My last post seemed to have resonated with a lot of people.
It is my journal entry from the autumn after Danny and I got back together – five months in – and my heart was still broken beyond recognition (and would be for some time to come.) I had written in my jounal that I wanted that ‘all time love.’ A lot of people who have been betrayed reacted to it, and of course I understand why. How can we, as the betrayed, ever feel that we will get that ‘all time love again? It seems impossible, how can it ever be possible?
This caused some debate, and I have included in this blog a post from the wonderful Dolly Allen over at the queen is in But…
Dolly and her H reconciled over two years ago, and they have both recognised the difficulties that contributed to the affair, read her blog it is another story, and has so much to offer, especially those who are looking for hope. https://thequeenisincom.wordpress.com/author/dollyallenauthor/
Those who read my other blog will know that I do believe that life shows you the way and weirdly I had already started to draft this:
I read recently a post from someone who said that the ‘The Fairy-tale’ was ruined; and it made me look up the definition of fairy tale:
Some of the words to define it are myth, fantasy, idealised, but also extremely happy and romantic. For me they conflict, how can you be extremely happy and romantic in something that is a myth, fantasy and, more importantly, idealised? Surely then the romantic happiness that you have is not real and will eventually fall apart one day?
So here is my idea of a relationship: It is not a fairy tale, it is real; with real life biting you on the arse at every turn; with bills, stress, work issues, kids, houses to look after; needing to put food on the table and having somewhere to live. If, even in the middle of all this, you can still look at each other and smile because you know that no matter what you have been through you have still got each other’s backs, because you have had to go through hell to get to where you are today, then you have something real: defined as not artificial or imitation but genuine.
I am a long long way down the line, my heart was broken beyond belief and in some ways, although I can always see things that contributed to what happened, the fact is it hit me like a lightening strike from nowhere (well apart from all the little things that I chose to ignore!) There was no real issue, just someone not talking or facing their fear.
Over that time I have learnt that I will never know the truth about what happened in the past, because even if I am told it I won’t believe it!
Over time I have learnt that when someone is trying their hardest, when they look at me with so much love, that I have based what I have on what is in front of me now! (There are many examples of things that made me stop and think.)
I learnt pretty damn quickly to never ever lose myself again; I found me again and I will always be first, because if I don’t have myself I have nothing. And I believe that even now.
As part of not losing myself I also had to realise that the only person who is responsible for me was me. I loved Danny so much, but I had realised that before ‘The War’ I had expected him to contribute to my happiness; after the bomb dropped I knew that he could be a contributing factor, but one of many, he was not actually responsible for my happiness. That although he had broken my heart, to look to him, and him alone, to repair it was in fact a ‘fairytale’. How could a man who had not only broken my heart but his own, who had let himself down so badly, be able to be the singular thing responsible for my happiness? Yes, at the beginning I thought he had sole responsibility because of the mistake he had made. Over time I realised I was wrong, and to expect that of him meant I was abdicating the responsibility that I had to myself, and allowing myself to be weak and needy again. I soon stopped, because I owed it to myself to look after me.
Over time I have learnt that the person I love contributes to my happiness, he does not ‘make’ my happiness, and I should never have expected him to. How many of us do that: look to our partners and believe they ‘make’ us happy, thereby dumping so much responsibility and expectation on them, it’s hardly any wonder that they fail in that impossible task.
Last, but never least, I have learnt to look at the small stuff, because it really really counts, and I never take that for granted again.
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
I would love to hear your feedback.
You may want to read my other blog about our new adventure in France https://rosiesfrenchadventure.com