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moisyswindell

Happily married to Rich. Moved to France in 2015, after an eight year love affair with it every summer. I am now an aspiring writer, and just about to send off my first autobiographical novel, which i hope will help others in their time of need.

I love to read, embroider to relax and adore interior design. The shabbier eclectic and vintage the better; and use my eye for all things eclectic to stock my Etsy shop petitfrenchfancies, look me up.!!

I am in my element living in France surrounded by space to allow me to think and remember what is important in life. If you like to laugh, cry and reflect, then join me on my adventure.
Moisy

Journal entry – I was dreading Christmas

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Friday 21st December 2007

I am writing to update my journal, but this time not because I feel the need, I just want to update it. I went to Beth’s on the Friday after my last entry and cried, I said that I thought I need to go back to the counsellor. Beth and her friend Louise gave this advice for both me and Rich:

  • Stop trying to get back what you had. You will never get that back, and if that is what you want you need to find someone else, because you will never get it back with Rich. Instead of trying to recover something make something new, and better.

 

  • Stop thinking that whenever you are fed up it is always because of what happened. It may just be because you’re tired, got the arsehole with work, whatever! But because what happened is always foremost in your mind you always take your feelings back to that. In the same way as Rich always assumes you’re going to leave him. STOP doing it!

 

  • Forget things that were said when you both got back together – as you were both mental!! You both said things you did not mean. Rich said things just because he did not know the answer himself. (Rich and I talked about this and why I started this journal. He is mortified by what he said about being flattered that two women were fighting over him, and does not find it an ego boost in any way now.) My Journal – First Entry

 

  • Rich has to understand that my barriers are up –and may well be up for a couple of years. But whilst I have my barriers up I should still be me – which I had not been when I was writing in my journal in the last three to four entries. I had created distance between us as well, was not being tactile, not being me. By doing this (to punish Rich in a way.) I was making myself miserable.

I took all of this advice on board and my head is sorted. I had a blip of four days, but no-where near as bad as before, and I could control it.

We have been to France again and had the most fantastic time.

Rich breaks up from work today for Christmas and we have eleven days off together. I am so looking forward to it.

We are having a shindig for Tom’s eighteenth birthday tomorrow and Rich is so excited to be part of it.

I think that says it all!

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

The first thing I thought when I read this entry was that I had completely forgotten this conversation which surprised me, because it was a very important one and helped me massively in dealing with things in the future; they were both so right!

Rich was the one that had to let go of what we had, as you know from what I have written in this book I had come to realise that a long time ago. But for me the most important piece of advice they gave me was to stop thinking that everything revolved around what had happened to us! Whenever I had a problem in life I would immediately link it to what had happened, what Rich had done to me, and therfore everything had to be his fault. Quite simply it wasn’t!

I could have felt pissed off because I had a bad day at work, or because someone had upset me, or something had gone wrong as things do in life.  But when anything happened I would get in the car and the ‘demon’ (oh yes! He was still there it would take a long while before he no longer existed. I sold him with my car!!)  would get into my head and turn  my upset around and tell me it was all because of what Rich had done to me. It was all about ‘The War’!

This was a massive thing for me because as soon as I understood what I was doing I was able to tell that fucking demon to shut up! But I also started to realise that ‘The War’ did not define me, it was not the total of my life, and I had to stop letting it be that. Although it influenced my life greatly and made me the person that I am today it is a contibuting factor in the person that I am today, but only one of many.

For Rich: He would think that anything that went wrong was his fault, because of what he did, he would take sole responsibility for every little thing, from the boiler going wrong to someone upsetting me at work. Sometimes he still does that even now, and I just stop and say to him “What are you saying sorry for?” He normally laughs then and says he doesnt’ know.

Oh, the damage that we do to each other and ourselves.

The advice about forgetting what was said when we first got back together was also good advice because  we were mental and not thinking in any way rationally. I know that most people struggle with this, because we crave to be ‘normal’ again, to think straight again, when in actual fact our lives have been turned upside down, and shook about so why do we expect that of ourselves?

I love the quote: ‘‘I thought I was going mad but the unicorn in the kitchen told me I was okay!’ (I think that came from Walking the Journey’s blog you should check it out; if not it would have been the lovely Dolly Allen @’The Queen is in’)

Rich did say things to me that weren’t true, things that contradicted themselves because he just wanted to say whatever I wanted to hear to make me feel better; to not hurt me anymore. After that  he moved on to saying things to try and explain it to himself,  because he was at a loss as to why he had done it; then he progressed to berating himself for what he had done, what he had said and totally lost himself; and as you will see from my book this eventually had  massive impact on his mental health.

A good example of our madness is that when I started this journal it was because Rich had said that he found it a compliment that two women were fighting over him. By the time I had come to write this entry in my journal  he was mortified that he not only said it but that he thought it at the time. He still feels that way today.

With regard to my barriers,  they did stay up for quite a few more years to come; but I can tell you honestly now, I have no barriers where Rich is concerned and have not had any for over eight years (yes I can remember when they came down – keep reading.) So they can come down eventually it just takes a ton of hard work, reflection and listening. At this stage in our story I love the way ‘this Moira’ holds onto the hope that her head is sorted because I know that she still has a long way to go before she gets to that point.

As I said before in my previous post Coping mechanism – make new memories Tom’s birthday was on Christmas Eve so we held a surprise eighteenth birthday party the weekend before and it was a great success. I look at the photos now and see how thrilled Rich was that he was there involved in the celebrations.

On Christmas Eve we all went out, including Darren and took Tom to the pub, an English tradition. I remember how Rich was so chuffed that he was there to be able to give Tom some money and send him to the bar so that he could order his first drink legally. We left the boys in town after that and made our way home to prepare the meal for Christmas day. It was something so normal, and I kept my head under control because I felt a responsibility to the other people around me to make sure that this festivity was not marked with tears.

I can remember that Christmas was wonderful; we had gone overboard to make it special, with a Christmas tree on the balcony as well as in the house. After dinner we all opened a present and my present from Rich was the most beautiful watch, but the most beautiful thing for me were the tears in Rich’s eyes when I opened it. I knew he was so sorry and that in itself meant more than the gift.

It was important to us that we could make it special for many reasons but not least because at one point in the year we had both thought that we would never celebrate Christmas together in our beautiful house again.

Like I said it is the small things that are important.

Things like this  are all steps that you take to make things something new, a ‘new normal’ It is important to note though that they are contributory steps, every step contributes to the future that you will have; but I do know that if Rich had not been working with me, and taking those steps with me, then I would have been taking them on my own.

Moisy

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Coping mechanism – make new memories

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I know that a lot of people who read this blog are dreading The Holidays, or as we call them in England festivities. Most of them are looking back at the Thanksgivings, and Christmas’s before the shit hit the fan nostagically, remembering how wonderful they were, and thinking how they will never get them back; they may well be feeling as if they were a lie, all just a load of crap; they are probably feeling both! But more importantly some are actually afraid of them and the memories (triggers) that they will bring.

I think one of the things that compounds the feeling of dread is that expectations rise; we are constantly told  that everyone should be bappy during The Holidays. Media and adveritsing ram down our throats that everyone is happy and you should be too and if your not you’ve failed.

What a load of bollocks!! Sorry it is the only way to say it!

So we come to dread them; tell ourselves the stories of how the Thanksgiving’s before were always so happy. How the Christmas Holidays were full of fun and laughter; and the demon in our head tells us that we will never be that happy again.

He’s lying I know!  You can be if you want to, with our without your partner you can make something new, make new memories, something honest to look back on.

Christmas was always such a happy time in our house, we had the additional celebration of it being Tom’s birthday on Christmas Eve (I know! Don’t ever have unprotected sex in March, that’s what I learnt) and it was always a double celebration. The year that ‘The War’ broke out in our lives was the year that Tom was going to turn eighteen – which is a big deal in England.

In my normal indominatable way I was not going to let what had happened ruin what had always been a wonderful time of year for us; and I was especially not going to let it ruin Tom’s birthday.

So for our first Christmas I made new memories – we made new memories. We changed things we used to do – like going to the pub on Christmas Eve in the afternoon – and we went to the pub on Christmas day for a lunchtime drink before dinner.

We started a tradition of visiting a small quaint pub in the medieval city of Canterbury for lunch when we did our Christmas shopping – a pub that had not been tainted in any way by ‘The War’. In fact we continued that tradtion right up to the last Christmas before we left England for our adventure in France.

We started a tradition of playing Monopoly on Boxing day, we kept presents back to open after dinner, and I bought a Christmas tree to put up on the balcony of our home to show people that we were still together, and that I didn’t give a fuck what they thought! It  gave the illusion that we were deliriously happy; and whilst we were in a better place (God knows it couldn’t have been any worse!) I can assure you that there was still a lot of shit to go through!

All of these things seem like really small things (always remember small steps)  but they then enabled us to follow those traditions the year after, and the years after that, new traditions, new memories that helped us to not look back with poignancy at the one’s we used to have.

So if your fighting to survive this is my advice:

Stop looking back, I know it’s hard but at this time of year just keep saying to yourself ‘it’s all about the here and now. If I get through this one the next one will be easier.’ And it will!

Make new memories, small things, perhaps new baubles for the tree, a different tradition for the day, a photograph to look back on when times are hard, this is one of the main ways that you will be able to face the future events without fear.

But most importantly if you want to survive you have to try, you have to make an effort if not for your relationship for yourself.

Remember you are grieving, rightfully so, for what has been lost, and all that entails including any holidays,birthdays, Easter, anniversaries, none of them seem real now, none of them seem honest when your world has been blown apart by an affair. The first year is the hardest because you have to face every one of them – with another lovely little anniversary known as Dday thrown in!

I can remember every one of them frightening me; so I  held on to a peice of advice I was given when my darling mum died: ‘Get through the first year and the others will get easier because you have done it once already.’ But you have to let it get easier, you have to let go.  It was good advice and I used it when my world was blown apart by betrayal.

Oh and Tom’s birthday – we threw him a great big party in our house, and Rich cried, because he never thought he would be there!

I will be sharing my journal entry from the first Christmas we were back together – ironically I did not write in it over Christmas but the entry is just before so look out for it.

As always I hope this helps. Stay strong, and remember – always have yourself because without yourself you have nothing.

Moisy

 

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Journal Entry: Small steps and small things got us here today

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I left this back from the last journal entry because I think that it is an important piece of advice that I can give you – and the Moisy from then can give you:

Monday 9th July 2007 

Positives for the future:

  1. Rich said thank you.
  2. Rich hates ‘Her,’ regrets it so much.
  3. Rich would do anything to keep me.
  4. Rich is so sorry for what he has done.
  5. Wants us to work so badly.
  6. Rich is so happy when I am happy (what more could anyone want?!)
  7. Rich maintains (big time) his erection with me.
  8. Loves me so much.
  9. I love Rich so much.
  10. Would give everything up for me.
  11. I am the most important thing in Rich’s life.
  12. I have found myself. I understand my head for the first time ever.
  13. I have lost weight and got fit.
  14. Realise how many people I have who care about me/us.
  15. We work well together as a team. Isn’t that what life is really about? Isn’t love just part of the equation?
  16. Rich would never do it again.
  17. Back, very closely now, with Beth. Better than we ever were.
  18. Have a better relationship with Tom.
  19. Rich treasures everything about us, every good moment that we have.
  20. Rich never wants to lose me.

I will use this list at times. But I am hoping that any future entries will mostly be positive (apart from the hormones!)

Reflections 2018

This list of positives show how I clung to anything to keep me in the relationship. I realised over time, and especially when I read my journal again years later, how many times i did this; and how many times Rich did it as well. I could see as I read my journal  how crucial all the small things were to get us to where we are today.

I have often said to other people hold on to really small things, don’t dismiss them, because they go on to make the big things, like little pieces of a jigsaw until in the end you can see the whole picture. It is easy when you are hurt to dismiss them, I know I did at times , but it is clear that my sub conscious mind made a little note of them because it is my sub conscious mind that I am sharing in my journal.

So my suggestion would be to write them down, so that when the demon tells you that you are right to tell them to ‘fuck off’ have a look at your list and remind yourself of the small things. (I especially love number 7!!) No seriously I love them all.

When I sit here now and I read what I hoped for:  That future entries would hopefully be positive it makes me smile, because I know that we were still at the very beginning of our journey to where we are now, and as you will see the highs and the lows just kept coming, as the next few entries will show……..

Moisy

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Journal entry: The things I wanted to believe…

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Monday 9th July 2007 

It’s done!!

We went to Nel and Gus’s, on Saturday, and, as usual, Nel and I chatted. In the evening when I had a drink I got upset, because it was on my mind. I said that I needed Rich (told Rich) to cuddle me and to be more affectionate to me. To not be afraid that I would pull away, and I swore on my mum’s grave, that I wouldn’t pull away if he did this.

When I picked him up from work that day he was telling me about Dave, and how they had both ended up crying in the van whilst out on a job; him because he could “lose me over a fucking old shit”. I liked it when he called ‘her’ that. On the Sunday he was talking about ‘her’and again called ‘her’ a “fucking old shit.” that made me feel better.

My hormones had also calmed down, and I realised that what I had said to Rich, about showing me more affection in some ways was one of the keys to overcoming it. I knew that he was worrying about what was on my mind, and that wasn’t helping him; I knew that I had to speak to him that day.

I spoke to Auntie Edie and Beth and they both agreed that this was something that had to be discussed, no matter how painful, to enable it to be boxed up and put away, because if I did not discuss it I would never move on.

Beth suggested that I should show Rich what I had written in my journal. I don’t think he could have coped with it all; but when we did talk I read him some bits, about closing his eyes and things like that, and the entry where I had said I didn’t want him anywhere near me on Friday, to show him how it was affecting me.

On the Sunday when I picked Rich up from work we went down to  a quiet lane  to chat; Rich thought that I was going to tell him to go (Rich’s biggest fear, as he always thinks that.) We talked about  the sex with ‘her’.

I know my husband well enough to be able to tell from his face if he is lying. I made it clear, that if there is one thing we have both learnt from this it’s that I am the kind of person that needs to hear the truth, no matter how unpalatable. That is how I live my life – to deal with things head on.

Rich told me that throughout the whole time with ‘Her’ Rich could not maintain a hard on. He swears that he did shut his eyes and thought of me; but that sometimes that just made things worse. That ‘she’ would get annoyed and say that he needed to learn to relax with ‘her’’; Silly bitch! ‘she’ just couldn’t see what was under her’ nose!

I said about it making me feel better when he called ‘her’ a slut, and reminded him of when he said he didn’t hate ‘her’; but he interrupted me and said that was a long time ago (13th of June – it just seems so long ago because we have come so far forward.) That now he does hate ‘her’, “Fucking hated ‘her’”, for coming between us, for everything ‘She’ did to me, because he has had to fight so long to keep me; might still lose me because of ‘her,’ that he really hates ‘her,’ hates ‘her’ partner for the way he told me, for the way he kept coming over to tell me things, trying to make sure Rich never got me back.

I said to Rich how both of them, and Rich to some degree, never took into account me, my life, or my feelings; but that with those two their biggest mistake was to underestimate me. They grossly underestimated me; Rich said “They sure did, so did!”

I promised Rich that was it now, door closed. I thanked Nel and Beth. I know, now, it is time to move on.

We toasted our future in the garden and Rich said “Thank you.”

I did mean it. But then I found myself asking about why he started to see ‘her’ again in March; it freaked Rich out.

But we have moved on, need to move on. It will still come up from time to time – sometimes Rich will need to talk about it (but he doesn’t realise it now.)

I need to have the courage of my convictions. I want to close that door now, move forward now. To do that I must not only ensure all the lids are on the boxes but close the cupboard door.

I must look at all the positives from now and use them as my tools. I will also continue to keep my journal until I no-longer feel the need. But hopefully most of what I write will be positive.

 

Reflections 2018

At the time I wrote this entry I wanted to believe Rich, I wanted to believe that all that he was telling me was true; I needed to do this at this time to stay. I still think I was right to do that because I would no be here now if I hadn’t.  But now, eleven years later I dont’ think that what he told me was true. I think he told me what he thought I wanted to hear because he wanted to keep me; and with eleven years of hindsight he was right.

For years after getting back together I would always say that if I don’t know about something I can’t deal with it. That is true for many things like illness, money, even feelings today; but at that time I know that I could not have handled all of the truth, and that I needed to let time pass to be able to then look back and realise that what I thought was important, the truth that I had to know, wasn’t important at all, But only time could give me that. /

When I read the part where I said that I knew my husband so well I laughed. I could tell when he was lying to me!! Really! I want to say to that Moisy he had been lying to you for a year girl, he was lying to you now. For different reasons this time, to protect you, but he was lying to you all the same!

Some of what Rich had said may have been true: I can believe that he lost his erection with ‘her’, but not every time, because I know now that was a lie! He told me that later in this journal! Of course it fucking was!

I believe that she said he should learn to relax but the facts were that Rich still tried to have sex with ‘her’ he still wanted to to have sex with her. That one is not a unicorn of truth, it’s a fact!

When I visited the counsellor on my own back in the May (see Counselling it is he who should be sorry ) the counsellor explained to me how many people who leave their partners want to keep the other person happy; because in their mind they have already ruined everything with one person, so they need to keep something to prove to themselves that they are not going to fuck everything up!  I listened to her, she was telling me the facts, even though they were painful to hear.

I needed to hear Rich tell me that he could see through ‘her’; see how ‘she’ had manipulated and played us, to ruin what we had. So when Rich told me he hated ‘her’ that really helped me; because the way that he said it I knew that was the truth. This was a massive thing for me, a big thing for me to hold on to.

When I read this entry I smiled because I have written how we toasted our new life together in the garden, how I told Rich that ‘was it we were moving forward’, and literally within half an hour I had brought something else up! I can remember Rich’s face, and I understand why he wanted it to all just go away, but sorry it doesn’t work like that and this was still early days!

Drives you insane though doesn’t it?! So I am highlighting this part because this is the normality: it will come up over and over again until one day (if they allow it to) the person who  has been betrayed will just think ‘Fuck this, I am bored with it now!’

This conversation was also an important one for me because I had started to recognise my own strength; and that even though they had all the players in the play, they had failed to recognise the strength of the leading lady. Me!

There is a bit more to this entry, but I will blog it separately because I know a lot of people are tying to follow the principle of small steps. Look out it will be coming soon.

Moisy

 

Journal entry – When someone you love has had sex with someone else, it’s unbearable

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Friday 6th July 2007 

I have just cried. I know I am hormonal, so that is a contributing factor but sometimes I still feel like crying. The biggest thing for me  is that in my head there lies the the fact that Rich had sex with ‘Her’.

I think that at the beginning of this journal I said that wasn’t the main thing for me. That it was for Rich but not for me. I did mean it at the time, and perhaps it was because I had so many other things in my head to deal with.

Now I don’t have as many things in my head, which is a good thing; but it has also opened the way for me to deal with what was actually the worst thing of all. And perhaps at the beginning it was just too big for me to deal with so I put it to the back of my mind.

Now it is here and I know, as is my nature that I have to confront it to deal with it. But how do I do that? I am hoping that by writing this in my journal it will help me.

I know that Rich says that he thought he had lost me, and that he was only going through the motions. That he had to shut his eyes and think of me. But although I really want to believe him I can’t.

I know Rich well enough and if he had something on his mind he would not be able to get an erection. – It happened often enough with us. He had sex with ‘Her’ on the night he text me about collecting his things, the night before he came back (supposedly because he thought he had totally lost me, that I had changed my number, because I had not text back.) How did he do that?

Rich says that if I had not text back he would have come to work and waited by my car; when? In a day? A week?  A month? I don’t believe he ever would have.

I am crying now, but I know that I have to write these thoughts down to make some sense in my head. (That’s the control freak in me!)

I know that Rich had a fumbling session with ‘Her’ (crap!) when were together. But if he loved me (loves me, sorry shouldn’t use past tense.) how could he have sex with ‘Her’ after he left? (Which was supposedly something he regretted from the minute he shut the front door.) I want to believe so much, but can’t. I am not that type of person (sometimes I wished I was) and that undermines us.

We went to the counsellor and she said that we had an “inner couple” that not everybody has. That to the trained eye you could see the couples who were likely to surive and those that were not.

I know that Rich loves me, I know that he is so happy we are back together, I know he got caught up in something, I know his weaknesses and guilt made him run away. But how come his grief at our break up, his guilt and his love for me did not prevent him from being able to have sex with ‘Her? ‘

Something does not tie up. I don’t feel that I can talk to Rich about this; but I fear that if I don’t it will destroy us. He thinks we are moving forward, and we are in a lot of things, but for me, right now, I feel this will always hold me back and eventually destroy us.

I have found this really hard. I am hoping I can find some resolution. That I will look back in a couple of months and be able to see it has got better.

We have had lots of good points this week. But I can’t write about them right now because this overshadows them.

5.15pm

I can’t read what I have written because I have been upset all day. Spoke to Nel for an hour after writing it. Agreed that my hormones have a lot to do with how I feel, but I also know,  that this is the final and hardest hurdle.

I am going to provide a makeup party for Helen’s daughter’s birthday, and I am looking forward to it. I promised Helen I would be okay, and funny, like me, how I normally am!

Rich has picked up that something is wrong; but I will stick to my plan that I drew up with Nel – wait until the hormones are gone and keep writing in here. Then see how I feel.

Helen said that Rich says those things to make things better, because he is so desperate not to lose me. But I think that it is more to make Rich feel better because he does not want to lose me, and hates what he has done.

I suppose that in some way that should make me feel better. That is how little he thinks of ‘Her,’ or what they did. In some ways it does.

I know that it may not be all that I am making it out to be in my head. But unless Rich talks to me about it I will never know. What if it was what I think in my head? How would I deal with that? And even if Rich told me it wasn’t would I believe him?

Right now I don’t want to kiss Rich, let alone do anything else. 

This is going to be my hardest test. Because right now I feel that I need space from Rich; and for us to survive I have to overcome that. I have told him to have a sleep for half an hour.

How ironic that bloke from the pub called me today and left a message. I am not interested. But perhaps it now gives Rich a dose of the situation he has put himself in.

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

This is the big one! When you start to try and repair what you have you have and you have to confront the most heart breaking thing of all, because that was how I felt at that time.

This entry shows this, I could not even go back and read it at the time, couldn’t write about the good things, because this one thing took over my brain like an alien. It burst out of the box that I had been trying to keep it in (those boxes don’t work  folks this is way too big!) like an explosion, like an evil clown and I can remember how everytime the thought came in my head I felt as if I was going to throw up; I could feel a physical pain in my heart, as if some sadistic bastard was squeezing it!

Thinking of Rich and’Her’ in ‘the act’, imagining all sorts of things, mainly how wonderful and romantic it must have been; I could picture Rich holding her, on top of her, caressing her, all the things that he should have only been doing with me. The Demon had a field day telling me how they must have laughed about me, compared me, and it literally made me feel sick. My husband was being intimate with someone else, when it should have only ever been something between him and I.

I thought back to all those times that Rich and I had been together whilst he had been seeing ‘her’ behind my back, all those times he must have been running through his head things that he had done with ‘her’. Even though Rich denied that he had ever had full sex with her before he left, I did not believe him, and I still don’t!

What I had written was right  I had to confront it, even though I was terrified of whether  I would be able to move forward in my life with Rich when I had heard the details, I thought I would not be able to live my life at all without hearing them.

Months before, when Rich and I had gone to France for a weekend,  we had argued and I had screamed at him how  the sex we had was just a ‘shag’ – meaningless sex that I could have with anyone. That is what it had done to me, I did not make love with Rich I shagged him!! I know now that it was as we built something new that we would then be able to make love, nothing that we had before counted, and it still doesn’t!

I don’t want to trivialise the awfulness of knowing that the person that you love, or loved, has had sex with someone else; because as I have said in this entry I was so afraid of it. Looking back, with the benefit of years of recovery behind me, and knowing what  we went through, I can tell you these things:

As I said to Rich that a ‘shag was just a shag’ that works both ways. That was how he was able to get an erectionwith ‘her’ because in his head at that time he had to keep the life he was trying to build with ‘her’ because he had fucked up the life he had built with me and had nowhere else to go! -That is why he was able to perform the night before he came back to me! I know that now, I get that, because that is exactly what I did to Rich when we first got back together.

More often than not the person who has committed the adultery is more afraid of this conversation than you are; often because when you ask them why, which you will, over and over again, they cannot tell you, because they do not know. Even now. years later,  if you asked Rich why, he would tell you that he does not know! We know the circumstances that led up to it, we know the where’s and whys;  but for Rich then when he was faced with what he was likely to lose he wondered himself why the fuck he had done it, and said he didn’t know why. Today he will still say it because the enormity of what he could have lost hits him; and I know that he asks himself that question over and over again; I don’t!

When you ask them how often (fuck me do I remember that one!) Where? What position? Did they use a condom (of course they’re going to say yes!). They won’t want to tell you that they fucked like rabbits, because that would hurt you even more. They will tell you that they couldn’t get it up, or it was just a fumble, some of which might or might not be true but you’re never going to believe them. The heart will want to but the demon won’t let you believe them.

They will not want to tell you that they enjoyed it, because they do not want to hurt you anymore than they have already!  And, as in Rich’s case, they do not want to lose you.  Which is ironic because in the early stages they have lost you, they are now trying to win you back (or should be!)

Now coming from the point of view of the person who has been hurt, I needed to know, had to know. But looking back how do I know if what Rich was telling me was the truth? How will I ever know? ‘She’ could crawl back out of the woodwork and say the ‘truth’ and how would I know if that were the truth either? We are back to the Unicorn of Truth! It only exists if you believe it!

You will see from further journal entries in my book that I asked about this over and over, grilled Rich, did everything but shine a light in his eyes; he gave me answers, but I grilled him to such a degree that in the end he was giving me different answers, anything that he thought that I wanted to hear, and of course then I picked him up in the conflicting things he had said and threw things back at him.

Have you been there yet?

I was, quite literally driving myself nuts, as you would see from the next few entries from my journal.

It took me months to realise that I was beating a dead horse, it was never going to talk and I was never going to know the truth, and more importantly even if I did know the truth it was never going to give me any peace. I had to make my own peace.

Now years later I know that it doesn’t matter, and it never did. We were either going to try and make it work or not. Time has helped me understand that what we have here and now is what’s important and should not be compromised because of something that happened in the past.

But I understand that most people who are reading this will be people who are going through what we went through, and they may find this hard to read, you just have to trust me, it can get easier but only if you let it.

I suppose that what I am trying to say  is you will, at some point in the future, have to decide if you can live with this or not; and you will have to decide what is important to you. What you have now? Or what you have lost that can never be recovered? And after that decide how you want to live your life: With them, or without them? Because you could, quite literally, drive yourself insane.

I have put in this entry that when Rich said that they had a fumble together, that I thought that this particular confession was crap. I didn’t believe him, I didn’t think they had a ‘fumble’ I thought they had a ‘shag’ and I still do. I made my decision and I moved forward with that decision in my head.

I have asked some of the bloggers of today ‘ Will it help if you know they had sex doggy style, hanging from the ceiling, twenty times in a day, will this make you feel better? Will you know it’s the truth? I don’t know the answer only you can answer that, because reflection and honesty with yourself is one of the only things that will get you through this.

The only key one is did they use a condom because they at least owe you the chance to make sure that your health has not been compromised, maybe you should point that out to them – because whilst I didn’t catch anything Rich lied about using one!

I can tell you the only thing we know is trueL  Your partner had sex with someone else.

On the balance of probability it maybe wasn’t great sex because they felt guilty; they would have felt a frisson of excitement because it was something new, something ‘naughty’; it was something that made them feel special in a world where they felt vulnerable. But if they were honest when reality hit home after the rush of hormones, having sex with someone else just made them feel more vunerable – forever because what what they did will never go away!

So at some point in the future please remember this chapter and when you need to read it again; I have been blunt, but this time the unicorn of truth exists becuase I have been honest!

In the future only you can make your decisions and build your life on what you have decided to believe, because this time you’re the one in control of your life,  you know where you stand! Finally!

As I said personally I believed the worse, because nothing can bite me on the arse then!

Always in control!

Moisy

 

 

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Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy

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Bitterness: To be upset and angry by something that happened in the past.

Bitterness:To be consumed with anger and unhappiness

My definition: Bitterness: To allow anger and unhappiness, because of something that has bappened in the past, define your future.

I have said in some of my previous posts that I was not prepared to let what had happened to me (and at the beginning it was about me, remember? I had to find myself and be myself first) define me. I was not prepared to be dragged down to other people’s levels and, more than anything, I was not prepared to let my life be consumed by bitterness.

Since ‘The War’ my sister Beth  has said to me that she initially wanted me to have Rich back because I ‘wasn’t getting any better’.

Before this ‘War’ I had always been the type of girl to pick myself back up, move forward, even meet someone else; but this time during the twenty-one days that Rich was gone I was still the same as the day he had left.

Yes I had took all of our money, I had left Rich with nothing. I had started divorce proceedings, I had sold his’ possessions to do so, I had changed the locks, thrown his stuff out, everything I could possibly do. But I was still crying, every day, nearly all day. So when Rich wanted to come back my sister (I have said before she is a clever cow sometimes!) had persuaded me to have him back because, as she said, ‘Then if you split up it will be on your terms and not his; and then you will be  able to move on.’ She was right! I can see that even now. If we had not survived I would have least been able to prepare for it, to know that what we had was gone and more importantly that I did not want it anymore, enabling me to move forward.

But if Rich had not come back I would have struggled to come to terms with what had happened, to understand how I ended up where I was and I would have continued to run it through my head like a loop trying to make sense of something that would never have made sense – because it had never been what I thought it was in the first place!

At the beginning  stubborn streak in me, the fighter in me, was not prepared to let that bitch take any more from me than she already had. I was not prepared to be consumed by bitterness. I did not want that anger to stay with me forever, and I did not want to be unhappy forever. So, yes, at the beginning it was these things that made me fight against being bitter, and this fight meant that I looked at small tiny things that Rich did – like the housework FFS! A note written on the blackboard in the kitchen, reaching out to hold my hand even though her feared that I would pull it away. These small tiny things made up a big thing over time (you will see) and eventually the big thing enabled us to get to where we are today.

What would have happened if Rich had not come back? I would have done the same, I think it would have taken a damn site longer, but the stubborn fighter in me would have still thought the same, I will not be beaten and part of this was I would not be bitter.

As time wore on I no longer used ‘her’ as the incentive, I no longer needed to. I had found ‘me’ again, I had decided what my boundaries were and what I would and would not put up with, and I knew that what had happened to me had made me stronger; had actually given me freedom. I wanted to enjoy what I had found, so there was no room for bitterness in my life. It is up to you all, I cannot tell you how to handle things this is only one way that I did:

At the beginning I used my anger at ‘her’  to stop me from becoming bitter.

At the beginning I used my stubborness to stop me from being bitter

As time wore on I found myself, and I knew that I didn’t need to be bitter I needed to be grateful.

As time wore on I realised what I had was something new, and that it was better than it had been before because this time it was honest (more of that in a future blog.) This meant realising that Rich was not a knight on a white horse in shiny armour, but a flawed man who made mistakes and got on my tits sometimes!

I am passionate about this particular post, because I know how easy it is to slip down that slippery bitterness pipe; to be sucked in by the whispers from the demon that tell you that you are ‘entitled to feel that way.’

Are you? Do you want to feel that way forever?

If you need to do what I did and use the other person as a focus for not being consumed by bitterness, then do that – don’t let them beat you; and before you know it you will just not be bitter any more and you won’t give a toss about them! But only you can do it.

I know that there enough fighters out there who will read this and think ‘That is not going to be me! I am not going to let this beat me. I am not going to let this define me. I will not let bitterness consume me.’

I know you can do it.

Moisy

 

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Two Journal entries because this is a big one – What is normal?

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Normal:

Something that conforms to a standard, type or regular pattern.

Something that we have come to expect.

Ordinary or usual

Journal entry – Wednesday 11th July 2007 

Why won’t this sadness go away? Or am I asking too much?

It is still a bereavement, at times I feel am still in shock at what has happened. – Because I was so sure of our love and commitment for each other, that nothing would ever tear something so good apart; that it was the most rock solid thing that I was ever going to have, and it wasn’t!

All Rich says is that he does love me as much as I thought he did, because he came back. I suppose from that he means that he couldn’t keep away. I understand that part; but why did he do it? I still, at times, (not all the time, not like before), feel an immense sadness about it all; and it does drive a wedge between us, but I am so hoping that will get less.

Rich did try so hard yesterday. Cleaned inside my car with lovely smelling cleaners, cuddled and kissed me; but as he said last night, when we talked, it just never seems to be enough.

I understand as I am writing this what he means, and I don’t know if it will ever be enough.

I want it to be.

As I have said before, I cannot throw away the love that I know we do have. But perhaps I continually ask him to be over the top with his affection because I know that will make me stay. And I am afraid of myself, afraid that eventually I won’t be able to. Perhaps I do still want that ‘special love’. Perhaps, if we can get through this, that is what Rich and I will achieve. But at the moment the wound is still so raw, I cannot see that happening. And perhaps it is ‘the test of time’ to see if we can / If I can stick it out.

I will try. Only time will tell.

I will give it time.

Mois

Thursday 12th July

I cried at work yesterday, but I do think some of it was my hormones. Rich cried at home.

I think he was walking around the house, doing the housework, bawling his eyes out! What a pair! What does that say? I had rung him and told him I was upset.

When I got home he had done so much, mopped the floor, hoovered through, and cleaned our bedroom. He so wanted to show me what he had done. I know that this is a reflection of his love for me, I don’t doubt Rich’s love for me, especially now, and that it what I must focus on.

I gave him a big kiss, we kissed many times; I know we both feel the same. I played him an R Kelly song which has the lines

 “and you had enough love for both of us,

but I did you wrong, I admit I did,

and now I’m facing the rest of my life alone.

if I could turn back the hands of time……..”

It made him cry, made me cry; and I kissed him and said “We will make it darling, it just takes time.”

He grabbed me and said “We will won’t we?”

“Promise?”

Mois
Reflections 2018

And we did make it!

But I feel so sad when I read some people’s struggle, as I can still relate today on how hard it is, you feel as if it will never go away; it will, but only if you let it.

I hope that I can show you when you read my madness and relate to it that you too  can survive it because we did. We are here today, living another adventure in which we have to trust each other  despite what happened to us.

So I put these two entries together to show you how my days were full of huge ups and even bigger downs. I think that one of the reasons that it was happening to me was because I wanted it to be over; wanted to ‘move on’, get back to ‘normality.’

The thing was, I was not accepting the fact that I did not actually know what normality was anymore. Everything that I thought was normal had in fact been blown apart by ‘The ‘War.’ The ‘Normal’ as I had once known it had gone and it wasn’t coming back.

It was only when I accepted this, we accepted this  (because, importantly,  Rich needed to accept the fact that what we had he had broken; and that no matter what he did he would never be able to fix what we had; he could only work hard and build something new) only then did things start to get easier. But it is a passage of time that you have to go through and come out the other side, you have no choice; it takes time because first you have to realise that you have lost your ‘normal’ and then you have to grieve for it. But don’t grieve forever, to such a degree that you cannot see the new things that you are making, be careful that demon doesn’t suck you in on that front!

People have asked me how long it took to get over it; I don’t think that you ‘get over it’! I think that you get stronger from it, but this will depend on whether you can accept where you are. To survive you have to accept that it happened and that your life changed because of it and then, and only then you can move forward.

I find that people think it just takes a couple of months, or up to a year, but you will see from our story it took over two years before it no longer consumed our lives; and I would honestly say, for me, about five years before I no longer thought about it every day.

I can remember the Counselor saying to me that they set a six month timeframe: that ‘normally’ at six months you should be able to go through a day without thinking about it; and there is that word again! Normally!  I can remember panicking as October came our way, because there was no way that I was going to stop thinking about it every day at that point, when in actual fact that was my normal. I have a strong personality, I had a lot of pride to deal with so there was never any possibility that I was not going to be thinking about what had happened at the six month stage!

So yes ask other people how long it took them, but remember – what is their normal may not be yours, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

I would suggest that you try and keep something that will show you that things are getting better, a journal, a notebook, the reason I suggest writing it  down is because you head cannot then go back and lie to you, as it is in black and white, there on paper – what you felt at that time; and take it from me don’t compare yourself to others and think that you are failing if you  haven’t met their timeframe.

After the five years it just got easier and easier for me and now I can talk about it, laugh about it (yes I laugh about some of it!) and cry about it sometimes, mainly with Rich because he still cries, and I cry for him!

So these two entries are to show you all that the same happened to me, this is how it works, you have a day when you are convinced that the future will be bright, followed by two days of despair. You just have to keep walking forward, small steps, as someone once saidto me all those years ago.

When I read this entry it did bring tears to my eyes for Rich.I found myself feeling so sorry for him, he went through as much hell as I did, if not more, but it took me years to realise that!

Moisy

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