Day 15 -Counselling

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Day 15 – Monday 23rd April 2007

I returned to work on the Monday as agreed. I needed to try and get some sort of semblance of normality back into my life; I was sick of feeling as if I was in a parallel universe that I would soon wake up from; and I knew that teturning to work would help me come to terms with the fact that this shit was reality and it wasn’t going to change. I really was on my own.

By now Rich had contacted Della and arranged for his stuff to be collected from her house; it appeared someone from his family was going to collect it on the Monday as I returned to work, a part of me was glad that I was not going to be there. I always believed that Rich would not collect his stuff; that all the time it was there across the road there was hope; and now that hope was gone.

When I got to work everyone rallied round me and was so kind; with my two closest colleagues and friends, Sheri,  and Hannah, acting as my bouncers; they wouldn’t let anyone near me and one look from them told  people there would be trouble if they made me cry.

But nobody intentionally wanted to make me cry; my eyes were  doing that all by themselves.

So many people came to see me, to hug me, some to tell me that it had happened to them, and that I can get through it; I cannot begin to describe the kindness that I felt from those people; and I used their kindness and compassion to give me strength to get through the day.

I needed to work, I needed money and my contract of twenty hours a week was not going to enable Tom and I to survive, let alone pay the huge mortgage I would have to take on. Even on my first day all of my colleagues rally round and are immediately there offering me an increase in hours on a flexible basis, so that if I cannot cope I can go home.

One of the nurses that I work closely with came to see me and suggested I  make contact with Occupational Health for an urgent referral to a counselling service. She could see that I was just in a very bad place so she called them for me and said that they would be in touch within two days with an appointment. Looking back now I think that April pulled some rank and called them afterwards, because she was so worred about me and the fact that I was not eating, the weight was, quite literally falling off me;  by the time I got home I received a call asking me to go to see them the the following day after work.

So the day after my return when I leave work I  go to the Counsellor. I have the same dress on that I wore to the solicitor’s. This dress is starting to represent me now, something that I had left behind, had let go, like I had left myself behind, and let myself go. Now it gives me comfort because every time I put it on I know I look better and better in it.  I cannot eat, the food is like cardboard in my mouth,  and I am also stepping liking a maniac because it helps me cope, and  is something that I have control over, as I have control  over nothing else.

When I get to the Counsellor’s house I just cry throughout the session. The counsellor explains to me that she thinks that Rich thought that I was too good for him and that “it is often the case in situations such as these that he has left you for someone who he will think he is superior to; someone who is perhaps not as pretty, nor as intelligent as you; a person that he has confidence he will keep. ”

She showed me with her hands, that I was ‘up here’ and Rich was ‘down here’, and that if he was with ‘Her’ the situation would be reversed. I think basically she was saying a lot of men go off with ugly women!

Well where ‘Her’ and I are concerned that makes sense! I get it now! Rich needs to feel top dog, and he was never going to be that with me! But he could be it with ‘Her’ ‘She’ never seemed to be the brightest fucking button in the box!  I smiled to myself when I remembered that one of her favourite sayings was ‘I don’t get it..’

When I get home I call my sister and tell her this revelation, and she tells me that she knew that all along!

I realise that what the Counsellor had said was probably on the ball. Rich had sais how much he hated  it when I got an admiring glance; I thought back to that conversation before ‘The War’ broke out when Rich said that ever since we had been married he wondered if I would be there when he came home, because he always felt that I was too good for him; the Counsellor had got it spot on.

I remembered when he left he said as he was leaving that he was taking this option because he was terrified that I would do to him what he had done to me, and he just could not bear it. It was starting to make sense now, Rich had run away because he was afraid, so he thought that he would take the easy option. What a stupid fucking mistake to make!

I feel that I am getting stronger all the time and I wonder if wearing the dress that I wore to see the solicitor to my appointment with the Counsellor is an omen; and is the fact that it is loose on me now even more of an omen? I feel good in that dress, think of all the times that ‘She’ brought up how much weight ‘She’ had lost, constantly rubbing my face in it as I got fatter. Well here I am, thinner than her now, and I know that I look better than she ever will.

I will be stronger, I will get my career back, I will become my own person, and my God I will look good when I’m doing it.

And Rich will realise exactly how much he has lost!!

So I get on the stepper and make sure that I work off over two hundred calories by stepping to the ‘Pussy Cat Doll’s’ “I don’t Need A Man.”

I don’t!

Moisy

 

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Remembering Past Conversations

puzzle pieces of the brain

When I decided to write about our experiences it was to help others; I have lost my mum and my dad, good friends and colleagues to death but I can honestly say that I never in all those times, felt pain like I felt at this time. It has been proven now that people who experience infidelity in their lives can often suffer from a form of PTSD for a long while afterwards.

I also know from the research I have undertaken that one of the things that the person who has been betrayed (and yes, they have been betrayed) struggle with is putting the pieces of the jig saw together and understanding. At first this is because we are so fucking angry that we cannot understand anything, there is nothing to understand right?! The people that we love(d) have hurt us in a way we would never have imagined and it is all their fault, there are no circumstances that should have led them to where they were and that’s it!

Then there is the fact that we would not have done it to them – aint we lucky!?

This is a memory from before ‘The War’ just after I had received her text directly to my home phone in the March, when Rich had returned from work the next morning after she had tried to cause trouble. When we had sat opposite each other at our breakfast bar and Rich had looked me in the eye and said ‘Did I really think that he would cheat on me with anyone let alone someone like ‘Her’, he actually said “because she is no comparison to you.”

Here is what else he said. He told me that he never thought that he would keep me. He had never understood why I was with him, that I was so pretty, so clever, too good to be with him.

Rich explained then that every day when he came home from work he would expect me to not be there anymore; for me to have packed up mine and Tom’s things and gone. He told me how he noticed other men look at me when we went out and that he knew in his heart of hearts that one day one of them would take me off of him. When I asked him how long he had felt like this he said “ever since we met.”

I was shocked and just could not understand why he would think this, I loved him so much. Everything I did was for him, we had an idyllic life ..

Well I know now that leading up to the war I did have an idyllic life, but Rich was terrified all the time, through nothing I had done, just because of the wonderful story telling spin doctor in his head.

I have written this little piece because of questions others have asked and to help you start to understand.

Moisy

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Journal Entry: Day 11 (Friday) Weeping for the lost

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Friday 20th April 2007

I am still not sleeping!  Every time I close my eyes I see Rich and her together, naked, kissing. I was awake throughout the night so I got up at five o’clock and did the ironing! I knew that I had to keep my mind occupied and I had read that doing things was a mechanism to allow you to feel as if you were in control. I needed to feel in control, because, in reality, I was still so out of control. I tried to look at the positive at least I was getting the fucking ironing done!!

My boss, April  called me, as she had every day since The war’ had broken out; she was seriously concerned about me and wanted to make sure that I was alright. She suggested I go into work to see the girls, who are also all worried about me. The thought of going into work frightened me; all those pitying looks and hushed whispers, but I knew that these people really cared for me and I had to move forward so I agreed to go in to see them all.

Driving into work I have the music blaring out, ‘Hit ‘em up style’ by Blu Cantrell. I needed anything to try and fill my mind, and I cry all the way there. When I get to work and walk into the office the girls all came in and hugged me, told me that they were there for me, that I was worth more than what had happened. All of them are shocked at the amount of weight I have lost and I know that April is especially worried because I am now nearly two stone thinner.

No-one can understand why Rich has done this, when it was clear that he loved me so much. I know that they’re trying to help me when they tell me this, but it doesn’t help, because I can’t understand it either; and if it were true I would just feel that all that love was wasted.

I decide that these people care for me so much that I need go to back to work, and make the decision to  I go back on the following Monday.

When I get home I sit in the car for about five minutes gaining the courage to go into my own home, because as always I dread going into the now empty house. Tom has gone to Essex with his friends and I am alone in this beautiful house, the one that we were so happy in, and now it is just this shell with all the memories echoing around me as I walk on the bare floorboards, the floorboards that I lovingly sanded and varnished. The house just feels so sad you can almost hear it sigh.

After about five minutes of me going in her partner knocks on the door because he wants  to tell me  that ‘She’ has contacted him and told him that ‘She’ and Rich are going to rent a house together; in a town nearby, and that they have a tenancy agreement in place. I ask him why he is telling me;  can he not see that this is exactly what ‘She’ wants him to do? ‘She’ wants him to tell me because that will increase the chances that I will never have Rich back. I tell him that I don’t want to know anymore and ask him to leave.

I am so shocked. That is it then! Rich is not coming back! Rich is setting up home with someone else and I cannot believe it, cannot believe that he is setting up a home with ‘Her’. How did I go from holding hands with this man two weeks ago, to him now moving to a new home with a new woman?

I can’t stay in the house, I can’t bear it for one moment more. It is Friday night, a night we would have spent together, If Rich had still been at home he would have just finished a night shift and we would have had a rare weekend together, and it makes this particular Friday night, when we both would have been so excited for the weekend ahead, even harder.

I have to get out, so I go down to a pub where I know the landlady well. I don’t care about the fact that I am going into a pub on my own; I see it as a rite of passage, I am on my own and I need to get used to it and get used to doing things on my own; and I see going to the pub alone as a fear to face.

Because it is Friday night, and early, the pub is full of blokes all celebrating finishing work for the week, and getting ready to go out and get drunk. I know that it looks as if I have been crying for a fortnight, because I have, but I don’t care.  I also know that my figure is starting to look really good, with all the manic exercise and the amount of weight I have lost, so I sit at the bar and buy myself a wine. Some of the men in the pub live in our avenue, it is as if they all rally round me because they know what has happened. They stand with me, buy me drinks, talk to me so that I don’t feel alone.

Another kind deed.

After they leave I finish my fourth large glass of red and I am totally pissed, because I have not eaten for nearly two weeks. I stagger back home, crying all the way; I don’t care what the people who pass me must think, I just look like a sad drunk woman to them, but I feel so lost that I just couldn’t give a shit. Everyone is laughing at me now, the sad bitch whose husband went off with the woman who tried it on with so many others husbands, but mine was the one who left. What does that say about me?

When I walk into what was my beautiful home that I cherished the door slams shut and the sound echoes up the hall.  it is just an empty house, constantly taunting me with the memories of the past because of all the happiness that it held, happiness that was a sham, happiness that is now lost; and all it contains now is the sound of crying.

Snowy our Westie is pleased to see ‘mummy’ as always. I put on my new CD’s and dance around the kitchen; I play Justin Timberlake, “What goes around” over and over again. Then Nelly Furtado’s album , but I don’t know all of the tracks on the CD and suddenly  I find it …“In God’s hands” and it hits me like a hammer.

As I listen to the words of that song I just sit on the kitchen floor sobbing, playing it again and again for over two hours, whilst the beautiful Snowy tries to kiss my tears away; but he cannot keep up with the volume and they plop onto the floor until  the floorboards are soaking wet.

 

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time

I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
You couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God’s hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You say, ‘baby, it’s the end of the day.’

We gave a lot
But it wasn’t enough
We got so tired
That we just gave up

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God’s hands, back in God’s hands

We didn’t respect it
We went and neglected it
We didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this

Our love floated out the window

By Nelly Furtado and Rick Nowles

Moisy

Happiness and contentment

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2006

In the three years since we had lived in our beautiful house we had worked so hard on it, putting a new kitchen and bathroom in, decorating every room, including our beautiful bedroom that went across the whole width of the house, where you could step out on the balcony.

As usual Rich and I had worked hard, by now I had changed my jobs and started to work part-time, the rest of the time I worked late into the evening renovating the house whilst Rich was at work. That is what we did, we supported each other and if Rich was working hard then so did I.

Rich wanted me to work part-time, he wanted to be the main breadwinner and support me and I loved the fact that he did. I would often be asked at work why I did not pursue a career because of the skills that I had, but I was happy and said that I didn’t want that any more, I just wanted to support Rich in his career.

When Rich had finished work we would sit in our snug in the evening, singing Donny Hathaway songs to each other.

We loved our new life, with the sea on our doorstep. We loved to shop together, and wander around the pretty little medieval streets of Canterbury, Rich would find me beautiful things to wear and encourage me to buy clothes because he loved to see me dress up. When we were going somewhere special I would try on different outfits and he would choose which one he wanted me to wear. I remember he cried once when I came down the stairs in a black dress, and said how beautiful I looked and he could not believe I was married to him. He always made me feel so special, so good.

(I have to say now ‘Fuck Me’ I had lost my fucking brain!!)

Sometimes we could not believe how lucky we were, to live where we lived and to love each other so much. We always held hands, everywhere we went, I would even rub his back in the supermarket as we shopped.

We were contented, and as time went by we put weight on, as people who are contented do, but we were so happy it did not matter to us.

Our house was finished, we had worked so hard on it, I had worked hard on it. I remember telling a friend at work that I wanted to put it into a magazine, I was so proud of it.

Yes Rich was working long hours to pay for the repairs and decorations but I knew that he loved it as much as I did. We worked together as a team.

Life was good.

Moisy

You were meant for me
No one else could come between this love, I know
Cause I’ll never let you go

You and me…it seems
Never have a problem we can’t overcome
Cause you’ll always be the one

Never thought I’d be so happy
Loving you has made feel so fine
I can see my friends turn green with envy
Every time I tell them, I’m so glad you’re mine

‘You were meant for me’ performed by Donny Hathaway Written by William James Peterkin • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

 

 

Day Ten (Thursday) The Battle for Divorce begins

Divorce papers

Thursday April 19th 2007 

Today was the day I had to attend the solicitors. I put on a dress that I have always loved and not been able to get into for some time. It was still unseasonably hot for April, and it hit me that it was far too nice a day to be attending solicitors to start divorce proceedings.

I can honestly say that I drove there in a blur, a state of shock at what I was about to do. Grant the mortgage broker called me as I was going into the solicitor’s and asked me if I was okay. Bless him; he cared more about me than the man I had been with for the last nine years.

There I was, sitting in the Solicitors waiting room with other women of all different ages wondering what the hell I doing there? This time last year Rich and I were on holiday in Mallorca, we had such a lovely time and, as we always used to do, we laughed constantly throughout the holiday. Now I was sat in a solicitors office  getting ready to start divorce proceedings against Rich and I realised that my life was all a lie.

I think the solicitor knew that I was still in a state of shock; my eyes were brimming with tears and I was shaking, and he asked if I was sure that I wanted to do this, I told him I was sure. I instructed him to start proceedings against Rich citing adultery. I did not know where he was, although I was aware he was with his family in Essex, and I asked him to send it to Rich’s sister’s address. She thought the sun shone out of his arse, let her give it to him!

When I came out of the office Grant rang me again to check that I was okay. Whilst I was talking to him I realised, for the first time in a long time, that I was getting admiring glances from men, it was a small thing that meant so much at a time when you feel like crap. It made me  realise just how much ‘She’ and Rich had played cruel mind games with me, like a dripping tap over the months, making me feel so unattractive and awful. Yet here I was, devastated but now over a stone and a half lighter, toned and really fit and I was looking good again. Better than ‘She’ ever would.

On the way home to Kent I was caught up in a traffic jam at the river crossing and I noticed that some men in a van were looking at me. I wasn’t interested in them, but the fact that they were looking at me made me feel good, and I realised that I was no longer the shadow that I had been for the past few months. Despite all the things that they had done I was no longer in the shadow of someone else; I had found myself again and I knew that I was and always would be, better than her.

When I got home I decided to stop in town and buy myself two new CD’s: Justin Timberlake ‘Future sex, love sounds’ mainly for the song ‘What goes around comes around’ because I knew that for Rich it so was going to come around and bite him on the arse! That song became my anthem during this time, because I knew that what it said would come true.

The other one was Nelly Furtado’s album “Loose”, because of the track ‘Say it right.’ I was getting my own music collection, uncontaminated by Rich, and I felt elated; I felt that I could take on the world.

 Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfill my needs

A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all……

‘The greatest love of all’ performed by George Benson Written by Linda Creed, Michael Masser •

Day nine (Wednesday) I started to fall out of love with you….

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Wednesday 18th April

After my conversation with Rich on the Monday  I went to Mary’s house. Her sister was there and she worked in a solicitors office; I told them what Rich had said about not divorcing him and Mary’s sister said I must start divorce proceedings because if I bought Rich out of the house he would still be entitled to half of the value even though it was just in my name.

I knew she was right, I really didn’t want to but it made sense, so she arranged for me to go and see her firm because they provided legal aid. I had no money to pay for a divorce and even with legal aid I needed an initial payment to start proceedings; so I got Rich’s bike back from Della’s house and I took it to the bike shop at the end of the road and sold it for eighty pounds. With the money from this in hand I made the appointment with the solicitor to commence divorce proceedings.

I could remember when Rich had bought that bike, it was as a celebration of his promotion to a supervisory role.  How ironic that Rich had inadvertently funded the start of our divorce proceedings, a divorce he had said he did not want; for the first time in a long while I laughed.

The mortgage was moving at a pace now and I was pulling together the paperwork for all of the loans that we had, because they had to be paid off as part of the buying out process.I was shocked at how much debt we actually had, and I was determined that I wasn’t paying them all off. I sent a text to Rich to advise him that my initial buy-out offer would be less due to the amount of loans outstanding; as a result Rich then rang me!

As soon as I heard his voice I just felt so much anger towards him for what he had done, what he was putting us all through, how he had turned our life upside down for a woman who had made a play for nearly every other person’s husband that we knew.

So why did it have to be my husband who had fell for it?

I asked him if he was still happy with ‘Her’, and he laughed at me, and said that yes he was happy with ‘Her’, and that yes he did love ‘Her’. It felt as if someone was stabbing me in the chest, but I did not cry.

I asked him why? Why was he doing this when we had been so happy? He said that he had started to fall out of love me the year before and that it had been coming for a long time. Rich said that I had been too needy, always wanting him to show how much he loved me, and it had begun to grate on him.

I’d had enough, as he was talking to me he called me Mois and I told him not to call me Mois, that only people who were my friends and those I loved called me Mois and he was not my fucking friend and was certainly not someone I loved so he was never to call me fucking Mois again.

I was more determined than ever and told him he would get as little as possible out of the house, reminded him of our wedding speeches, when all his friends who knew him called him ‘Lucky Rich’ implying that really he was just  a loser, reminded him of how I did not believe he was a loser; that at that time I believed in him. Then I told him that now I believed that they were right; I told him how my sister had said that they were right that he was just that, a “fucking loser”, and that he could fuck off! I hung up, my resolve to proceed with the divorce and for him to end up with nothing.Then I started to cry; and wondered to myself how I got to this place in such a short space of time?

When I went to visit some friends later that night the oil light came on in the car and Mary’s husband Den sorted it out for me.

Another kindness.

After I got home Della’s neighbour, who had seen me crying in her house, came over. He explained that he had been to France that day and, because he knew I had not been eating,  had brought me a big bag of fresh prawns from Calais and some French bread and wine.

Another kindness.

The kindness of other people was unbelievable and after he had left I started to cry. I could not eat, everything in my mouth just felt like cardboard, and Tom tried to persuade me to eat some prawns with a jacket potatoe; I managed one prawn and three forkfuls of jacket spud. I drank the wine though!!

I’ve lost twenty pounds now!!

 

Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don’t
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there’s no time for joking
There’s a hole in the plan

Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh, you could mean everything to me

Say It Right –Nelly Furtado

Written by Nelly Furtado, Nate Hills, Timothy Mosley

Day Seven (Monday) The Battle of Wits

blue sky and sea

I was still having babysitters with me every day so that I was not on my own. My sister and my brother in law had spent the Sunday with me and on the Monday my friend Nel arrived with her little girl to spend the day.  Whilst everyone knew how important it was not to leave me alone I could see that for some found it difficult to be with me and see the state that I was in. Nel especially was finding it difficult because she knew that she could no ttake my pain away. Nothing could.

I was having a washing machine, the one that I had bought on the Friday before the D.Day BBQ delivered. It just seemed so weird that when I had bought that machine my husband still lived with me and now he wasn’t here. I was here, being babysat by people who loved me,  because they were worried for me, worried  because of the damage that had been done by  my husband; the one person that I thought would never let me down.

As the delivery men carried the machine in I could see the look on their faces, which seemed to veer from sympathetic (as if they knew that my husband had left me) to terrified in case they were tarred with the ‘all men are bastards’ brush!  They could obviously see that something had happened to me, probably because my face was permanently swollen and tear stained as I just could not stop crying. As if  to show how sorry they were they offered to install the machine for me, even though I had not paid for that service.

Another act of kindness out of so many.

In the last few days I had contacted our old mortgage arranger Grant, he really was a lovely man and had always had a soft spot for me. As soon as he answered the phone I started to cry and I told  him my predicament; about the conversation that Rich and I had about the house, and how Rich did not think that I would be able to buy him out; of how it was clear that  ‘She’ had thought that she was going to take the house out from under me.  Grant was shocked and could not believe that Rich had left me; saying how he always thought that I would be the one to leave Rich. For the second time someone was telling me that they thought that I had been too good for Rich and that he would never keep me.

Grant said that he would look into what mortgages he could get for me and would come back to me; he confirmed  that he would make sure that I would be able to buy the house and that I would be able to prove Rich wrong.

That morning I had searched the internet and found that I could have a telephone consultation with a solicitor for thirty five pounds. I needed to know what I could get and how much I could screw Rich and ‘Her’ over. I needed to find out the facts regarding any kind of maintenance I could receive and whether Rich could make me sell the house.

The solicitor advised that Rich  couldn’t make me sell the house because Tom was under eighteen; and that because Rich was the main earner in the household and I only worked part time in order to support him in his career, I was entitled to spousal maintenance whilst my son was still under eighteen. In addition I could take half of Rich’s pension as well. I then knew that I had all of the information that I needed to fuck up ‘Her’ plans to take everything from me; in fact I now had everything I needed to fuck them both up completely.

As if in complete contrast to the hell that was my life it  was a lovely sunny day and Nel persuaded me to go to the beach, something I was  afraid to do because it bought back so many memories of Rich and I  lying there together all day; and of the time when Rich had  said to me that he would be lost without me, that I was ‘his life.’

How could I go to the beach now? Knowing it was all crap? Everything was fucking crap!

But I knew that I had to face it sometime so I went. I could see the irony as I sat on that  beach, with the wind blowing my through my hair, the sun beating down on me, and the infinity of the sea in front of me; everything was so beautiful and my life was shit!  I felt numb; this was someone else’s world, it wasn’t mine. I did not know where I belonged anymore.

As I sat there I  received a call from Grant to say  that a mortgage had been lined up and that I was going to be able to buy Rich out of the house;   so  I called my sister from the beach and asked her to call Rich and tell him I was in a position to buy him out of the house. I told her to tell him that I would pay five thousand pounds only and that if he did not agree to it I would take him to court to gain spousal maintenance and access to his pension. I was getting to that point that I did not want to speak to Rich anymore. I just wanted to move forward. To be honest I was exhausted, I had not been eating, or sleeping, but exercising like a maniac and it was finally dulling my brain to the pain, and making me feel as if I didn’t give a shit anymore.

Despite my  phone always being permanently attached to my hand when I got back to the house I had a missed call from Rich, and also a text. How I did not know he had called? I had my phone with me all of the time! It was as if someone, or something greater than any of us did not want me to speak to him.

The text from Rich said “I am worried about you; what are you going to do about the bills?”  I didn’t answer.

My sister called and said that she had spoken to Rich and that he had seemed really shocked that I was in a position to buy him out; shocked that I was considering it. She said that he sounded lost, and really upset.

Fucking upset! What right did he have to be upset? None!

That woke my brain back up, I felt so angry that he had the audacity to feel, or sound hurt. After he had laughed at me when he was with ‘Her’, laughed with ‘Her’ about me, it spurred the fighter in me and I called Rich, only this time he answered the phone.  He sounded as if he had been crying. I asked him if he “was enjoying his new life?” and he said that he was. I pointed out that he did not sound as if he was. I told Rich that I had spoken to a solicitor and with that Rich asked me if I was going to divorce him, because he did not want me to. I told him that I had no plans to divorce him at this time. I just needed to sort out our finances and the house. With that Rich said that he was sorry for what he had done, sorry for hurting me, that he had never meant to hurt me.

So why didn’t he come back? Why didn’t he want me to divorce him? Nothing made any sense.

I could feel the anger towards him bursting like bubbles in my chest, my heart was pounding to such a degree I could hear it in my ears, feel the blood rushing through my veins. I was angry with him for sounding upset, angry with him for saying that he was enjoying his new life, angry with him for contacting me if he was so happy. I told him that I hated him and hung up.

Something was not adding up. Here was Rich telling me that he was happy with ‘Her’, was in love with ‘Her’, and in the next breath asking me not to start divorce proceedings. I thought about how Rich had not bothered to contact me once in the last week, other than when I told him he would be ‘up shit creek without a paddle’;  yet here he was a week later making contact and had said, for the first time, that he was worried about me. I knew then that things were starting to unravel between them, I knew in my heart of hearts that Rich loved me.

Her partner came over to tell me that they were still  staying in Essex with Rich’s family, that ‘She’ had told him that they were in love. I started to feel as if a game was being played , that ‘she’ was telling him, knowing that he would tell me; and that he was telling me in the hope that I would never have Rich back.

Although I knew I should be distancing myself from what I was being told  it was as if I had to know; had to know what was going on, even though it was driving me insane; but what I did realise was that neither of ‘them appeared to know that Rich had been in contact with me, that, perhaps, Rich was playing a game as well now, a game to help him and I…….

Hey, girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away

I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you, babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around ….

What goes around comes back around (part 1)  – Justin Timberlake Written by Nathaniel Hills, Justin Timberlake, Timothy Mosley

Moisy