Day 2 – (Wednesday) Hostilities begin

Image result for bin bags

April 11th 2007

After the missed call I had lain awake the rest of the night; I could not sleep, every time I closed my eyes I could see Rich and ‘Her’ kissing, caressing each other, having sex; and it jolted me awake as if someone had slapped me. So at seven in the morning I decided to go home. I woke my sister, who immediately got up to make me tea. My poor sister she was so tired after listening to me the night before, ranting like a mad woman; and here I was early hours of the morning ranting again.  I had no concept of time or consideration for others, I was heartbroken and that was consuming me by the minute.

I had to go home, I had to face it: the garden, the house all left exactly as it had been from two nights ago; with the blackened food on the BBQ, the serviettes and paper plates fluttering away in the spring breeze, scattered all over the garden. But worse than that I was going back to an empty house, a house that Rich was never going to be in with me again, and I was terrified of facing that reality. But face it I must. I left my sister with tears in her eyes, because she did not know what she could do for me to make it better; because there was nothing she could do. As I left she told me I was worth more than Rich, and I knew at that time that I had to believe that to survive.

As I drove home I started to get angry, really angry at how they had made such a  fool of me for so long, at how I had fucking let them; so by the time I arrived at the house I knew that I had to remove all remnants of Rich from it, I couldn’t bear to look at the photos and the memories, everywhere I turned there was something to remind me of him.

As I pulled into the kerb outside the house I just sat in the car with that awful feeling of dread about going into the house, our beautiful, loved house that was now so sad and empty.

I called Rich’s sister to see if she had been able to talk any sense into him, in the hope that she would be able to tell me that she had, and that Rich was coming home. But when his sister answered the phone she was very cool, in fact quite off; saying that she didn’t want to talk to me, because, after all, Rich was her brother, and her loyalties should be with him. And that’s it! just like that she doesn’t want to know me anymore!

I just didn’t understand any of it, how it could all change so quickly, or why his sister seemed to think Rich was doing the right thing. I could not understand why none of Rich’s family had tried to make contact with me, to see if I , or more importantly Tom, was alright. I had been with Rich for nine years and now none of them seemed to give a shit that he had left or about what he had done. It was at that point I started to wonder if I had been living a lie for the last nine years. None of it made any sense and I just didn’t understand what is going on.

My lovely neighbours Jess and Matt come out to me because they can see me crying in the car and they know that I am being watched. Jess put her arms around me and hugged me and I start to cry, saying that I am terrified of going into the house, the empty house that only days before had been full of laughter and happiness. Jess tells me she will come with me and as we go in I explain that I have to get every single item of Rich out of our house. I had been living a lie, it had all been crap, that I cannot bear to look at the memories, cannot bear to look at what were obviously lies.

There is one particular photo of Rich and Tom with Tom with his arms around Rich looking over his shoulders. We were so happy then, on holiday in Menorca, having a wonderful time.  I just cannot understand where that loving, kind, gentle man has gone. I cannot bear to look at that photo ever again.

I never did it got lost in aftermath of War.

So everything went; photos, jewellery, a tiny small silver heart Rich had bought me to hang from my silver bangle. The glass heart that he had bought me,  he had told me when he gave it to me to take care of it because it was fragile because it held his love for me, he asked me not to break it, and as I dropped into the black bin liner I really hoped that it smashed to fucking smithereens! I did not care  because it was all crap; it had to be, because otherwise he would not have done this to me.

Everything went into black bin liners Rich’s pants, all his clothes, in fact every single thing that reminded me of our life together went into the bags and over to our neighbours  house across the road,  just thrown onto her driveway. She had agreed to have it in her garden because she could see how distessed I was. I even took Rich’s bike over and dumped it on the drive unceremoniously. The bike that he had bought with his pay increase to celebrate one of his promotions, one of the many promotions that I had helped him achieve!

Luckily my friend Della’s husband put it in the garage after I had left, before it was stolen. Little did I know that I would need later.

After we had finished Jess commented that when you walked into the house it was as if Rich had never existed. I didn’t care, I didn’t care what would be lost; we were lost.

My friend, my beautiful friend, Toni, arrived after driving the four hundred miles from Cornwall since early morning. She had brought with her a cheque for me to put in my bank to help me ‘until things got sorted out’. It is a gesture that will remain with me for the rest of my life, that sometimes people just do things because they’re kind, and not for any other reason.This gave me leverage, it helped my frenetic mind, it was a life saver at that time; and I felt good knowing that I had left Rich and ‘Her’ without a penny to their name.

Tom decided to go to his girlfriend’s house in Essex. I understood, he could not bear to see his mum, who was always so strong, the person who had always kept it all together, even in the years when she was a single parent, in such a mess. It was frightening for him, and he kept asking me if I was going to be alright, that we were going to be alright.

Looking at me and the way that I was I can understand why he thought that things might all go wrong My friend ~Sherrie  from work arrived that evening and I could see she was shocked to see me as I was:  A mad woman, going from intermittently swearing and calling Rich all the bastards (or worse) under the sun, to sobbing uncontrollably.

I had still not gone into the garden, I could literally not go out there, I was afraid of the memories it held with the remnants of the BBQ all around me, taunting me of that day: the day that I realised what a fucking fool they had made of me. There was stuff that belonged to ‘them’ everywhere, a heater, some chairs, plates, my friends just took it and dumped it into ‘their’ garden. Everything else just got thrown away, including china plates, Rich’s beloved BBQ tools, everything. I just didn’t care. I wanted it gone, along with the memories.

When I told my friends that ‘Her’ partner had been to see me and had told me that he had put a tracker on their phone they told me to distance myself from him, to not listen to what he was saying to me because it would not do me any good.

I weighed myself, I had lost six pounds in two days.

Always a silver lining. …..

(Oops) there goes the dreams we used to say

(Oops) there goes the time we spent away

(Oops) there goes the love I had But you cheated on me and that’s for that now

(Oops) there goes the house we’ve made a home

(Oops) there goes “you’ll never leave me alone”

(Oops) for all the lies you told This is what you’re owed

All of the dreams you sold

Left me out in the cold

What happened to the days when we used to trust each other

And all of the things I sold

Will take you until you get old T

o get em back without me

‘Hit em up style’ Performed by Blue Cantrell Songwriters: Dallas Austin


Day one – (Tuesday) War is declared…

Image result for overturned chairs and tables

Tuesday 10th April 2007

I couldn’t believe Rich didn’t come back; Den came back to the house without him and told me how he had tried to persuade Rich to come back but said that Rich was too afraid to face me;  then ‘She’ had walked past them and Rich had followed ‘Her’.

I couldn’t believe that Rich had not come back to comfort me,  I went down to the seafront to see if I could see him. I did not believe for one minute that Rich would have gone with ‘Her’ and had convinced myself that he would have been so distraught, because he loved me so much, that he might have tried to commit suicide because he thought he had lost me. I really thought that he had thrown himself in the sea because he was so upset!

I must have looked like a mad woman, walking up and down the seafront calling for Rich. I just didn’t believe he would throw it all away. I came back to the house in the hope that he would be there, but he wasn’t so I called his mobile a hundred times, but it just went to voicemail; I left messages in them I begged him to come home, told him we could work it out; but he never answered and he never called me back.

By five in the morning I was so afraid that he had done something stupid, I called the police. When they arrived I could see the pity in their eyes, here was this overweight woman, with a bloated tear stained face whose husband had clearly been playing away behind her back. They looked at me with sadness (they must have seen it so many times before)  and said that there was nothing they could do; Rich had chosen to leave and that they did not think he was missing.

I’ll never forget the look in their eyes, even now I can see them standing there, two young men who look so sad that they cannot help me; because they are seeing something that they must see over and over again, people destroying each others lives.

I didn’t sleep all night. I looked out at the debris from the BBQ, sausages and burgers burnt to a crisp, paper napkins strewn across the garden, plates and serviettes piled high; I could not bring myself to go out there, to go into my own garden.

I was going mad with not knowing where Rich was, not knowing if he was with ‘Her’, not understanding how my life had gone from holding hands with my husband yesterday morning  to him being with someone else today.

I needed to make sense of it but didn’t know who I could turn to, the people that Rich and I relied on, since moving to the coast four years before, had been each other; and now he wasn’t here!

I went across to a friend Della’s house, and just broke down in tears for me. She hugged me and said that she would go out in her car and look for Rich; she could not believe that Rich had done what he had done, did not believe that he would go off with ‘Her’.  She said ’She’ was no comparison to me and surely Rich knew that!

Della drove all around the town but could not find him. I could see that she just did not know what to do to help me; she just stood in front of me not knowing what to say; the pain that I felt at that time was so palpable that others could actually feel it.

I went back to my house in turmoil, I had no idea what to say to Tom who seemed to be swinging between anger and denial at what Rich had done. So I did the only thing I could do and I started to load the dishwasher; it was a simple, normal thing to do in the world of madness I had now been thrown into.

At ten o clock Rich called me from ‘Her’ mobile. He said that did not have his mobile with him, that it had been on silent which is why I hadn’t heard it ringing; and I realised that I had not heard his phone for weeks now, it had clearly been on silent for weeks, if not months now to ensure that I did not know when she had been texting him.

I could not believe that he was with ‘Her’, I asked him what he was doing, was he with her (a stupid question when he had called from her phone, but I just didn’t want to believe it.) He said that he was with her and coming to pick up his stuff. My heart came into my mouth, I could feel it beating so hard that I thought it would burst; I felt physically sick.  I couldn’t believe what he was saying, why was he coming to pick up his stuff? I asked him what did he mean and Rich said that he was leaving with ‘Her’.

I started to cry, and Rich  hung up on me, he did not want to discuss it. I hated that they were both together, laughing about me, the stupid fat lump who could not see what was in front of her eyes. I hated them for it, but most of all I hated myself for it, for what I had allowed myself to become, someone so caught up in love that they could not see how vulnerable they had become.

When Rich came to the house he knocked on the door, he did not use his key. When I opened the door he would not look at me and he was cold towards me, I didn’t recognise this man, he was not the kind and loving  man that I had just spent the last nine years of my life with.

I was crying as  I begged and pleaded with him to stay, but he would not listen, he started to cry and said that because of what he had done he knew that I would do it back to him, that I had told him that at the Halloween party ( The Background story – Making a new life and there are clouds on the horizon…) and that he would not be able to bear me being with someone else, that he was so afraid of that. Oh the irony!! I just looked at him in disbelief, he was telling me that he was going to leave because he could not bear the thought of me doing to him what he had done to me!!

I was so fucking angry that I just flew at him, and punched the shit out of him, I just kept punching and punching, and Rich let me.

I rang Rich’s  mum and she asked him to think about what he was doing, he was crying but just kept saying that he had to leave, that he couldn’t stay.

He went upstairs and I heard him moving about packing some things. When he came down the stairs he told me that he was meeting ‘Her’ in the park and leaving with ‘Her’. I asked him why and he said because  it was best to go with her than stay with me waiting for me to get my revenge.

I heard myself begging, promising that I wouldn’t make him pay, promising him anything; and then I suddenly heard myself, begging, and I stopped. I wasn’t going to do this; I was worth more than this, I was not going to beg. I was pleased that I he had the start of a black eye, good he could look ugly when he met ‘Her’.

Rich was sitting in the chair, crying; Snowy the dog jumped on his lap, as if to say ‘please stay, please don’t do this’ but he pushed him off, and made his way to the door. He looked at me and I said “just go; I am not begging you to stay”, and I walked away from him and went upstairs.

I really thought at that point Rich would stay, that he would come after me and say it was all a terrible mistake; So I couldn’t believe it when I heard the door close and his car start up, heard his car pull away.What the fuck had happened?! How did we go from being so happy to this? How could it be the end; the end of something so beautiful?

I stood there in shock, and something within me told me to get it together, I had to survive for me and for Tom. It was as if a fire had been lit and little did I know then, but I was getting back the person that I used to be before my mum died, and that the fire inside me would never be put out again.

I called my friend Toni in Cornwall, she had always been there for me when I needed her; she couldn’t believe it, said that it couldn’t be happening and that she would come straight away, drive through the night if she had to and be with me the next day.

Tom rang my sister, who I had not spoken to for six years, and she was immediately there for me, told me to go to her in Essex, but I knew that there was something I had to do first:I had a shower and washed my hair! Made sure I looked my best …. for me.

I checked our bank account on line and could see that Rich had already drawn out his daily limit of two hundred pounds; I was so angry, I knew then that he didn’t give a shit about us, and now he was taking our money! And I knew for Tom and I to survive I needed to fight back  and the only way we would do that was for me to stay strong and to move fast.

I went to the bank and opened my own bank account, I then went home and transferred all our savings that we had saved for our holiday from our savings account into it.  We had  our joint current account and I transferred all of the money from that into it as well. Rich had only been paid the Friday before and virtually all of his salary was in the joint account that we had together, so I knew that they were well and truly fucked because Rich had no control over my account in just my name that I had opened.

I then called the bank’s general line and told them that we had split up and could they freeze the joint account.  Tom and I needed money to survive and it wasn’t going to happen on a part time secretary’s salary! And that was it done! I had left Rich or ‘Her’  without any money.

How I kept it together whilst I sat in that bank I don’t know. I never let it show that anything was wrong, or that I was upset in any way, I knew what I had to do, and that kept me going.

Whilst I was in town I realised that I could not wear my wedding or engagement ring anymore, so I bought myself a commitment ring, a huge cubic zirconia, a commitment to Tom and I, because this was all I had now. All the time my eyes were brimming with tears.

I also called Rich’s car insurance and told them that he didn’t live at our address anymore; they said that it made his insurance null and void if they did not have an address for him, and that it would be cancelled straight away. I hoped that they had a fucking  accident! The lady on the phone must have had something similar happen to her because she said ‘let’s cancel the insurance, let’s make him pay!’

My friend from work, Sherri, called and said that all of the girls in the office were worried about me, what could she do? I was just crying and talking gibberish and she said  that she would come to my house that evening. I asked if she could come the next day as my sister had told me to go to her for the night.

I went upstairs to our bedroom, and looked at the bed; I felt as if I was in a nightmare that I was going to wake up from if I tried hard enough, but I couldn’t make it happen because what was happening to me was real. I went out onto the balcony and looked down at the empty space where Rich’s car had been parked and reality hit me like a wave, he was gone, he wasn’t coming back.

I changed the bedding, I could not bear to lie in a bed where Rich had lay with me, all the time making a fool of me. Only this time the tears brimmed over and I could not stop them I sobbed, and sobbed, great big howling sobs, I was gulping for air because I could not stop crying for long enough to be able to take a breath.

‘Her’ partner, came over, said that ‘He’ had put a trace on their phones and ‘He’ knew that they had been to the shopping outlet nearby and been shopping, that they were somewhere in a nearbye seaside town.

When her partner  left I just sat there in a state of shock; shopping was one of ‘Her’ favourite pastimes, ‘She’ loved the shopping centre near to us, went there at least twice a week; and now ‘She’ was there with my husband. My husband was shopping with another woman, how could that be?

Tom went to his friend’s house, I don’t think that he could bear to be in the house, it felt so sad, in fact there was just a stunned silence in the air.

I could feel the strength throbbing through my veins, actually hear it pounding in my ears.  I knew that I had to survive, so I got into my car and drove to Essex to be with my sister, and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed whilst I drove the car down the motorway. I didn’t care who saw me; as I sat in the queue for the Dartford crossing I knew that people were staring at me, let them stare, my fucking heart was broken.

When I got to my sisters the first thing she did was hug me, even though I had not seen her for six years; whilst I just sobbed in her arms.

Rich’s sister called my mobile;  she was crying and saying that she could not believe Rich had done this, saying that she would call me the next day, come down to see me to make sure that I was alright. I was grateful that she had called, I hoped that if Rich saw how upset she was it  might make him see sense.

My sister asked me to go through what had happened, tell her about our life over the last six years. She said that she was surprised that Rich had left me, because she always thought that it would be me who left Rich.

But when I explained to her that I worked part-time whilst Rich worked every hour he could; that in the past two months he had worked for eighteen days without a break, all different shifts, sometimes finishing work at six in the morning, coming home and going to bed, and then going back to work at ten at night, she looked at me and said “Who are you? Princess Fucking Tippy Toes?! You need to get off your arse and go back to work full-time! No wonder ‘She’ was able to use things against you!!” And  I knew at that moment that she was right.

My sister and her partner gave me some wine, and some “paracetamol” for the headache that was competing with the pounding in my heart; it felt as if they were trying  to see which one of them could cause me the most pain. I knew it had been caused by the floods of tears that I had cried since the night before, and took it gratefully. But in fact it wasn’t paracetamol my sister had given me something to knock me out and help me sleep.  I had not slept in nearly forty eight hours; and my sister knew that I was going to need all my strength to get through this.

I woke up at one o clock in the morning; I could hear my mobile phone bleeping, alerting me that there had been a missed call and when I checked it  was from an unknown number. I knew it had to be Rich because I could not forget the look on his face when he knew I had found out. I knew that despite the way he was behaving he was heartbroken; I can honestly say that I could feel his pain. But I could not face calling his mobile  only for him to ignore it, because, although I knew in my heart of hearts it was him that had called I could not face that humiliation again. I told myself that I wanted to believe it was Rich, but to face reality, he had left me, made it clear that he did not love me, so just let it go.

“………People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfil my needs

A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity…………”

The greatest love of all – George Benson

Written by Linda Creed, Michael Masser



The first shot is fired….

The Story – The build up to The War….

The first shot is fired 

April 2007 – 

It was Easter Monday and an unusually hot day for the time of year so we decided to have a BBQ, invite’ Them’ over, with our other friends Mary and Den.

As usual lots of drink was consumed, music was playing, and ‘Her’ partner waited until I was sitting alone in the snug when he came up to me.

“You know that they have been texting each other don’t you? “He said.  Just like that, like a bolt out of the blue; “That there is something going on behind our backs.”

I looked at him, “That’s not true” I said, “Rich loves me too much to put our relationship at risk.” And then he told me, how they had been messaging each other for some time, that Rich knew that he knew, how they had all known and that ‘She’ and Rich had been making a fool of me.

Through the open doorway I could see Rich looking at us, oblivious to what was going on around him, with everyone dancing and singing, his sole focus was on me and what I was being told. The look on his face was ‘That’s it! I’ve lost her! She knows!’ It was a look of pure pain, and I knew from the look on Rich’s face that what I was being told was true. I couldn’t believe it, I wanted him to come in and tell me I was being told lies; but I knew that even if Rich had I would not believe him. I knew, at that moment, that I had denied what was happening, I had lied to myself, I felt like a stupid bitch for fooling myself.

After that all hell broke loose; I was so drunk and went into the kitchen and screamed at Rich, screamed at ‘Her’ and told ‘Her’ partner to get out.

I stumbled up to the balcony, the beautiful balcony that had made me fall in love with our house, our forever home. I could not believe that my life was crumbling around me; it felt as if everything was in slow motion, as if I was wading through treacle, everything was swirling around me and I prayed to God that this was a dream, and that any moment now I would wake up.

I thought that Rich would come up to me, but ‘She’ came up instead to say that I had to understand that they were just ‘friends’, that they supported each other that they had just been talking to each other and how I must accept that.

I told her to get off the balcony and leave me alone and that if ‘She’ didn’t I was going to push ‘Her’ off the fucking balcony; and I swear to God, I would have!

Downstairs the music had been turned off and there was a stunned silence. I could hear my friend, Mary, ask Rich if it was true and I could hear Rich crying.

I couldn’t bear it, I could hear the blood rushing in my ears and I just felt as if I was in a dream and I had to get out of the house.

So I ran down the stairs and out of the door, it was my dear friend Mary who ran after me, not Rich.  I was sobbing uncontrollably. We walked to the end of the road with me babbling about how it could not be true.

When Rich came down the road with Den, Mary’s husband,  he too was sobbing, and I knew from his reaction that it was true.

I just screamed at him, said how I couldn’t believe he had done this, ruined everything we had, everything we had worked so hard for; and I ran back to the house. I thought that Rich would come after me, tell me that it would all be alright, and say how sorry he was.

But he didn’t come back…


Honestly, what will become of me?
Don’t like reality
It’s way too clear to me
But, really, life is dandy
We are what we don’t see
We miss everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

‘All good things come to an end.’ Written by Nelly Furtado, Chris Martin, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley. Performed by Nelly Furtado


You will turn up won’t you?

We’ve only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we’re on our way
We’ve only begun

Before the rising sun we fly
So many roads to choose
We start out walking and learn to run
And yes, we’ve just begun

Written by Roger S Nicholls and Paul H Williams. Performed by The Carpenters

August 1999

I remember now that on the night before the wedding as Rich was leaving he turned to me and said “You will turn up won’t you?” I laughed at him then; I loved him so much why would I not turn up?

When I walked towards him at the registry office he would not look at me, he was so nervous. “Do you want to marry Moira?” said the registrar. He laughed and said “Yes”. “Then hold her hand” said the registrar and everyone laughed; but I remember now how nervous Rich was, and I did not realise how much he thought that he was lucky to have me.

I was so happy, here was a kind wonderful man who worshipped me and Tom, loved the family life that he had found, after years of being single and going out with his friends searching for something because he knew that he wanted something more meaningful.  I treasured a picture of us both that someone had taken at our wedding without us knowing, it was so natural with Rich with his arm around my shoulders as he chatted to someone; both of us  looking so happy.

Little did I know that the picture would be one of the many casualties of The War.

Keep reading there’s more to come…


The Journey Begins – I never thought I’d do this!


Thanks for joining me!

So I have been writing a book for nearly three years now. But I started a journal to keep me sane many moons ago – eleven years to be precise. Having researched and got to know many people via their blogs who are in the same position that I found myself then – or rather we found ourselves –  I thought I would share my story with you. At the beginning it was ‘My’ story, and then as time moved on it became ‘Our’ story.

When my husband Rich, left me for someone else, and was gone for three weeks I was driven insane. But despite this I never, never, let it beat me. Everyone in this sad story had underestimated me, including me!

When my husband came back I never thought I would do it. I searched for other’s stories at the time and could not find anyone that showed the true madness that I felt, showed me that what I was feeling was ‘normal’ and that I would survive but I couldn’t find any perhaps at that time  they just found it too painful to write about. So I kept a journal, and this journal kept me sane, and kept us together. We live in France now, we are happy, and we are stronger; you can read about our adventures on my other blog

So this is our story – it is my journal entries, I have kept them as I wrote them then and followed them up with reflections of what I think now, with the benefit of eleven years hindsight behind me.

You will see that I’m no chump, and that you can survive the ‘Ocean of Despair’ trust me I did!

I hope it helps someone.


Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton