Category: All about me

The new beginning – Finding me again

 

Tuesday 31st July 2007

It’s not easy but I think I can do it – in getting the unwanted pictures out of my head.

I am now lying on the downs at Tankerton. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing everything out of my mind.

I have had a difficult day today. Not in having those things on my mind, but the sadness.

There are two issues:

  1. Getting the thoughts in my head under control.
  2. The sadness for what I have lost. The grief for the bereavement, for the waste of that love that I had, that I had never had for anyone else.

Time will heal that, I know it. How and what form that healing will take I don’t know.

But as I am writing this, and although I have cried with sadness today (a short cry, letting it all out like Sherri said. It is true it doesn’t last long anymore; no more heaving sobs – not if I don’t give way to it. There’s just grief.) I also know that despite what I have lost I would not want to go back to it:

  • A big fat lump that had really let myself go.
  • Someone who I am starting to see now was very frustrated, angry almost inside. Because what did she have? Everything centred on Rich; and although I was jolted out of that (kicking and screaming at the time.) I never want to be that person again. I don’t like her.
  • A couple who became so insular, so immersed in just themselves. You see Rich would want to go back that (because of his own insecurities, because of his own fear.) I don’t.

Rich has changed since he has been with me – Beth was right, I dragged him up with me. Although he is quite capable himself he does not believe that without me by his side.

In fact, perhaps sub-consciously he always knew I would come to my senses and that is why he thought he could not keep me.

So why am I with him now? I do find that thought popping into my head. Because I know how much he loves me; and when someone loves you that much and you do love them, then why walk away? There is something to work on.

The life we have created together keeps me here as well. I enjoy his company, and he makes me laugh. Sometimes he also gets on my tits.

I had to get on my bike today and come here on my own. Regain my independence and do things on my own. I do notice that when I am with Rich we do both slot into that ‘doing everything together’ mode. I did, however, only realise today how many arrangements I make to do things with other people. This has been a totally sub-conscious thing.

At the moment part of me still wants Rich to ring me, text me, reassure me. But the more I do things on my own the less that will get; and I need to do that. Rich will totally freak, just look hurt and say “Whatever you want.” But not really mean it. That is no-longer my problem.

I am enjoying myself, being myself, confident, self-sufficient, and not constantly thinking of someone else.

I am going to go to the pub on my own and have a glass of wine before I go home; and I haven’t brought my mobile with me; this is me time.

This has really helped.

 

Mois

 

Reflections 2018

I remember this day clearly. It was a beautiful sunny day, not hot, the wind had a slight chill in it, but there were bright blue skies with small puffs of cloud moving along quickly in the wind; and the sun was warm.

Tankerton is a pretty place with rolling downs that lead down to the beach and sea, dotted with beach huts on stilts. On this day there were lots of people there and I can remember watching them all and thinking how happy they all were, and here was I with my world in pieces, never knowing if I would really be happy again.

But I have learnt over the years that you see what you want to see, and I believed at that time that everyone was happier than me. Obviously that was not true, but when you are in a place where nothing seems to make sense you believe that everyone else has their shit together. Trust me they don’t; it’s the good old demon in your head spinning you a line!

This was such an important entry for me, because as I said in my previous journal entry I believed that we needed to start again, a new beginning and to do that I had to find me; I was right, I had to find myself again.

I had become ‘lost’ in Rich before ‘the War’, everything revolved around him; I worked part time so that I could support him in his career, whilst I renovated and managed the house and finances. I had lived my life for Rich and I knew that I could no longer do that; Rich could be part of my life but he could no longer be the centre of it – I had to be that.

So the start of that was to go somewhere on my own, and the choice is pertinent because I chose to go to the one place where Rich used to meet up with ‘her’ on his way to work. I chose this place because I knew that I had to face my fears to be able to move forward into my new life and to not let my fears and memories beat me anymore!

For me there are three main things in this entry that resonate with me today:

  • That I recognised that I did not want to be the person that I was before, in fact did not even like the person that I was before. When I read this entry it did stop me in my tracks, because I had recognised that even then.

Today Rich and I have looked back at the people that we were before ‘The War’ and we do not like them. How much we drank, the places that we drank, even today we have been talking about how we accepted people’s bad behaviours without question. We both agree that we really were a pair of arseholes.

  • The fact that I have said that I was an angry and frustrated person; because I can see now that I was. The Moira who wrote this entry was absolutely right I had been angry and frustrated; I had not been using my skills to their full potential and because of that I had would get angry and lose my temper at things; or make small things more important than they really were.

After ‘The War’ when I had begun to find myself again someone had said to me that I had ‘dumbed down’ and I knew that they were right: I did not want promotion at work, did not want to work full time, did not want to use my brain because that was the easy way out, and ‘The War’ made me see sense, as I have said in this entry; albeit ‘kicking and screaming at the time.’

I believe today that everything does happen for a reason, and that at times messages are sent to us and when we don’t listen then a lesson is sent to us; and more often than not that lesson is a hard one.  Even today I believe that my sister was right, I was being sent a message, a kick up the arse if you like, to find myself again.

  • The third and most important thing from this entry is that I can see that I wanted to stay with Rich because he made me laugh, because I enjoyed his company, that we get on well together, and that these were the things that made me love him. Real things, not romantic things; sometimes we forget that relationships are many things not just love and sex.

But I also love that fact that I can also see that he “gets on my tits.” Looking back now I probably get on his “tits” as well! That’s life!

I did go to the pub; I sat in the garden on my own and showed myself that I did not need to fear being on my own. That I needed to embrace being my own person, an individual who did not start and end with Rich; and this was the start of doing this. So I had two glasses of wine whilst I read my book.

Moira had started to find herself again and it was crucial to our survival.

Moisy

Image result for images for finding yourself

 

She’s Always a Woman     Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her, as long it’s free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me

Ohhh…she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time
Ohhh…and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind…..

Beware Bitterness – It will be your enemy

 

Image result for quotes from deepak chopra regarding the past present and future

Bitterness: To be upset and angry by something that happened in the past.

Bitterness:To be consumed with anger and unhappiness

My definition: Bitterness: To allow anger and unhappiness, because of something that has bappened in the past, define your future.

I have said in some of my previous posts that I was not prepared to let what had happened to me (and at the beginning it was about me, remember? I had to find myself and be myself first) define me. I was not prepared to be dragged down to other people’s levels and, more than anything, I was not prepared to let my life be consumed by bitterness.

Since ‘The War’ my sister Beth  has said to me that she initially wanted me to have Rich back because I ‘wasn’t getting any better’.

Before this ‘War’ I had always been the type of girl to pick myself back up, move forward, even meet someone else; but this time during the twenty-one days that Rich was gone I was still the same as the day he had left.

Yes I had took all of our money, I had left Rich with nothing. I had started divorce proceedings, I had sold his’ possessions to do so, I had changed the locks, thrown his stuff out, everything I could possibly do. But I was still crying, every day, nearly all day. So when Rich wanted to come back my sister (I have said before she is a clever cow sometimes!) had persuaded me to have him back because, as she said, ‘Then if you split up it will be on your terms and not his; and then you will be  able to move on.’ She was right! I can see that even now. If we had not survived I would have least been able to prepare for it, to know that what we had was gone and more importantly that I did not want it anymore, enabling me to move forward.

But if Rich had not come back I would have struggled to come to terms with what had happened, to understand how I ended up where I was and I would have continued to run it through my head like a loop trying to make sense of something that would never have made sense – because it had never been what I thought it was in the first place!

At the beginning  stubborn streak in me, the fighter in me, was not prepared to let that bitch take any more from me than she already had. I was not prepared to be consumed by bitterness. I did not want that anger to stay with me forever, and I did not want to be unhappy forever. So, yes, at the beginning it was these things that made me fight against being bitter, and this fight meant that I looked at small tiny things that Rich did – like the housework FFS! A note written on the blackboard in the kitchen, reaching out to hold my hand even though her feared that I would pull it away. These small tiny things made up a big thing over time (you will see) and eventually the big thing enabled us to get to where we are today.

What would have happened if Rich had not come back? I would have done the same, I think it would have taken a damn site longer, but the stubborn fighter in me would have still thought the same, I will not be beaten and part of this was I would not be bitter.

As time wore on I no longer used ‘her’ as the incentive, I no longer needed to. I had found ‘me’ again, I had decided what my boundaries were and what I would and would not put up with, and I knew that what had happened to me had made me stronger; had actually given me freedom. I wanted to enjoy what I had found, so there was no room for bitterness in my life. It is up to you all, I cannot tell you how to handle things this is only one way that I did:

At the beginning I used my anger at ‘her’  to stop me from becoming bitter.

At the beginning I used my stubborness to stop me from being bitter

As time wore on I found myself, and I knew that I didn’t need to be bitter I needed to be grateful.

As time wore on I realised what I had was something new, and that it was better than it had been before because this time it was honest (more of that in a future blog.) This meant realising that Rich was not a knight on a white horse in shiny armour, but a flawed man who made mistakes and got on my tits sometimes!

I am passionate about this particular post, because I know how easy it is to slip down that slippery bitterness pipe; to be sucked in by the whispers from the demon that tell you that you are ‘entitled to feel that way.’

Are you? Do you want to feel that way forever?

If you need to do what I did and use the other person as a focus for not being consumed by bitterness, then do that – don’t let them beat you; and before you know it you will just not be bitter any more and you won’t give a toss about them! But only you can do it.

I know that there enough fighters out there who will read this and think ‘That is not going to be me! I am not going to let this beat me. I am not going to let this define me. I will not let bitterness consume me.’

I know you can do it.

Moisy

 

Related image

Gaining a sense of identity

Image result for images for rebuilding yourself

After the disastrous meeting with Rich and the counsellor  I knew that I could no longer be vulnerable or allow myself to feel vulnerable. It was clear that Rich thought that I only wanted him for his money, well he could shove his money up his arse I would get my own.

I knew that I had to find my identity now, because, in all honesty, it had been lost for so long. I had worked part-time because Rich wanted me to, I had put on so much weight because I thought that I was safe in the love Rich had for me, after all he had got fat too!  I had gone along with Rich and believed that he wanted to take care of me when in fact he saw it as a millstone around his neck, and blamed me for it.

I had, quite simply,  lost myself and I made a promise to myself that I would never do that again.

By now I had lost so much weight, and even though Rich had come back I still could not eat much, I only had to think of something and the food turned to cardboard in my mouth; I would, literally, have to spit it out. So I continued to lose weight and  made a point of getting on that stepper every fucking day, sometimes twice a day. It wasn’t only about losing weight I was toning up every time I got on it and I knew that I was starting to look good. The more I looked good, the more insecure Rich got. If he thought he would not keep me when I was fat, he was never going to think he could keep me now!

It was also so important to me that I had my own income, that I was self-sufficient and no longer reliant on Rich. I could never allow myself to be in that dependent position again, I could never lose myself in someone else again. Work had already offered me extra hours and I continued to increase my hours where I could. It was difficult because every day, every moment was so hard, all that was in my head was what Rich had done to me, the way he had been with me. But in some ways I used that as a driving force, I was never, ever, going to feel beholden to Rich for money again. I knew that the more I earnt the less of a hold Rich would feel he had in keeping me, so I kept going to work!

We kept our separate bank accounts, and Rich would give me money every month for the bills because they had all been set up from my account. He wanted to pay for all the shopping but I was not prepared to give him anything that he could ever throw in my face again so I insisted that we went half.

But what was the point of it all? I wasn’t happy in this type of a relationship, I wanted a relationship like the one I had before with Rich. Where we shared everything, where we supported each other, and we hadn’t got that now.

No matter how hard I tried I could not see things getting any better for Rich and I; still felt the same as I had felt that day in the pub when I had a conversation with my reflection; and the thought of always feeling like this, for the rest of my life, was starting to drive me insane. Again I thought “I don’t know if I can do this.”

 

Are we really happy here
With this lonely game we play
Looking for words to say
Searching but not finding
Understanding anywhere
We’re lost in a masquerade

Both afraid to say we’re just too far away
From being close together from the start
We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way
We’re lost inside this lonely game we play

‘This Masquerade’ Performed by George Benson Written by Leon Russell

The Journey Begins – I never thought I’d do this!

Hi

Thanks for joining me!

So I have been writing a book for nearly three years now. But I started a journal to keep me sane many moons ago – eleven years to be precise. Having researched and got to know many people via their blogs who are in the same position that I found myself then – or rather we found ourselves –  I thought I would share my story with you. At the beginning it was ‘My’ story, and then as time moved on it became ‘Our’ story.

When my husband Rich, left me for someone else, and was gone for three weeks I was driven insane. But despite this I never, never, let it beat me. Everyone in this sad story had underestimated me, including me!

When my husband came back I never thought I would do it. I searched for other’s stories at the time and could not find anyone that showed the true madness that I felt, showed me that what I was feeling was ‘normal’ and that I would survive but I couldn’t find any perhaps at that time  they just found it too painful to write about. So I kept a journal, and this journal kept me sane, and kept us together. We live in France now, we are happy, and we are stronger; you can read about our adventures on my other blog moisfrenchadventure.com

So this is our story – it is my journal entries, I have kept them as I wrote them then and followed them up with reflections of what I think now, with the benefit of eleven years hindsight behind me.

You will see that I’m no chump, and that you can survive the ‘Ocean of Despair’ trust me I did!

I hope it helps someone.

Moisy

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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