Journal Entry : It’s gone.

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Tuesday 7th June 2007

I Felt very positive today, after feeling very sad yesterday.

Rich and I had a big chat yesterday and I decided that Rich was as sad as I was for what we have lost. That he wants back what we have lost. That made me feel better, because I realised that Rich still treasures what we had.

He doesn’t’ believe that I will be able to do this (have him back). But I will try because I do believe that we have too much to throw away.

I told Rich that he had to have the courage of his convictions and fight for me if that is what he really wants. I have to say that saying all of it has helped, and Rich has made every effort.

When you know that someone loves you that much, is that sad for what they have done, what do you do? Throw it away? Look back in a years’ time and regret it?

But every now and again Rich having sex with ‘her’ creeps into my head, and it is like a wave coming over me. 

Things are better, but I wonder if that will ever stop; and will I ever be able to say I am one hundred per cent happy, which I was before?

I am sure that is a question that has been asked over and over again “Why”


Reflections 2018

This is an important entry for me, because I had started to realise that what we had before was gone; it was ‘lost’ and we were never going to get that back; that I was able to have this conversation with Rich and had  I realised that Rich still loved me and treasured what we had, was something that kept me there. But the enormity of what he could lose was starting to hit home to Rich.

I would continue to struggle with the fact that what we had was gone for a few months to come, and grieve for it for years to come. But Rich fought for what we had in the past  for  years to come; he would virtually drive himself insane trying to go backwards and find what was lost. Of course this was always going to be futile: not only because it was lost, but because I had moved on and therefore I was not in that place in the past anymore.

I have been asked by many people ‘When will we get back what we had before?’ You won’t! What you had has died, and that is why you are grieving. But if you can stop and listen amongst the madness, there may be some small things left from the fire that burned through your relationship, on which to build something new and only if you can understand that it will be new can you move forward into the future.

The other important part of this entry is that I told Rich (again) that he had to have the  ‘courage of his convictions.’ He had bought us to where we were now and he was the one who had to do the work to make it right again, and make me want to stay.

To do that he had to face all of his fears and show me how sorry he was every day; and only then would we have any chance of survival.

The night before I wrote this entry Rich and I had been in the garden, I was watering the few flower pots that I had bothered  to pot up in ‘The War’  and Rich was watching me with tears in his eyes. I remember wondering why? He was the person who had brought us to where we were, he had made all of the mistakes!  I asked him what he was thinking and  he just looked at me and said he was upset because he was so sorry; and that he could not understand why he had done this to me.

This was the start of me realising that Rich did not know his arse from his head any more than I did! I also started to understand and accept that we were both heart broken, albeit coming from different angles.

Rich had said that he doubted that I could ever be really happy with him again and I remember lying to him and saying that at that moment I only felt eighty per cent happy, in comparison to how I had felt before “The War”.  In truth I was only at fifteen per cent happy (mainly because Rich had come home and I had time to get over the shock of the last few months; and that I now had the time to make my decision of whether to stay or leave); but as I stood  looking at this man, who was just lost, I couldn’t hurt him and tell him that,  despite how much he had hurt me.

Over the weeks since Rich had come back he had become clear that he did still  love me; that all of his actions on his initial return had been nothing but bravado, a way of covering up his vulnerability.

But as I had grown stronger  Rich, in some ways, had become weaker: his bravado lost when he realised exactly what was at risk – and at risk it still was, very much so. So he became a person who fluctuated from being so sorry all the time, a man who tried  to show me how much he loved in whatever way he could; to a man who became agitated and defensive as I asked him the same questions over and over again. Only now, eleven years later, can I see that this was because he was afraid.

Sadly at that time no matter what Rich did it was never going to be enough; and I can say now that the fact that he never gave up, just taking every blow, is one of the main reasons that I am able to tell you our story today, sitting here in France, with him.

I knew that the love  we still had was something that I had to believe in,  as that was the one and only foundation brick on which to try and build a NEW relationship. As I said all those years ago:

‘When you know that someone loves you that much, is that sad for what they have done, what do you do? Throw it away?

Look back in a years’ time and regret it?’

Someone asked recently when will they ever be one hundred per cent happy again; and I responded that it is impossible to answer that question other than to say: when you finish grieving for what you have lost and start to build something new, whether it is with that person or without them.

I would urge everyone who is struggling to allow that time for grief, you cannot build on something new until you come to terms with the fact that what you had before has gone.

Just a tip:  remember you have the here and now and try and see the small things that happen in your relationship, you will see as our story progresses I did..


Coping Mechanisms -The Demon

I Image result for images for goblinsIn the May that Rich returned I went back to work towards the end of the month. I wanted to take on the extra hours and I needed, in my head, to be independent financially from Rich. (See my entry after our first visit to the counsellor together and you will understand why – Counselling – It is he who should be sorry not me! )

But every day I struggled. I was still not eating and permantly had tears in my eyes; O l kept finding myself in the toilet crying; although I could cry in front of any of my colleagues I just did not want to keep putting my misery onto them because they had all been so understanding; they knew that although Rich was back we were on a knife’s edge of surviving.

I felt such a fool, so humiliated, and a voice in my head kept telling me that I should not be here now, sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes, and telling me it was all Rich’s fault. (It was!)

It told me that if I left him now I could have my sense of pride back and people would not be pitying me any more, that I would not cry any more. I started to believe it; I just wanted to stop crying, to not feel a fool, I wanted my self respect back and I believed that all of that was impossible to achieve all the time I stayed with Rich.

Once a week a man from another department, we’ll call him Josh, would come to our offices for his weekly meeting with his boss. He was a lovely, gentle man who had a strong sense of faith in God; and he came in to see me to give me a hug and some moral support for what had happened.

Josh said that I had done the right thing in having Rich back, that trials are sent to test us, to help us become stronger and different people.I told him I was struggling, and I explained that it was as if there was a voice in  my head, a demon, that was constantly whispering to me to  leave Rich, telling me what a bastard he was, how he didn’t deserve me, more than anything reminding me of the fool that they had made of me: how they had laughed at me.

Josh looked at me and said “I am glad that you have called it a demon, because that is exactly what it is: It is evil.

Evil does not want you to be happy, does not want Rich to be happy, it doesn’t want anyone to be happy. It will tell you that if you leave Rich you will feel better because your sense of pride will come back, because you will have distanced yourself from what Rich has done. It will tell you that you will feel better because you are not with Rich anymore and that you will be able to leave the situation behind. But will you?  Will you feel happier? Will you stop crying? Will you get your pride back? Just remember, evil wants to destroy any possibility that you have for happiness, destroy the possibility of anyone else’s happiness, and the only true possibility for happiness is to stay with Rich and try.”

And this is where my strong personality came into it’s own: I thought about it, about what Josh had said and I knew that it was true. If I left I would not feel any happier than I did now; I would still be broken hearted and so would Rich. Tom’s life would be affected, as would everyone who was supporting us. What was I going to achieve by leaving? Just more devastation! I could move away from Rich, sell our house and walk away but I also knew that I would be consumed with bitterness for what Rich had done to us, and that over time that bitterness would destroy me; whether Rich was with me or not.

I was not prepared to let that happen to me; I did not want to become a vindictive vicious person who trusted nobody. I was not going to let that bitch do that to me.

After my conversation with Josh, when the voice started to whisper in my brain, I would imagine it as a green evil, imp like demon. Something that just wanted to cause mischief, hurt and pain; I knew  we had all been through enough of that already and I could see what it was trying to do, it was clear it was lying to me. Now getting this demon under control was hard, trust me it was so hard, but visualising the demon to whom the voice belonged  helped me tell it to ‘FUCK OFF’. I would literally shout it out loud when I was in the car.

My advice to anyone going through this now: get a coping mechanism for that voice in your head; and be careful who you talk to because they may (just may) want you to fail and will enhance that voice and it’s message. It’s your voice take control of it! Imagine it as what you like but don’t let it beat you.

What happened to us all those years ago led me to read many psychiatry books, ‘Counselling for Toads’ being the first  (for those Wind in the Willows fans – careful you will never look at the in the same way again!) I know now that the demon was in fact what psychiatrists now refer to as the left hand side of your brain. Byron Katie gives an explanation in her book: ‘Loving What Is’:

“perhaps the most important revelation is precisely this: That the left cerebral hemisphere of humans is prone to fabricating verbal narratives that do not necessarily accord with the truth.”

In the same book there is a  quote from Michael Gassaniga:

It is like ‘having what amounts to a spin doctor in the left brain…’

For me over the years I have learnt that it is in fact your ego, which most times in life is your worst enemy.

So call it what you like, a demon (it still is to me but only as a memory now because mine died years ago!) a spin doctor, whatever; I can tell you now that yours is going to run riot if you are in the situation that I was in at that time. So my advice is get a coping mechanism and don’t let that bastard beat you!

Stay Strong, be in control even though it is hard.

It was the first coping mechanism that I put into place because of his advice and  I know if I had not listened to him Rich and I would not be here today. We have a lot to thank that man for.

As always I hope this helps, and if you know someone it might help then please, share it with them.


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My Journal – First Entry

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Premier Journal Entry –

Saturday the 2nd June 2007 

Last night Rich and I had been talking and he had told me that he had found it an ego boost that two women had been fighting over him. When he said it I looked at him in shock because I could not believe what a fucking wanker he is.

I rang my sister, and told her that I could not do this, I didn’t think I could stay, I could not see how things were getting any better. She suggested that I keep a weekly journal of my thoughts and feelings; mainly as a comparison, to enable me to establish whether I was moving on or not, whether I could stay with Rich, and whether things were getting better, or easier, or whether I couldn’t forgive. I thought it was a good idea.

When Rich had said about his ‘ego boost’  I pointed out to him that I was fighting with FGB (Fucking goofy bitch) because of what ‘She’ had done to me. I wasn’t fighting for him! FGB could fucking have him! 

However it really got to me – as I should never have been in that position, and I was, and I am worth more than that!

Yes, Tom is right that some of that is my pride. However, it is also my self-respect.

I cried over it, coming back from Tesco, I cried over my situation. I sat on The Downs for forty five minutes, but once I had cried I felt better.

It made me realise that ‘She’ was prepared to fight for Rich, but he still came back to me, knowing I could reject him at any time. That told me something.

But it also makes me wonder if I really knew Rich at all;  if that is the way that he thinks do I really like him? Or want to be with him? Perhaps I had just never noticed the arsehole in him before and now I am starting to!!

I have to step back and become my own person. I cannot be totally absorbed in him, like before. That is how things have changed. I must stop craving affection from him.

I could still have a good life financially, with security and companionship; it just won’t be that all-consuming love anymore.

 I am sad about that.

That is what I feel 



Reflections  – 2018

The picture of me writing this entry is clearly etched in my mind. I had gone down to the beach on my own, and I was laying in the sunshine, with all the happy holiday makers around me writing a book that may put pay to my marriage. The sky was blue, the wind was blowing, people were laughing and I had tears in my eyes.

Before I started to write my book I had not read this journal in nearly ten years.

The first thing that struck me was how controlled I was in this entry, because I know that I was totally mad! Perhaps that was part of the madness, it was making me afraid to write my true emotions down.

At this point I did not know if I actually liked Rich or not; if he was someone who could say something like that then he was not a person that I wanted to be with. Add to that all the other pain and I was on the verge of walking away. It made me want to run and, yes,  I thought Rich  really was ‘beneath’ me!

I can remember that conversation with my sister Beth;  I told her that I could not see  that things were getting any better; in fact every day they seemed to be getting worse because my dislike for the person that Rich was, just grew and grew.  I still felt like shit, because I felt that I was selling myself short in staying with him; and I thought that the only way to get over these feelings was to split up with Rich and move on to a new life.

The advice from my sister was good advice. She knew me well; I was a person who needed time to think and reflect. I hadn’t had time in the nightmare of the last two months to process anything;  and felt as if I was drowning in the waves of emotion. My mind whizzed from one thing to another and I was literally going insane.

This journal  enabled me to see how I had felt at the time in comparison to how I felt when I re-read an entry days or weeks later; more importantly the voice in my head could not put as much of a spin on the things that I had written down because they were there on the paper in front of me. Over time it enabled me see a clearer picture of myself (because you cannot lie to yourself when you write a journal) as well as the person that Rich became.

At this point in time I was doing what most people do when their lives are blown apart by infidelity: I just thought that  things would go back to normal. What was normal? The love you had for each other? The lies? How can you go back to normal when you don’t actually know what ‘normal’ is?

So I believe that we hold on to what we can, material things, the kids, at that moment in time they are the only solid things that exist.  Even at this early stage I was considering the fact that I could ‘still have a good life, with security and companionship’.

The most important thing that I  had realised was  that I needed to ‘step back and be my own person’ and never be ‘totally absorbed in Rich in the same way I hadbefore. I had also realised that I was ‘craving affection from him’ and I now know now that it was making me feel worse; because I still felt like someone waiting for someone else’s approval.

I would wonder what was wrong with me?! I had actually lost respect for myself and I had to get that back. Realising this enabled me to become my own person and stop expecting Rich to make me what I was.

I had to a degree lost myself in the years leading up to ‘The War’; I had given up my career, put everything into Rich and his career, leaving myself financially insecure. But most of all I disliked myself because I had chosen not to see the things that were in front of me.  So I knew, at this stage, that I had to find myself and look after myself first, whilst knowing that this may mean that I would leave Rich behind as I became a different person, and I may walk away.

It was a chance I had to take, because right at this moment I felt as if I had nothing. anyway.

I have said it many times already ‘if you want to survive – Always have yourself.’

I still do.


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How did you survive? What can I do? My journal of our journey

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I often have people ask me how we got to where we are now, how did I do it? How did I have Rich back? How are we so happy? They have said how they want to be where we are now (believe me – did I wish that too at the time!) and my answer will always be: ‘we worked really hard!’

But most importantly we listened.

I see from my research and people that I converse with that people ask the same questions over and over – irrespective of the situation- How can I move on? Will it get better? When will this pain go away? Am I going mad?

I do not claim to be an expert in affairs and infidelity – I don’t know what actually makes you an expert anyway. But I do know that we went through it, and as a result I believe that some of the coping mechanisms and processes we put into place may help other people to stay together; or decide that what they have is not what they want. (I know scary but true!)

Although we all have different stories we do all follow similar stages of recovery because it is grief that we are suffering from. We are grieving for what we have lost, because deep down, we know that we will never be able to get back what we had before; but I hate to use the cliche ‘you can get something better’, but you can! Or you can walk away from something that was all a lie anyway, and your life can be better in a different way. Or you can walk away and always wonder ‘What If’?

From what you have read so far it should be clear clear that I was never a woman who would have their husband back if he cheated on her. But you can never say what you will do until you are in that moment; boy did I learn that the hard way! That was a lesson life sent my way!

So my journal starts( Sunday 28th October 2018 My Journal – First Entry ) I should warn you that some of the content does show my pure raw pain; but I had to show you that for you to understand how bad it actually was so that I can then give  hope to some people; enabling them to see  that they can get through it all.

Yes, there are all the whys? How many times? Where did you go? You said something different before! The stories of others influence most really kind and understanding. But most importantly there are small things that we held on to, things that we did for each other, things that we learnt from people along the way; all small things that add up to make a big thing.

As always I hope this helps.



We played the games that people play
We made mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me;

Cos I needed you so desperately

So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn’t say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where’d we go?

‘Still’ Performed by the Commodores Written by Lionel Richie

How can you say you don’t know?!!!!

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May 2006 = Memories and Anger

For the first two weeks after Rich came back we both struggled to do anything normal, including going to work. It was as if nothing mattered, neither of us cared if we lost our jobs, our house anything; because everything was already lost!

Rich suggested that we go out, get out of the house, so we walked along the seafront to the seaside town of Whitstable. It should have been a really lovely walk, but to get to  Whitstable we had walk along the path that took us through the town of Tankerton, the place where Rich would meet her for their liasons.  This was the place where they would sit and kiss in Rich’s car, have a coffee together, make a fool of me.

As we got near to this pretty seafront town I could feel my heart in my chest beating harder and harder and then working its way up until it was in my mouth. I found myself thinking ‘did they park there and snog, or was it there? Did they go in that café, do those people who run the café know that they were making a fool of me?’ Are those people in the cafe looking at me now with pity, thinking there’s that bloke who used to meet his other woman in here!’By now I was getting angry, people were laughing at me, I knew it, and it was all Rich’s fault.

As we made our way into Whitstable I wondered if they had visited any of the pubs we were going to, did everyone know Rich had been cheating on me? Were they all now looking at me and thinking poor cow she doesn’t know that her husband has been seeing someone else.

As we  visited different pubs  I got more and more pissed, and the more pissed I got the more that voice in my head played games with me. It told me that people were whispering about me, laughing at me, it reminded me that my husband may well have been to these places with ‘her’; that he may have met and chatted with the people who were in the pub now! It told me a little story of how ‘she; and Rich must have sat at a table in the corner and laughed about what a silly bitch I was. The more that demon talked to me the more angry I became. I hated Rich for what he had done to me, I would never forgive him, I just couldn’t see how I could.

As normal we had not eaten, because food just held no interest for either of us.   Rich could see that the alcohol was taking it’s toll on me, and  I think he was starting to feel a little bit afraid , so he suggested that we go to an Indian restaurant for something to eat.

I had always wanted to visit a particular restaurant because the food looked superb, but when we entered all I could think was ‘did he bring ‘her’ here?’

We ordered  a huge amount food, I don’t know why because given that neither of us had eaten properly in nearly two months it was unlikely that we were going to eat a feast now! It was just another symptom of the madness that we both felt; we literally did not know our arse from our head!

As we sat there this little voice kept telling me that the waiters had recognised Rich and knew that he had been seeing someone behind my back and my eyes were just brimming with tears. I could see Rich was terrified, sitting with his head down because he just did not know what I was going to do at any given time. It all got too much. I could not stay in the restaurant or eat any of the food that they were bringing out, so I just got up and left. Rich threw money on the table and shouted an apology to the waiter who had by now come up to the table with a trolley full of food, and just ran out after me, leaving the waiter dumbstruck in his wake.

By now I was out of the door and although Rich ran after me he could not find me because I had run down a small alley between the old houses in the town; the alleys all linked together like rat runs because they had been set up for the smugglers to use years before; and I knew that it would be difficult for Rich to find me. I just needed to get away, from Rich, away from the town, away from all of the places that may have held memories for Rich, memories that did not involve me. It was if they were in every building, every pub, and every memory was laughing at me. I needed space, I needd to be on my own.

Eventually Rich found me hiding down the alley behind a wall. I wanted to be left alone because I just had this enormous rage in me bursting to get out; but another part of me wanted Rich to run after me, to show me that he cared this time, because there had been so many other occasions when he hadn’t come after me before. Rich could do nothing right he was damned if he came after me and damned if he didn’t.

I could not believe that we were here, in this place, desperately trying to get something back that had gone;  I just kept asking Rich why he had done it? Why had he made me look such a fool? Why had he gone off with ‘her’ the person who tried it on with everyone’s husband! Why did it have to be my husband that went with ‘her’? All Rich kept saying was that he didn’t know.

I was screaming at him now, I didn’t care who could fucking hear me, I needed the answers. Rich still kept saying that he didn’t know why he had done it; he didn’t know why he had made a fool of me. How could you not fucking know? How could you do something that was so bad, so cruel and then say that you do not know why you had done it? My rage built and built with every ‘I don’t know’ how dare he do this to me! How dare he hurt me so badly with someone so ugly! But it was when Rich  said he was sorry that he didn’t know why he didn’t know that  I punched him, and then I punched him again with a right hook, and then I just punched and punched and punched him; he let me. I was sobbing uncontrollably when eventually Rich got hold of my hands and said ‘I have to stop you, or I am going to go down’. I stopped, I just felt exhausted with it all, exhausted with the whole sorry drama, exhausted with trying to rescue something that I didn’t even know if I wanted.

I just wanted to go home, and although I told Rich to ‘fuck off and leave me.’ he wouldn’t; so  we made our way out of the cute little smugglers alley and hailed a taxi, and by the time we got home Rich had two black eyes.

It wasn’t getting any better.

Just say just say that you forgive me

And make it better

Just say just say that you’ll stay near me

And make it alright make it alright

Just say just say that life without me

Will be impossible

Just say just say you’ll never doubt me

And make it alright make it alright

Just Say Just Say – Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye

Written by Asford and Simpson


Gaining a sense of identity

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After the disastrous meeting with Rich and the counsellor  I knew that I could no longer be vulnerable or allow myself to feel vulnerable. It was clear that Rich thought that I only wanted him for his money, well he could shove his money up his arse I would get my own.

I knew that I had to find my identity now, because, in all honesty, it had been lost for so long. I had worked part-time because Rich wanted me to, I had put on so much weight because I thought that I was safe in the love Rich had for me, after all he had got fat too!  I had gone along with Rich and believed that he wanted to take care of me when in fact he saw it as a millstone around his neck, and blamed me for it.

I had, quite simply,  lost myself and I made a promise to myself that I would never do that again.

By now I had lost so much weight, and even though Rich had come back I still could not eat much, I only had to think of something and the food turned to cardboard in my mouth; I would, literally, have to spit it out. So I continued to lose weight and  made a point of getting on that stepper every fucking day, sometimes twice a day. It wasn’t only about losing weight I was toning up every time I got on it and I knew that I was starting to look good. The more I looked good, the more insecure Rich got. If he thought he would not keep me when I was fat, he was never going to think he could keep me now!

It was also so important to me that I had my own income, that I was self-sufficient and no longer reliant on Rich. I could never allow myself to be in that dependent position again, I could never lose myself in someone else again. Work had already offered me extra hours and I continued to increase my hours where I could. It was difficult because every day, every moment was so hard, all that was in my head was what Rich had done to me, the way he had been with me. But in some ways I used that as a driving force, I was never, ever, going to feel beholden to Rich for money again. I knew that the more I earnt the less of a hold Rich would feel he had in keeping me, so I kept going to work!

We kept our separate bank accounts, and Rich would give me money every month for the bills because they had all been set up from my account. He wanted to pay for all the shopping but I was not prepared to give him anything that he could ever throw in my face again so I insisted that we went half.

But what was the point of it all? I wasn’t happy in this type of a relationship, I wanted a relationship like the one I had before with Rich. Where we shared everything, where we supported each other, and we hadn’t got that now.

No matter how hard I tried I could not see things getting any better for Rich and I; still felt the same as I had felt that day in the pub when I had a conversation with my reflection; and the thought of always feeling like this, for the rest of my life, was starting to drive me insane. Again I thought “I don’t know if I can do this.”


Are we really happy here
With this lonely game we play
Looking for words to say
Searching but not finding
Understanding anywhere
We’re lost in a masquerade

Both afraid to say we’re just too far away
From being close together from the start
We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way
We’re lost inside this lonely game we play

‘This Masquerade’ Performed by George Benson Written by Leon Russell

Counselling – It is he who should be sorry not me!

Sea and sky

The day after Rich got back I called the counsellor to tell her and ask if I could my next appointment so that we could  attend the counselling sessions together. But the Counsellor said that she couldn’t see us both together until she had seen Rich on his own first. I couldn’t believe it! Why? What right did Rich have to anything? Surely this was about me, about what Rich had done to me, and how he could make it right. What a fucking cheek that he was being given any help when he deserved everything that he got!

But the counsellor was insistent so I reluctantly booked Rich in to see her the following week. Neither of us were back at work so I booked Rich in for an afternoon session.

When Rich went to the session I was on tenterhooks all the time Rich was gone. What would he say to her about me? Would he slag me off and laugh about me as he had done in the past? Was he going to talk about ‘her’ and how much he still loved ‘her’? After all he wouldn’t say a word against ‘her’, despite the fact that ‘she’ had now started to call his work trying to contact him.

When Rich got back I immediately asked him what they had talked about; Rich said that the Counselor had told him that he was not allowed to tell me what had been discussed, or anything that he had said; that were  things that he didn’t want to tell me or feel comfortable telling me. What the Fuck! Here I was, I had been lied to for months, I had been made a fool of, Rich had sided with someone else against me, he had talked about me and laughed at me with someone else, and now he was telling me that there were things that he still did not want to tell me. So what the fuck had he come back for? What was the point of it all if there were still going to be secrets between us, more lying, more covering up? Why, if Rich wanted me back could he tell the counsellor and not tell me?

At that moment in time I realised that I needed to seriously consider my position and whether I really wanted to be here; I started to realise that what we had was goneand  it wasn’t coming back. In fact I did not know if Rich was worth swallowing my pride for any more, I already felt as if I was choking! It pissed me off that instead of being really honest Rich had now gone to MY counsellor and talked about me behind my back again.  I was starting to really dislike this man that had come back and questioned whether I was making a massive fucking mistake, and wasn’t it just going to be easier to walk away?

I think that Rich could see the thoughts going through my head and knew that I was on the verge of getting out of the hellhole he had dragged me into; so he said that one of the things that they discussed was that he did not want a joint bank account anymore; that he thought that I only wanted him for the money that he brought into the house. I was shocked, because I thought that we would just be what we were, and more and more it was becoming clear that we would never be that again, in fact, it made me question if we were ever what I thought we were in the first place.

What could I say? I had to agree, he had set up his own bank acccount by now and it was clear that he no longer wanted to share one with me. I was so hurt that he had thought that I only wanted him for the money that he was brining into the house, when I had loved him so much; he seemed to forget all the times I had worked hard and done overtime; he seemed to forget that it was he that wanted me to work part-time. I wondered if he understood me at all.

The following week when we went to the counsellor together  I felt alienated because  Rich and the counsellor had a secret that I did not know aboumt and that they did not want to share it with me; pretty much like the last year really!! I didn’t feel that I could trust the counsellor because I felt as if she was on Rich’s side;  I just started to cry.

The counsellor asked Rich to tell me what he had told her, the things he was frightened to say to me. I could not understand why Rich was frightened of me! Why Rich got to tell me about what was upsetting him, what about all the pain he had put me through? What about my pain?!

So Rich proceeded to tell me how he thought that I was only with him for the money that he brought in every month, the money to pay the mortgage and pay for renovations, that I only wanted the house and not him. He brought up the fact that I only worked twenty hours a week and that I did not want to work more hours than that, and about how this put so much pressure on him. He said that he felt  that I did not listen when it came to the house.

I felt like ‘this Rich’ who had come back had never really liked me in the first place. Here he was saying all the things that had made him want to leave and I just felt ganged up on and alone. I remembered when Rich had told me that he had been falling out of love with me since the previous year, and now he was sitting here saying all these things. I didn’t understand because Rich was the one who had always told me that he wanted to take care of me, Rich was the one who moaned if I worked extra hours at work, why did he do all of that he if thought that I should work more hours, bring more money into the house?

But it was when Rich then told me that he felt guilt towards ‘her’ for leaving ‘her’, abandoning ‘her’ in the rented property; and that he was upset that he had let ‘her’ down, that my world started to reel. Rich had just sat there and slagged me off, he hadn’t given a fucking shit about me or Tom and now he was telling me that he felt sorry for ‘her’!

Rich went on to try and explain that he felt as if, because of his actions,  he had destroyed two people’s lives nowand that it was all his fault. Finally something that was his fucking fault, I am surprised that he didn’t try and blame that on me as well! I was literally gob smacked!! How could he have feelings for her equal to the ones that he supposedly had for me? How could he not see just what a manipulative cow ‘she’ had been? Checking his phone all the time, deleting texts I had sent, lying to Rich and telling him that I had told ‘her’ I had an affair just to turn Rich against me? But no! Rich telling me all of the things that he did not like about me, that had made him leave, but not seeing anything wrong in ‘her’.

I thought that when he came back Rich would just be so sorry, just want to make things up to me, as he always had done in the past, but it seemed as if this was not the case; that he thought that it had all been my fault!

By the time I left the counsellors office I was crying so much I could not drive so we just sat in the car,  Rich in a terrified silence, whilst I just sat and sobbed.

I couldn’t do it,  I could not have him back! So I turned to Rich and told him I couldn’t do it, and gave him  back my wedding and engagement ring. I meant it, I was worth more than this.

For the first time since Rich had come back he  started to sob, big, heart wrenching, struggling for  breath sobs. He was holding onto my rings so tightly they cut into his hand.  As I sat and watched him I knew he was in pain, and yes, I felt glad that he was finally showing the pain that I had been feeling for the past seven weeks. Cry me a fucking river!

But as I looked at him, a crying a wreck in front of me, I knew that I could not break up with him; although I still felt such anger, I still loved him and I knew I had to try, I knew that if we were going to survive it would be me that took us through.

I drove us up to the Downs where you could see the sea stretching out into infinity; it was quiet, and we just sat in the car in a stunned silence. There is something about looking out to see, the infinity of sea and sky that enables you to understand that  you are just a blot on this world, a tiny little pinprick, and all the things that you think are important don’t mean anything at all compared to that vast expanse in front of you

It made me realise that we should try an overcome our problems, because you only get one life and I had to give it my best so that if I walked away in the future I would know that I did all that I could.

So I asked Rich to just talk to me, that I would listen and would not interupt.  Rich asked me not to leave, to wear my rings, he just kept saying how sorry he was. I said how I just felt as if I did not know him that I did not know if I even liked him anymore. But I told him that for what we had in the past I knew that I had to try, and that was all I could do, try.

Over the coming months the ‘Down’s would become somewhere that would become a sanctuary for us both, together and separately. It helped to ground me when I looked out at that expanse of ocean and sky, it helped me to bring my thoughts under control.

That night Rich went to work  for the first time in weeks, and the next day as he lay in bed my head went into overdrive; I had not realised at this time that  the thing it  was a  ‘demon’ in my head that was whispering to me and that this was just the start of a long, long conversation  that would go on for years to come. It was telling me not to stay, telling me I was better than this, telling me I would be so happy if I just let Rich go. I was in turmoil, going over and over what Rich had said, that he clearly still had some feelings for ‘her’ and I was struggling. I have to admit that at that moment in time the main thing that kept me there was that I was not going to let ‘her’ win.

I called the counsellor to make another appointment to attend a session on my own, and she had said that in actual fact she was just about to call me. She explained that she felt that she needed to see me on my own because she did not think that the previous session had been good for me and that she had not fully understood what a strong personality I had! So I went to see her that afternoon; I did not leave a note for Rich to tell him where I was, I hadn’t known where he was for three fucking weeks so now he could sweat for an afternooon. If he thought that I was always going to leave him before then that would be nothing to what he would feel now!

It was the start of the turmoil I would find myself in for nearly a year to come where one minute I was so, so angry with him I would want to punch him the face and  the next I could be calm and rational; understanding that I was the key that was going to keep us together. But I was insane so I would do things like let him think I had left him, leave him to worry and wonder where I was. It was revenge, pure and simple.

At the session with the counsellorshe advised me to  consider if staying with Rich was going to be the right decision for me, because she thought that I was going to move on without him; she explained that I clearly had such a strong personality that she was unsure if I would be able to stay. But this triggered something in me and   I came away realising that pride was my deadly sin, and I was fucked if I was going to let it beat me!!

You told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused with some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it’s your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river – Justin Tiberlake
Songwriters: Scott Storch / Timothy Mosley / Justin Timberlake


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