’s a fact!
When I visited the counsellor on my own back in the May (see Counselling it is he who should be sorry ) the counsellor explained to me how many people who leave their partners want to keep the other person happy; because in their mind they have already ruined everything with one person, so they need to keep something to prove to themselves that they are not going to fuck everything up! I listened to the Counsellors, she was telling me the facts, even though they were painful to hear.
I needed to hear Danny tell me that he could see through ‘her’; see how ‘she’ had manipulated and played us to ruin what we had. So when Danny told me he hated ‘her’, that really helped me; because of the way that he said it I knew that was the truth. That was a massive thing for me, a big thing for me to hold on to.
When I read this entry I smiled because I have written how we toasted our new life together in the garden, how I told Danny that ‘was it, we were moving forward’, and literally within half an hour I had brought something else up! I can remember Danny’s face, and I understand why he wanted it to all to just go away, but sorry it doesn’t work like that, and this was still early days!
It drives you insane though doesn’t it?! So I am highlighting this part because this is the normality: it will come up over and over again, until one day (if they allow it to) the person who has been betrayed will just think ‘Fuck this, I am bored with it now!’ I did.
This conversation was also an important one for me because I had started to recognise my own strength, and that even though they had all the players in the play, they had failed to recognise the strength of the leading lady. Me!
There is a bit more to this entry, but I will blog it separately because I know a lot of people are tying to follow the principle of small steps. Look out it will be coming soon.
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
Less than a year in, I felt that if we discussed the sexual aspect and even the whole thing in depth, that would be the end of it, we could drop it and move forward. Well, good in theory, but it not very practical. Like you, even now, I take what he said with a grain of salt. Couldn’t get hard, I can definitely believe that. He said they had ‘2 sessions’ and multiple tries. He said no sex is bad sex, but it wasn’t very good and I’m the best he’s had. He always said that before the affair, so I do believe that. Not sure how much of everything else I believe. But at this point, I don’t want any more details. xoxo Dolly
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No, exactly, you don’t need them; where would you go with them? A year in I believe you need to be looking at the person in front of you, in the here and now, because that’s the person you’re dealing with. It’s funny though how at the beginning the sex is a massive thing and then as time goes on you realise it was just a shag! The lies and trust are the bigger issues.
But as you said you don’t believe him, neither do I where Rich is concerned, but I do understand the lies.
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Well, a year in, after I was trying to drop it, was when he got his little STD ‘gift’ from the skank after saying all along he tried and they made out but never had intercourse. BAM trickle truth and then I had a little ‘explosion’. We were set back substantially, and I almost reopened the divorce… xo Dolly
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When I hear people demanding the truth, I always think of Jack Nicholson’s character in A few Good men sitting on the stand, bellowing out, “You can’t handle the truth.”
Over the last year I’ve read cliche after cliche about the truth. Folded them a few times. But one in particular has stuck with me, “if it can be destroyed by the truth, let it be destroyed.” I have very mixed feelings about that one…because although I do get the sentiment, too often the truth is used as a weapon.
lastly I want to thank one more time you, and Dolly, for helping me stay focused on the long ball and not on the short game. too often throughout this experience I have acted on the feelings I feel in the moment instead of simply giving them voice to be heard. I have tried time to make any big changes in the first year, but the first year is just about up…
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And your writing, and dollies, have really helped me remember that healing takes time and intention.
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the first year is the year you mark everything, but it’s a massively long haul and although I had decided I didn’t want to know about some things, there was still a long way to go, you will see we marked the anniversary of ‘The War’ by going away for the whole three weeks to France. Still too many memories.
My advice is don’t give yourself a time frame, just go with the flow. If you say that to yourself I virtually guarantee it will get easier. I am glad that you are finding our writing helpful, it’s why we shared it.
Yes, the artificial deadlines are not helpful. If you would have told me 12 months later, after all I’ve learned about myself and her patterns, about the infidelity, the triangles, and the theatrics of the Flying Monkey Squad, that I would still be open to having a conversation with her, I would have said you are out of your f****** mind.
Yet, here I am… I really was wanted to her. These feelings I still have are not about the guilt or shame or obligation. Don’t get me wrong I have those feelings, but that isn’t the reason that I would talk to her. I really did love my life with that woman. I really did f*** it up.
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I thunk Sean it’s because you haven’t been able to have those conversations that need to be had to move forward. Even if it is in the same way, to be able to say sorry, to be able to explain, to perhaps even hear her anger would all help. Your marking the year it’s going to be really tough, so say that to yourself and accept it, and it does not bite you as hard.
Thanks Moisy. I will. One day at a time right? Plus, can’t step in the same river twice. That’s what I keep telling myself.
It’s definitely, you said you were following the path of the tao. Have you written about how and why that has helped you? I only ask because I’d like to read it if you have.
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Hi Sean, I have written quite a lot in moisfrenchadventure, I have tagged some, when I mention it, or use it to reflect on life. The book I read was change your thoughts, change your life by Dr Wayne Dwyer. I would now love to read some of Alan Watts books on it.
When this happened to us I read ‘ counselling for Toads’ it breaks down Wind In the willows in such a way you will never look at it the same again. I followed that with ‘The road less travelled’ and I loved it. I found comfort in the Tao, but you have to be in a reflective place, so I think you will get a lot from it.
Give it a go, the first lesson is losing your ego! Boy do I get taught that lesson over and over!