Lists! I kept lists, they enabled me to focus on the good as well as the bad. Small things all became so important. I wrote this list in my journal for Danny to read.
Monday 9th July 2007
Positives for the future:
- Danny said thank you.
- Danny hates ‘Her,’ regrets it so much.
- Danny would do anything to keep me.
- Danny is so sorry for what he has done.
- Wants us to work so badly.
- Danny is so happy when I am happy (what more could anyone want?!)
- Danny maintains (big time) his erection with me.
- Danny Loves me so much.
- I love Danny so much.
- Would give everything up for me.
- I am the most important thing in Danny’s life.
- I have found myself. I understand my head for the first time ever.
- I have lost weight and got fit.
- Realise how many people I have who care about me/us.
- We work well together as a team. Isn’t that what life is really about? Isn’t love just part of the equation?
- Danny would never do it again.
- Back, very closely now, with Louise . Better than we ever were.
- Have a better relationship with Ethan
- Rich treasures everything about us, every good moment that we have.
- Rich never wants to lose me.
I will use this list at times. But I am hoping that any future entries will mostly be positive (apart from the hormones!)
This list of positives show how I clung to anything to keep me in the relationship. I realised over time, and especially when I read my journal again years later, how many times I did this; and how many times Danny did it as well. I could see as I read my journal how crucial all the small things were to get us to where we are today.
I have often said to other people hold on to really small things, don’t dismiss them, because they go on to make the big things, like little pieces of a jigsaw until in the end you can see the whole picture. It is easy when you are hurt to dismiss them, I know I did at times , but it is clear that my sub conscious mind made a little note of them because it is my sub conscious mind that I am sharing in my journal.
So my suggestion would be to write them down, so that when the demon tells you that you are right to tell them to ‘fuck off’ have a look at your list and remind yourself of the small things. (I especially love number 7!!) No seriously I love them all.
When I sit here now and I read what I hoped for: That future entries would hopefully be positive it makes me smile, because I know that we were still at the very beginning of our journey to where we are now, and as you will see the highs and the lows just kept coming, as the next few entries will show……..