Day Seven (Monday) The Battle of Wits

blue sky and sea

I was still having babysitters with me every day so that I was not on my own. My sister and my brother in law had spent the Sunday with me and on the Monday my friend Nel arrived with her little girl to spend the day.  Whilst everyone knew how important it was not to leave me alone I could see that for some found it difficult to be with me and see the state that I was in. Nel especially was finding it difficult because she knew that she could no ttake my pain away. Nothing could.

I was having a washing machine, the one that I had bought on the Friday before the D.Day BBQ delivered. It just seemed so weird that when I had bought that machine my husband still lived with me and now he wasn’t here. I was here, being babysat by people who loved me,  because they were worried for me, worried  because of the damage that had been done by  my husband; the one person that I thought would never let me down.

As the delivery men carried the machine in I could see the look on their faces, which seemed to veer from sympathetic (as if they knew that my husband had left me) to terrified in case they were tarred with the ‘all men are bastards’ brush!  They could obviously see that something had happened to me, probably because my face was permanently swollen and tear stained as I just could not stop crying. As if  to show how sorry they were they offered to install the machine for me, even though I had not paid for that service.

Another act of kindness out of so many.

In the last few days I had contacted our old mortgage arranger Grant, he really was a lovely man and had always had a soft spot for me. As soon as he answered the phone I started to cry and I told  him my predicament; about the conversation that Rich and I had about the house, and how Rich did not think that I would be able to buy him out; of how it was clear that  ‘She’ had thought that she was going to take the house out from under me.  Grant was shocked and could not believe that Rich had left me; saying how he always thought that I would be the one to leave Rich. For the second time someone was telling me that they thought that I had been too good for Rich and that he would never keep me.

Grant said that he would look into what mortgages he could get for me and would come back to me; he confirmed  that he would make sure that I would be able to buy the house and that I would be able to prove Rich wrong.

That morning I had searched the internet and found that I could have a telephone consultation with a solicitor for thirty five pounds. I needed to know what I could get and how much I could screw Rich and ‘Her’ over. I needed to find out the facts regarding any kind of maintenance I could receive and whether Rich could make me sell the house.

The solicitor advised that Rich  couldn’t make me sell the house because Tom was under eighteen; and that because Rich was the main earner in the household and I only worked part time in order to support him in his career, I was entitled to spousal maintenance whilst my son was still under eighteen. In addition I could take half of Rich’s pension as well. I then knew that I had all of the information that I needed to fuck up ‘Her’ plans to take everything from me; in fact I now had everything I needed to fuck them both up completely.

As if in complete contrast to the hell that was my life it  was a lovely sunny day and Nel persuaded me to go to the beach, something I was  afraid to do because it bought back so many memories of Rich and I  lying there together all day; and of the time when Rich had  said to me that he would be lost without me, that I was ‘his life.’

How could I go to the beach now? Knowing it was all crap? Everything was fucking crap!

But I knew that I had to face it sometime so I went. I could see the irony as I sat on that  beach, with the wind blowing my through my hair, the sun beating down on me, and the infinity of the sea in front of me; everything was so beautiful and my life was shit!  I felt numb; this was someone else’s world, it wasn’t mine. I did not know where I belonged anymore.

As I sat there I  received a call from Grant to say  that a mortgage had been lined up and that I was going to be able to buy Rich out of the house;   so  I called my sister from the beach and asked her to call Rich and tell him I was in a position to buy him out of the house. I told her to tell him that I would pay five thousand pounds only and that if he did not agree to it I would take him to court to gain spousal maintenance and access to his pension. I was getting to that point that I did not want to speak to Rich anymore. I just wanted to move forward. To be honest I was exhausted, I had not been eating, or sleeping, but exercising like a maniac and it was finally dulling my brain to the pain, and making me feel as if I didn’t give a shit anymore.

Despite my  phone always being permanently attached to my hand when I got back to the house I had a missed call from Rich, and also a text. How I did not know he had called? I had my phone with me all of the time! It was as if someone, or something greater than any of us did not want me to speak to him.

The text from Rich said “I am worried about you; what are you going to do about the bills?”  I didn’t answer.

My sister called and said that she had spoken to Rich and that he had seemed really shocked that I was in a position to buy him out; shocked that I was considering it. She said that he sounded lost, and really upset.

Fucking upset! What right did he have to be upset? None!

That woke my brain back up, I felt so angry that he had the audacity to feel, or sound hurt. After he had laughed at me when he was with ‘Her’, laughed with ‘Her’ about me, it spurred the fighter in me and I called Rich, only this time he answered the phone.  He sounded as if he had been crying. I asked him if he “was enjoying his new life?” and he said that he was. I pointed out that he did not sound as if he was. I told Rich that I had spoken to a solicitor and with that Rich asked me if I was going to divorce him, because he did not want me to. I told him that I had no plans to divorce him at this time. I just needed to sort out our finances and the house. With that Rich said that he was sorry for what he had done, sorry for hurting me, that he had never meant to hurt me.

So why didn’t he come back? Why didn’t he want me to divorce him? Nothing made any sense.

I could feel the anger towards him bursting like bubbles in my chest, my heart was pounding to such a degree I could hear it in my ears, feel the blood rushing through my veins. I was angry with him for sounding upset, angry with him for saying that he was enjoying his new life, angry with him for contacting me if he was so happy. I told him that I hated him and hung up.

Something was not adding up. Here was Rich telling me that he was happy with ‘Her’, was in love with ‘Her’, and in the next breath asking me not to start divorce proceedings. I thought about how Rich had not bothered to contact me once in the last week, other than when I told him he would be ‘up shit creek without a paddle’;  yet here he was a week later making contact and had said, for the first time, that he was worried about me. I knew then that things were starting to unravel between them, I knew in my heart of hearts that Rich loved me.

Her partner came over to tell me that they were still  staying in Essex with Rich’s family, that ‘She’ had told him that they were in love. I started to feel as if a game was being played , that ‘she’ was telling him, knowing that he would tell me; and that he was telling me in the hope that I would never have Rich back.

Although I knew I should be distancing myself from what I was being told  it was as if I had to know; had to know what was going on, even though it was driving me insane; but what I did realise was that neither of ‘them appeared to know that Rich had been in contact with me, that, perhaps, Rich was playing a game as well now, a game to help him and I…….

Hey, girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away

I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you, babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around ….

What goes around comes back around (part 1)  – Justin Timberlake Written by Nathaniel Hills, Justin Timberlake, Timothy Mosley

Moisy

The Background Story – The Build Up to Hostilties – April 2007

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April 2007

It was one of the days that I didn’t work so ‘She’ came round to ‘have a coffee and a chat.’ ‘She’ asked if Rich was at work and if it was okay for her friend to drop ‘Her’ little girl off to her at my house after picking her little girl up from school.

When ‘Her’ friend arrived ‘She’ asked if ‘She’ could show her friend around the house, and how I had designed and decorated it. I went with them and when ‘She’ got to our bedroom ‘Her’ friend exclaimed how lovely it was, ‘She’ said “Yes, I know, I cannot wait until it is mine.”

I looked at ‘Her’ questioningly and ‘She’ quickly said “I mean, until mine is like this because I am going to copy it.”

After they left I found myself checking my bed for blonde hair, I was starting to go insane because at that point I had started to question myself as to whether I was listening to all of the warning signs.

But then I told myself I was being stupid! Convinced myself I was imaging things.

Again!

Moisy

 

Day five (Saturday)Friends or Foe?’

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I had bought a stepper just two days before Rich had left me; mainly because ‘She’ had made me feel so uncomfortable with the way that I looked and  I knew that “She” was playing ‘the game’; I knew in my heart of hearts (although I had ignored it at the time) that she was making a play for my husband, and I didn’t feel as if I could compete.

Once the war broke out I started to use the stepper at least once a day – sometimes twice if I needed to clear my head. It gave me control of my emotions, as well as my body; it was a symbol of getting control of my life back. The exercise was like a fix, because I was finding that no matter how much alcohol I drunk I firmly stayed stone cold sober.

I found it difficult to listen to most of the music I had in my collection because every album, every song, reminded me of Rich. Along with my marriage my ability to find solace in the songs I loved had been destroyed. The only ones I could play were ones I had bought the weekend before ‘The War’: Carlos Santana, and Billy Joel. At the time Rich had ridiculed me for liking them, said that he did not like them so they I had no memories of Rich attached to thembecause I had only played them in my car when I was alone.

Toni left to return to Cornwall with tears in her eyes because she did not want to leave me. I knew that everyone was struggling to see Mois (my Nickname for those who love me) in such a bad way; I was always so strong, and now I was in tatters on the floor.

But I was coming back.

Another friend was going to come to stay the night with me, because I was terrified of being in the house alone. It was as if I could hear the happy times, like echoes coming out of the wall and then bouncing around off the other walls all over the house. I could also hear the echoes of the fated BBQ, see memories of Rich and I everywhere, when he used to sing to me in our snug, when he sat at the breakfast bar and just lied to my face when she had rung our home. I couldn’t bear it. So I cleaned the house to try and fill my mind, whilst I waited for my new ‘baby sitter’ to arrive.

I had Carlos Santana blaring out of my stereo on full volume; despite it being April the weather was unseasonably hot and sunny so I opened the balcony door so that the entire road could hear. Fuck them all I was not going to be beaten!

I found a pair of Rich’s underpants in the drawer, a pair I had missed in ‘The purge’, and I threw them off the balcony into the road; there was something rewarding in the thought of cars running over them; I made a decision that I was never going to pick them up, they could lay there forever with me running over them in my car every fucking day!!

I seriously thought about throwing my wedding ring with them, but something stopped me; had taken it and my engagement ring off and put them in the drawer but something made me want to keep them, perhaps if only to give to Tom one day.

My neighbour Della came over and said that she had seen Rich that morning; he had been outside our house looking up at the balcony at the same time I had Carlos Santana blaring out at full volume. I was glad! Glad that it looked as if I did not care. Glad that he was looking at a beautiful house that he once lived in that he was never, ever going to get back!

‘Her’ partner came over to tell me  that ‘She’ and Rich were in the town,  and that he just thought that I should know. In parting he also told me  that I should know that they were staying with Rich’s Mum and that Rich’s sister had brought them to town so that ‘She’ could visit ‘Her’ little girl. It appears thatRich’s sister had lent her some clothes because ‘She’ had none of her own.

The fact that Rich’s sister was lending her clothes just hurt even more. I just didn’t understand, but was starting to get the picture that I wasn’t really part of the family as I thought I was.

My whole life had turned upside down and I just couldn’t fathom why. I was lost. .

‘Cause there’s a monster
Living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There’s an angel
With a hand on my head
She say I’ve got nothing to fear
There’s a darkness
Livin’ deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine
Deep into my hole
God, don’t let me lose my nerve
Don’t let me lose my nerve
Put Your Lights on:  Performed by Carlos Santana and Everlast
Written by Everlast

 

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March 2007 – The Build up to Hostilites begin

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March 2007 

It was Saturday night and Rich was on a night shift.  I was watching T.V.  in the living room, half asleep, when Tom came down and said  “Mum, there’s a weird message on our phone”

I listened to the message it was a text message and I could hear my blood start to pound in my ears as I listened to the robotic voice say “Been thinking about you all day today, can’t stop. I can’t wait to be with you, I want you so much.”

I sat up, Tom was looking at me. “What does it mean mum?”

I lied and said “Probably the wrong number.” But after he left the room I redialled and listened again. Then I checked the number, it was “Her” number. I called Rich, “Why is ‘She’ sending text messages to our landline that say that she wants you?” I asked.

I could hear the panic in his voice. “What? I don’t know! What does it say?”

“I told you to be careful of her, I told you she could cause us damage.” I said. “Is there something going on between you?”

“No darling, there is nothing going on. I don’t know why she sent a message to our house. I have said before that I think we should stop having anything to do with them.”

Rich had suggested that we stop spending time with them, but then ‘She’ would come over for something and Rich would change his mind.

Ten minutes later my phone rang, it was ‘Her’.

“I’m so sorry, I think I sent a text to your landline number by mistake. It was meant to go to this man that I have been seeing. Please don’t tell my partner as I have been doing it  behind ‘His’ back. Please don’t tell ‘Him’ will you?”

My gut told me not to believe ‘Her’so I was cool to ‘Her’ and told ‘her’ to “just forget it”

Later that night ‘She’ knocked at the door, she was pissed, she kept saying how ‘sorry ‘She’ was. I told ‘Her’ to just go home; but I didn’t sleep that night.

When Rich got home the next morning I was up waiting for him. I said how I had warned him that ‘She’ was unhappy and dangerous to be around. We both agreed that we did not want to spend time with them anymore.

We sat at the breakfast bar in our beautiful kitchen and Rich stroked my hand and looked me in the eyes and said “Seriously darling, do you really think that I am going to risk all that we have for someone like ‘Her’? I would never risk losing you I love you so much.”

I believed him. I wanted to.

The following week ‘She’ invited us to their house for a meal to celebrate my birthday from the previous January; because they had not been available to come out for the celebrattions, and to say how sorry ‘She’ was for the text ‘She’ had sent.  Rich said it would look rude if we did not go.

As per ususal ‘She’  kept topping up my glass with wine, I never managed to finish a glass before ‘She’ poured some more. As the evening wore on ‘She’ and Rich went outside for a cigarette, as they always did, and I saw ‘Her’ reach out and stroke him, it was how she touched him, and I knew! I knew!!

I lost  my temper and accused them of having an affair but  they cried me down, telling me I was imagining it. Although I had  accused them of seeing each other, they both denied it and her partner just stood there watching, he did not seem bothered and I thought that it must be me.

Rich took me home, and told me I was imagining things, that I had acted like an idiot and then returned their house without me.

I was in my pyjamas, wandering around the house like a mad woman, muttering to myself that they were trying to make a fool of me, I clearly remember shouting at the poor dog, “They think I am some sort of stupid cunt, but I know”. . I went back over to their house; I was in my pyjamas and dressing gown and  I must have looked like an insane woman as I crossed the road, I was convinced that I was going to catch them out.

But when I burst through the door all three of them were sitting there having coffee. ‘She’ was holding court, as ‘She’ had all evening, saying how ‘She’ had lost weight, how ‘She’ measured us all  to see who was the shortest, me!

But I looked like even more of a fool, standing there in my nightclothes, as they all sat together drinking coffee and it just reinforced the idea that I was imagining it. But now I know I should have gone with my gut!!

Moisy

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn’t see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

Out of Reach by Gabrielle Songwriters: Jonathan Shorten / Louisa Bobb

Day 3 – (Thursday) Be careful what you release….

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Day 3 – Thursday 12th April 2007 

My poor friend Toni was up all night with me. I was sitting on the end of her bed, going over it over and over it again and again reliving events, questioning things right back to our holidays the year before, when we had gone to their house for a drink and ‘She’ had come downstairs in new pyjamas; how Rich had commented on them. How did Rich know that they were new?

Nothing made sense and my mind was just trying to find a reason, any reason to answer my biggest question. Why?

My friend suggested that I send a text to Rich because She,along with all of our other friends, could not believe this was happening because to them it was clear that Rich loved me so much. We had to resolve things about the house and  bills, our whole life; and I needed to talk to him about what we would do.

So the next morning I sent a text to Rich and asked him to please answer my texts, and call me as we needed to talk about the house. I was shaking I was so afraid that he would not answer me and ignore me again. Little did I know it would be worse than that!

Rich called me, he was very hard and cold towards me as he asked me what I wanted to talk to him about; it was as if there was nothing to talk about and I was just trying to get him to talk to me. I could hear ‘Her’ in the background and when Rich spoke to her he sounded happy and upbeat. I asked him if he was happy and he said that yes he was, ‘very happy’. I just sat there on the outside step of our house listening to this man who I did not know, felt as if I had not known him at all. How could he be happy when he had caused so much destruction?

Rich asked me what I was going to do about the house because I did not earn enough money to pay the mortgage on it. I said that I was going to keep the house and he laughed and said “How will you keep it? On what you earn you won’t be able to afford to!” I heard ‘Her’  laugh in the background as he said it and Rich started to laugh too.

My heart was well and truly broken; listening to this man who I believed would never let me down laugh at me, with her. I realised then that the plan was to get poor, fat Moisy out of the house, take everything from her because she only worked part time and would not be able to survive.

At that moment in time I hated Rich with all my heart. My eyes filled up with tears, but I would not cry, I would not let them know that I was broken; not this time.  Little did Rich know that his behaviour was like putting a match to a pilot flame, it re-ignited a strength in me that I had not had since my mum had died. I told Rich that “I” was keeping the house; I told him that in a few months’ time when he had “fuck all”, and was “up shit creek without a paddle, in a bedsit with nothing but a small T.V,  he would remember this conversation and how wrong he was.” I hung up.

This time the only thing I could feel burning inside of me was anger, and I needed that to win, because I was fucked if that cunt was going to take everything from me. That was it now: A battle and I was going to fucking beat them.

I felt better; the old Mois was coming back.

My sister called me, we talked about things that had happened leading up to the war, and the fact that Rich had brought the house up in the conversation; my sister said that it was clear that ‘She’ wanted my life: Rich, the house I had worked so hard on, and the money from Rich’s job. My sister then said  “She’s run off with the wrong one, because you are the driving force and she should have run off with you if ‘She’ wanted what you had.”

What a fool, she’s picked on the wrong one now!!

I was afraid, I was petrified
Thinking I could never live without you by my side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
But I grew strong
I learned how to get along ….

Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

Took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high….

And you see me somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person
That’s still in love with you

I will survive

Performed by Chantey Savage Written by Mick Mars, Nikki Sixx

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The Background story – Making a new life and there are clouds on the horizon…

clouds on the horizon

2005 – 2006

Over time we got to know all of the neighbours and we would occasionally go out with the couple who lived near to us.

I had been warned by other women to be careful of ‘Her’, because she always seemed to be after somebody’s husband or partner. I was not worried because I knew that Rich loved me so much, I was safe, we were safe.

From looking at ‘Her’  it came across to me that ‘She’ was the type of woman that flirtedwith every man because ‘She’ had to know that every man fancied ‘Her’ believing that ‘She’ could get one over on any other woman especially the wife!

But I knew that Rich, loved me so much.  I had never had anyone love me as much as Rich, and I knew that he would never stray…. Or I thought I knew…..

We started to go out with them often, and would go to parties at their house where ‘She’ and Rich would go outside together for a cigarette. Despite my confidence in Rich I did warn him to be careful of ‘Her’, because it was clear that she fancied him. Rich just shrugged off the idea that ‘She’ liked him, and said that I had nothing to worry about as nobody could take him away from me; and I believed him.

In the June of 2006 our boiler went wrong, we came home from the beach one evening and there was water everywhere. ‘She’ offered for us to use their shower whilst we were waiting for the part to fix it. We were conscious of not intruding on their hospitality and went over there separately to shower; I can remember now how Rich was gone a lot longer than I was; and even then I had my doubts; I should have listened.

In the July of 2006 we went to their house for a drink. ‘She’ was not there but when ‘Her’ partner told ‘her’ we had come over when he called ‘Her’  ‘She’ rushed home and went upstairs to get changed. When ‘She’ came downstairs ‘she’ was dressed in silky pyjamas. ‘There nice pyjamas, are they new?” Rich said.

I look back now and can see so much.

There were other times when alarm bells rang:

At a party at their house in the July of 2006,  and I was talking in the kitchen and came outside to see ‘Her’ dragging Rich onto the makeshift dancefloor that had been  set up in the garden, I went over and pulled Rich away; I was angry with Rich because  we had talked about  ‘Her’ behaviour towards Rich only that morning, and how it was clear that she fancied him. Rich had just laughed, but it hurt me that he had agreed to dance with her. Alarm bells were ringing, and I wasn’t listening.

I trusted Rich. Didn’t I?

For our wedding anniversary, Rich bought me a red glass heart, the card with it said to take care of it because it held his love for me. Little did I know how fragile that love really was.

We often had parties at our house and planned a big party for Halloween in 2006. But by this time I had started to grow uneasy about Rich and ‘Her’. They seemed to be having more and more smoking time outside, leaving me with ‘Her’ partner. ‘She’ seemed to be more and more competitive towards me, she lost weight and would suggest that our heights were measured because she was at least two inches taller than me. I had let myself go, weighed well over fifteen stone, and had started to feel insecure about my looks.

On the day of our party Rich and I  had a serious talk about ‘Her’ behaviour and how she was making me feel. I asked Rich to be careful of ‘Her’, that I thought she was trying to cause trouble between us. He just laughed and said that I had nothing to worry about. He had bought me a new dress to wear at the party, with a pair of black leather calf length boots so that I could dress up as a glamorous witch.

But on the night of the party she arrived dressed as a black cat, with shorts on and black cat ears.   As the party wore on I could not find Rich anywhere eventually finding him  sitting on the sofa, with her sitting on his lap. I had drunk so much I went mad, and pulled her off. When I look back now I wished I had punched her as well!

I told Rich that if I ever found out that he was cheating on me I would do it back to him tenfold and I would always have my revenge. I stormed out of the party; but Rich did not come after me, which he had always done in the past, in the pit of my stomach I knew that we needed to get out of our relationship with ‘Them.’

By now my gut was screaming at me, and I was ignoring it! What had happened to me?

Moisy

gut feelings

Our first Summer living by the Sea…Follow my blog with Bloglovin

2004 -2006

In the first summer of 2004  we just enjoyed ‘being’. Spending time on the beach, getting to know our new neighbours, Jess and Matt, who had moved in next door just after us; we would spend whole days on the beach, from ten in the morning until the sun set at night, sometimes with our friends and neighbours at their beach hut until after midnight.

We both worked hard, but loved the life we had made for ourselves, a beautiful house, a beautiful place to live, long hot sunny days. We felt blessed.

We were so happy.

How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kinda life would that be
Oh I need you in my arms, need you to hold
You are my world, my heart, my soul

If you ever leave
Baby you would take away
Everything good in my life
And tell me now

How do I live without you?
I want to know
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go

Songwriters: Diane Warren

How Do I Live lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Realsongs

Moisy