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moisyswindell

Happily married to Rich. Moved to France in 2015, after an eight year love affair with it every summer. I am now an aspiring writer, and just about to send off my first autobiographical novel, which i hope will help others in their time of need.

I love to read, embroider to relax and adore interior design. The shabbier eclectic and vintage the better; and use my eye for all things eclectic to stock my Etsy shop petitfrenchfancies, look me up.!!

I am in my element living in France surrounded by space to allow me to think and remember what is important in life. If you like to laugh, cry and reflect, then join me on my adventure.
Moisy

Journal Entry – Will the sadness go away?

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Sunday 24th June 2007

I had a nightmare last night. That Rich left me again and went off with ‘Her’. It was one of those awful dreams that just kept coming back every time you go to sleep.

I don’t know, although probably, if that was why I felt sad today. Not the wave of despair that I used to feel (I [pulled the plug on that bath a long time ago) but still sad.

As I am writing this I realise that one of the reasons for it is that Rich seems so happy because I am happy (happier); and that just emphasises how much he loves me. So it brought it home to me tonight- what he was so frightened of when he first came back – which is all he kept saying. “I am so frightened.” He was frightened that he would never get me back, that he had lost me forever.

But that makes me sad. Because although I understand the manipulation, the mistakes that he and I made, the circumstances that led us to it all, I still cannot understand why he let me down. I loved him so much, implicitly, without doubt or question. That has gone; and I am sad because I want to get that back – but I can’t.  And yes to a degree Rich has lost me. I can never one hundred per cent rely on him again. That man has gone for me; and I know that he desperately wants to come back, and I want him back, but I can’t. It is something that neither of us have any control over.

And for what? Something so stupid, so trivial, is that how much we meant to him? Why wasn’t it enough? Why did he have to nearly lose me to realise what he had? And now he doesn’t have that anymore.

I don’t know. Will it get better with time? Will the sadness go away?

Mois

Reflections 2018

Obviously not all of my journal entries are in my blog because it is a serialisation of my book; but in earlier entries I had started to write in my journal every day. It helped to take the thoughts out of my head and stop them from tormenting me. Just before this entry there had been periods of up to three days where I had not written in it, just because things had started to calm (or so I thought!). But now in this entry  I was back to writing in my journal again – every day.

The torment of feeling that one minute you are back to being ‘a little bit normal’ and then WHAM! It is all back stronger than before, for me was one of the main things that nearly made me walk away – many, many times.

Believe me, if you are going through this hell right now I have come to understand that this is the ‘new normal’ (for a time)   you will go up and down, up and down, it is not called an ‘Ocean of Emotion, or Bath of despair’ for nothing!

But I can tell you,with the benefit of hindsight, that it can get better; but you do need to get some sort of coping mechanism in place for the early days – because there was no way that I was anywhere near acceptance at this stage (even though I thought I was!)

I find this entry so sad; because the me of then, who wrote this entry, was right – once something is lost you will never get it back. I remember that immense sadness and pain so implicitly; the fear that it would never go away, and I would feel like that forever. This is one of the reasons I wrote this book, to help the person reading this understand that it can go away.

But only if you let it in time.

The saddest part of this entry is when I say ‘I loved him so much, implicitly, without doubt or question, that has gone.’ I love my husband to peices but not implicitly any more – I wouldn’t love anyone implicitly now.

I asked myself if what I had said in this entry was true – would I ever one hundred per cent rely on Rich again? The answer is clear because I live in rural France with him, on a very small monthly budget and we have to trust each other to make it work. So yes  I do one hundred per cent rely on Rich, in the same way that he relies on me. ~Do I trust him? Yes I do, but I believe it is a different trust, it is for me, because I will always have myself first, I don’t look to Rich to define me.

I have often been asked “Aren’t you frightened that he will do it again?” I have always said no because  I watched Rich pull himself through hell to keep me, and I know that there is no way that he is ever going to risk losing me again.

I would ask anyone who is trying to make it work, how hard is your partner working to keep you, and do you see what they do?

Some of  you will hate this question because that little monster in your head will immediately tell you it is irrelevant because they have cheated on you so it doesn’t matter how hard they are working now. Doesn’t it?

Here is the crucial question:  if you were in their shoes could you keep going? Be honest, if you felt like a cheat, was with someone who cried every day, sometimes all day, because of what you had done. Someone who screamed at you, hated you, loved you, blamed you for everything including rainy days would you stay?

I asked myself that question, often.

When Rich came back he did say nearly every day, from the first day he returned, that he was ‘so frightened’. I had forgotten that until now, he would whisper it often ‘I am so frightened’. So for the last eleven years I have watched Rich face every fear he had, never give up, cry rivers- even now – and  I can assure you he will never do it again. If your partner is trying as hard as Rich do you really think that they will do it again?

Only you can answer that question.

I have communicated with a number of people whose partners are not showing remorse, refuse to go to counselling, ascknowledge their failings but continue to act in the same way. To those people I will say what I always say – for me this is the first, primary, golden rule:

Always have yourself, without yourself you have nothing. From there you can decide what you want for you, and then you can decide if that is what you are getting now, and then you can decide what you want to do, based on your circumstances now, and then you can take action, for you! The risk is that you may walk away, your partner may never give you what you really want, and there lies the crux of whether you want to stay.

The second is: Do not be afraid of what might happen because the worst has already happened! So what is there to be afraid of?

Only by facing up to these things – becoming stronger – not bitter, will the sadness start to go away.

Despite how much I love Rich I know how strong I am, and I know to quote ‘Chantay Savage’ or ‘Gloria Gaynor’ ‘I will survive!’ I learnt that lesson well.

Moisy

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Coping Mechanisms – The Bath of Despair

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Since I have started to share my book a lot of you have asked me what coping mechanisms I put into place to get me to where I am now, and I realised how important it was to share anything that I used to help others. So here is my first one:

Visualisation was key to my survival at this early stage, I had to put mechanisms into place to get my mind under control. At this point, four or five weeks into our reconciliation, it literally felt as if I was on an ocean, with huge waves coming along when I least expected them, pounding me and pushing me under the water and at times I felt as if  I was literally drowning in pain and heartache.

During these times I would breathe deeply close my eyes and visualise myself standing on a cliff top overlooking the sea with a handful of balloons; those balloons held my pain, some of them even held our relationship, and I would let them go, and I would watch them float away, and imagine them taking the pain with them, all the time whilst I breathing slowly and then I would get myself back under control.

But as the realisation of what had happened, where we were, and the fact that we would never be  the same again hit home I would just feel so down, so sad; as if there was nothing to believe in any more’ because really life was a piece of shit and everything I had now was contaminated and was not going to get any better.

When I felt like this I would visualise myself sitting in a huge roll top bath (we had a roll top bath at that time in our old house in England) and this bath would be full of blackness, it looked like tar; and i was sitting in it and it was sucking me under, and I could feel it sucking any joy I felt about anything out of me.

Like most things at that time I was not going to let it beat me; so I would picture myself holding on to the sides of that bath and pulling myself up. I would close my eyes and I could see the blackness clawing at me trying to pull me back and I fought against it, I pulled one leg up and stepped out of the bath and then the other leg until I was out of the bath. There was residue of the blackness on me but I knew that I would win, I would win.

And I did.

I thought that it was overcoming those powerful emotions that would keep Rich and I together. I was right at that time that I had to use something just to bring them under control but eventually I came to realise that my most powerful ally was acceptance.

Moisy

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Hello Darling

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Tuesday19th June 2007

Hello Darling.

I thought that rather than write in my journal today I would write to you. (I hope that the writing is big enough!)

Yesterday I wrote in my journal that I realised that you cannot live without me, that you are so sorry, that you were so manipulated and caught up in something. That I must move on and leave it in the past and concentrate on now; I realised that only I could really help you, by doing this.

And yesterday I really was ok. If you think about it, although some things came up we talked about them and they were done, we didn’t go on. It was good.

But when we went to bed and you were kissing me, you closed your eyes in a way that said you could not look at me. You said it was because of the guilt, and I know, and understand that. But it makes me feel as if you don’t want to be with me. Or that you are thinking of what you have done with ‘Her’(I know in a way you regret it, wish it wasn’t in your head. And whilst I know that you cannot help it, a chain reaction is set off in my head and I think of something that I really don’t want to, and it made me cry.)

I know that you want to make love (we can just have sex anytime) to me. I want you to. I can help with your guilt, if you make me happy you will feel less guilty.

I do have a handle on most of it now, meaning I can keep it under control. I am happy that you are back with me, happy that you love me so much, happy that you want to make it up to me in any way you can.

But you must overcome and get control of your guilt – or that can actually destroy us because it stops you from doing the things that will make me happy.

You want that great ‘love affair’ back – then we need to make love, you need to be able to look at me and not shut your eyes. We need to stop letting it interfere and affect our lives anymore.

We need to work together – I am, by getting control of it in my head. Now you have to. I will help you but you must talk to me about what goes on in your head; like I am now, I am writing you a letter in my journal. Please darling, if you want us to work, talk to me.

In the words of Diana and Marvin

“All I want to do is make it up to you, because I need you more than life itself.”

“All I want to know, is you still care that nothing’s changed, and it’s the same as it used to be.”

I love you.

Mois

 

Reflections

I wrote this open letter to Rich in my journal, and left my journal open on the side for him to read when I wasn’t there.

I wrote it because whenever we were in bed together I could see the pain on Rich’s face, even only recently he told me that if I shut my eyes he thinks that I am thinking of someone else because he does not deserve me; even now, even eleven years later!

I will say it often in this book,  the damage that we do! I hadn’t put it behind me when I wrote this, it was way too soon, and I was just hanging on to hope.

For me to have given Rich access to my journal was a big thing for Rich, because he knew that ‘My’ journal was mine, and not to be shared with him. It  had become my sanctuary; and Rich understood the importance of the symbolic gesture of allowing him to read it, including him in the power it had to heal us.

I knew that Rich would not read anything more, he was terrified of what I wrote because he knew it was all about us, a way for me to try and stop myself from running away from our relationship, and he knew that depending on what I had written on any particular day, determined if I would be there with him that evening.

In addition he did not want to read it because he was afraid of what it showed, which was the damage that he had inflicted on us as a couple. That is how Rich saw it, and still sees it now. I don’t! I know now that it took two of us to cause what had happened. We had stopped communicating, and I had become so caught up in my ‘happy life’ that I could not see the fear  that Rich felt every day – that he would lose me some day. I was so caught up at the time in believing that Rich loved me so much, was so confident in our relationship, so happy that I did not consider for one moment if Rich felt the same; and because of that it allowed another manipulative and evil person to come into our lives and use what I could not see against us.

Now I know that some people reading this will say that it was Rich’s fault because he cheated on me, had sex with someone else, moved into a fucking house with her! But here is my take on it:

If during the first seven years we were together (yes how cliché it was the seven year itch!) I had understood that Rich never thought that he was good enough for me, noticed that he had asked me if I would turn up to our wedding; noticed that he had felt that one day he would come home and I would not be there all through our marriage; if I had picked up on that insecurity, would ‘She’ have been able to get between us?

If I had listened to my friend Lucy all those years when  she told me to stop talking about James my boss, because it was really getting to Rich, would ‘She’ have found it so easy to tell him that I had an affair with James when I didn’t?

If I had not sent Rich to Coventry so many times when I was upset about something, sometimes not speaking to him for days on end, feeding in to his insecurity that he was not good enough, would not keep me, would ‘She’ have been able to get between us?

No the answer is No! ‘She’ would not have been able to do the damage that ‘She’  did.

Yes Rich broke my heart, he made a fool of me (although I am not now ego driven so what exactly does that mean?) he left me for someone else and acted as if he did not care, he told me that he did not  love me, he told me that he loved someone else, he held court with the barmaids in the pub when we first got back together, and yes for all of that he was an arsehole!

But I would also be an arsehole if I could not see the arrogance of my actions that helped ‘Her’ do what ‘She’ did to get into Rich’s brain and tell him that I would leave him one day.

So Rich’s biggest problem was his own fear, fed by his own insecurity and that is what he had to face every day when he came back. That is what any person who is the adulterer has to face every day; and that is not easy. That was Rich’s Karma – not me doing back to him what he had done to me, but me becoming stronger, independent of him which fed into his insecurities every day – still does sometimes even today. especially with the topic of my book!

Only this year, as I am writing this book, has Rich picked up my journal when he was on his own and read some of it, eleven years later! Because I am writing this book I know that Rich needs to have an understanding of what will be in it, but it terrifies him even now; and makes me think again about the damage we inflict on others and ourselves.

Someone asked Rich the other day why he did it, when it is clear that he adores me. He said simply that he never thought he would keep me, that I was ‘too good’ for him and he could not understand why I loved him.

I am always conscious of that now, and I do remind Rich constantly of how much I love him, and to not listen to his demon in his head – his insecurity! Because I know that he still sometimes thinks I will leave; even now, even though we have gone on a massive adventure to France together  he still cannot understand why am here with him after everything we have been through; still does not believe it when I say that  “I love him more than I can ever say.”

I have said in the journal entry how when Rich closed his eyes it set of a chain reaction in me, and I thought he was thinking of ‘her, which made me cry. Now I know he wasn’t; I know he closed his eyes through guilt. When those things happened as we tried to stay together it was one of the hardest things to get my head around, especially whilst in bed having sex. But I did get round it, by writing things like this in my journal, which helped me see that in fact there was probably another reason altogether.

I believe that everything that life sends our way is a lesson, and we can choose to listen to it or not! If your heart has been broken by someone that you trusted and believed in, a person who you thought would never let you down, you know that I know how hard that is.

Remember the hardest lessons are always the ones that teach us the most.

But I do believe that if you are going to move forward, with or without them, there will come a time when you need to stop and reflect, and be honest with yourself: Were there little things that you could have seen? Were there things that you could have done differently?

If your still in the blame game, and more than a few months into recovery I would urge you to consider getting out of it at some point, because that’s just one of the whirlpools you can get sucked into on the ocean of despair.

If you think that my blog would help others please share

 

Moisy

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Journal Entry: ‘Trickle Truth’ – When did it really start?

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Monday 18th June 2007

I told Rich on Saturday that I wanted to get ‘that’ love affair back – and I do. We had a good evening this evening and Rich took my car to work because he hates driving his so much.

But yesterday I had a bad day, and that is what gets to me so much, the highs and then the terrible lows.

Rich told me on Saturday that he had cried at work with the boys in his gang.  He had told them about our argument on Friday, but we did laugh that I had lobbed his phone at his head!

But yesterday I just had a really bad day. I was decorating (not good because the thoughts keep whizzing round your head).

Why did he do it?

Why did he start to see ‘Her’ again in March?

I checked his phone bill right back to last June, as Rich had told me to do to prove he had not been texting Her. But of course she had a different phone then – how could I check?  And that made me angry, because he knew that. So does that mean that he is still lying to me about what happened?

I could also see that it all started again on the 28th of February. All the texts, and it really upset me, my heart was pounding in my chest again. 

I had a big chat with Tom (always so astute)! He told me I must let it go and see what I have now. But the hurt is so bad.

Tom said I that he could see that Rich loved me so much and I just looked at him as if to say ‘your joking right?’ But I had to laugh when he said to me ‘Mum! You’re not an easy person to come back to!’ 

Anyway I got the decorating done and never rang Rich all day. He didn’t ring me, apart from to say he was on his way home. I swore to myself that I would not bring it up; that I could act. But I couldn’t.

I did bring up not being able to find the number and that I thought that Rich had deliberately set me up to look, thinking I was still a silly bitch and wouldn’t remember that she had changed ‘her’ phone. 

I told Rich that for us to survive I have to know he is not still lying to me about anything. But he swears he is not. I explained and showed him how I remember things – like he now says  that he did not meet up with Her at Tankerton until the March. That they had only communicated by phone in the September and October. But then I remembered that he said she had asked him to meet Her when he first text Her in the July to say the kiss was a mistake. So is he now lying again?

Why did he ever text her? Why did he contact her at all? None of it added up.

See!! What do I do? I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let it go and concentrate on now.

I explained to Rich how it has affected me – my wedding photos mean nothing, you might as well throw my dress away because when I look at them they mean nothing.

That I look back on the last nine years and feel that what I had never actually existed, it was just crap. (But as I am writing this I realise that there must be something, or I would not be here.)

I want to stay but that is how I feel.

I know that Rich went up to the toilet and cried. I cried.

When Rich came back down we talked – something that Rich must continue to do. Even though he told me he does not cry anymore he told me he had lied. That he needs to go to the Doctor for anti-depressants because he feels so down; that he cried yesterday when he had sent his gang home from work.  That he cried every day because his gut feeling is that he has lost me, that he is picking up that vibe, and that he cannot live without me. That he has suicidal thoughts – that he was thinking that  if he got run over by a train whilst at work,  I would be able to get over him because it is a different bereavement, and financially I would be ok. That he sat on track yesterday without his high-visibility gear on, crying.

So now I have written all this down and now I realise that I must help us.

That only I can.

Do I let that fucking cunt destroy any more than ‘She’ has already?

I know that Rich cannot live without me – something that Tom predicted at the very beginning when he first left.

I know that Rich is so sorry, that he was so manipulated; got caught up in something.

I must move on, I must leave it in the past and concentrate on now. I need to prove that to myself.

God/Mum please help me.

Mois

Reflections 2018

When I read this entry I cried for the person who was writing this journal. I cried because I remember her pain.

Reading my journal it is like reading another person’s story now;  but I know that person, who is suffering so much, made me the person that I am today; and her strength, courage, and determination brought tears to my eyes. I knew that she was in a bad place when she asked her mum for help!

I was right when I wrote that  our son Tom was astute when he told me to focus on what I have now, because he knows me so well; and also because during this conversation he told me that I had to understand how courageous it was for Rich to come back, how he must love me so much to put up with the crap I was dishing out to him.   He was so right, when he said that I ‘was not an easy person to come back to.’  I was not!

What Tom said  made me take a step back and his words echoed in my ears often, when Rich would look so lost, when I would see how hard Rich was trying and mainly when I was being a bitch! In fact I still quote them back to myself today at times. (I believe that you have to see yourself in all of this, none of us are perfect!)

This entry starts to show my madness, the language is changing, I am starting to write about the lies, lies, and more lies, or the truth, truth and more truth if  you were to believe Rich!

An important way to explain it is this: What  I said to Rich about not lying to me and always telling me the truth was true at that time. He had lied to me so much over the past year (or however long it was) and I couldn’t bear the fact that he may still be lying, that he may still be keeping secrets that he could only share with ‘her’; I couldn’t bear the fact that they may still be sharing things that I was not party to. The important thing here is ‘at that time’… I don’t give a shit now!

But ‘at that time’ it didn’t matter what Rich said I didn’t believe him, he was  in a ‘no win’ situation that would continue for years until, as you will see from my book, I decided where to go with the unicorn known as the truth!

Eventually (but it took an age to get there) where the timeframe for when the affair started  was concerned I made mind up my mind that Rich had in fact been texting ‘her’ all along; that he had probably been seeing ‘her’ all along, and that it had started months earlier than I even thought at that time. The clues were there when I looked back.

It is important for me to say though, that I am saying this with eleven years of building something new behind us;  at the time that I wrote this entry in my journal I could never have made these decisions about the truth, because if I believed that Rich had been cheating on me that long I would not have stayed, and I knew that. I was in a catch 22 situation, I wanted the truth because I did not want to be made ‘a fool of anymore’ but I did not want the truth because I would not have stayed – and ultimately I wanted to!

This is a journey that I am sharing with you all, and it is a journey that we both went on; so I think it is essential that I explain to you the impact on Rich.  This entry starts to show that the turmoil for Rich is growing every day. He found it so hard because one day I was telling him I could do it and the next I was telling him I couldn’t. This eventually drove him mad; and, if I’m honest, I think that was part of my revenge at the beginning, I punished Rich every day. But when it did eventually take its toll we were so much further down the path, and I did not want him to fall apart, but it was too late and the damage had already been done. Just something to think about…..

I hope anyone who is thinking of having an affair reads this blog/book before they embark on it; I think that it may make them think twice.

I hope so….

Moisy

I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don’t care
‘Cause I know my happiness is waiting
Out there somewhere

I’m searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I’ve never seen
Oh, I’d like to take just a moment
And dream my dreams, oh dream my dream

Woah, woah, zoom, I’d like to fly far away, yeah
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I’d find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be

Zoom – The Commordes

Songwriters: Ronald Lapread / Lionel Richie

Trickle Truth: A background story

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So we all know about ‘trickle truth’ right?

I have to say that I hate that term purely because it gives credence to something that seems so important at the time – a label that people can file something under and revisit it time and time again. I am not sure that is a good thing.

I know eventually that you have to decide what you’re going to believe and what your not; only then will you be able to become really strong and move forward because, let’s be honest, the ‘truth’ about the past is never going to be something you will know for sure.

But I will use this term because it is one of the biggest things that people search for answers to – How will I know they are telling the truth? When will they tell me the whole truth? Why do they keep lying? When will it stop? ……..

Here is where our ‘Trickle Truth started’ ..

I am sharing a background story with you because my journal entries are going to start to show how I questioned Rich again and again, picked him up on the smallest of nuances; because I do have the memory of an elephant! Over time you will see what I really came to believe about the truth.

When Rich and I met in the car park whilst he was still with her (see The Surrender Part 2 https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/19/the-surrender-part-2/) Rich sat in my a car and told me the background story (we all know here that this was never going to include the whole story!) He told me that the text messages between them had only started in the July because he had sent her a text to say that the kiss that had taken place at her party should never have happened. (To do this Rich would have to have taken ‘her’ number from my phone book in my phone!) Of course as soon as Rich text ‘her’ she had his number and then continously text him. (Or so Rich said!) Rich said that he never answered her until the September, and that they had not communicated between the July and September.

After they met in the October, when they had tried to have sex at ‘her’ brother’s house (and this is significant to our story) Rich said that he had cut off all contact and did not start up contact again until the following March, when the affair began again.

This was the start of the ‘Trickle Truth’ and as you will see as the story unfolds it went on for quite a time (in fact I found something out whilst writing this book!)

So that is the background story to the start of truth’s and lies, and we all know how important they are, don’t we?

Moisy

Coping Mechanisms – My Saviour – Music

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Driving in the car was one of the hardest things for me; I remember dreading going to my car at night after work, because, as I had said to my sister, “The Demon is waiting for me every time.”

I Imagined it –  sat in the passenger seat, a little green ugly bastard, who was ready to say hello, and then torment me all the way home.

It was when I was alone that The Demon was at it’s strongest; and the car was a  little world where no-one else could intrude, so that was his main domain. The Demon would ask me questions, ‘Why are you having him back? Do you remember when he walked you back from their house and told you were being stupid? And you believed him, even though you knew! You were SO fucking stupid!’https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/08/march-2007-the-build-up-to-hostilites-begin/

He would remind me of all the times ‘ she’ and Rich had made a fool of me: of the times  ‘she’ would measure me to show how much taller than me ‘she’ was;and then The Demon would remind me that I fucking let her!  He would remind me of how many times ‘She’ and Rich would stand outside smoking and laughing together, and then he would tell me that they had been laughing about me. All the way home that Demon would run a film of what had happened through my head on a never ending loop.

As I pulled up outside my house it would tell me how people thought I was stupid for having Rich back, for believing him in the past, for feeling sad for him now; reminding me of how ‘she’ and Rich had treated me as if I was a fat silly bitch, and, again, how  I had let them.

I often felt as if it was literally poking me in the head head and asking me if I was listening. It knew to tap into my deadly sin, pride, and I could often feel my blood literally start to boil and hear the beating of my heart because it was so loud and I was so, so angry.

By now  I was buying CD’s like they were going out of fashion, and the songs I chose to play would all relate to what I was going through at that time; and although  I would cry to so many it was my main way of stopping The Demon from getting into my head, it was by all accounts my saviour for a very long time.

There was, and still is, one particular song by the Sugar Babes – ‘Stronger’ – that I played all the time; it is a song that will always mean something to me, no matter where I am in my life; and it can still bring tears to my eyes because I will always be ‘the one who stands here longer than the rest.’

The song resonated with me because I knew one thing for certain, I was strong; and all of the other players in this comedy of errors had made one big mistake: They had underestimated me! That song was the angel in my head reminding me of what I had gained because of what had happened: I had lost myself along the way and now I had got myself back.

‘I’ll make it through the rainy days

I’ll be the one who stands here longer than the rest

When my landscape changes, rearranges
I’ll be stronger than I’ve ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything’s gonna be alright’

I also knew that although I was with Rich I was all alone, that was a fact! We had to build something new and what we had right now was simply based on what we used to have, which I knew had to change because it was never going to be enough.

I was alone until I could believe and trust Rich again, and I couldn’t do that until  I was stronger.

I’m all alone and finally
I’m getting stronger
You’ll come to see
Just what I can be
I’m getting stronger

Of course I know, now, that what we were going to have was going to be new, but it was going to be based on what we had learnt from this life changing, mind blowing, excruciatingly heart breaking and painful experience. To do that, as I always say, Rich had to face his fears (that I might leave), he had to step up to the plate and be brave, be sorry, and show it.

I know that there’s gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that’s the way it’s gotta be

In an earlier journal entry  I had written how Rich had sent me a text and called me his ‘beautiful wife’. This was important because he was so afraid to approach me in many ways, even to call me a nickname he had used  before ‘The War’.

Rich had always called me his ‘Beautiful Wife’, in all the time we had been together, and he had me saved in his phone under ‘Beautiful Wifey.’ But when they had been together ‘She’ had found my details in his phone and insisted that he save ‘her’  under a special name in his phone book. When  I found it, (it was Gorgeous Girlfriend) I went fucking ballistic. I told Rich that I just wanted him to save me as Moira in his phone and nothing else (he was still not allowed to call me Mois – See ‘Day Nine – I started to fall out of love with you’ ) https://makingthisbetter.com/2018/10/11/day-nine-wednesday-i-started-to-fall-out-of-love-with-you/ So Rich having a name for me was now also ruined!

For Rich to call me Beautiful Wife in a text was, in a small way, Rich facing one of his fears: He knew that I could have easily told him to fuck off! That it could trigger so much and that he could come home to me waiting for him with my bags packed. But to Rich I was his Beautiful Wife, and he wanted back some of what he had before, so he faced his fears and used the name he had been forbidden to use. Seems like a small thing but it was immense because I knew how brave he had been, and that he had listened; and I listened too.

I also know that ‘Mois’ who wrote this journal did not know any of what I know now, but she still hung on to hope. It is essential, if you don’t have hope then you have nothing and why are you there?

‘Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that’s been captured in a maze
I had my ups and down
Trials and tribulations
I overcome it day by day
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what I’m looking for’

This song always meant so much (still does) because over time  I could see that I was a different and stronger person when I was not with Rich; I was ‘my own person’ which I would learn was fundamental to our survival  because I could never feel vulnerable again. I still don’t!

I didn’t know what I had to do

I Just knew I was alone

People around me

But they didn’t care

So I searched into my soul

I’m not the type of girl that will let them see her cry

It’s now my style

I’ll get by

See I’m gonna do this for me

‘Stronger Performed by The Sugababes  Written by Jony Rockstar, Marius de Vries and Felix Howard

Get a song….. Not an angry one, one that moves you forward and listen to it when your head is telling you stories.

Moisy

Journal Entry: Just put your arms around me and make everything alright……

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Journal entry: Thursday 9th June 2007.

I cried at work again yesterday, because of the thoughts in my head, about things I cannot change.

When I came home Rich and I were fine, but eventually I decided that he should know I cried at work. That I cry at work. The counsellor had told him that there would be things I would say that he would not want to hear.

I explained about the things in my head. He said that he didn’t cry anymore, but had waves of depression come over him – because he eventually feels he will lose me.

I had realised that Rich is my defence against my demons. That only he can drive them away, by putting his arms around me and just saying sorry.

If he wants to keep me he must have the courage of his convictions and fight his fear to keep me.

I reminded him again of the wedding speech and that I don’t feel he is a “loser.”

I feel we have moved onto the next phase. I am happy for the first time.

Mois

Reflections

My first reaction to this entry was ‘Oh My God!’

We had so much further to go, we had not moved on to the next phase, we had not even begun this phase! I know that I just wanted it all to go away, I wanted to feel better, I didn’t want to feel this pain anymore, so I told myself we were getting better, I even wrote it in my journal!

I was lying!

The best advice I can give now, is that  you need to stop trying to make it go away, because in all honesty it will never ‘go away’. It happened it can’t un-happen! But over time the pain will go away, (if you let it) you won’t think about it every day (I know I thought that was never going to happen either!); and if you do all the things you need to like: accepting, listening, reflecting, understanding and so many more you will become stronger from something that won’t ‘go away’.

I know from reading other people’s stories, people who are going through what we went through, that they struggle so much with what they perceive to be their inability to ‘move on.’ With the hindsight of over eleven years since it happened to us I can only offer this advice: stop trying to make it move forward faster, you will just add to your madness!. Accept that you are on one hell of a ride, and it will go at its own pace, you have no control over that. As the great Lao Tzu says:

“let reality be reality let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like…”

Instead I held on to hope, we both did. There had to be hope or everything would be  lost. When I read my journal now I can see that throughout there was hope, I wrote it on nearly every page, in fact wasn’t my journal a book of hope in itself?

At the time I would re-read my entries and I couldn’t see any hope anywhere I could only see despair.  All I could see  was the pain Rich had caused me, and it was clouding my thinking to almost everything else.

I wanted Rich to know, over and over again, how destroyed I was, how he had destroyed me, made me into this person that cried at work every day; and I wanted him to feel as fucking bad as I did! (Yes I remember that emotion even now!)

I told Rich that I cried because I knew that it would upset him and add to his fear that I would leave.

More and more I was realising that we were never going to be what we were before. That what we had was dead, and I blamed Rich for destroying it;  and yet Rich just seemed to want to bury his head in the sand and pretend that everything was normal.

I can remember how furious I was with Rich when he told me that he did not cry anymore, how dare he! When I was crying all the time, in the car (the worst place ever for me and that did not fully go until I sold that car two years later!) in the shower, at work, on the toilet!

As the words go at that time  I expected him to “Cry me a river”.

I can honestly say now that the reason I was happy at that moment was because I had told Rich that I cried at work, that I had upset him, that I had made him feel as insecure as I felt and and that is what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to punish him, badly.

However even eleven years later, the damage I inflicted on Rich has still not fully gone away. Is that what I wanted to achieve? No, never.

I do believe that it is only natural to want revenge, to want to make the person who hurt you suffer for what they have done; but I wish I knew then what I know now, because that achieved nothing other than my loving husband never being able to forgive himself; and I don’t want that, I want him to feel better.

You will see in my story how I will often write in my journal how Rich needed to have the ‘courage of his confictions’ or needed to ‘step up to the plate’, or needed to ‘face his fears’. All are true.

I know that some people follow my blog in the hope that they can find ways to repair the damage they have done, I am sure that some of the things that Rich will do as this story moves forward will help them, but only if they have the courage to take it forward.

I am not talking about whether you tell the truth here – you will come to understand that I left that myth behind a long while ago; and you will understand why in future blogs.

I am talking about the actions you can take:

Console them. That was all I needed most of the time, Rich to comfort me, to tell me it would be okay, tell me he was sorry even if I told him to “fuck off” afterwards. I needed Rich to never give up; and if you look at Rich’s few bits of advice at the end of my book ‘never give up’ is one of them.

There were times when he looked terrified as he approached me, but he still approached me, and I can never remember a time when I pushed him away when he had his arms around me.

So this is a simple thing for those who want to make it better:

Put your arms around them and comfort them, even if your afraid.

Moisy

A little note: 

‘Just Say, Just Say by Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye (Written by Ashford and Simpson) was our go to song, it still is and it still brings tears to my eyes.

When Rich first came back we sat at opposite each other one night at the breakfast bar as this song came on. It said it all, I wanted Rich to make it better and he wanted to, for me this song rings true listen to it, it might make you cry (it still makes me cry even today)  but it will help you know you’re not alone.

.

Just say just say that you forgive me
And make it better

Just say just say that you’ll stay near me
And make it alright make it alright

Just say just say that life without me
Would  be impossible

Just say just say you’ll never doubt me
And make it alright make it alright

make it alright

All I wanna hear
All I wanna feel
Is your voice
Your arms holding me

All I wanna know
Are you still there
Ooh nothing’s changed
and it’s the same
As it used to be

Just say just say you won’t be leaving
And not to cry

Just say you haven’t lost the feeling
And it will never die
Make it alright

All I wanna do
Oh is make it up to you
‘Cause I need you more than life itself
All I wanna know
Are you still there
Nothing’s changed
and It’s the same as it used to b

It’s all I wanna hear
All I wanna feel
Is your voice
Your arms holding me……….