Category: July 2007

The new beginning – Finding me again

 

Tuesday 31st July 2007

It’s not easy but I think I can do it – in getting the unwanted pictures out of my head.

I am now lying on the downs at Tankerton. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing everything out of my mind.

I have had a difficult day today. Not in having those things on my mind, but the sadness.

There are two issues:

  1. Getting the thoughts in my head under control.
  2. The sadness for what I have lost. The grief for the bereavement, for the waste of that love that I had, that I had never had for anyone else.

Time will heal that, I know it. How and what form that healing will take I don’t know.

But as I am writing this, and although I have cried with sadness today (a short cry, letting it all out like Sherri said. It is true it doesn’t last long anymore; no more heaving sobs – not if I don’t give way to it. There’s just grief.) I also know that despite what I have lost I would not want to go back to it:

  • A big fat lump that had really let myself go.
  • Someone who I am starting to see now was very frustrated, angry almost inside. Because what did she have? Everything centred on Rich; and although I was jolted out of that (kicking and screaming at the time.) I never want to be that person again. I don’t like her.
  • A couple who became so insular, so immersed in just themselves. You see Rich would want to go back that (because of his own insecurities, because of his own fear.) I don’t.

Rich has changed since he has been with me – Beth was right, I dragged him up with me. Although he is quite capable himself he does not believe that without me by his side.

In fact, perhaps sub-consciously he always knew I would come to my senses and that is why he thought he could not keep me.

So why am I with him now? I do find that thought popping into my head. Because I know how much he loves me; and when someone loves you that much and you do love them, then why walk away? There is something to work on.

The life we have created together keeps me here as well. I enjoy his company, and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he also gets on my tits.

I had to get on my bike today and come here on my own. Regain my independence and do things on my own. I do notice that when I am with Rich we do both slot into that ‘doing everything together’ mode. I did, however, only realise today how many arrangements I make to do things with other people. This has been a totally sub-conscious thing.

At the moment part of me still wants Rich to ring me, text me, reassure me. But the more I do things on my own the less that will get; and I need to do that. Rich will totally freak, just look hurt and say “Whatever you want.” But not really mean it. That is no-longer my problem.

I am enjoying myself, being myself, confident, self-sufficient, and not constantly thinking of someone else.

I am going to go to the pub on my own and have a glass of wine before I go home; and I haven’t brought my mobile with me; this is me time.

This has really helped.

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

I remember this day clearly. It was a beautiful sunny day, not hot, the wind had a slight chill in it, but there were bright blue skies with small puffs of cloud moving along quickly in the wind; and the sun was warm.

Tankerton is a pretty place with rolling downs that lead down to the beach and sea, dotted with beach huts on stilts. On this day there were lots of people there and I can remember watching them all and thinking how happy they all were, and here was I with my world in pieces, never knowing if I would really be happy again.

But I have learnt over the years that you see what you want to see, and I believed at that time that everyone was happier than me. Obviously that was not true, but when you are in a place where nothing seems to make sense you believe that everyone else has their shit together. Trust me they don’t; it’s the good old demon in your head spinning you a line!

This was such an important entry for me, because as I said in my previous journal entry I believed that we needed to start again, a new beginning and to do that I had to find me; I was right, I had to find myself again.

I had become ‘lost’ in Rich before ‘the War’, everything revolved around him; I worked part time so that I could support him in his career, whilst I renovated and managed the house and finances. I had lived my life for Rich and I knew that I could no longer do that; Rich could be part of my life but he could no longer be the centre of it – I had to be that.

So the start of that was to go somewhere on my own, and the choice is pertinent because I chose to go to the one place where Rich used to meet up with ‘her’ on his way to work. I chose this place because I knew that I had to face my fears to be able to move forward into my new life and to not let my fears and memories beat me anymore!

For me there are three main things in this entry that resonate with me today:

  • That I recognised that I did not want to be the person that I was before, in fact did not even like the person that I was before. When I read this entry it did stop me in my tracks, because I had recognised that even then.

Today Rich and I have looked back at the people that we were before ‘The War’ and we do not like them. How much we drank, the places that we drank, even today we have been talking about how we accepted people’s bad behaviours without question. We both agree that we really were a pair of arseholes.

  • The fact that I have said that I was an angry and frustrated person; because I can see now that I was. The Moira who wrote this entry was absolutely right I had been angry and frustrated; I had not been using my skills to their full potential and because of that I had would get angry and lose my temper at things; or make small things more important than they really were.

After ‘The War’ when I had begun to find myself again someone had said to me that I had ‘dumbed down’ and I knew that they were right: I did not want promotion at work, did not want to work full time, did not want to use my brain because that was the easy way out, and ‘The War’ made me see sense, as I have said in this entry; albeit ‘kicking and screaming at the time.’

I believe today that everything does happen for a reason, and that at times messages are sent to us and when we don’t listen then a lesson is sent to us; and more often than not that lesson is a hard one.  Even today I believe that my sister was right, I was being sent a message, a kick up the arse if you like, to find myself again.

  • The third and most important thing from this entry is that I can see that I wanted to stay with Rich because he made me laugh, because I enjoyed his company, that we get on well together, and that these were the things that made me love him. Real things, not romantic things; sometimes we forget that relationships are many things not just love and sex.

But I also love that fact that I can also see that he “gets on my tits.” Looking back now I probably get on his “tits” as well! That’s life!

I did go to the pub; I sat in the garden on my own and showed myself that I did not need to fear being on my own. That I needed to embrace being my own person, an individual who did not start and end with Rich; and this was the start of doing this. So I had two glasses of wine whilst I read my book.

Moira had started to find herself again and it was crucial to our survival.

Moisy

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She’s Always a Woman     Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her, as long it’s free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me

Ohhh…she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time
Ohhh…and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind…..

Journal entry: A new beginning

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29th July 2007 

The Future

 

After what I have written on the previous page, I feel that I need to close that chapter. Start a new chapter, for a new beginning.

 

“The future – a New Beginning!

 

Reflections 2018

After my journal entry on the 29th of July 2007  I went back later in the day and decided to mark ‘the end’ of talking about what had happened. I hoped that i would be able to concentrate on the future. So on a new page I wrote the above. Marked it as a new section of my journal.

It was another coping mechanism! I thought that if I did it then it would happen! I was wrong! Three months is no time at all when you are dealing with grief, and you will see from future entries that I still struggled for a long time because I still had so much that I had to accept.

At the three month stage I had accepted that what we had was dead and gone and was not coming back. What I hadn’t realised was that although I knew and understood that I still needed to grieve for it; and I hadn’t realised that there was still going to be so much more to accept. But what I had realised was we were going to have to make something new and so I symbolically made a new section in my journal to show a commitment to it.

As William Blake said “Hindsight is a wonderful thing but foresight is better, especially when it comes to saving life, or some pain!”. So although i can look back and know that I still had a lot of pain to go through at the time my brain did what it had to because it gave me hope to save me some pain!

I lived in hope, and at this stage that is one of the main things that you need to hold onto if you want to survive. Hope.

Moisy

 

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I don’t think I can do this

Journal Entry – 3 months of recovery: Own It!

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Sunday 29th July 2007

It’s over. I have to let it go.

I have to let go of what happened and look at what we can create new, better even. I do actually believe that.

I have come to a lot of conclusions this week, and all in all, since about Wednesday it has been a very difficult week.

I could not get out of my head what Rich had done; why Rich had done it; the deceit.

I know how much I have changed over the last three months…… so much.

When Rich first came back I had written in this journal that he wanted back what we had, and that he wanted the same. But now I know that we can never have that back; ever!

It has gone, died; Rich killed it by what he did.

I am different, stronger, me again. I know that I don’t need Rich for materialistic things, because I could sell up and buy a really nice flat on my own. – But, also that is why I stay. I love him, and ironically, despite what happened, I know that Rich loves me.

But I have also realised that I needed to talk to Rich about the ‘Why?’  Why did he do it? All of it? Tell him how it made and makes me feel. For the first time in my life take the monkey off my back and put it onto someone else’s – Rich’s, because he put it there in the first place.

So on Friday I did that; I told him that we can never have back what we had (I don’t actually want that back anymore. But Rich does because he is distraught at what he has lost.)

I know that really hurt him, but tough!! I never asked to be where I am, and I do feel, at times, that I have been pussy footing around Rich and working so hard to make him feel alright that I have forgotten about me.

Now the time has come to sort me out, no matter how hard Rich finds it.

It helped putting the monkey on his back, a lot!

It upset him but there you go I am upset! And there was a time, not so long ago, when no-body worried about me.

I made Rich talk to me about Grays and why he went to meet her there in the October; I asked why he started seeing ‘Her’ again in February; told him when I thought he was lying, asked him when he thought of me! I know it really upset him, and perhaps part of me was happy he was so upset.

Toni came up from Cornwall this weekend and we went to see Mary. I went out to show Mary Rich’s new car and we were talking. Rich’s face when we came back into the garden – he looked so worried, so alone. I don’t want him to look like that, so I went over and kissed him. But later I started to think about the answers he gave about Grays; and there have been three different versions so far! The one thing I need Rich to be now is honest, as he has lied to me too often and too long. And then that fact gets to me!

When he got home we ended up arguing over it. I ended up really upset about it all – it all came out, if you like. I told him how he wanted to run away from this part of our recovery, wanted to pretend and ignore it; but it is my head all the time, and I can’t ignore it, and he put it there!

Rich got defensive, the worst thing he can do. So I told him it was over, that I can’t do it. Rich needs to make amends for what he has done and not keep being afraid. I gave him back my wedding ring.

One of the things that gets to me is when I am upset Rich just stands there. I used what had happened in Mary’s garden today as a comparison. It should not, cannot be me who does all the consoling and reassuring. Rich fucked it up! Rich has to fix it, not me!

So I told him that was his last chance to have the courage of his convictions and face his fears. I walked away from him, and he came after me. He had my wedding ring on his little finger, and asked me to put it back on.

But I have said it all now; got all of my demons out. Rich has been honest, must still deal with his guilt, and I will help him, if he wants me to. But ultimately it is his problem.

This is a new beginning, a new relationship. I need to let go of what happened because it was in the past and I don’t want it to affect my life anymore.

I always pride myself on being able to get a grip, and I need to now. I need to stand up to the line, have the courage of my convictions and look at what I have now.

I need to practice what I preach.

Mois

Reflections 2018

I don’t know if you have ever heard of ‘the monkey on your back’: This is where other people give you their problems which then, in their minds become your problem and not theirs; it is a good analogy in fact I still use that analogy in my life now. I know now that in psychology terms this is actually recognised as ‘transference’ when someone else’s problem suddenly becomes your problem and not theirs. Does anybody recognise this? You try to give someone a solution to a problem they have told you about and they keep putting obstacles in the way?

This entry marks a major turning point  in our recovery: I was right I had to think about me, and ensure that I was alright first, and part of that was giving Rich his monkey back – making him own what he had done, and making him accept that it was his responsibility that we were where we were.

In this journal entry I have started to see how much effort I was putting in: facing up to everything, trying to put solutions into place, whilst Rich just cowered in the corner frightened of what he had done.

There I was carrying the responsibility, working to try and heal us, not saying how bereft and distraught I felt; not challenging the lies he was telling me just so we could survive. So I was right: Rich did have to take responsibility for what he had done, and face his fears, one of which was that he did not like himself, because he had let himself down.

By this time I’d had enough driving myself insane and I had started to feel as if I was clinging onto something that was only making me miserable. I had got to the place where I had nothing to lose; so I gave Rich his monkey back and told him to own it by telling him how I felt, what I needed, challenged his lies, and refused to cower to his defensiveness and anger by giving him my ring back and walking away. I took a chance because I could not stay with it the way it was.

Rich and I got to where we are eleven years later by learning from our mistakes and owning them.

At the time I wrote this entry I had still not fully realised that pride was my deadly sin; and that pride was the thing that was making me keep asking Rich about what had happened; I had to know, I must know! I could not bear the thought that he was still lying to me because I had believed his lies before; and this made me feel as if  I was the one who had let myself down because I had turned a blind eye to the things that were screaming at me that something was wrong; and now to think that Rich was still lying to me directly impacted on my pride.

So I kept asking about the episode in Grays that he told me about when we met in the car park before he came back (The Surrender Part 2….. ) because in my mind this is when it had all started; when they had started to play me for the fool. As I have said things were not adding up, I had heard three different versions already and as we all know when that happens it just makes you ask more and more. You will see later in my story that was still not the truth, and I still don’t know the truth now! The only difference is that I know that I never will so I have made up my own mind about the truth (as always it is a recurring theme in this book) and  I’ve moved on.

This entry does show that after this discussion Rich did face up to his fears, of course or I wouldn’t be writing this now! He started that night by coming after me with my ring on his finger and asking me to put it back on. That told me that Rich had listened to what I had said.

I faced up to my fears: Which was namely that Rich may leave again, and I challenged him in the future whenever I thought he was lying to me and whenever he got defensive. I overcame the fear that he may leave because I realised that that worst had happened he already had once and that I had survived once I could do it again! I had started to find myself again so I started to practice what I preached, I stepped up to the plate and looked after me first.

To understand how we now live happily together in France keep reading there are more stories to come, and more entries to share.

If you think this blog will help someone who is currently going through the madness of infidelity then please share; that is why I am sharing our story.

Moisy

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Journal Entry: Small steps and small things got us here today

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I left this back from the last journal entry because I think that it is an important piece of advice that I can give you – and the Moisy from then can give you:

Monday 9th July 2007 

Positives for the future:

  1. Rich said thank you.
  2. Rich hates ‘Her,’ regrets it so much.
  3. Rich would do anything to keep me.
  4. Rich is so sorry for what he has done.
  5. Wants us to work so badly.
  6. Rich is so happy when I am happy (what more could anyone want?!)
  7. Rich maintains (big time) his erection with me.
  8. Loves me so much.
  9. I love Rich so much.
  10. Would give everything up for me.
  11. I am the most important thing in Rich’s life.
  12. I have found myself. I understand my head for the first time ever.
  13. I have lost weight and got fit.
  14. Realise how many people I have who care about me/us.
  15. We work well together as a team. Isn’t that what life is really about? Isn’t love just part of the equation?
  16. Rich would never do it again.
  17. Back, very closely now, with Beth. Better than we ever were.
  18. Have a better relationship with Tom.
  19. Rich treasures everything about us, every good moment that we have.
  20. Rich never wants to lose me.

I will use this list at times. But I am hoping that any future entries will mostly be positive (apart from the hormones!)

Reflections 2018

This list of positives show how I clung to anything to keep me in the relationship. I realised over time, and especially when I read my journal again years later, how many times i did this; and how many times Rich did it as well. I could see as I read my journal  how crucial all the small things were to get us to where we are today.

I have often said to other people hold on to really small things, don’t dismiss them, because they go on to make the big things, like little pieces of a jigsaw until in the end you can see the whole picture. It is easy when you are hurt to dismiss them, I know I did at times , but it is clear that my sub conscious mind made a little note of them because it is my sub conscious mind that I am sharing in my journal.

So my suggestion would be to write them down, so that when the demon tells you that you are right to tell them to ‘fuck off’ have a look at your list and remind yourself of the small things. (I especially love number 7!!) No seriously I love them all.

When I sit here now and I read what I hoped for:  That future entries would hopefully be positive it makes me smile, because I know that we were still at the very beginning of our journey to where we are now, and as you will see the highs and the lows just kept coming, as the next few entries will show……..

Moisy

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Journal entry: The things I wanted to believe…

 

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Monday 9th July 2007 

It’s done!!

We went to Nel and Gus’s, on Saturday, and, as usual, Nel and I chatted. In the evening when I had a drink I got upset, because it was on my mind. I said that I needed Rich (told Rich) to cuddle me and to be more affectionate to me. To not be afraid that I would pull away, and I swore on my mum’s grave, that I wouldn’t pull away if he did this.

When I picked him up from work that day he was telling me about Dave, and how they had both ended up crying in the van whilst out on a job; him because he could “lose me over a fucking old shit”. I liked it when he called ‘her’ that. On the Sunday he was talking about ‘her’and again called ‘her’ a “fucking old shit.” that made me feel better.

My hormones had also calmed down, and I realised that what I had said to Rich, about showing me more affection in some ways was one of the keys to overcoming it. I knew that he was worrying about what was on my mind, and that wasn’t helping him; I knew that I had to speak to him that day.

I spoke to Auntie Edie and Beth and they both agreed that this was something that had to be discussed, no matter how painful, to enable it to be boxed up and put away, because if I did not discuss it I would never move on.

Beth suggested that I should show Rich what I had written in my journal. I don’t think he could have coped with it all; but when we did talk I read him some bits, about closing his eyes and things like that, and the entry where I had said I didn’t want him anywhere near me on Friday, to show him how it was affecting me.

On the Sunday when I picked Rich up from work we went down to  a quiet lane  to chat; Rich thought that I was going to tell him to go (Rich’s biggest fear, as he always thinks that.) We talked about  the sex with ‘her’.

I know my husband well enough to be able to tell from his face if he is lying. I made it clear, that if there is one thing we have both learnt from this it’s that I am the kind of person that needs to hear the truth, no matter how unpalatable. That is how I live my life – to deal with things head on.

Rich told me that throughout the whole time with ‘Her’ Rich could not maintain a hard on. He swears that he did shut his eyes and thought of me; but that sometimes that just made things worse. That ‘she’ would get annoyed and say that he needed to learn to relax with ‘her’’; Silly bitch! ‘she’ just couldn’t see what was under her’ nose!

I said about it making me feel better when he called ‘her’ a slut, and reminded him of when he said he didn’t hate ‘her’; but he interrupted me and said that was a long time ago (13th of June – it just seems so long ago because we have come so far forward.) That now he does hate ‘her’, “Fucking hated ‘her’”, for coming between us, for everything ‘She’ did to me, because he has had to fight so long to keep me; might still lose me because of ‘her,’ that he really hates ‘her,’ hates ‘her’ partner for the way he told me, for the way he kept coming over to tell me things, trying to make sure Rich never got me back.

I said to Rich how both of them, and Rich to some degree, never took into account me, my life, or my feelings; but that with those two their biggest mistake was to underestimate me. They grossly underestimated me; Rich said “They sure did, so did!”

I promised Rich that was it now, door closed. I thanked Nel and Beth. I know, now, it is time to move on.

We toasted our future in the garden and Rich said “Thank you.”

I did mean it. But then I found myself asking about why he started to see ‘her’ again in March; it freaked Rich out.

But we have moved on, need to move on. It will still come up from time to time – sometimes Rich will need to talk about it (but he doesn’t realise it now.)

I need to have the courage of my convictions. I want to close that door now, move forward now. To do that I must not only ensure all the lids are on the boxes but close the cupboard door.

I must look at all the positives from now and use them as my tools. I will also continue to keep my journal until I no-longer feel the need. But hopefully most of what I write will be positive.

 

Reflections 2018

At the time I wrote this entry I wanted to believe Rich, I wanted to believe that all that he was telling me was true; I needed to do this at this time to stay. I still think I was right to do that because I would no be here now if I hadn’t.  But now, eleven years later I dont’ think that what he told me was true. I think he told me what he thought I wanted to hear because he wanted to keep me; and with eleven years of hindsight he was right.

For years after getting back together I would always say that if I don’t know about something I can’t deal with it. That is true for many things like illness, money, even feelings today; but at that time I know that I could not have handled all of the truth, and that I needed to let time pass to be able to then look back and realise that what I thought was important, the truth that I had to know, wasn’t important at all, But only time could give me that. /

When I read the part where I said that I knew my husband so well I laughed. I could tell when he was lying to me!! Really! I want to say to that Moisy he had been lying to you for a year girl, he was lying to you now. For different reasons this time, to protect you, but he was lying to you all the same!

Some of what Rich had said may have been true: I can believe that he lost his erection with ‘her’, but not every time, because I know now that was a lie! He told me that later in this journal! Of course it fucking was!

I believe that she said he should learn to relax but the facts were that Rich still tried to have sex with ‘her’ he still wanted to to have sex with her. That one is not a unicorn of truth, it’s a fact!

When I visited the counsellor on my own back in the May (see Counselling it is he who should be sorry ) the counsellor explained to me how many people who leave their partners want to keep the other person happy; because in their mind they have already ruined everything with one person, so they need to keep something to prove to themselves that they are not going to fuck everything up!  I listened to her, she was telling me the facts, even though they were painful to hear.

I needed to hear Rich tell me that he could see through ‘her’; see how ‘she’ had manipulated and played us, to ruin what we had. So when Rich told me he hated ‘her’ that really helped me; because the way that he said it I knew that was the truth. This was a massive thing for me, a big thing for me to hold on to.

When I read this entry I smiled because I have written how we toasted our new life together in the garden, how I told Rich that ‘was it we were moving forward’, and literally within half an hour I had brought something else up! I can remember Rich’s face, and I understand why he wanted it to all just go away, but sorry it doesn’t work like that and this was still early days!

Drives you insane though doesn’t it?! So I am highlighting this part because this is the normality: it will come up over and over again until one day (if they allow it to) the person who  has been betrayed will just think ‘Fuck this, I am bored with it now!’

This conversation was also an important one for me because I had started to recognise my own strength; and that even though they had all the players in the play, they had failed to recognise the strength of the leading lady. Me!

There is a bit more to this entry, but I will blog it separately because I know a lot of people are tying to follow the principle of small steps. Look out it will be coming soon.

Moisy

 

Journal entry – When someone you love has had sex with someone else, it’s unbearable

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Friday 6th July 2007 

I have just cried. I know I am hormonal, so that is a contributing factor but sometimes I still feel like crying. The biggest thing for me  is that in my head there lies the the fact that Rich had sex with ‘Her’.

I think that at the beginning of this journal I said that wasn’t the main thing for me. That it was for Rich but not for me. I did mean it at the time, and perhaps it was because I had so many other things in my head to deal with.

Now I don’t have as many things in my head, which is a good thing; but it has also opened the way for me to deal with what was actually the worst thing of all. And perhaps at the beginning it was just too big for me to deal with so I put it to the back of my mind.

Now it is here and I know, as is my nature that I have to confront it to deal with it. But how do I do that? I am hoping that by writing this in my journal it will help me.

I know that Rich says that he thought he had lost me, and that he was only going through the motions. That he had to shut his eyes and think of me. But although I really want to believe him I can’t.

I know Rich well enough and if he had something on his mind he would not be able to get an erection. – It happened often enough with us. He had sex with ‘Her’ on the night he text me about collecting his things, the night before he came back (supposedly because he thought he had totally lost me, that I had changed my number, because I had not text back.) How did he do that?

Rich says that if I had not text back he would have come to work and waited by my car; when? In a day? A week?  A month? I don’t believe he ever would have.

I am crying now, but I know that I have to write these thoughts down to make some sense in my head. (That’s the control freak in me!)

I know that Rich had a fumbling session with ‘Her’ (crap!) when were together. But if he loved me (loves me, sorry shouldn’t use past tense.) how could he have sex with ‘Her’ after he left? (Which was supposedly something he regretted from the minute he shut the front door.) I want to believe so much, but can’t. I am not that type of person (sometimes I wished I was) and that undermines us.

We went to the counsellor and she said that we had an “inner couple” that not everybody has. That to the trained eye you could see the couples who were likely to surive and those that were not.

I know that Rich loves me, I know that he is so happy we are back together, I know he got caught up in something, I know his weaknesses and guilt made him run away. But how come his grief at our break up, his guilt and his love for me did not prevent him from being able to have sex with ‘Her? ‘

Something does not tie up. I don’t feel that I can talk to Rich about this; but I fear that if I don’t it will destroy us. He thinks we are moving forward, and we are in a lot of things, but for me, right now, I feel this will always hold me back and eventually destroy us.

I have found this really hard. I am hoping I can find some resolution. That I will look back in a couple of months and be able to see it has got better.

We have had lots of good points this week. But I can’t write about them right now because this overshadows them.

5.15pm

I can’t read what I have written because I have been upset all day. Spoke to Nel for an hour after writing it. Agreed that my hormones have a lot to do with how I feel, but I also know,  that this is the final and hardest hurdle.

I am going to provide a makeup party for Helen’s daughter’s birthday, and I am looking forward to it. I promised Helen I would be okay, and funny, like me, how I normally am!

Rich has picked up that something is wrong; but I will stick to my plan that I drew up with Nel – wait until the hormones are gone and keep writing in here. Then see how I feel.

Helen said that Rich says those things to make things better, because he is so desperate not to lose me. But I think that it is more to make Rich feel better because he does not want to lose me, and hates what he has done.

I suppose that in some way that should make me feel better. That is how little he thinks of ‘Her,’ or what they did. In some ways it does.

I know that it may not be all that I am making it out to be in my head. But unless Rich talks to me about it I will never know. What if it was what I think in my head? How would I deal with that? And even if Rich told me it wasn’t would I believe him?

Right now I don’t want to kiss Rich, let alone do anything else. 

This is going to be my hardest test. Because right now I feel that I need space from Rich; and for us to survive I have to overcome that. I have told him to have a sleep for half an hour.

How ironic that bloke from the pub called me today and left a message. I am not interested. But perhaps it now gives Rich a dose of the situation he has put himself in.

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

This is the big one! When you start to try and repair what you have you have and you have to confront the most heart breaking thing of all, because that was how I felt at that time.

This entry shows this, I could not even go back and read it at the time, couldn’t write about the good things, because this one thing took over my brain like an alien. It burst out of the box that I had been trying to keep it in (those boxes don’t work  folks this is way too big!) like an explosion, like an evil clown and I can remember how everytime the thought came in my head I felt as if I was going to throw up; I could feel a physical pain in my heart, as if some sadistic bastard was squeezing it!

Thinking of Rich and’Her’ in ‘the act’, imagining all sorts of things, mainly how wonderful and romantic it must have been; I could picture Rich holding her, on top of her, caressing her, all the things that he should have only been doing with me. The Demon had a field day telling me how they must have laughed about me, compared me, and it literally made me feel sick. My husband was being intimate with someone else, when it should have only ever been something between him and I.

I thought back to all those times that Rich and I had been together whilst he had been seeing ‘her’ behind my back, all those times he must have been running through his head things that he had done with ‘her’. Even though Rich denied that he had ever had full sex with her before he left, I did not believe him, and I still don’t!

What I had written was right  I had to confront it, even though I was terrified of whether  I would be able to move forward in my life with Rich when I had heard the details, I thought I would not be able to live my life at all without hearing them.

Months before, when Rich and I had gone to France for a weekend,  we had argued and I had screamed at him how  the sex we had was just a ‘shag’ – meaningless sex that I could have with anyone. That is what it had done to me, I did not make love with Rich I shagged him!! I know now that it was as we built something new that we would then be able to make love, nothing that we had before counted, and it still doesn’t!

I don’t want to trivialise the awfulness of knowing that the person that you love, or loved, has had sex with someone else; because as I have said in this entry I was so afraid of it. Looking back, with the benefit of years of recovery behind me, and knowing what  we went through, I can tell you these things:

As I said to Rich that a ‘shag was just a shag’ that works both ways. That was how he was able to get an erectionwith ‘her’ because in his head at that time he had to keep the life he was trying to build with ‘her’ because he had fucked up the life he had built with me and had nowhere else to go! -That is why he was able to perform the night before he came back to me! I know that now, I get that, because that is exactly what I did to Rich when we first got back together.

More often than not the person who has committed the adultery is more afraid of this conversation than you are; often because when you ask them why, which you will, over and over again, they cannot tell you, because they do not know. Even now. years later,  if you asked Rich why, he would tell you that he does not know! We know the circumstances that led up to it, we know the where’s and whys;  but for Rich then when he was faced with what he was likely to lose he wondered himself why the fuck he had done it, and said he didn’t know why. Today he will still say it because the enormity of what he could have lost hits him; and I know that he asks himself that question over and over again; I don’t!

When you ask them how often (fuck me do I remember that one!) Where? What position? Did they use a condom (of course they’re going to say yes!). They won’t want to tell you that they fucked like rabbits, because that would hurt you even more. They will tell you that they couldn’t get it up, or it was just a fumble, some of which might or might not be true but you’re never going to believe them. The heart will want to but the demon won’t let you believe them.

They will not want to tell you that they enjoyed it, because they do not want to hurt you anymore than they have already!  And, as in Rich’s case, they do not want to lose you.  Which is ironic because in the early stages they have lost you, they are now trying to win you back (or should be!)

Now coming from the point of view of the person who has been hurt, I needed to know, had to know. But looking back how do I know if what Rich was telling me was the truth? How will I ever know? ‘She’ could crawl back out of the woodwork and say the ‘truth’ and how would I know if that were the truth either? We are back to the Unicorn of Truth! It only exists if you believe it!

You will see from further journal entries in my book that I asked about this over and over, grilled Rich, did everything but shine a light in his eyes; he gave me answers, but I grilled him to such a degree that in the end he was giving me different answers, anything that he thought that I wanted to hear, and of course then I picked him up in the conflicting things he had said and threw things back at him.

Have you been there yet?

I was, quite literally driving myself nuts, as you would see from the next few entries from my journal.

It took me months to realise that I was beating a dead horse, it was never going to talk and I was never going to know the truth, and more importantly even if I did know the truth it was never going to give me any peace. I had to make my own peace.

Now years later I know that it doesn’t matter, and it never did. We were either going to try and make it work or not. Time has helped me understand that what we have here and now is what’s important and should not be compromised because of something that happened in the past.

But I understand that most people who are reading this will be people who are going through what we went through, and they may find this hard to read, you just have to trust me, it can get easier but only if you let it.

I suppose that what I am trying to say  is you will, at some point in the future, have to decide if you can live with this or not; and you will have to decide what is important to you. What you have now? Or what you have lost that can never be recovered? And after that decide how you want to live your life: With them, or without them? Because you could, quite literally, drive yourself insane.

I have put in this entry that when Rich said that they had a fumble together, that I thought that this particular confession was crap. I didn’t believe him, I didn’t think they had a ‘fumble’ I thought they had a ‘shag’ and I still do. I made my decision and I moved forward with that decision in my head.

I have asked some of the bloggers of today ‘ Will it help if you know they had sex doggy style, hanging from the ceiling, twenty times in a day, will this make you feel better? Will you know it’s the truth? I don’t know the answer only you can answer that, because reflection and honesty with yourself is one of the only things that will get you through this.

The only key one is did they use a condom because they at least owe you the chance to make sure that your health has not been compromised, maybe you should point that out to them – because whilst I didn’t catch anything Rich lied about using one!

I can tell you the only thing we know is trueL  Your partner had sex with someone else.

On the balance of probability it maybe wasn’t great sex because they felt guilty; they would have felt a frisson of excitement because it was something new, something ‘naughty’; it was something that made them feel special in a world where they felt vulnerable. But if they were honest when reality hit home after the rush of hormones, having sex with someone else just made them feel more vunerable – forever because what what they did will never go away!

So at some point in the future please remember this chapter and when you need to read it again; I have been blunt, but this time the unicorn of truth exists becuase I have been honest!

In the future only you can make your decisions and build your life on what you have decided to believe, because this time you’re the one in control of your life,  you know where you stand! Finally!

As I said personally I believed the worse, because nothing can bite me on the arse then!

Always in control!

Moisy

 

 

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Two Journal entries because this is a big one – What is normal?

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Normal:

Something that conforms to a standard, type or regular pattern.

Something that we have come to expect.

Ordinary or usual

Journal entry – Wednesday 11th July 2007 

Why won’t this sadness go away? Or am I asking too much?

It is still a bereavement, at times I feel am still in shock at what has happened. – Because I was so sure of our love and commitment for each other, that nothing would ever tear something so good apart; that it was the most rock solid thing that I was ever going to have, and it wasn’t!

All Rich says is that he does love me as much as I thought he did, because he came back. I suppose from that he means that he couldn’t keep away. I understand that part; but why did he do it? I still, at times, (not all the time, not like before), feel an immense sadness about it all; and it does drive a wedge between us, but I am so hoping that will get less.

Rich did try so hard yesterday. Cleaned inside my car with lovely smelling cleaners, cuddled and kissed me; but as he said last night, when we talked, it just never seems to be enough.

I understand as I am writing this what he means, and I don’t know if it will ever be enough.

I want it to be.

As I have said before, I cannot throw away the love that I know we do have. But perhaps I continually ask him to be over the top with his affection because I know that will make me stay. And I am afraid of myself, afraid that eventually I won’t be able to. Perhaps I do still want that ‘special love’. Perhaps, if we can get through this, that is what Rich and I will achieve. But at the moment the wound is still so raw, I cannot see that happening. And perhaps it is ‘the test of time’ to see if we can / If I can stick it out.

I will try. Only time will tell.

I will give it time.

Mois

Thursday 12th July

I cried at work yesterday, but I do think some of it was my hormones. Rich cried at home.

I think he was walking around the house, doing the housework, bawling his eyes out! What a pair! What does that say? I had rung him and told him I was upset.

When I got home he had done so much, mopped the floor, hoovered through, and cleaned our bedroom. He so wanted to show me what he had done. I know that this is a reflection of his love for me, I don’t doubt Rich’s love for me, especially now, and that it what I must focus on.

I gave him a big kiss, we kissed many times; I know we both feel the same. I played him an R Kelly song which has the lines

 “and you had enough love for both of us,

but I did you wrong, I admit I did,

and now I’m facing the rest of my life alone.

if I could turn back the hands of time……..”

It made him cry, made me cry; and I kissed him and said “We will make it darling, it just takes time.”

He grabbed me and said “We will won’t we?”

“Promise?”

Mois
Reflections 2018

And we did make it!

But I feel so sad when I read some people’s struggle, as I can still relate today on how hard it is, you feel as if it will never go away; it will, but only if you let it.

I hope that I can show you when you read my madness and relate to it that you too  can survive it because we did. We are here today, living another adventure in which we have to trust each other  despite what happened to us.

So I put these two entries together to show you how my days were full of huge ups and even bigger downs. I think that one of the reasons that it was happening to me was because I wanted it to be over; wanted to ‘move on’, get back to ‘normality.’

The thing was, I was not accepting the fact that I did not actually know what normality was anymore. Everything that I thought was normal had in fact been blown apart by ‘The ‘War.’ The ‘Normal’ as I had once known it had gone and it wasn’t coming back.

It was only when I accepted this, we accepted this  (because, importantly,  Rich needed to accept the fact that what we had he had broken; and that no matter what he did he would never be able to fix what we had; he could only work hard and build something new) only then did things start to get easier. But it is a passage of time that you have to go through and come out the other side, you have no choice; it takes time because first you have to realise that you have lost your ‘normal’ and then you have to grieve for it. But don’t grieve forever, to such a degree that you cannot see the new things that you are making, be careful that demon doesn’t suck you in on that front!

People have asked me how long it took to get over it; I don’t think that you ‘get over it’! I think that you get stronger from it, but this will depend on whether you can accept where you are. To survive you have to accept that it happened and that your life changed because of it and then, and only then you can move forward.

I find that people think it just takes a couple of months, or up to a year, but you will see from our story it took over two years before it no longer consumed our lives; and I would honestly say, for me, about five years before I no longer thought about it every day.

I can remember the Counselor saying to me that they set a six month timeframe: that ‘normally’ at six months you should be able to go through a day without thinking about it; and there is that word again! Normally!  I can remember panicking as October came our way, because there was no way that I was going to stop thinking about it every day at that point, when in actual fact that was my normal. I have a strong personality, I had a lot of pride to deal with so there was never any possibility that I was not going to be thinking about what had happened at the six month stage!

So yes ask other people how long it took them, but remember – what is their normal may not be yours, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

I would suggest that you try and keep something that will show you that things are getting better, a journal, a notebook, the reason I suggest writing it  down is because you head cannot then go back and lie to you, as it is in black and white, there on paper – what you felt at that time; and take it from me don’t compare yourself to others and think that you are failing if you  haven’t met their timeframe.

After the five years it just got easier and easier for me and now I can talk about it, laugh about it (yes I laugh about some of it!) and cry about it sometimes, mainly with Rich because he still cries, and I cry for him!

So these two entries are to show you all that the same happened to me, this is how it works, you have a day when you are convinced that the future will be bright, followed by two days of despair. You just have to keep walking forward, small steps, as someone once saidto me all those years ago.

When I read this entry it did bring tears to my eyes for Rich.I found myself feeling so sorry for him, he went through as much hell as I did, if not more, but it took me years to realise that!

Moisy

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