There has been much debate over the past week about other people’s comments and opinions on other people’s lives. It sparked my intro before my blog this week which you can read here ,I am a member of many groups on FaceBook and I also seem to have got myself involved with a fabulous group of people on twitter (who would have thought it!)
That type of community was not available to me when our ‘War’ broke out and in some ways I am sad because I really could have done with someone telling me that I could do it, that I could stay, that we would survive, that other people had experienced the madness that I was feeling: a feeling that really is like no other.
But in other ways I am glad because I have come to note that some people bring their pain to the party and inflict it on everyone else: if they are in pain then so should everyone else be, if they chose to leave their partner then so should everyone else; if their partner left and never returned then everyone’s partner was a cheater (you know how I love that word! Labels!) Once a cheater always a cheater – Oh shut the fuck up!! You are talking out of your arse!
Now I know that so many of these people are in immense pain, God knows we all know. But if you want to give your relationship a go (I am not going to say survive you only have to read my story to know that even at over eighteen months in I was still struggling and there were no guarantees) that kind of witch hunt anger is not going to help at all. If I had been subject to that at the beginning I am not sure that I would be here now, although I am sure that I would have probably told people to shut the fuck up even then!
But let us also consider that some of these people are not who they say they are: they have never had a broken heart, they do not have a broken heart, they are making up stories to be part of a group so that they can gleefully go in and read others pain and feed off it: then they can join in the witch hunt and convince people that they should never even try. Trolls are everywhere on the internet, just consider that sometimes!
There are really good people out there so I would urge you to stop and think if the person is constantly being negative.
No I don’t have a broken heart anymore but I am sharing my story, our story, to help others; and interacting with people enables me to see the things that affect them the most.
I have many people contact me direct for advice and to ask my opinion. I can never tell you what to do because to quote Jack from ‘I am Jack’s broken heart’ I will never know the whole story; so I can only tell you what I learnt and what I did with regard to some of the things I am asked:
Should I contact the other woman.
The person who Danny left me for was clearly a low level narc (I know it sounds like cliche); but ‘she’ was the type of person who was never happy and hated to see other people happy. The kind of woman who loved to think that every man in the room wanted her (fuck knows why) and ‘she’ would flirt with all men. ‘She’ hoovered up information from Danny when he said that he thought I had an affair (I didn’t) and then ‘she’ used it to her advantage.
‘She’ liked to cause conflict; left her children behind when ‘she’ ‘ran off’ with Danny and didn’t give them a second thought. So when the shit hit the fan my stubborness, or pride, meant that I looked down on ‘her’; and I was fucked if I was going to lower myself to ‘her’ level. Yes I ended up smacking ‘her’ the fight but only after ‘she’ attacked me; and even though I wanted to kill ‘her’ that day I stopped because I realised that is exactly what ‘she’ wanted: the drama, to suck me in and to then hoover up my pain and fall from grace to ‘her’ level. I rose above it because I knew that to find me and keep me; and trust me finding me and keeping me was paramount to our survival. To quote George Benson from ‘The Greatest love of all’: No matter what they take from me they can’t take away my dignity.’
I hope by telling you this it may help you make decisions with regard to interactions: decisions only you can make.
As part of me was that I was not being prepared to be beaten I knew that if I went down the path of bitterness then I was lost, and ‘she’ would have beaten me anyway. It all tied in with the stubborn cow that I am: I was NOT going to let that happen. So I listened and I learnt and I fought tooth and nail and I used imagery and I am where I am today. the enemy
People ask me how I learnt to trust Danny again: you would probably need to read all of our story but it took time, lots of time. I stopped constantly looking backwards to what he had done and looked at what he was doing in the here and now; which enabled me to trust him again over time. It took a lot of hard work on Danny’s part, but he never gave up. It is true: If you constantly look to the past then that will forge your future.
Only today someone asked how their husband could still be with their affair partner, sexting them, whilst contacting them for reconciliation: because often they don’t know their arse from their heads! Danny could not understand why he had done what he had done ‘lost the best thing that had ever happened to him’. But when I did not answer his initial text that he sent to me approaching reconciliation he had sex with ‘her’ that night! That blew my mind when I found that out: how could he? Because he didn’t think he could get me back and he didn’t want be left with nothing. (yep selfish I know – that was then not now).
When he told me he ‘felt sorry for her’ and ‘felt guilty towards her’ I could have punched him, in fact I think I might have! But now I understand that they are so insane with what they have done that they feel guilt for everyone: feel like everything is their fault and only they made the mess. (I learnt that’s not true, so many people would have contributed towards that mess!)
I saw the positives: I have included enough lists that I wrote to Danny in the short time that I have been writing this blog.Small things: Danny’s List August 2007
I realised that it was not all about me.com which was a massive thing considering how I had felt after our first visit to the counsellor. first visit to the counsellor
I listened. Danny listened and I did not take one ounce of shit. If I thought he was lying I told him, if I was unhappy with something I told him: it was all about finding me, because without me I was lost: I was not sure that our relationship would survive and I had to be stronger to walk away, as well as stay. It was a survival tactic at the beginning; But then as I found me again I was no longer afraid: afraid that Danny may do it to me again because I knew that I had myself and no matter what happened I would be okay; knowing that enabled me to stay.
But: Throughout what I have shared so far Danny has put the work in: he was not just sorry he was contrite; if he had not been I would not have stayed.
Yes he was defensive at times but he had to face all his fears to keep me, and trust me it wasn’t easy. As I have said he hung on like a limpet; he talked about it; he stopped burying his head in the sand because he knew that was the only way to keep me: because I told him so. He had a choice and he stepped up to the plate and took it: The things that made me stay – a story from our story
Let us not forget that Danny agreed to me sharing our story so that we could help people and we could encourage some people not to be ashamed. That took real courage on Danny’s part, although apart from when I shared excerpts from the twenty one days we were apart most people have shown Danny nothing but respect.
There is just one other thing: This is a post about my husband: it is what I learnt to understand and it never got a lot of likes or views: is that because it is too difficult to read? If you want to know how we survived I can only tell you what we did and you can apply it to yourself or not: Here today this is what I know where we are concerned and I used the information as part of our survival: A story of a man
Now having read social media even today according to some out there it appears that my marriage is a unicorn – see they do exist, there it is prancing round my garden as we speak!
A song I live my life by:
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me
Never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Love of all is happening to me
I found the greatest
Love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
There is a playlist in my book Making This Better.
Making This Better the book is now available including the journal entries for the first 5 years of our recovery & the whole 21 days of ‘The War’. Available internationally in paperback and ebook at Amazon and Barnes & Noble also available at Xlibris and Apple Books for iPad and Waterstones Bookstores for click & collect
I would love to hear your feedback.
“But if you constantly look to the past then that will forge your future.” I’m learning all about the patterns our lives take and how to recognize them and break free of them.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wonderful news Jack. I believe we should look to the past for experience (I believe my gut instincts all times now, o don’t lie to myself) but the here and now is nit the person who left, it is the person in front of me, and I can only use what I have here and now. Moisy ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lots of interesting debate today.
Maybe your husband is a unicorn. Or you have remade your marriage together into something new. Both could be true, or neither. It’s very hard to know until the story ends. Plus, we only get one side of it.
I read the articles and wonder, would I even want a unicorn? Seems like just one more pet that probably requires special care. I think I’d rather choose no unicorn. And that’s a great choice too.
No one wins in infidelity. Not the people who divorce and not the people who reconcile. Both are forced to endure deep, soul piercing pain. That changes a person. I know the pain the betrayed spouse feels. Perhaps a truly remorseful cheater also feels pain…but their pain is tainted with the truth that it was self inflicted.
My personal view is that this is just one more life experience designed to rid me of past karma. Pain is an excellent teacher, but enlightenment must be worth the effort.
I truly enjoy hearing your story. It opens my mind to different possibilities. I hope I don’t become too cynical.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi, it’s not just him, the marriage is the unicorn that’s what CL says. Our marriage is stronger than it was. He had to face his fears, I had to understand them. It was a massive learning for-me too: before I would have left, always. As my sister said, met someone new & whose to say they would be able to bring to the table any more or any less, or even had an affair? So for once I looked at what we could build on & I set myself the challenge to see if I could rebuild. I learnt so much.
I don’t feel that pain anymore but I do feel for Rich, he may have made a mistake but now he has to live with something every day; & the happier we are, the more it eats into him. People are people they make mistakes.
I am glad you enjoy my story, and what happened to me & us it really did enlighten me. I can forgive, now I know what that means:putting the past behind you & making something new. Moisy ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hypothesize that one of the reasons people see healing or healed marriages as unicorns is because some folks bail really early on. (Which is not, by any means, to suggest that all marriages are worth saving or that there is anything wrong with choosing not to attempt reconciliation…) I think there is a reason that almost every “expert” out there says not to make any major decisions in the first 90 days. You are simply out of your mind with confusion and grief and sadness and anger, and every other emotion on the wheel. If I trusted myself to make a firm decision during that time, I would have left. As it was, I set certain deadlines for things, not understanding that my husband’s addiction didn’t give a poo about my silly deadlines. Also, neither partner’s healing is linear. It seems that most couples do the one-step-forward-two-steps-back dance for at least a year or two.
Yes, you could possibly “waste” years trying to fix the un-fixable, but if you are starting from a good, even if flawed, foundation you may also do what you and Rich did and find a new relationship together to treasure. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh yes I totally agree. Like you I out deadlines into place, that way I was giving myself a get out clause, which helped when trying to shut the demon in my head up. But then when ai hit the deadline there would be things I could look back on since reconciliation that would enable me to set another deadline, and another and so on.
Isn’t part of any relationship about support and understanding in the hard times? That is one of the lessons I learnt. My sister was a clever cow, she set me a challenge to stay: ‘you can always walk away & find someone new, you always have. Do something different this time and see if you can re-build with what you’ve got’. She always knew I couldn’t resist a challenge. Moisy ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really appreciate the thoughtfulness that comes out of your and BA’s experience.
There are just things about people you don’t really see until they are burned up in the fire. I’m not advocating the fire obviously…but I have figured out through this process no one is entitled to happiness, our lives are what we make of them.
I really tried hard not to make any dramatic changes in the first 12 months. I went to counseling, read, wrote and wrote and wrote, read some more, more counseling, and really tried to dig into and own my ugly and my patterns.
I really admire how you saw yourself and looked to your truth before making any impulsive or bitter motivated decisions about your heart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Sean, I had to see things about me whether we survived or not. If I had left it would have been hard, but not as hard as staying, and I decided to take the hard road, and learn from it. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person