Small things: The things we do not see. The Barmaid

 

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August 2008 

Small things: The things we do not to see. …

After the old man had left we stayed in the hotel bar and as the night wore on we got chatting to the barmaid; she was telling us all about her life and her boyfriend and kids. When Danny went to the toilet she turned to me and said “He fucking loves you, don’t he, you’re husband?” (She had a Wiltshire accent)

I was surprised that she thought that: given everything that had happened and I said “Really? Do you think so?”

She just looked at me and said “I fucking know so! The way he looks at you, I would give anything for a man to look at me like that!”

I looked at her and said “Well he fucked off with the neighbour last year and set up home with her for three weeks!”

She looked shocked and taken aback, but then she thought about it and said “I don’t fucking care! I wouldn’t care what he’d done. I have never had a man look at me like that in my life; and would give anything for someone to look at me and to love me the way that he loves you!”

That said it all! I suddenly realised that here I was with someone who loved me so much that other people could see it on his face, in the way he looked at me; and I was so caught up in what had happened to me (not us, remember it was all about me!) that I could not see what I actually had in front of me at that moment.

I shut up! What could I say? I sounded so spoilt, like a narcissistic woman who just took things for granted because it was all about her, what had happened to her; and she did not think twice about poor Danny!

I cannot begin to tell you what a massive impact this had on me, and our relationship; these two encounters with two people in the same place on the same day: and the messages they delivered were paramount in us being here today. Perhaps they were sent to us because of what had happened the week before; as they say where there is bad there is good, everything goes in a circle. What happened the week before

I listened. I realised that I was throwing away what I had got: something that people search for all their life and never find, because of my ego, because of my pride. 

I had something with Danny that I would never find with someone else; because he still loved me so much because of what we had been through, yes ‘We’.

I understood that Danny had lost things as well, because of the mistake he had made; I did not have to make him pay, he was paying every day, because he had lost that unconditional love that I had for him.

But more importantly I was taking for granted what I had: letting each day slip away when in fact that is all any of us ever have: that particular day; and I was not appreciating or enjoying the unconditional love that Danny had for me.

One of the mantras that I now live my life by is that ‘Life shows you the way.’ I learnt that fact by what happened to us and how we both listened to all the people that we met along the way on this journey: really listened to some of the things they said. I do believe that ‘Life’ sent those two people our way that day because, as my journal entries show, I was struggling to stay. So life sent me two messages and thank God I listened.

So I would ask the person reading this, who is probably going through what we went through, are you listening to the small messages that life sends you? They will be there to help you if you just listen; and if you want to survive this you need to listen to them; life will show you the way.

August 2008 was a big month for us. We learnt that we did not want to split up; we learnt that we had too much to lose, and we learnt to start to look forward and not backwards all the time – still did some of the time, but this was a start.

Rosie

Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook  at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect

I would love to hear your feedback.

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11 comments

  1. As you say Moisy, it is so important to listen to all of the people on your journey. Some comments you can take and others you can leave, but it’s important to consider them nonetheless. I think it’s also important to listen more carefully to our partners. In retrospect there were a few specific times when I think my husband – in his own way – tried to reach out to me for help and I don’t think that I heard him/ understood him. (He never said anything like “I need help” or “I’m a mess” and I’m not a mind reader, but maybe I missed what he and the universe were trying to convey.) One of my goals on this journey is to become a better listener generally. I used to think I was really good at it, but I’ve come to understand the difference between hearing and actually listening. I aspire to do more of the latter.
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think sometimes life is so hectic that we miss the small things; & then when the crap hits the fan it stops us in our tracks: life’s way of making us stop & listen perhaps. It seems such a harsh way to do it, but over time it has got me wondering is there any other way, but the hard way? When I read the vitriolic and butter comments from all the people who are hurting, but not moving forward, I know it is because they have got caught in the pain but are still refusing to listen: so they are stuck, sometimes I feel immense sadness for them, sometimes I want to shake them out of that downward spiral. But you cannot, only they can do it, and that is the test life sends you. I love ‘The road less travelled by M Scott Peck: in it he says how he come to realise that in life we’re not doing the driving, even though we think we are. I love that analogy, and I understand it.
      I live that in the midst of all the crap you went through you can look back and see that there were times that your husband asked for help. I hope we meet one day my friend. Moisy ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I always find it interesting how people are shocked that craig cheated because they said he always spoke so highly of me – that he was proud to be my husband and he clearly liked me as a person.

    Of course, people don’t cheat because of their spouse. They cheat because they are weak. Or looking for excitement. Or assholes. Whatever. It’s their flaw.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rich had an affair because he listened to his own insecurities, and then he met a narc, who never wanted anyone to be happy, and she played them. It changed him a lot, he had to see the person that he was & then decide to change. He did, people do evolve, some do, I don’t believe in the adage ‘once a cheater always a cheater’. People are people & they make mistakes. Moisy ❤️

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      • I agree. I don’t think once a cheater always a cheater. Anyone can do the work to change. I have. I see sober people who have changed their lives dramatically. It’s not the norm, sadly.

        But it’s because they sees and accept their flaws and character defects and work with them. They learn who they are.

        It’s all an inner journey.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You are so right it is because they are able to reflect and see the things that none of us want to see about ourselves. I know that you know that to achieve and move forward that is the key; in all things in life. It is sad that it is not the norm, but perhaps with sharing our journeys it will help some people face their fears, put the work in and never give up. Only recently on twitter a man who had an affair is beside himself for the pain that he has caused his wife; another is trying to make amends but cannot understand why his wife will not fully engage with him and keeps saying it’s too late (this is not his first affair). I think if we could encourage people who have betrayed to read others stories, then perhaps we will encourage others to reflect. When I started this blog Rich was afraid, especially when I shared some of the 21 days he was away. He said that people would think he was a c**t. I pointed out to him that at that point in our story he was, but he isn’t now, and that over time people would see what he had done to make amends and they would use that. They are now and now Rich engages with so many others blogs and can see what a diference sharing our story has made.
        I love it that you read my blog Anna, and I know where you are is a hard place to be, I hvae been there, so as always sending a massive hug and I am there, as we all are, if you need me. Moisy

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      • Thank you.
        I read lots of blogs and the reality is that there are very few reconciliation stories. And most include a lot of pain, accommodation and long term distress.

        Maybe I just didn’t love craig as much as you loved Rich. I miss him, but I’m not willing to help him fix this. He is working on himself, and I am proud of him…but I cannot risk my heart on him again. Not now, anyway.

        It’s so complicated. And messy. Sigh.

        I love your story. It’s always good to read.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you Anna, I totally understand why you cannot help him, you have to heal yourself first. Our story is not going to be everyone, the only thing I will say is never say never; because you don;t know what life holds. Sending a hug.Moisy x

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  3. Hello! Just wanted to pass on this article about publishers who are willing to look at manuscripts submitted directly by authors. You may want to try to find a literary agent first, but if that does not pan out soon enough, submitting a good cover letter and a few chapters to one of the appropriate publishers here might prove fruitful (obviously you will not submit to the ones looking for science fiction!): https://writingcooperative.com/30-traditional-publishers-accepting-submissions-no-agent-required-a1ec70e165a2?source=email-49442c4543ae-1555732964323-digest.reader——1-1——————c51d5c62_9ffc_45b2_814f_f79c08983078-4&sectionName=collection

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Ellen for all your support. I will do this next week, as in the process of looking at self publishing. Been offered a really good deal, but would prefer to go via a publisher. As you can see been putting the work in & now had over 40,000 views & counting. I know it will do well from all the social media interactions, people are waiting to buy it. Thank for all your support it really is appreciated. Moisy ❤️

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